CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

co-dependency

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 07: Preparing for Disclosure

“Hi, I need to reserve a date for an intensive for my wife and I.”

Did I just say that out loud? On the phone?  And really do that?  Ok, I think maybe I need a counselor AND a psychiatrist! My insides hurt.  I am in the early stages of realizing something important, I think:  I don’t want to hide anymore.  I don’t want to lie anymore.  I don’t want to feel this dirty anymore.

In my group meetings, I hear guys talk about how their recovery is their own. One guy said something I actually wrote down: my recovery success isn’t dependent on how my wife responds.  When I heard that, it didn’t make sense to me.  I didn’t get it or even believe it.  That’s why we are all here, right?  To try and appease our wives and save our marriages?

That is what I have been doing. Trying to appease my wife and save my marriage.  Surviving one day at a time.  Sometimes I sleep upstairs in the guest bedroom when my wife doesn’t get overwhelmed by anger.  Sometimes I sleep at a friend’s house when she can’t hold back her hurt and it encompasses both her and me.  So I had been riding this roller coaster of emotion with her through her hurt, letting that be the barometer of my recovery.

This week one of the shares in group was from John 5:6 where Jesus saw an invalid on the side of the rode and asked him “Do you want to get well?” And I answered YES, I do.  I don’t want to be this anymore.  I see a glimpse of what it means.

I was in the car on the way home, listening to the Message on XM radio and heard this song from Casting Crowns about a man who was demon possessed. Jesus asked him, “Do you want to be free? Lift your chains, I hold the key. All power on heaven and earth belong to me.” I do want to be free. Two months ago I didn’t believe that was possible.

I don’t want to be what I have been. I don’t want to be someone who immediately lies. I don’t want to hide in my deception and darkness. I have prayed this prayer before over and over.  What makes me think it will work this time?  I have hope, though.  I have met guys who have been where I am.  They prayed the same prayers over and over with no change.  Until they got help, until they came clean, until they set a baseline for honesty.  They started group, they entered recovery fully, and they disclosed to their spouse.

So, here I am. Calling to schedule my intensive with my wife.  I am actually the one on the phone, scheduling the disclosure, paying the deposit, organizing this for both of us.  And………praying she will go.

“Yes, thank you. Those dates will work.  I will be looking for your confirmation email.”

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 21: Doug’s Sex Addiction Testimony – Celebrating Recovery

Doug utilizes his Celebrate Recovery testimony to share his struggle with pornography, lust, and sex addiction. He shares the history and foundation of his life that built pathways that developed into addiction.

He highlights the negative choices that he made as well as the chaos of living in addiction. He shows the grace that others can show as well as the true freedom that is possible in getting the help needed.

He is currently sober from alcohol and sex by staying involved in programs that are designed for sex addicts. His story will show how no one is too far gone from the love of Christ and the redeeming power of God.   We can all find hope in recovery through honesty and reliance on others.

For more information on the podcast or to get help please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.

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Self Discovery

Truth

self-discovery

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Let’s Talk About Porn – EVENT

Visit LetsTalkAboutPorn.com to find out more or to register.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 06: Accountability

“Why haven’t you found accountability partners yet? Are you close to finding a sponsor?”

Each week in counseling, I am greeted with a new challenge from my counselor. I think he dreams up ways to continually make me uncomfortable.  After our joint counseling session, I didn’t know if he could top that one.  Somehow he always seems to succeed.  Accountability partners make me very uncomfortable.  I tried accountability about 20 years ago with a group of guys.  I was open and honest with them.  Well, as open and honest as I could be at the time.  Which, to be rigorously honest, wasn’t very open or honest.

Accountability partners. Who should that be?  According to my counselor, I should find guys that I can trust.  Ok, that is a given.  Also, I should find guys who are willing to ask me hard questions.  Also, not a surprise.  Oh, and preferably in recovery and don’t automatically believe what I say, and care about me enough not to take my word for anything.  Ok, now that is very confusing.  How is that supposed to work?

I think I have two guys in mind. One is a guy I know in recovery who I went to church with for several years.  I think I mentioned that I like the version of him I know now.  He isn’t trying to one up me on the arrogance scale.  I will ask him.  I will also ask a friend who isn’t in recovery who I have known for many years.  I have lied to him.  A lot.  He cares about me and my wife.  He was there when my oldest son was born.  He has supported and loved us.  He didn’t abandon me or my wife when I first announced that I was leaving her and then briefly came to my senses when she told me she still loved me and would let me come home.  I wonder how he will respond when I reveal myself as a liar and an addict to him.  I don’t know, honestly.

My counselor wanted to instruct my accountability partners on how to be accountable with me. However, first he wanted me to tell them my story, my first step.  I had written it in draft.  I made copies for them to read.  However, my counselor said that wasn’t enough.  I had to recite my story verbally to them. I started from the beginning.  I told them the parts I didn’t want to reveal even to God. I opened up my soul and exposed my shame to them. I told them about how I was broken, damaged, and then about how I inflicted pain and suffering and hurt and destruction on my wife and kids.  They didn’t even know the extent of it yet.  What I realized in revealing that was that I didn’t fully understand the depth of the hurt and damage either.  Reliving it was emotional and painful and ripped my heart into shreds and exposed my shame.

And……they supported me anyway. My friends cried with me and for me and for my family. I don’t understand why God has given me people that love me this way. I don’t love me this way.  How can anyone else? How can God? Then I heard Him….I heard God saying, “How do you not know I love you? I died for you as you are, not as you hope to be.”