CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 07/07/2012 – Step 7 Step Study

We Humbly Ask God to Remove All Our Shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

In step 4, we listed our character defects, in step 5, we admitted them to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, and in step 6, we became entirely ready for God, not us, to remove our defects of character.  Now, in step 7, we ask God to remove all of our shortcomings and we do it humbly.

So what does it mean to be humble?  Of course, as an engineer, I have to list the definition so as to avoid confusion:

hum·ble/ˈhəmbəl/
Adjective: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance:  “I knew I had to humble myself to ask for His help”.

In understanding what humble really means, I was able to really submit to God by lowering my own importance well beneath that of God’s importance.  In my addiction, Sexual acting out was my “god” and I was it’s only begotten son.  I was the most important man in my life, I did not care about others, only about my own sexual satisfaction or own personal wants.  After I hit rock bottom and I saw my powerless over sexual acting out and how crazy my life had become I began the process of becoming humble; well, actually God began that for me.  I then saw how insane my behavior truly was, I needed help from my higher power, in my case God thus lowering my own importance compared to Him and to others around me.  I then went on to give myself to Him on a daily basis, not always perfect, but progressing in the process of turning my life and will over to God’s care.  And then I did my internal search and saw who I really had become.  I listed my character defects and all my wrongs and I really knew I needed His help.

As an addict, I am too familiar with humiliation so I must distinguish between humility and humiliation.  The SAA Green Book defines humility as being teachable, vulnerable, and open.   I need to be open to new ways of thinking and new ways of living my life.  I need to be teachable and learn these new ideas as well as emotionally vulnerable to others, asking for their help as my recovery continues.  Humility, for me, is not walking up steps on my bare knees to show that I a humble worshiper, it is not dragging a 200lb+ cross on my back as I whip myself (or others whip me) with torture whips from the Roman Empire era.  The latter two seem more like humiliation … to me.

Just asking for help from others is an act of humility and of being humble.  Understanding that I can’t do this by myself is a wonderful gift; it feels great to know that I am not all powerful and I need help, every day.  I also have come to the understanding that change occurs on God’s time, not mine.  As an addict, I was used to the quick fix, the instant gratification, the quick escape.  In my early recovery, I felt the same could be done for my healing; quick and easy with no pain or suffering!  I was very, very wrong!  I often commented how I would have entered recovery 10+ years earlier than I did and the comments I received back after many meetings was, “it’s all in God’s time, not ours.”  It took me working through my own recovery to really realize that everything happens on God’s time, when God says the time is right, not when I say it is.  I also need to keep in mind that I need not be concerned with the results, all I need to do is ask.

One of my favorite ways God works in my life is through other people in and outside of recovery.  I often state in my weekly Bible reading group that God uses men (and women) around us to speak to us.  Sometimes these people “tell it like it is” and point out to me a character defect that has risen up, which in turn allows me to be entirely ready and then humbly ask God to remove it!  There are many other ways God uses people to do His work in our lives, but that is subject for another post.

It isn’t until we have looked at all these character defects and humbly asked God to remove them that we are ready to repair any harm we have done in the past.  If we do not look closely at these character defects, they might come forward during our amends, things like pride, resentment, fears, etc… might interfere with our Step 8.  So it is important to be in a place in our recovery where we can have these character defects removed (even just temporarily enough) so we can move forward and make the list of the persons we had harmed, without having these all too familiar character defects pop up and interfere with the recovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In today’s topic I read from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book

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How The Mighty Have Fallen

How the mighty have fallen

I am at the top of the world; I have everything my heart desires, why must I lust after more?  I see her through her bathroom window, bathing.  My heart starts racing, maybe I will be able to see just a little bit of nudity if she will just come out of the water some.  I stand there, waiting; it seems like hours before I catch a glimpse.  Now my heart is beating out of control, I am obsessing about this woman, my thoughts are going crazy, I can’t stop thinking about her nude body in the bath.  I need to stop this insane thinking; it’s been so long since I felt this tremendous lust!  I can’t stop, I won’t stop, I must have this woman!

I have my personal assistant research more about the condo across from this high-rise hotel building hosting our negotiations.  What is this woman’s name?  How can I get in touch with her?  I can’t stop thinking about her; she is in my mind all the time!  I have complete power, I can pay all the money I want to get the information I need, yes, that’s exactly what I’ll do.  I’ll have my assistant pay the condo management company to find out this woman’s name and information.

How long must I wait for an answer?  It feels like months have gone by, but really it’s only been a couple of days, right?  What day is it today?  It seems I’ve lost track of time because I have been obsessing about this woman.  This can’t be healthy; maybe I should visit a doctor, therapist, or a psychiatrist?  No, I am way too important to ask for help, much less ask for mental help for a sexual obsession!

A-HA! At last, I have her name!  But she is married, how can I possibly ask to see her if she’s married?  I know, I’ll ask her to come work for me, she can be here, close to me, so I can see her every day, that will cure my obsession, just having her in my presence.  What’s the worst that can possibly happen?

She’s here! She’s here!  Yes, send her in.  My goodness, what a beautiful site, I can’t believe my eyes, my heart is racing, she is so sexually arousing, I want to be sexual with her, but I can’t, I mean, can I or can’t I?  What am I thinking?  This is insane, I want to hire this girl not have sex with her, no wait, I do want to have sex with her, but how can I do this and not lose my job with some sexual harassment lawsuit and sex scandal?  My brain is spinning, I can’t think straight, my lust for this woman is overpowering.

I seduce her, she falls so easily to a man with such power and prestige, she is all mine and we have sex, right there in my office.  However, when we finish, I feel so empty, I changed my mind, I don’t want this woman anymore, but maybe I do, I am undecided, so I ask her to leave.  She is saddened but does not argue with me.

A couple of weeks later she calls, she tells me she’s pregnant.  My heart sinks, what have I done, and what can I do now?  Her husband is overseas in the military, how can I possibly cover this up?  I know, I’ll ask my close friend the General to get this guy back stateside; after all I am the Commander in Chief.  This plan will work, it has to work!

What do you mean he doesn’t want to leave his unit?  He’s been given the opportunity of a lifetime!  Doesn’t he know who I am?  He has to come home, he has to have sex with his wife before she starts showing.  He has to be the father of this woman’s baby; I can’t get wrapped up in this type of sex scandal.  Get him home, do whatever it takes.

Fine, if he won’t come back home, then I need to take care of him.  Maybe if there was an accident, like a friendly-fire incident or a recon operation behind enemy lines gone wrong?  Yes, that is what I will do; I’ll send his unit on a top secret mission of utmost important.  He will be part of a forlorn hope!

He’s dead, I’m so sorry your husband is dead, but out of the goodness of my heart I want you to move in with me, I will take care of you and your child.  This sounds so insane in my mind, what’s wrong with this line of thinking?  I don’t care, she’s mine, she’s all mine!  We will live happily ever after.

Again, back at this dreaded hotel, but what is this I see across the way?  Who is this new woman? I see her through her bathroom window, bathing…..

The above story was adapted from 2 Samuel 11 where King David displays his lack of self-control and acts like a sex addict;  obsessed and going to the extent he does in order to sexually act out, and then the even more absurd extent he goes in order to cover up his immoral sexual activities.  As someone in recovery, I can relate to the insanity involved in King David’s thinking, acting out sexually, and then trying to do whatever he could to cover it up.  In looking at this story and my own life, I have to constantly remember the insanity involved in the addiction, and must always believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.  Fortunately for King David he repented before the Lord.  However, this act of sexual immorality cost King David greatly.  He lost the son he bore with Bathsheba and his immorality carried on to his sons, Absolom, Amnon, and even Soloman.  Such is the tragic life of a sex addict; lives in the addiction, hits rock bottom, and then enters recovery, but not after the damage has been done.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Announcement – An Evening with Ken Wells

Evening with Ken Wells
Thursday, July 12, 2012 6:30 PM to 8:00 PM
Cost: $10
6:30 p.m. Check-in, coffee & dessert
7 – 8 p.m. Presentation
Location: The Hamill Foundation Conference Center
The Council on Alcohol & Drugs Houston
303 Jackson Hills Street
Houston, TX  77007
Contact: 281.200.9109 or events@council-houston.org

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Click on the Flyer to the right for more information

To register online, click the link below:

https://28052.thankyou4caring.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=483

KEN WELLS is a certified professional counselor specializing in treating sexual addiction and the treatment of sexual offense behavior at Psychological Counseling Services in Scottsdale, Arizona. He served for more than 20 years as a pastor. He and his wife Eileen have three children. He’s a founding member of Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute and serves on the executive board of New Hope Educational Foundation.

 

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Once an Addict, Always an Addict?

“Once an Addict, Always an Addict”

This phrase has been widely used to stereotype addicts for many, many years.  It is almost a “common” phrase whenever someone speaks about their loved one being addicted.  This term is also mainly used by those who don’t always understand the recovery process from addiction and what the actual term “addict” references.

Keep in mind that the following is only my own personal opinion on this subject of the use of the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict.”  In my own recovery process, this statement was said to a loved one about me.  I took quite a bit offense to this statement only because it made me feel like there was no hope, that I would always remain addicted to the chemicals produced by my brain during compulsive sexual behavior, and that I would continue to act out sexually the rest of my life.  It also scared my loved one, because they did not know much about the addiction at that time.

In looking at this term, one needs to distinguish between an active sex addict and a recovering sex addict.  An active sex addict, obviously, is one who is not in real sexual addiction recovery and continues to act out sexually.  This sex addict, although in “recovery,” could still be in a minimized state of denial where they see some sexual issues as acceptable that are typically unacceptable to even Christian non-addicts such as viewing pornography (I could spend hours and pages writing about how pornography affects the brain but this post is not about that topic).  The active addict will continue to seek out their high, usually through non-traditional acting out behaviors, until they break through the denial, live in honesty, and finally put a stop to the compulsive sexual behavior.

An addict in recovery, however, is no longer seeking ways to “beat the system” and is either living or trying to live a life of recovery.  An addict in recovery understands that recovery and life is progress not perfection, continuing to progress in their recovery, not continuing to live in their addiction.  When a sex addict finally breaks through the denial surrounding his life and truly gives himself to the program (including practicing rigorous honesty), then they are a “recovering sex addict.”

Furthermore, when one studies the brain scans of addicts versus those of healthy individuals; one can see an obvious difference.  However, with abstinence from drugs and alcohol, one can see through the brain scans that the brain of the addict slowly begins to resemble the brain of a healthy individual.  This healing of the brain will take time and abstinence from addictive behaviors, but it can and will happen.

                   
Brain on drugs                    Brain 1 Year Sober              Healthy Brain

Finally, when a sex addict enters recovery, they are asked to take a Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) questionare that is then given to their therapist for them to review and score.  This questionare typically determines if the individual truly suffers from Sexual Addiction and if they do, the individual’s level of sex addiction.  Based on the behaviors from most of my life, I scored a 19 out of 20.  Now that is pretty bad.  But God has used that measure to show me His grace and the miracles only He can peform.  Although most sex addicts don’t retake the test, last year I decided to retake it based solely on my sexual activities in the first 2 years of my recovery.  The results are written below.  In theory, I am no longer a “sex addict” as defined by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) based on the six categories that define Sexual Addiction.  I am by no means stating I am cured from sex addiction.  It is my personal belief that I will never be cured, but the disease has been slowed down enough where I can function as a healthy human being.  This is by no way “scientific” but it shows how a life of recovery from sexual addiction can actually be non-addictive and non-destructive.  If we are to become healthy, we must live a life of recovery.  The thumbnail chart at the top left of this paragraph is my score at entering recovery.  The thumbnail chart to the right is my score based on the first two years of working my recovery program.  A healthy sexual lifestyle is possible for all those who earnestly desire it!

As a recovering sex addict, I must always acknowledge the fact that if I let my guard down, I could fall back into the addiction either through a slip or relapse.  In understanding this fact, I realize that I will not always be an addict, but I will always be vulnerable to the addiction.  This being said, the correct term to be used for addicts should be as follows.

“Once an addict, always vulnerable”

I would ask that from now on this phrase be used when speaking to family, friends, spouses, or loved ones of addicts in recovery.  This phrase should also be used when speaking about yourself and your addiction recovery!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Declaration of Independence

A Declaration of Independence:

Today, we celebrate Independence Day in the United States of America.  I am grateful for the freedoms we have been given in this country.  Some of the freedoms I had, however, were very harmful to me.  These freedoms included the freedom to view and use pornography, the freedom to pursue happiness in legal forms of sexual acting out, and the freedom to worship my own god; sex addiction.  I have also been given new freedoms, the freedom choose a recovery program that satisfies my needs, the freedom to say “no” to sexual acting out, and the freedom to call Jesus Christ my higher power, and worship Him fully without fear of persecution or harm against me or my family.

Independence means a lot of things to different people.  The definition is written below:

in·de·pend·ence
/ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəns/ [in-di-pen-duhns] noun
1. Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent.
2. freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

In my case, it is freedom from the control of my sexual addiction and the behaviors associated with that addiction.  Every July 4th, I not only celebrate the independence of these United States of America, but I also make the following declaration written below, as edited from the original Declaration of Independence.

I, Jorge S., a recovering sex addict, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intention, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Jesus Christ and my healthy being, solemnly publish and declare, That I am, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of sexual compulsive behaviors, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to demoralizing and incomprehensible compulsive sexual behaviors, and that all connection between me and my addiction, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent man, I have full Power to levy War against my addiction, conclude Peace of mind, contract Alliances in my recovery, establish psychological therapy as needed to do all other Acts and Things which a healthy, sexually pure man may of right do.  — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Jesus Christ, I mutually pledge to my Life, my Fortunes, and my sacred Honor.

My declaration is short and to the point, definitely not as elegant as the one written by our Country’s founders.  Also, I wish it was as simple as making the declaration!  The United States had to fight a war, and subsequent wars against the British to gain their independence.  Furthermore, the United States had to continue to battle against other foreign nations in order to gain full independence.  And later, it had to fight a Civil War (a war against oneself) in order to maintain its independence!  Even today, the United States continues to fight to maintain its independence, this fight may be against terrorists, against energy monopolies, against corruption, etc…  The point is, the United States of American has continued to fight to maintain its independence and must continue to fight.

In this same way, I need to continue to fight against my sexual addiction.  I can’t let my guard down.  If I do, then I will have allowed my addiction a foothold into my life and that makes the fall easier!  I must be always vigilant in my struggle to maintain sexual purity.  Sexual Purity is not a right, it is a privilege given to me, by God, on a daily basis, and I must always be grateful for that privilege and do whatever I can to maintain it.  I have not been and am not perfect, however, I will continue to strive for progress, not perfection in my recovery.

So I not only declare indepenendce from my sexual addiction but also that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my sobriety. One moment at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time!

Take what you like and leave the rest.