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Journal Through Recovery Entry 38: So I Practice?

Counseling is beneficial to me. Ok, that is kind of an obvious statement. Shocking, right?? Actually, to me it isn’t so obvious. (Sorry, counselor!) I am seeing counseling now for what it is meant to be, a component of my recovery. A very important one.

Each time in my 12 step meeting, we read a definition of our addiction called “Our Problem.” At the end it states what we must do to overcome our problem. “We must attend and support recovery meetings, share with and listen to others, continue to work the 12 Steps, gratefully serve the fellowship, and reach out to others who still struggle.” There is one addition for me…counseling. I can give you an example. A very important one for me.

My counselor recently asked me to do an exercise. He asked me to start listening to my wife. I told him I do that. A lot. Evidently that wasn’t enough. So he gave me an exercise to try with her. He told me to ask her about her day. And then just shut up and listen. For 15 minutes. Without saying a word. Just see how that feels and listen to her. Ok, I can do that. That’s easy because I do that all the time. I don’t interrupt, I always listen to her about what is going on with her.

So I got home. We fixed dinner, took care of the kids, took a walk around the lake with dog, cleaned up around the house, and then finally settled in for the night. All was quiet. I asked about her day. And I shut up and listened. Only, I discovered something. I wasn’t good at it. I had to mentally stop myself from interrupting every couple of minutes. I was really surprised by how much I would have normally interjected, given her advice, told her how to handle a situation. I also discovered something else that was the most important. I heard so much more. Wow, did I miss a lot usually. She shared things that I normally would have missed. All because I listened.

This seemed like an interesting exercise, another way to connect with my spouse. Just a good practice to put in place to deepen intimacy with my wife. To put her needs above mine. Until something interesting happened to connect the dots for me. I told you, I need extra parts in my recovery because many times I miss important truths. This was one of those times.

I was having breakfast with a brother in recovery. He talked about submitting. He was mentioning how in Step 3 we turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. How submitting his will to his wife was practice for submitting to God. That made it click for me. Listening was the same way. Actually marriage is the same way.

I have missed so much in my marriage. Such important truths and learnings. Marriage by design is practice. It allows us to practice intimacy, listening, submission, communication, love…all those relational components. It is practice for us to develop a deeper intimacy with God. And I missed it. The entire time.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 47: Interview with Dr. Alexandra Katehakis – Certified Sex Addiction Therapist on Sexuality in Recovery

Dr. Katehakis weaves together her background as both a Sex Addiction Therapist and Sex Therapist to look for ways where those in recovery can find healthy sexuality again.
She speaks on practical matters for couples in recovery as well as the importance of meditation and vulnerability.
She is the Director of the Center for Healthy Sex which has a large array of resources available.
Please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 37: How Do I Tell My Story?

I have no interest in giving you an account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders. – Romans 15:18 (The Message)

I have been uncomfortable with trying to tell my story. I honestly still have pride and selfishness as character flaws that haven’t gone away. I know these exist in me and therefore add to my hesitancy to tell my story. Basically, I don’t trust my own motivations for telling my story. I don’t want to make it about me. I want it to be like the Bob Marley work of my youth: a “Redemption Song.”

I took this to my counselor and my sponsor to get some guidance on this. My sponsor as I believe I have previously stated has cautioned me about not being willing to share my story. That by not doing so, I am not allowing God to use it for His glory. So I am not sure what to do here. They gave me good advice and straightened out my warped thinking. So here goes.

First, I should tell my story if I need to tell it to get more out of me. Will it benefit me in my own recovery to tell my story in the situation I am in. Is there a purpose for me to share it to aid in where I am in working the steps. Like I did in step five when I shared it with a friend who isn’t in recovery, as an act of admission of my wrong doings. I should consider the situation and see if there is a need for me to share based upon my own recovery.

Second, I should tell my story if the other person will benefit from hearing it. Recently, I had this opportunity come up when speaking with someone new in one of our recovery meetings. I saw that he was struggling in starting to work through the steps and in maintaining any long periods of sobriety. So I prayed about it and really felt the need to share my own difficulties in entering recovery and staying here. I was able to share my experience, strength and hope with him. I was able to talk to him about the need for counseling, accountability, recovery meetings, checking in with other guys, and having a sponsor in my own recovery. I told him to take what you like and leave the rest. And he did.

Finally, my story has to be relevant. In other words, I don’t need to share it just to hear myself talk, to bring attention to myself for no purpose. There has to be a reason and a purpose to share it. In step nine while making amends, I have shared my story with a couple of people who had the right to know my story. It was relevant to me making amends with them. So I did. It was uncomfortable and difficult and definitely relevant. I didn’t share my story to make excuses for my actions and the damage I caused them. I shared my story because my story was relevant in the context of making amends.

Three guidelines to sharing my story:

  1. Do I need to tell it to get more out of me
  2. Will the other person benefit from hearing it
  3. Is it relevant

I can live with those. Otherwise, as my sponsor told me before, anything else is probably wasting my story, my “redemption” story.

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast Episode #10

Turning my life over to God was something I thought I did a long time ago. It’s the combination of turning my life AND will over to God that I missed…and am struggling with now.

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Confrontation Makes Relationships Work

Proverbs 9:8 –“Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”

What is your normal reaction when conflict occurs in a new relationship? Are you comfortable addressing the issue? Or, do you stuff the issue out of fear or a desire to preserve the peace? Honesty is the best policy for two important reasons:

  1. Being honest helps resolve the hurt or the conflict.
  2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t, then you are building a relationship based on a false sense of security and closeness. And it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go, if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out, sooner rather than later, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment, and perhaps even abuse.

Proverbs puts it well about a person who cannot take confrontation: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise” (Proverbs 15:12).

Whether you’re dating someone, starting a new friendship, or building a business alliance, you need to know if you are in a relationship with someone who is going to be defensive when you bring up hurt or conflict, or if you are with someone who is going to be able to listen, learn, and respond. If you do not deal with conflict early on, and the relationship gets serious, then you have bought yourself a world of trouble.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. But being honest is totally up to you. You cannot control what the other person does. However, you can decide what kind of person you are going to be. As a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.