CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 32: Shame Is Selfish

I love meetings. I hear stuff that I just don’t believe at first. Ok, I know this is a goofy path for a journal entry but hang with me. I believe and the Bible is clear that God reveals Himself to us in many ways including reading His word, prayer, being still and shutting up and listening, worship, and even yes even other people. That includes recovery meetings. See, God LOVES revealing himself to me in recovery meetings. Only, I am too thick to see Him coming most of the time.

So I am going to shamelessly steal this incredible share that a friend of mine used recently in the Thursday night group. Yes, you know who you are. He announced very proudly that tonight his topic would be on shame. I seriously felt the air leave the room. If it was a larger group, you would have audibly heard the collective “ughhhhhh.” Sorry my friend, maybe it was just me but I think we all felt it.

I seriously considered just mentally checking out. I steadied myself for another reminder that shame meant I thought “I am bad” and guilt meant I healthily thought “I did bad things.” So moral of the story, feel guilt not shame. Blah blah blah, right? Only my friend is way smarter than me so of course that isn’t what he said at all.

His opening statement was that shame is an emotion from God but can be completely self centered and hinder recovery. What did he just say? Ok, I am awake now. He said that allowing ourselves to wallow (his words, not mine!) in our shame was another form of justification for our actions. Ok, so that is a bit harsh, don’t you think? I mean, come on. I thought we are supposed to feel sorry for guys stuck in shame because they are wrongly focused on thinking they are a bad person, not in the right area of guilt where they remember God’s salvation and redemption and that they have done bad things. Only…that isn’t what he was saying. He was saying that staying in shame is a cop-out, basically.

Ok, I am really paying attention now. Keep going. So my friend said there are three ways of recognizing that we are stuck in shame in our own lives. Three warning signs that we are in shame and that staying there is selfish.

  1. We are acting out of fear because we are afraid to expose our true self and need to hide. Yikes, that hurt. Definitely a cop out I take
  2. We are blaming and refusing to admit the truth. Basically, I let myself off the hook by setting such a low standard. Obviously, I suck so therefore I can’t expect to be much better. Yep, definitely a technique I have used.
  3. We disconnect and don’t feel or experience our emotions. This robs us from feeling compassion for those we have hurt. Yeah, emotional avoidance. I rock at that.

So shame is selfish. Yeah, I guess it is. So what do I do about it? Community. Community is the key. Being able to walk into my groups, share my garbage, and still be loved. Wow, what an antidote for shame. I love the quote he closed the share with and dropped the mic, so I will steal it (again, sorry my friend!): “As long as I am conditionally known, I will be conditionally loved.”

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 46: The Importance of Telling Your Story in Sex Addiction Recovery

Doug discusses the importance of telling your story in addiction recovery. It is a powerful way to become more connected and develop a stronger community.  We learn to overcome our character defects, and we see how God can use our brokenness to benefit others.

Doug discusses the practical ways to begin the process as well as the overall importance in doing so.

Please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org to get help, gather information, or let us record your testimony! 

Remember that as you walk this road of recovery, you are not alone.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 31: Not Disqualified

For as long as I can remember, I have been involved in my local church. I was a leader in my youth group. I was a Sunday school teacher. I led adult Bible studies and small groups. I led men’s groups. One of the gifts that I have always known that God gave me is the gift of teaching. My writing informs that.

Much as my writing has been dormant for many years, my teaching has been as well. Prior to recovery, I couldn’t take a lot of joy out of the gift God gave me for His own glory because I felt unworthy. I knew I wasn’t being honest with God. I was keeping part of myself from Him, from my wife, from my family. So…I stopped. I stopped using the gifts He gave me because I felt unworthy. I felt disqualified.

I have for so long looked for reasons to avoid my local church. Now, I long for and crave the Biblical instruction. This week, my pastor spoke through the audience of a couple thousand to speak to me directly. I didn’t even see it coming.

He opened his sermon with Romans 11:29 – “for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.” Huh. Ok, I didn’t know that. He then zeroed in. On me. Or it felt like it was just me. He started talking about being disqualified. About the things that disqualify you from occupations, or society, or being able to vote, or being a member of an organization. How it felt to be disqualified, excluded, kicked out. Exactly how I felt. Unworthy to serve God.

He reminded me that I am not here to please other people. That isn’t my purpose. In fact, if I was worried about the judgment or opinion or esteem of others, I was defying God. If I wasn’t using the gifts and telling the story He gave me, then I wasn’t paying attention to scripture. Wait, what?

Yeah, Galatians 1:10 kinda nailed me on this one. In it, Paul writes: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Sometimes Paul ticks me off. So does my pastor. Really, so does God. I am running out of ways to fail Him. I keep disqualifying myself from His service. From being worthy of being of use to Him. But…that’s my flesh talking, not God. I am not disqualified. I am qualified…because I belong to God. Really, my story does. So do my gifts.

Hear me out. God has given me some gifts. I know they don’t come from me so they most definitely come from Him. In my sin, in my addiction, those gifts have stagnated from lack of use. And I have justified that lack of use as my sin deeming me disqualified. Only, that isn’t what God says in His word. Quite the opposite. He tells us that His gifts and His call are irrevocable. Not dependent on being “good enough.” Irrevocable.

God has given me gifts. I can write some. I can teach a little. I feel in His will when I do both for His purpose. Me not using those gifts, not telling the story He has given me through the gifts he has given me…basically, my call…then I am glorifying Him. I am not fulfilling the purpose He gave me. So I guess I am qualified. How about that.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 45: Overcoming Abandonment in Recovery

Doug discusses his character defect of Abandonment and how it can feel all-consuming at times. He discusses illustrations that point out the negative aspects of abandonment that can creep in without being aware.

He also discusses practical ways to overcome fear and abandonment by being healthy emotionally and vulnerable in relationship.

Please email us with any comments and/or questions at
puritypodcast@castimonia.org, and remember that you are not alone!

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Women and Their Father Wounds

Women and Their Father Wounds

by applyingmybeliefs

How we connect with our earthly fathers affects our entire life.  It gives us some of our perspective on God, it teaches us about bonding with men and it provides us with guidance on how to conduct life.  All of these can be highly positive, disastrously negative or somewhere in between.  When the father-daughter relationship is more to the negative end of the spectrum, it is said to cause father wounds.

Listen to some things women have said on this subject:

Juanita – Growing up, I saw my father beat my mother a lot, and it made me scared.  I avoided my father in case he might beat me.  Later on I discovered my mother was actually protecting me and my two sisters.  I am still scared of him 25 years later, and I have trouble connecting with men.  I’ve been married 3 times, and each one has been an abuser.

Gloria – I remember my dad used to go into the bathroom for what seemed like hours, one day when I was 7 I walked in on him masturbating to a magazine.  I was traumatized, and he stopped what he was doing and told me not tell anyone otherwise he would whoop me.  When I first got married I had a difficult time with sex; it took a lot of patience from my husband to work through it.

Susan – My relationship with my dad was confusing when I was young.  Sometimes he was the best, then when he drank he would be cold and distant.  He would often come home late, and when he did, us kids would hide, because he was usually angry.  That is my picture of God too.

Abigail – It started when I was 8, my dad, who was a single dad, just me and him, would leave me alone with his brother, my uncle while he was out.  My uncle started molesting me, and then he would do more.  Even though my uncle threatened me, I still tried to tell dad, but he wouldn’t listen.  He never protected me, and this went on for 6 years, until I told a teacher.  That is why I don’t pray; God won’t listen or protect me, I have to do it myself.

Jenny – My dad never did anything bad to me.  He just seemed to zone out at home.  He did come to my volleyball games, but didn’t praise or encourage me.  Sometimes it was like he wasn’t there.  We don’t have a close relationship.

We all know that sociologist’s research has proven over and over again that the quality of relationship a father has with his daughter is a large factor in determining the daughter’s ability to connect with men, and her ability to develop intimacy with her mate.  We also know that the absence of a father in a home is highly correlated with the probability of a daughter looking for male affection in the wrong places and with the wrong people.

Today then we want to discuss your relationship with your father using these questions:

  • How was your relationship with your dad, and how did it impact your view of God?
  • Do you have father wounds, and what are they?
  • What attitudes or behaviors of yours can you tie to your father wounds?