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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Healing the Father Wound, Part 1 – VIDEO

I recently had the pleasure of watching the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”.  For those that do not know this movie, it is the story of the struggle between P. L. Travers (played by Emma Thompson) and Walt Disney (played by Tom Hanks) in the creation of the movie version of Travers’ Mary Poppins books.  As I watched this movie, my recovery senses were tingling.  I had no idea what this movie was going to be about, much less an expectation of a much deeper meaning that would bring up my father wound and literally bring me to tears by the end of the movie (I love being able to feel these strong emotions and not stuff them deep down).  You see, P. L. Travers, formally named Helen Goff, grew up in rural Australia with an alcoholic father.  The childhood part of the story takes place in 1906, the “current events” portion where she is reviewing the Disney script takes place in 1961.

From this movie, I was able to see how deep the “father wound” ran in P. L. Travers.  Being the daughter of an alcoholic, she grew up to be what I call a “control freak” which basically means she needs to control everything and everyone around her in order to feel “safe.”  This control extended to the use of her Mary Poppins character by Walt Disney.  There are so many examples of her woundedness that I had to break up the original two hour movie into two 30 minute videos.  I highly encourage you to watch the movie in its entirety.  It is a great example of the father wound that all fathers can inflict on their children, some shallow, but for Helen Goff, some very, very deep. The reality that P. L. Travers, as an adult, was acting out for most of her life, trying to find healing for her father wound is unfortunately outside the scope of this movie.  Nevertheless, it is worth researching and only adds more proof of the depth of which P. L. Travers experienced her father wound.

Part one of the video is mainly the wounds being inflicted on Helen as a child and then bubbling to the surface (acting out with anger, control, manipulation, etc…) as she reviews all the story boards and music associated with the Mary Poppins movie.  I hope you enjoy watching this movie as much as I enjoyed editing it.  Keep an eye out for the comments I make throughout the film.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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Golfer DQs himself from Open to clear conscience

This is a great lesson in rigorous honesty!  Being honest with yourself, and then with others, regardless of the consequences, is something that all of us in recovery should strive for.

Originally posted: http://www.bigstory.ap.org/article/golfer-dqs-himself-open-clear-conscience

By PAUL NEWBERRY

— Jun. 11, 2014 6:02 PM EDT

PINEHURST, N.C. (AP) — Jason Millard packed his bags, tossed his clubs in the car, and headed off to Pinehurst No. 2 to play in his first major championship.

It should’ve been the thrill of a lifetime.

Instead, he turned the car around.

“I couldn’t be at peace about it,” Millard said Wednesday, one day before the start of a U.S. Open he could’ve been playing in but will have to watch on television — if he can bear to watch at all.

What gnawed at him was maybe, just maybe, he had cheated.

Not intentionally, for sure. Perhaps not at all.

But the lingering doubt was enough for Millard to give up what could be the chance of a lifetime.

“I want to be at Pinehurst right now with a free conscience,” he said when reached on his cellphone. “I wish it never happened. Unfortunately, it did.”

What happened was a scenario unique to golf, the one sport that relies on its players to largely do their own officiating. Millard may have touched the sand ever so slightly with his club before hitting a plugged shot out of a bunker during sectional qualifying in Memphis, Tennessee, last week. It didn’t really affect his shot, but “grounding” a club is against the rules and requires a two-shot penalty.

No one else saw it. There’s no video of the shot. And Millard just isn’t sure.

“Right about the time I was taking my swing is when I saw what I think was an indentation in the sand,” he said. “That little image keeps popping up in my head right now. But it happened so fast. I really don’t know.”

Millard signed for a 68-68 score, without a penalty, and wound up earning a spot in the U.S. Open. He wanted to celebrate but couldn’t. Not with that shot playing over and over in his mind.

Did he ground the club? Was that tiny crevice in the sand really there? Was he just imagining the whole thing?

Last Saturday, Millard and his caddie (who wasn’t at the sectional qualifier) headed out from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, for the nearly eight-hour drive to Pinehurst. They made it about 90 minutes before Millard pulled into a convenience store and began searching for a number to the U.S. Golf Association.

He wouldn’t be going any farther.

He had decided to turn himself in.

“There was something in my heart,” he said, “telling me this didn’t feel right.”

Millard disqualified himself for signing an erroneous scorecard. If he had taken a two-shot penalty on the day of the qualifier, he still would’ve missed the Open by a single shot.

“I feel like the way I played that day, I deserved to make it,” Millard said. “I’ve never called a penalty on myself for grounding a club in the bunker. Unfortunately, it happened at the absolutely worst time.”

The timing couldn’t have been better for Sam Love, who just finished his college career at Alabama-Birmingham. He was the second alternate in Memphis; when Millard dropped out, Love got in.

“I really respect him for that,” Love said in the bowels of the Pinehurst clubhouse after a practice round. “He could’ve easily just played this tournament and nobody would’ve ever known.”

When Love tees off Thursday afternoon in the opening round, Millard will be at home in Tennessee. He plans to watch at least some of the tournament on TV, but knows it won’t go down easily.

“I haven’t really watched any of the coverage yet,” said Millard, a two-time All-American during his college career at Middle Tennessee State. “I’m sure I will at some point, especially the last round. I’ve played Pinehurst before. I like watching tournaments, especially on courses I’ve played before.”

Of course, he’d much rather be playing.

“Unfortunately, this is what happens in life,” Millard said. “Hopefully, I’ll be back there one day.”

He’s already dealt with issues far more serious than missing a golf tournament. His father Eddie, who steered him to the game and drove him to all his tournaments as a kid, died in April 2013 from leukemia. Millard’s mother, Debbie, can barely get around after being stricken with multiple sclerosis. Jason, in fact, still lives with his mom when he’s not on the road trying to qualify for PGA Tour and Web.com events. He pays her bills, does the grocery shipping, takes care of odds and ends around the house.

Millard was thinking about his dad when trying to decide whether to disqualify himself from the Open.

“He was pretty much my best friend,” Millard said. “When stuff would happen, I always called him first. In this instance, I definitely would’ve called him first, talked to him about it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t.”

Millard is only 24, with plenty of golf still ahead of him. He surely will have more chances to qualify for the Open.

That said, there are no guarantees in life.

This might be as close as he gets.

If that’s the case, at least he can go through the rest of his years with a clear conscience.

“I’m at peace,” Millard said, “with my decision.”

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Object of Their Affections

5798_fdfePeople develop addictions to shield themselves from intolerably painful feelings. An addiction always creates harmful, often ignored consequences. Only when the addiction becomes unmanageable will people do something about it. Love addicts spend much time, effort on a person to whom they are addicted. Love addicts value this person above themselves, and their focus on the beloved other often is obsessive. This behavior results in love addicts neglecting to care for themselves in a variety of ways, in essence abandoning important aspects of their lives and well-being to stay connected to the object of their affections. Love addiction doesn’t necessarily pertain only to romantic or sexual relationships. It is possible for a person to relate as a love addict with their friends, children, sponsor, guru or religious figure, or even with a movie star, whom they have never met. A love addict’s core fantasy is the expectation that someone else can solve their problems, provide unconditional positive regard at all times, and take care of them. When this unrealistic need isn’t met, love addicts may find themselves feeling resentful, and may create conflict in their relationships with others. Some love addicts find that when not involved in a love-addicted relationship, they are able to care for themselves quite adequately. However, when they become involved, the love addict quickly finds that their self-care capacity steadily declines. From “What is Love Addiction?” By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/26/what-is-love-addiction/

“My fear of abandonment is exceeded only by my terror of intimacy.” – Ethlie Ann Vare

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Addiction Parallels in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – VIDEO

One of the gifts of recovery I have noticed is being able to recognize recovery-related themes in movies.  When I first watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy I was still in my addiction and was blind to the relationship between the One Ring and that of an Addiction.  However, having recently watched the trilogy, various aspects of the movie, in my opinion, directly relate to an addict’s fight against an addiction.

This 38 minute video consists of scenes from The Lord of the Rings trilogy as filmed by Peter Jackson and originally written in the 1950s by J.R.R. Tolkien.  The Lord of the Rings is an epic high fantasy novel written by English author J. R. R. Tolkien. The story began as a sequel to Tolkien’s 1937 children’s fantasy novel The Hobbit, but eventually developed into a much larger work.  The book consists of three volumes, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King.  

J. R. R. Tolkien once described The Lord of the Rings as “a fundamentally religious and Catholic work” he wrote to his friend, the English Jesuit Father Robert Murray, “unconsciously so at first, but consciously in the revision.“(The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, 142). There are many theological themes underlying the narrative, the battle of good versus evil, the triumph of humility over pride, the activity of grace, Death and Immortality, Resurrection, Salvation, Repentance, Self-Sacrifice, Free Will, Humility, Justice, Fellowship, Authority and Healing. In it the great virtues of Mercy and Pity (shown by Bilbo and Frodo towards Gollum) win the day and the message from the Lord’s Prayer “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” was very much on Tolkien’s mind as Frodo struggled against the power of the One Ring (Letters, 181 and 191). I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed editing it.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest! (from http://tolkiengateway.net)

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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An Illogical Extreme

An Illogical Extreme
Posted by James Browning on November 29, 2012

Being dependent in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s a component of healthy relationships. Some people fear dependency, interpreting it as a sign of weakness or helplessness, or out of a fear of intimacy. If we grew up in a family that encouraged a sense of autonomy and independent growth, with parents who praised our achievements and showed us love, we will reach adulthood with a sense of security about ourselves and our internal worth and our ability to move through the world as successful people… Sometimes things don’t go the way described above, and what’s experienced growing up is criticism, rejection, conditional love (often based on achievement that validates the parents’, not the child’s, sense of self-worth), [and] over dependence promoted as valuable, making it impossible to feel adequate without another person around to shore up self-worth. In this scenario you are unable to take responsibility for your own sense of adequacy. You expect your good feelings about yourself to be validated from outside yourself – usually from another person. You feel weak and vulnerable. You depend on someone else to feel secure, comforted, nurtured, supported, lovable, or worthy. A codependent relationship is one in which someone else’s needs are met before your own. Everything becomes about looking after the other person, at your expense. It tends to be learned behavior, starting either as a coping mechanism to survive painful experiences in a severely dysfunctional family, or in imitation of other family members in your generation or the one above you, who are caught in the same trap. It is a coping mechanism gone to an illogical extreme and has become maladaptivee. By Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA
http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99

“If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” – Fritz Perls