CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 04/28/2012

RESENTMENT

A friend in recovery once told me that “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.  So in essence, resentment is like drinking poison.  We poison our minds with resentments we hold onto and in some way, shape, or form, hope that the person we resent “feels” our pain.

Well this simply is not the case.  The person whom we resent does not, and cannot feel our pain.  Resentment, however affects us deeply and we feel the pain from our own resentment of others.  No matter what has happened in your life, no matter what was done to you, to hold onto a resentment is your own fault, not someone else’s.

I was sexually abused as a child, and for many years I had this hidden level of resentment for my abusers.  I always kept it hidden deep inside and did not really open up and discuss the resentment I really had for these individuals but in really I was just in denial about the abuse.  I did not even see it as abuse and a resentment until a therapist helped me see my abuse for what it really was, childhood sexual abuse.  Once I opened that door to the truth, I was flooded with feelings of sadness, anger, rage, hate and found myself resenting these other people and what they took from me; my innocence.  I was under the illusion that it was not childhood sexual abuse because my abusers were my age or a little older.  Also, I actually enjoyed the sexual acting out with one girl in particular and never questioned my friends when asked to perform sexual acts with them.  I was under the illusion that sex was part of friendship and that being loved by a female was translated through her wanting to be sexual with me, initiating the sex.  I grew up with this misconception and it greatly affected numerous relationships I had as an adult.

So how do I work on my resentment?  Well the 12 Steps has a solution on working on these issues.  Step 4 states, “Made a Searching and Fearless Inventory of Ourselves.”  What does this mean?  It means we look deep into our character defects and part of this looking deep is to look at where we still hold onto our resentments.

In working a Step 4 inventory on my resentment, I was able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why I am resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects me personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations).  However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory.  In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment.  We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment.

For the sake of time and space, I won’t go into all the details of working a Step 4 on my particular resentment.  Please consult with your sponsor for a detailed analysis on working a proper Step 4, as he might see things in your that you cannot see for yourself.

Today’s meeting was held at Rick’s Ranch in Sealy, TX.  The address and directions to the ranch can be found below.  Two or three more meetings this year will be held at Rick’s and we have food, fun, and fellowship afterward.  Getting to know one another outside a normal meeting setting is very important for establishing trust and friendships with one another in our recovery!

April 28, 2012 – Castimonia at Rick’s Ranch
On Saturday, April 28, 2012, Castimonia will NOT be meeting at The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch.  The church will be holding a parent’s summit that Saturday.  Castimonia will meet at Rick’s Ranch near Sealy, TX.  We will have our regular meeting at 10am and have a food fellowship at 11:30am.  We should be finished by 12:30pm but you may leave earlier if needed.

Rick’s Ranch
9597 SE I-10 Frontage Road
Sealy, TX  77474

Here’s a bing map of the location: http://binged.it/JD7AIE

Click on the map below for a full-size image with driving directions.

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Christians Support of the Sex Trade

Excellent write-up on how Christians are supporting, perhaps unwittingly, the sex trade industry and human trafficking!

Christians Support of the Sex Trade

Posted by ⋅ April 17, 2012
My church recently had a campaign to provide some funds to a ministry in India called “As Our Own”.  This ministry takes young girls, with the permission of their mothers, who are highly at risk of being sexually exploited because their mothers are prostitutes and rescues them from a dark future.  They can’t rescue every girl at risk, but they do save many.  Here is the link to their website, please consider supporting them in prayer and by giving a little of your treasure:

http://asourown.org/

We all have heard of the “sex trade”, and generally we all have a good understanding of what it means.  Here is a list of its major components:

    • Strip and Gentleman’s Clubs.
    • Massage Parlors and Spas.
    • Live Sex Shows.
    • Sex Tourism.
    • Prostitution.
    • Pornography.
    • Human Trafficking.

While most of this involves the slavery, at some level, of women over the age of 18, so much of it today does not.  Increasingly girls from about 10 years old and up are being forced in some form of sexual servitude.  What is also happening is that the sex trade business has become increasingly global and is more profitable than the drug business.

Continue reading the rest of the post…..

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Toss Your Textbooks: Docs Redefine Sexual Behavior Addictions

Toss Your Textbooks: Docs Redefine Sexual Behavior Addictions

American Society of Addiction Medicine agrees to disagree with DSM
Published on September 15, 2011 by Gary Wilson in Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
A major event has occurred in the realm of addiction science and treatment. America’s top addiction experts at The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) have just released their sweeping new definition of addiction. This new definition ends the debate over whether sex and porn addictions are “real addictions.”  They are.

The new definition resulted from an intensive, four‐year process with more than 80 experts actively working on it, including top addiction authorities, addiction medicine clinicians and leading neuroscience researchers from across the country. … Two decades of advancements in neurosciences convinced ASAM that addiction needed to be redefined by what’s going on in the brain.

The new definition leaves no doubt that all addictions—whether to alcohol, heroin or sex, say—are fundamentally the same. Dr. Raju Haleja, former president of the Canadian Society for Addiction Medicine and the chair of the ASAM committee that crafted the new definition, told The Fix, “We are looking at addiction as one disease, as opposed to those who see them as separate diseases. Addiction is addiction. It doesn’t matter what cranks your brain in that direction, once it has changed direction, you’re vulnerable to all addiction.” …Sex or gambling or food addiction [are] every bit as medically valid as addiction to alcohol or heroin or crystal meth.

Click the link below for the full article as well as other great posts on sexual addiction issues.

Psychology Today Sex Addiction Article

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 3/31/2012

The Iceberg Model

In today’s Castimonia meeting I presented what is referred to as the “Iceberg” Model of behavior and addiction.   I was fortunate enough to come across these two great articles (linked at the bottom) on the front page of the Focus on the Family website.  I remember reviewing the Iceberg Model in my Sex Addiction Specialist training but it seems we did not spend enough time on it.  However, the two-part article linked at the bottom does an excellent job at explaining the concept.  For the sake of the meeting time and group sharing, I will try to summarize it to the best of my ability.

The diagram to the left was passed out during our meeting.  It displays the overall concept of the Iceberg Model.  In understanding this model a reference to the Titanic was made.  This reference, quoted below, came from the first part of the article linked at the bottom.

Titanic Parallel Quote:

“A computer simulation of the crash indicated there would have been less damage and loss of life if the ship had hit the iceberg head-on, instead of trying to skirt around it at the last minute. That point hits close to home, too, doesn’t it? Even when our foolhardy behaviors lead us on a collision course, we do all we can to avoid the impact, rather than face our struggle head on. We deny, lie, ignore, shift blame, lash out, and further medicate ourselves to avoid coming to the conclusion that our life is quickly sinking.”

Many times during our addiction-filled years, when a partner caught us, we tried to minimize the behavior or problem.  We used lines such as “every guy does it” or “it’s not as bad as you think.”  It is only when we confront the problem with the truth, that we begin to find healing!

Behaviors:

At the top of the iceberg and above the water line are the behaviors.  These behaviors are what are noticeable to others and to ourselves (particularly when we step out of our denial).  These “acting-out” behaviors can be explosive rage and anger, excessive alcohol drinking, illegal drug use, use of pornography, or sexually acting out in destructive ways.  These behaviors are visible and tangible items.  In recovery, we learn to stop these behaviors.  However, that is not enough.  Simply stopping the behaviors will not allow God to heal us.  Other destructive behaviors may come forward to take the place of the subdued behavior.  A sex addict may being compulsive eating.  An alcoholic may have fits of anger and rage.  A drug user may begin acting out sexually.  We call this the “whack-a-mole” syndrome.  When one acting out behavior is subdued, another one pops up elsewhere!

Thoughts:

One level beneath the water surface are our thoughts.  We examine what we are thinking and why.  We look at ourselves and what we think about ourselves, what negative thoughts we have been fed or have fed ourselves.  We look at our “stinking thinking” and bring it out to the open.  In the open, we can analyze and allow for clarity and healing.  We use our recovery tools to stop these intrusive thoughts, even sexual ones!

Emotions:

Moving down to the next section, we view our personal emotions.  We need to be able to ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”  It may not seem “manly” to get in touch with our feelings, but this is a very important part of why we act out.

“Left untreated, emotional wounds fester, leading to pain worse than the original wound. Paradoxically, until the painful consequences of our reactive behavior feels worse than the emotional pain we’re trying to medicate, we will continue to engage in harmful behaviors. In other words, we only stop when the iceberg sinks us.”

We need to understand our feelings in order to find healing.  As the old saying goes, “God heals what I feel.”

Spirit:

Finally, at the base, we look at our spirit.  Our spirit is where we are most like God.  I believe God has designed us to need and want him.  The quote below summarizes this concept.

“Many refer to the “God-shaped void” we supposedly have inside us. A more complete view of our spirit reveals that God created us to need, above all else, intimacy. By our nature, we are driven to seek an intimate connection with Him. No drug, religion, person, sex act, or consuming hobby can ever take the place of that connection.”

It is also important to distinguish between religion and a relationship with God.  What we need in recovery is a relationship with God.  Unfortunately, many of us (myself included) have dived into a religion rather than a relationship with God.  It is the relationship we need to seek to fill the void inside us.  No religious ritual will ever replace an intimate relationship with God.  A perfect example in the way I have set a barrier is in trusting God. “Am I able to transfer trust to God when it comes to issues like my relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical security? ”  This is a question I will want to quickly answer “yes” until I think about my family.  I am very quick to take all power from God and hold it for myself when it comes to the security and safety of my family.  This is one place I want to let go and let God.  Baby steps….

Take what you like and leave the rest!

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 1

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 2

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Colombian Prostitutes!

“The scandal was made public Saturday. As many as 11 agents and 10 military  servicemembers allegedly brought prostitutes back to their hotel in Cartagena,  Colombia, while doing advance work before the president’s arrival for a trade  summit.”

Seriously? Another scandal dealing with Sexual Purity issues and public employees?  Why does this not surprise me?  I didn’t even bother to watch or read a single news story on the subject of the Secret Service agents and Marines who used the services of 20+ Colombian prostitutes the week before the president made his trip to the South American country.  I understood what was going on, just from the headlines.  I actually had to search for the story in order to read more about it!

The sad reality is, in today’s mainstream society, it is almost acceptable for a man, especially overseas, to partake in this type sexual immorality.  The news stories keep referencing a “secret culture” in the Secret Service that seems to have been in place for a while.  However, as “mainstream” as it is for men to visit prostitutes or act out sexually in affairs, self gratification, or pornography, this should never be acceptable.  Accepting that a co-worker engage in such activity is just as bad as you supporting them in that activity!  The “secret culture” they speak of is a culture of immorality and looking the other way, accepting this type of behavior as normal behavior, both by the Secret Service and Military members.  I believe that the problem is that of “group think” where many men have done this for so long and passed it on to others, that when someone new asks the question “why?” the other men accuse him of not being a “team player” but in reality don’t even know where, when, or how this “secret culture” became acceptable, they just accept and partake!

Their actions will have major ramifications not only for themselves and their loved ones, but for the entire agency.  The head of the Secret Service agency is now under scrutiny.  Why didn’t he stop this “secret culture” when he took the job?  Perhaps he was part of that culture and either engaged in the immoral behavior or simply looked the other way.  From my knowledge of members of the Secret Service, this type of activity is nothing new.  Many participate and those that do not, simply look the other way!

At what point do your friends or co-workers confront you on your sexually immoral behaviors?  Is it after you’ve been caught or while you are acting out?  A man who struggles with sexual immorality as much as these guys do are perhaps in a deep denial that they have a problem.  Furthermore, their “friends” don’t do anything to help the man and just enable his actions, some by joining the “fun” and other by looking the other way.  In my case, I wish I “real” friends would have said something to me about my problem with sexual impurity before I went as far as I did.

Have you ever been in a position where you saw a coworker acting in an immoral manner and failed to say or do something about it?  Were you just a team player and even joined in on the fun?  How about at your church?  Do you know the men at your church intimately enough to know they might struggle with sexual purity?  Perhaps you have been in a support or recovery group long enough where you can take the initiative and be courageous enough to step forward and do what is right and help out a fellow man.  Sometimes, these men need to be brought into the light by brothers who struggle with the same issues.

Sexual impurity, however, is a very secretive issue.  So how can a man in recovery help bring out those that need help?  It’s easy (sort of).  You can help others simply by being open and honest with your own struggles, not caring what the other men or women think about you or your past activities.  You never know who might be listening, perhaps someone who is so far “down the scale” that they desperately need to hear about hope in getting out of the pit of sexual immorality.  Perhaps one of these Secret Service agents could have had the support to say “No” to sexual immorality had someone at their church given their testimony on how they were a slave to sexual immorality or addiction!

We don’t really know how God will use us or our testimony, just at the right time, for the right person, for the right reason, to advance His kingdom and help a lost man living in the dark, come to the light and enter a spiritual program of recovery.