CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Affairs

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 03: Meetings

“…..I’m a believer in Christ, and I am a recovering sex addict.”

Those were the jarring initial words I heard after I walked into my first Castimonia meeting several months ago, before I had admitted to myself that I couldn’t control whatever had gotten me to this point.  Ok, I just have to dwell on those initial words for a moment.  A “believer in Christ AND a recovering sex addict?”  How is that even possible?  What does that mean and how does that apply to me?  At that point in time, I didn’t or wouldn’t or even couldn’t admit that it did apply to me.  I didn’t know what sexual addiction was or if I even believed in it.

When I went to my first meeting, I was only going to satisfy my wife and her counselor. I certainly did not believe I belonged in that meeting.  I hadn’t admitted to anyone that I had more than one acting out partner. I hadn’t admitted to myself I had a problem. This stuff didn’t apply to me. Sexual addiction is a term people use to try and excuse their affairs or using porn or to try and get out of sex related crimes.  I wasn’t that.  Those guys needed help!

Eight months later, here I was again. At a Castimonia meeting, trying to satisfy my wife and her counselor and mine, hoping to keep my marriage from ending.  Sitting in there again, knowing what to expect, but listening closely this time.

Different guys in the group read different parts, obviously there is a structure to this. The facilitator went through the rules and then someone read “Our Problem.”  One thing really sticks with me from this reading………”Many of us found we were powerless and unable to control our behaviors.”  Does that apply to me?  Am I really powerless?  After the first time I was found out, I swore I wouldn’t do it again.  God took that away from me, I was baptized again, and I knew that He could help me have a great marriage with my wife.  I know I had confessed to my counselor, but my wife really didn’t have to know everything.  I had taken a polygraph before for an employer and lied on that and didn’t get caught.  I could do the same at whatever “disclosure” was.  After all, I was doing this for her.  I know I can’t hurt her with all of my issues.

Then we got to an explanation of “How it Works.” This reading covered how a 12 step program of recovery worked and why it was structured this way.  “Half measures availed us nothing”  That’s what they said.  No half measures.  Dang.  That stung.  That was me.  Nothing but half measures.  That’s how I had been approaching my marriage, my relationship with God, my relationship with my kids.  Half measures.  I didn’t know that term before.  Now, I was finding that it fit me.  I had lived in nothing but half measures.

The sharing portion wasn’t what I expected. I expected excuses, guys trying to justify their actions, to blame their wives or their jobs or stress for their issues.  Exactly what I was doing……..blaming and not really looking inward.  It was the opposite.  From the reading to the sharing, this was all about men taking responsibility and looking for healing and talking about their struggles.  This terrified me.  I couldn’t do this.  I couldn’t face this. I couldn’t be rigorously honest. And then I heard myself say…..

“Hi, I am _________, I’m a Christian and I am struggling with….I am not sure what.”

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 16: Dr. Milton Magness – Stop Sex Addiction

Dr. Milton Magness is a leader in the fight against sex addiction, and he has developed a proven system for couples to find healing. He is the author of “Stop Sex Addiction,” and he is a known world-wide as a champion for the recovery process.

In this podcast, he discusses his approach as well as the healing that is possible from true recovery. He discusses the resources that are available at his website www.hopeandfreedom.com as well his upcoming book with co-author Marsha Means.  (www.acircleofjoy.com)

He is candid and passionate about the process of men taking ownership in their recovery, and he is dedicated to providing practical tools for men to use.

He discussed the 3 day couples’ intensive, and the toolkit that he has for couples as well. That kit can be found at www.couplesrecoverykit.com. 

If you are not in the Houston area, there are other Magness-trained CSATs spread throughout the country that are available, and they can be found at www.findachfp.com

For more information on the podcast or to get help, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.

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New Castimonia meeting in Searcy, ARKANSAS!

I am humbled to announce that we will officially be starting a new Castimonia meeting on Tuesday nights in Searcy, Arkansas on September 13th.  This is our first meeting outside of the state of Texas!  This is exactly how God’s ministry should grow.  A member that attended in Katy was brave enough to take it to his location in Arkansas answering, “Lord send me!”  I am very grateful for this man’s bravery and for his faithfulness to the Lord through the toughest time of his life.

Location information is written below.

Beginning September 13th
Tuesday Nights
7:00PM – 8:30PM
New Life Church
2923 Hawkins Drive
Searcy, AR 72143

Praise be to God, the father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for all He has done to grow His ministry!

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Powerlessness & Unmanageability

This guy needs a Castimonia meeting.

Unmanageability

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And the bottom dropped out…

Originally posted at: http://p0rnaddictswife.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/and-the-bottom-dropped-out/
by p0rnaddictswife

It is bad, really bad. Maybe the worst I have yet had to deal with. The shock and disbelief of his revelation on Thursday night is still coursing through my body and mind. He has been in full blown relapse for 2 months – this time it includes groping a woman while we were on vacation and shortly thereafter getting caught acting out at work (some form of porn) and receiving a warning. So many lies, soo many. At a time when I thought we were really working on being open and honest and vulnerable.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I can’t believe that I was a fool again, taken advantage of again. I have such incredible anger, at myself for being played, at him for thinking that he could treat me this way. Sometimes I want to hurl things at his head. I almost carried through with it the other night but what stopped me was it was one of my favorite glasses and if I missed him, I would shatter a huge window that would cost several thousands of dollars to replace. Right now I would like to slam him up against a wall by his throat. The urge for physical violence is so strong that my ears are humming and my hands are numb.

I will be doing normal things and be in the present and I will get hit with the gravity and depth of what he has done and forget everything – what I am doing, where I am, who I am. I can’t seem to figure out how I am going through this again. What weak, f-ed up, scared part of me stays despite the devastation and knowing it will come again? How pathetic I must be, I must seem to him. He has the audacity to talk to me about taking a trip to NY between Christmas and New Years because there is an art show he wants to see. I don’t know if I can spend time with him in any social situation without worrying that he will touch some woman or flirt with someone or oogle them. I don’t f-ing need that.

I feel like so much has been taken from me. Innocuous things: the library – he acted out on the computers there many many times, bookstores – really anywhere that sells magazines, television – I can’t watch women’s tennis or volleyball or softball; those are acting out fodder for him, these are just some of them. And what do I get in return? Love? It doesn’t seem like enough. My therapist asked me why I stay. Is it money, or fear, or what is it. I don’t think I have a solid answer, but money, fear of being alone, wanting to “save” him are all components.

Travel was always a refuge for us because we could get away from the day-to-day and the addiction and the chaos and be with each other. Even in some of the hardest times, we travelled so well together. It helped us reset, even if only for a few days. It gave me a chance to see what I loved and why I wanted to be with him. It is gone now. A situation happened when we were in New Orleans (one of my very favorite places, now bittersweet) and he jeopardized not only his safety but mine and a friends’. The woman he grabbed had a very angry boyfriend and came after him. Our friend and I put ourselves in the way to talk this guy down because I could not fathom that my husband had done this. It was so completely out of character that it was impossible. Many drinks had been consumed but I have seen him incredibly f-ed up and this had never happened. He denied and denied that anything had happened. He said he had no idea what was going on. And I believed it even though I had a niggling suspicion, especially after his friend texted him that karma is a bitch and that we have young daughters. So in his revelation on Thursday about getting caught acting out at work, I asked if he had groped the woman in New Orleans, and he said yes, he forgot to tell me that. This is currently the hardest thing I am trying to process. That he would so blatantly disregard me, my safety, our friends safety.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty lost and checked out. I am trying to make plans that will keep me out of the house as much as possible. He is not sleeping in bed with me, nor can I foresee that coming. It is time for boundaries and I can’t even process that yet. I am going to try some recovery literature and reread what I had in place before.