CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Should a Pastor be Fired if He’s Viewing Porn?

Ask adult Christians what should be done if their pastor is using pornography, and 41% say “He/she should be fired or asked to resign.”* Another 29% say the pastor should take a leave of absence until he/she stops using porn.  Those over 50 years of age were more adamant about that—47% of age 51-69 and 57% of age 70+ were ready to can the pastor.  But only 35% of age 25-30 and 27% of age 31-50 felt that way.

Wow! If that were the case, a lot of pastors would be out of a job! More than half (57%) of pastors say they are either currently struggling (14%) or have struggled in the past (43%) with pornography, and 33% of the ones currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

Among youth pastors, the numbers are higher: 64% say they are struggling (21%) or have struggled in the past (43%).  A whopping 56% of those currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

It is not surprising that pastors think a little differently than the 41% of lay people who say pastors should be fired.  Only 8% of pastors think that a pastor “should be fired or asked to resign” if found using porn.

And it is even less surprising to find out that 55% of those using porn “live in constant fear of being discovered.”  No kidding! I know of many pastors who, upon being discovered, lose their careers, their families, their homes, their friends, everything.  Some have even ended their own lives as a result of being discovered.

What solutions do pastors suggest?

  • 82% said they should find a professional counselor.
  • 59% said they should find “a group of mature Christians who can hold him accountable.”
  • Only 1% of the pastors said that the congregation should be told.

But congregations are  unaware of the scope of the problem.  Awareness precedes understanding, and understanding precedes action. Once the people understand how addictive porn is and recognize that pastors are as prone to the sin as anyone else, they can take action.

If there is no problem among your pastors, that’s great!  But as the pastors themselves say, accountability is the best preventive medicine.  How devastating it would be to coast along, thinking there will be no problem, only to find out you need to rehabilitate or replace a key staff person.  How disrupting to the ministry, how costly for the counseling, how humiliating for the staff—all of which could be headed off by installing Covenant Eyes on all of the staff computers to maintain accountability and have open and transparent conversations.

It would be like the Black Plague on the church if all of the struggling pastors had to resign.  I believe they need help, not banishment.  I also believe we need to educate the church that porn is a pervasive problem, and pastors are human, too.  If we force pastors to live in constant fear, we force them to NOT seek help, the very help they know is needed.

The majority of those who struggle know what must be done–they need professional counseling along with accountability partners.  But they aren’t going to seek that help if they can’t admit they struggle, and they can’t admit they struggle if they know they’re out the door the next minute.  We need to meet them at the foot of the cross, where Christ took on the burden of our sins, as well as those of our pastors.

Send your pastor to the Set Free Summit, and have him bring a copy of this article to the Covenant Eyes booth for a free year’s subscription of Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability for you or your pastor.

*All data in this article are from The Porn Phenomenon, a 2016 study by the Barna Group. Get the full results at the Summit.

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Don’t Take Ownership For Your Mate’s Life

Galatians 6:2-5 – “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.”

When you marry someone, you take on the burden of loving your spouse deeply and caring for him or her as for no other. You care about how you affect your spouse; you care about your spouse’s welfare and feelings. If one spouse feels no sense of responsibility to the other, this spouse is, in effect, trying to live married life as a single person. On the other hand, you can’t cross the line of responsibility. You need to avoid taking ownership for your mate’s life.

The law of responsibility in marriage is this: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other. The Bible teaches it this way in Galatians 6:2-5: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” and “each one should carry his own load.” The word burden indicates a backbreaking boulder, such as a financial, health, or emotional crisis.

Spouses actively support each other when one is carrying an overwhelming burden. The term load, however, indicates one’s daily responsibilities of life. This includes one’s feelings, attitudes, values, and handling of life’s everyday difficulties. Spouses may help each other out with loads, but ultimately, each person must take care of his own daily responsibilities.

Two extremes occur in marriage when the law of responsibility is not obeyed. On the one hand, a husband will neglect his responsibility to love his wife. He may become selfish, inconsiderate, or hurtful. He will not consider how his actions affect and influence his mate. This is being irresponsible to a spouse.

On the other hand, a husband may take on responsibility his wife should be bearing. For example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel responsible for her happiness. Perhaps he feels that he isn’t making enough money, showing enough interest in her activities, or helping enough around the house. So he tries and tries to make an unhappy person happy. This is an impossible project. While a husband should be sympathetic toward his unhappy wife and take responsibility for his own hurtful behavior, he shouldn’t take responsibility for her feelings. They are hers, and she must handle them herself.

Couples have a duty to set limits on each spouse’s destructive acts or attitudes. For example, if a husband has a gambling problem, his wife needs to set appropriate limits, such as canceling his credit cards, separating their joint accounts, or insisting that he get professional help, to force him to take responsibility for his problem. The law of responsibility in marriage means that spouses refuse to rescue or enable the sinful or immature behavior of their partners.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Marriage, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 47: Friendship is a Gift

My wife has mentioned many times throughout the last year of my recovery that she likes that I have friends. Yeah, me too. Only she meant real friends. Not acquaintances. Not people I say hello to, how is it going, what’s up (sup for you millennials), or how’s work? No, she means David and Jonathan type of friends. Funny how God keeps improving my constant contact with Him. See, I was in Bible study not long ago and the lesson was on, yep you guessed it, friendship. What real friendship means. Not what I thought it was or meant.

So as many of you know, Bible studies are required to have five main points. Or that is how it seems to me. Sermons have three main points, Bible studies have five main points. I think that is a law. Somewhere in Malachi or Amos I think. Anyway, this Bible study had five main points. Stay with me, they were good ones.

The entire focus of this Bible study was about the friendship between David and Jonathan. Yep, that David. The adulterer, murderer, man after God’s own heart. And Jonathan, basically the rightful heir to the throne who was being usurped by David and who loved him more than he loved the idea of being a king. 1 Samuel 23 outlines their friendship, again focusing on five main points of how Jonathan and David demonstrated friendship. Basically, you demonstrate your friendship through:

  • Presence – a Biblical friend shows up, even when it isn’t convenient
  • Prayers – you pray for your friends; not that lip service stuff, real prayer where you lift up your friend and their needs to your Father
  • Protection – you step up for your friends, even if it involves sacrifice or risk to you; especially when they can’t protect themselves
  • Personal loyalty – friends mess up, sometimes badly; Biblical friends have “fierce allegiance” especially when they stumble
  • Promise – friends seal friendship with loyalty, with a promise to be a friend; that means always

After I entered recovery, let me be clear – after I was found out to have lied to everyone around me, I had to tell a friend that I had kept a whole part of myself from him. This was someone I had spent almost every Saturday morning with on long runs for the past 6 years. I had to tell him that I hadn’t been completely open with him, that I had kept things from him, that I had purposefully lied to him to make myself look better and to protect myself and my sin from being found out. So really all those five points above, I had kept none of them.

I didn’t know how he would react. I feared he would not want to be my friend. Ok, I knew that he wouldn’t just walk away. I knew he was too much of a Biblical friend to do that. I expected that he would agree to be my accountability partner and he would help me to stay accountable and transparent and honest. I expected him to be my friend. I didn’t expect that he would let me be his friend as well. See, he didn’t cut himself off from me. He didn’t keep things from me or not trust me with his struggles or issues or stumbles. He let me practice and learn to be a Biblical friend to him. That gift has been huge.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 46: Me and God

If you have been reading my posts, you are aware that I am an expert at working each one of the steps. For those of you that haven’t been reading my posts, shame on you and I am practicing sarcasm. I am most definitely not an expert at working the steps. I think I know what to expect and find that I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Also, if you have or haven’t read my stuff, I am convinced that my sponsor is a sadist. Or more likely, he really enjoys watching me squirm. I am sure in a good, productive, healthy way. But he most assuredly finds continual amusement in watching me struggle with my flaws. Honestly, I think he just enjoys watching God help me identify and name and work on them. That I get.

So, here I am. About 300 days into recovery. I am on step 11. For those of you that don’t know step 11, don’t be lazy. Look it up. Read it. Meditate on it. I am not going to quote it exactly. Its basically about improving my conscious contact with God. Ok, so I am ready for that. I think. I know I want my contact with God to improve. I recognize that His mercy, grace and love are all involved in my recovery and growth. So how do I improve it? Additional prayer? More church? Intensive Bible study? Well…as I mentioned in paragraph one, my sponsor likes watching me squirm. So not exactly.

I will be transparent, I figured this step would be easy. I thought I would just do more. Yeah, you read that right. Do. How has that whole trying to do more myself thing worked out for me to this point? Not so well. So, my sponsor said he was worrying about me doing too much. And that to improve my constant contact with God, I needed a process for recovery decisions. Ok, not really sure how this relates? I wasn’t either so bear with me. Basically, my decision making is not good, leaves a lot to be desired, is no bueno, doesn’t have the best track record…ok, I am being kind. My decision making sucks. Example: Several months after going through a detailed listing of all of my sexual sin with my wife in a process called disclosure, I remembered something. Something I hadn’t told her. It had nothing to do with anything specifically related to her. She wasn’t at any risk by not knowing this. However, I was sure that I needed to tell her. So I spoke with my accountability guys, my sponsor, my guys in group…they all asked if I had a screw loose. Why on earth would I tell her something that would hurt her that had no bearing on past actions or future risk. Uhhhhhh…ok, see what I mean? Not great decision making. So, I need help.

So, I worked through a process. How to make recovery decisions. I drew this neat little decision tree diagram. I talked it over with my wife, my counselor, my sponsor, other guys in recovery. I implemented it and started using it. The key steps are:

  • Is it bigger than me
  • What does God say
  • Pray over it for 7 days with my wife
  • What does my circle say (counselor, sponsor, accountability guys)
  • Do I have time

And I use it. I have a process. A process for making sure God is at the center of my decision making. You know, increasing my constant contact with God by including Him in my decisions. After all, He promises work in all things for His good and according to His good purpose. Pretty damn cool.

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Tuesday July 4th Meeting at Cinco Ranch Church of Christ Cancelled

Our host church, Cinco Ranch Church of Christ will be closed in observance of Independence Day on Tuesday, July 4th so we are canceling the Castimonia Tuesday night meeting at this church. The meeting will resume the following Tuesday night at its regular time and location.

For an alternate meeting, please visit the Sugar Land location at the Vineyard Church.

Tuesday Nights
Time: 7:00PM – 8:30PM
Location: Vineyard Church of Sugar Land
Mosaic Room (Ring door bell and enter through FRONT door.  Go to the second floor)
5015 Grove West Boulevard
Stafford, TX  77477
Contact: Troy P. at 713.906.6658 or rphtroy@gmail.com