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How To Resolve Boundary Problems With Family
Genesis 2:24 – “A man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
“You wouldn’t believe how she is with him,” Dan said. “She totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I’m tired of being the ‘second man’ in her life.”
Dan wasn’t talking about Jane’s lover. He was talking about her father. Dan was tired of feeling like Jane cared more about her father’s wishes than his.
This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with family: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. He feels as if his mate’s real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving” process; she has a boundary problem. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24). The Hebrew word for “leave” comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage.
This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with family, and the spouse and children get leftovers. Establishing boundaries with family is a tough task, but one with great reward. It is a process with distinguishable steps:
1. Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict
You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God, those who are now your true “mother, father, brothers, and sisters,” those who do God’s will and can love you the way he designed.
2. Practice Boundary Skills
Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries. When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy.
3. Say No to the Bad
In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.
When you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can’t reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools. Be careful to not get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong.
Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.
Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast Episode #07
Disclosure is the worst best day of my life. I know it is the worst day of my wife’s life. I can’t believe this is actually the right thing to do.
Journal Through Recovery Entry 29: God Remove My Flaws
I am a 12 stepping machine. I am ready for step 7. I humbly (can’t you just sense my humility) ask God to remove all my shortcomings. Working with my sponsor, I wrote out a prayer, listing each of my defects of character. I am ready to turn them over. I have done a searching and fearless moral inventory and have identified all of them! I rock!
My wife and I took a walk around the lake tonight. I couldn’t wait to tell her what happened at work! I had been notified of a possible promotion opportunity. We would get to move, to start fresh, with a new and larger role for me. Sounds like an incredible idea, right? She would agree this was brilliant thinking on my part.
Not so much. She asked me if I were really that clueless. Did I want to jeopardize my recovery by losing my entire support system? Did I want to uproot our kids after the turmoil of the last year? Uhmmmm…no I think? Did I not remember that she had just gotten a job she liked and was building security for herself in case I went back to what I was? Ok, obviously that part slipped my mind. She told me that maybe I should really pray about it and see if this was God working or the same old me. Ouch.
God, we have to have a talk. I thought these character defects were gone? I identified all of them. Doesn’t that mean they no longer have power over me? I guess I missed one. Or a lot. Or is that really how this works?
So back to that humble word. I actually took this to God. I searched out His Word and went back to this verse also listed in the Castimonia book for Step 7. I think its apt.
If we exalt ourselves, He will humble us, if we remain humble, He will exalt us. – Luke 18:9-14
A few weeks ago, my counselor told me he thought I still had pride. He didn’t exactly know were, but he just felt like it was there. I really didn’t think he was right. I knew I had identified all my shortcomings and I was where I needed to be. Only, that isn’t really how it works.
The pride was still there, and God decided that was the right time to remind me. He used my wife to illuminate it for me. See, this was a pattern for me. A long standing character defect. In my life, I have constantly looked for other jobs, no matter what my job status. I have told myself and others that I was just being pragmatic. I was trying to stay a step ahead and not get surprised if my job was made redundant, or if someone decided I didn’t belong anymore. Only…that wasn’t it. I was looking for affirmation. I wanted to hear that I was wanted, needed, valued. Instead of going to the one who could fill that desire, I followed my own selfish, prideful path. I could find value in what I did and so could others. I had my self worth and my identity tied to what I did, not to whom I belonged.
I was exalting myself, and He did exactly what He said He would do. He humbled me. Thank you Lord, for reminding me of that defect of character. Pride is one of my character defects. Thankfully, I know.
Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 43: Interview With Tony Ingrassia – Power of Purity
Tony is the founder of the “Power of Purity” ministries, and he is a fellow podcaster in the fight for sexual purity. This conversation highlights his story and the work that God has done in his life, ministry, and marriage.
He talks about practical approaches to recovery and marriage. He gives a “real” and straight take on fighting for sexual purity and keeping the “holy vow” of marriages.
For more information on his podcast, conferences, books, and ministry, please visit the powerofpurity.org.
Please email us directly for more information at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information. We would love to hear from you. Remember that you are not walking this road of recovery alone!
