CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 45: Known

I have written several times about intimacy. I believe that this is probably the most important part of my understanding of why. When I say why I mean why I ended up where I did. Why I ended up deceiving my wife and family, searching to fill a never ending need that wouldn’t go away and that I couldn’t control. Keeping separate the parts of my life and actions that I didn’t want to and couldn’t face. Why did it take something catastrophic for me to see that God didn’t design me this way? Why did it take the very real possibility of losing my wife, my children, my life? And what do I do with it? What benefit has this given me? Doesn’t God cause everything to work for the good of those who love Him according to His purpose (roughly Romans 8:28)?

I was in Bible study a few weeks ago. The lesson was on Peter. Peter, I get. Peter was up. Peter was down. Peter was humiliated by his own failures multiple times and still made mistakes over and over. Yep, I really get Peter. So this study was talking about how Peter was transformed to be able to transform others. Ok, I am listening. How did that work?

So first, Jesus changed his name from Simon to Peter. He specifically stated in front of everyone that his name was now Peter, the rock on which He would build His church. This was the proclamation of who Peter was to be. Only he wasn’t that guy yet. He had to be ready. And he wasn’t. See, Peter didn’t know who he was yet. He didn’t know that he was broken and flawed and that Jesus wanted that part of him, too. He had to know that. And he didn’t yet.

So, Jesus proclaimed that he was Peter but he kept calling him Simon after this proclamation. Because..,he wasn’t Peter yet. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t know. Jesus called him Peter again…He proclaimed he was the rock…when He told him that he would deny Him three times. That’s when he was the rock. The foundation of the church. When he was broken. When he finally knew that he was broken. When he finally hit the very bottom, that’s when Peter was ready. That’s when he knew who he was.

That’s what it took for me to know. To know who I am. To start resembling the description of broken people instead of proud people. Surrendered to God instead of self sufficient. Grateful for what I have instead of thinking on what I deserve. Giving and self denying instead of selfish and demanding. Thankful to be used by God instead of focused on what I have done for God and wanting recognition for it. Easy to correct instead of defensive when criticized. I had to find out who I was. I had to know.

Now that I know, I can be known. I can be known by God and by others. I will not forget the past or wish to shut the door on it. That means knowing my own brokenness and allowing others to know it. So God can use me and build something. Something that is for His glory. Not mine.

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Stay Alert In Your Fight For Sexual Purity …

… for the enemy flies around like a rogue soccer ball looking to strike!

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Why Set Boundaries With Bad People

1 Corinthians 5:10-11 – ““You must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or a sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler.””

Is it really necessary to set boundaries with “bad” people? Why draw the line if we’re their only hope to help them repent or change their ways? In 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, the Apostle Paul answers this perplexing question:

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or a sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.

The Bible contains admonitions for us to separate ourselves from fellow Christians who act in destructive ways (see Matthew 18:15 – 17; 1 Corinthians 5:9 – 13). If we do this, we are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.

We really can’t set limits “on” others — in that we cannot control them. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave correctly.

Our model is God. He does not set limits on people to force them to behave. God sets standards for people to follow, but people have the freedom to obey or disobey. If they choose to disobey, God allows them to suffer the consequences, but as we see in this passage, God does not give up on those who have failed. Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

Our model is God. He does not set limits on people to force them to behave. God sets standards for people to follow, but people have the freedom to obey or disobey. If they choose to disobey, God allows them to suffer the consequences, but as we see in this passage, God does not give up on those who have failed. Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud

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Chris Rock’s Porn Addiction Story

Originally posted at: fightthenewdrug.org

Comedian Chris Rock recently joined with other celebrities in speaking out on the life-changing harmful effects of pornography.

Rock recently divorced from his wife of 16 years, and in his recent popular standup show comedy tour “Total Blackout,” he cited porn as a big reason why. Recording wasn’t allowed at the show, but accounts from the show confirm that Rock talked about being “addicted” to porn, cheating on his wife several times while he was on tour, being 15 minutes late to everything because of his porn addiction, being unable to look people in the eye, and failing to notice normal social cues.

With counseling, he was able to overcome his addiction, but it came at a serious price—the end of a marriage that had lasted nearly two decades.

Porn’s Harms Are No Joke

Now, we know that Chris Rock is a comedian—his business is to tell jokes, to make us laugh about uncomfortable things. But that shouldn’t take away the impact of what he says, though. While we don’t know the details of his struggle or of his personal life, Rock was bold enough to lay his experiences out for all to see, and though he might not have said that porn was the reason his marriage ended, he made it clear that it was a contributing factor. And his situation would be in good company, seeing as pornography can double a marriage’s chances for ending in divorce.

We know that porn damages relationships, sometimes beyond repair. The evidence is overwhelming—just read this personal account about watching porn together, or this woman’s experience with her husband’s disinterest in sex, or this story about feelings of betrayal as a result of porn use in the relationship. The addictive nature of porn can physically change your brain, making it desire more extreme content to achieve ever-diminishing amounts of pleasure. This can lead to an increase in real-life violent and extreme acts, or to the things Rock talked about in his show—apathy, neglect, and lack of commitment.

How Relationships Suffer

They’re not physical violence, but these porn-fueled behaviors can be just as damaging to people and relationships—if you need more proof, read about how actor Terry Crews saved his marriage after years of struggle with porn, but just barely. When porn negatively affects a relationship, it’s not just a personal hobby anymore. Two people are now feeling the effects, and the fact is, porn is like a wedge that can slowly drive a relationship apart. It might not even be noticeable while it’s happening, but it can become obvious, and at that point it might be passed the point of reconciliation.

“My wife was literally like, ‘I don’t know you anymore, I’m out of here,’” said Crews of his porn addicted past.

Like Rock, Crews was only able to overcome his addiction through therapy. The difference, of course, is that Crews was able to save his marriage before it was too late, a good reminder that seeking help is a much better alternative to being ashamed and waiting until it’s too late to save a relationship.

This Growing Movement

The understanding that porn isn’t harmless personal entertainment is growing in our culture. States, organizations, and individuals are becoming more and more aware of the harmful social, mental, and physical effects of pornography, and it’s becoming more and more common to see new stories of public figures adding their two cents to the ever-expanding “Hey, maybe porn is actually a real problem” piggy bank.

These testimonials aren’t always coming from the most traditional sources, either, which just goes to show that porn negatively affects a broad cross section of people—just take a look at this short list ofcelebrities who have recently spoken out against porn. Add their names to the list of states like Utah, South Dakota, Virginia, Tennessee, and Arkansas that have declared porn a “public health crisis,” and you’ll see that this movement of education and awareness is growing every day.

We applaud Chris Rock for speaking out on porn’s effect on his life, and we hope that his experience would be a wake-up call to others who might be struggling with the same thing.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 44: Am I? Do I?

Ps 103:11-12 – For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;  as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. ESV

Today. That’s my timeline. It used to be much more long term. How do I plan for and control what happens tomorrow or a week from now or next year. How do I make sure what I want to happen happens in the future. I don’t. Not really anymore. The realization for me is to focus on today. And follow the serenity prayer. To accept the things I can’t change. The courage to act and to change the things I can. Hopefully, also the wisdom to know the difference. So that’s how I focus on each day. God, let me accept that you are in control of today, tomorrow, next week and next year. Allow me to focus on what I can change. That is my actions today.

This led me to something else. Something that I recently wrote about. I wrote that I was wrong. Also that I am wrong. I am realizing and understanding that isn’t exactly true. I wasn’t wrong. I did wrong. I am not wrong. I do wrong. Sounds like a technicality but hear me out.

This goes back to a previous discussion about shame. In my life before recovery, I had incorporated into my life that I was wrong. That I was bad. That I was sin. Through reading, through counseling, through groups I have come to understand the difference. I am not wrong or bad or sin. I did wrong, I did bad, I acted in sin. Incorporating that I am bad or wrong into my identity is against what God intends and is what kept me in that cycle of sin. You know it as shame. And its so pervasive that I have slipped back into that way of thinking subtly.

I didn’t see it. I didn’t see that I had shifted in my thinking in how I was thinking about and classifying my past. Understandably, my wife struggles seeing the good in our marriage before I entered this time I call recovery. Without recognizing it, I started doing the same. Not seeing that it wasn’t black and white: before and after recovery. I had started thinking of my life as what came before recovery and where I am now. I realize now the danger in that.

The time before I entered recovery was just that; it was the time before I entered recovery. It wasn’t that I all of a sudden transformed from “bad” to “good.” Without realizing it, that is how I started classifying my life. Only…that isn’t right. I wasn’t “bad” and I am not all of a sudden “good.” I am broken. Then and now. Only, now I fully realize that I am broken.

I was talking with a friend recently who is also in recovery. I guess the better way to say it is my friend also realizes his own brokenness. I like the way he put it. He said that he used to be able to compartmentalize his life. He would put away the parts he didn’t want to think about or deal with in their separate boxes and he would just not think about them or address them. But they were still there. Now, all those compartments are broken. All the parts of his life are there. That resonates with me. The awareness. I am aware of my flaws, my faults, the damage I have caused. I no longer hide that away in boxes. All my boxes are open.

Am I bad? Am I good? I am broken. Do I do bad things? Do I do good things? I do. Thankfully I am aware of all of them. They are part of in my brokenness who I am. So I address them. I don’t compartmentalize them or box them up. I deal with them…a day at a time.