I have written several times about intimacy. I believe that this is probably the most important part of my understanding of why. When I say why I mean why I ended up where I did. Why I ended up deceiving my wife and family, searching to fill a never ending need that wouldn’t go away and that I couldn’t control. Keeping separate the parts of my life and actions that I didn’t want to and couldn’t face. Why did it take something catastrophic for me to see that God didn’t design me this way? Why did it take the very real possibility of losing my wife, my children, my life? And what do I do with it? What benefit has this given me? Doesn’t God cause everything to work for the good of those who love Him according to His purpose (roughly Romans 8:28)?
I was in Bible study a few weeks ago. The lesson was on Peter. Peter, I get. Peter was up. Peter was down. Peter was humiliated by his own failures multiple times and still made mistakes over and over. Yep, I really get Peter. So this study was talking about how Peter was transformed to be able to transform others. Ok, I am listening. How did that work?
So first, Jesus changed his name from Simon to Peter. He specifically stated in front of everyone that his name was now Peter, the rock on which He would build His church. This was the proclamation of who Peter was to be. Only he wasn’t that guy yet. He had to be ready. And he wasn’t. See, Peter didn’t know who he was yet. He didn’t know that he was broken and flawed and that Jesus wanted that part of him, too. He had to know that. And he didn’t yet.
So, Jesus proclaimed that he was Peter but he kept calling him Simon after this proclamation. Because..,he wasn’t Peter yet. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t know. Jesus called him Peter again…He proclaimed he was the rock…when He told him that he would deny Him three times. That’s when he was the rock. The foundation of the church. When he was broken. When he finally knew that he was broken. When he finally hit the very bottom, that’s when Peter was ready. That’s when he knew who he was.
That’s what it took for me to know. To know who I am. To start resembling the description of broken people instead of proud people. Surrendered to God instead of self sufficient. Grateful for what I have instead of thinking on what I deserve. Giving and self denying instead of selfish and demanding. Thankful to be used by God instead of focused on what I have done for God and wanting recognition for it. Easy to correct instead of defensive when criticized. I had to find out who I was. I had to know.
Now that I know, I can be known. I can be known by God and by others. I will not forget the past or wish to shut the door on it. That means knowing my own brokenness and allowing others to know it. So God can use me and build something. Something that is for His glory. Not mine.
