porn star

I am a 12 stepping machine. I am ready for step 7. I humbly (can’t you just sense my humility) ask God to remove all my shortcomings. Working with my sponsor, I wrote out a prayer, listing each of my defects of character. I am ready to turn them over. I have done a searching and fearless moral inventory and have identified all of them! I rock!

My wife and I took a walk around the lake tonight. I couldn’t wait to tell her what happened at work! I had been notified of a possible promotion opportunity. We would get to move, to start fresh, with a new and larger role for me. Sounds like an incredible idea, right? She would agree this was brilliant thinking on my part.

Not so much. She asked me if I were really that clueless. Did I want to jeopardize my recovery by losing my entire support system? Did I want to uproot our kids after the turmoil of the last year? Uhmmmm…no I think? Did I not remember that she had just gotten a job she liked and was building security for herself in case I went back to what I was? Ok, obviously that part slipped my mind. She told me that maybe I should really pray about it and see if this was God working or the same old me. Ouch.

God, we have to have a talk. I thought these character defects were gone? I identified all of them. Doesn’t that mean they no longer have power over me? I guess I missed one. Or a lot. Or is that really how this works?

So back to that humble word. I actually took this to God. I searched out His Word and went back to this verse also listed in the Castimonia book for Step 7. I think its apt.

If we exalt ourselves, He will humble us, if we remain humble, He will exalt us. – Luke 18:9-14

A few weeks ago, my counselor told me he thought I still had pride. He didn’t exactly know were, but he just felt like it was there. I really didn’t think he was right. I knew I had identified all my shortcomings and I was where I needed to be. Only, that isn’t really how it works.

The pride was still there, and God decided that was the right time to remind me. He used my wife to illuminate it for me. See, this was a pattern for me. A long standing character defect. In my life, I have constantly looked for other jobs, no matter what my job status. I have told myself and others that I was just being pragmatic. I was trying to stay a step ahead and not get surprised if my job was made redundant, or if someone decided I didn’t belong anymore. Only…that wasn’t it. I was looking for affirmation. I wanted to hear that I was wanted, needed, valued. Instead of going to the one who could fill that desire, I followed my own selfish, prideful path. I could find value in what I did and so could others. I had my self worth and my identity tied to what I did, not to whom I belonged.

I was exalting myself, and He did exactly what He said He would do. He humbled me. Thank you Lord, for reminding me of that defect of character. Pride is one of my character defects. Thankfully, I know.