CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 16: Yep, I am Insane

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – Step Two

For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose. – Philippians 2:13

Yep, I am insane. I just finished step two. My sponsor and I meet for breakfast every week to check in, catch up, and try to restore me to sanity and stability. So, a few weeks ago, he told me we needed to move forward. To take the next step. To really look at my need to be restored to sanity. So that means I am insane? Evidently so.

He challenged me to make a list of my top ten most insane behaviors while acting out. Ok. That shouldn’t be too difficult. I completed my first step and disclosure so I have a pretty detailed listing of my behaviors. Only, that was really just a summary. A recitation of my life of addiction and acting out. Awesome. That was such fun.

Only this is different. In order to be restored to sanity I need to really face my own insanity. I told my sponsor, ok, I get it. I acted in inappropriate ways. I didn’t think about the consequences or the risk. Well, maybe I did but they didn’t stop me. So yes, I know I was insane. Evidently that isn’t enough.

My sponsor told me I needed to approach step two Biblically by using Psalm 119:9 as the basis:

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. – Psalm 119:9

Using this verse as my guideline, I had to identify three behaviors that best represented insanity in the course of my lifetime of acting out. Just three, huh? I think I could probably come up with more but ok, three it is. My three were that I committed adultery and broke my wedding vows, I lied repeatedly to my wife and family and friends and everyone, and that I exhibited hypocrisy by judging others and claiming to be something I was not – a man of integrity. Ok, damn, that hurt to write and to read. Now I had to take those and look at what the Bible says specifically about each of those by identifying scripture that addresses each.

Matthew 5 recounts the words of Christ in stating that anyone who looks on a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery. I guess those second looks do come with consequences. Wow, I had read those words many times before. I just hadn’t really incorporated them into me. And they fit so well. Ok so that is the first.

There are multiple references in the Bible about honesty. Or in my case, the lack of honesty.  Let’s call it what it is…lying.  As I sought out references for this second insane behavior, 1 Thessalonians 4:6 caught my attention, to say the least. To paraphrase brother Paul, God punishes those who take advantage of others. Wow, that is so harsh.  In my case, so true. I had used falsehoods and lies to take advantage of my wife, my affair partners, my co-workers, my bosses, my company. God punishes those (me) who do that. I understand, God. I get it.

And finally…hypocrisy. I don’t really have to search far to find it. I just turn to Titus 1:16 where Paul uses God’s words to describe hypocrites. He calls my actions detestable and worthless for doing any good. My behavior, my actions, the core of my life…made me detestable and worthless.

I am tired. I am tired of who and what I was. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing all that I am not. God, only you can take this from me. I am insane.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 30: Recovery Clichés

Recovery is known for having a whole host of clichés that are passed around. Many are deep nuggets of wisdom buried inside an easy to remember saying. While some may seem trivial, they often have a deep truth to be explored.

Jorge and Doug discuss many of the clichés found in recovery. Most have roots in AA, but some are specific to those in Sex Addiction recovery.

Let us know if any of these clichés help you at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.

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Don’t Masturbate!

Not Biblically accurate but gets to the heart of the matter.

dont-masturbate

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 14: Emotions

“How is your anxiety level right now? Why don’t we raise it?”

That is what my counselor just told me after 45 minutes of session time. We spent most of the session with innocuous conversation and suggestions. Then he just asked me that question. I said that my anxiety level was low. He stated that was expected now that I was comfortable with the routine and knew what to expect.  Initially in counseling, I would have had a higher score due to heightened anxiety but would now be used to meeting with him.

At the beginning of the session, he said that he would probably try to heighten it soon but not now because I was expecting it. And so the session went on as we talked about the outcome of my recovery versus the process.  We discussed crafting my sobriety statement with my wife and how that should be similar to a mission statement, but one for my life and marriage.  I should make it a couple of concise sentences that I could remember and quote.

We spent several minutes on anger. My wife has anger and I don’t always know how to respond.  My counselor stated that the goal was to let yourself be angry without hurting anyone.  He specifically referenced Ephesians 4 where Paul talks about in your anger to not sin.  My counselor pointed out that God expects us to be angry and that anger is a necessity.  However, don’t sin, don’t “hurt” anyone including yourself in your anger.  Explore it, let it happen, dig into the root and secondly, don’t let the sun go down on your anger, in other words….deal with it.

And then he changed the focus, 45 minutes into a 1 hour session that turned into a 1 hour and 15 minute session. He asked me a simple question:

“How did you respond when your discovery occurred? Where did that drive you? How did you feel?”

I answered that maybe shame? I wasn’t sure.  I couldn’t name how I felt.

“So, where is your anxiety level now?”

I answered that it was high and rising.

“Why is that? So here is what I suspect and have suspected for some time.  Every week you come in here with this jolly front.  You seem and come across in a good mood. I think its a defense.  I think you are depressed.  You told me coming out of your disclosure that tests showed that you were depressed.  I think that is true.  I think you suffer from depression and probably anxiety.  So where is your anxiety level now?”

Through the roof, I said. And I am very uncomfortable.  I had never felt that emotion.  That touch on the base underlying depression that I didn’t know was there.  My wife has pointed out to me that she knew I hid my emotions, that I avoided them.  My counselor said the same thing.  He told me that he thought I didn’t know how to handle them or experience them, that they terrified me and I avoided them.  He suspected that I had difficulty naming my emotions at any time because I constantly avoided them and didn’t experience them.

“So how was that whole situation? How did that experience feel to you, touching your emotion? Did it feel raw?  I suspect it did.”

 Yes, that is exactly what I felt. Raw but more accurately……exposed.  Unprotected.  Vulnerable.  That was the most terrifying 10 minutes I have had in my recent memory, worse than discovery or disclosure.  My anxiety and terror were at a very high point.  Now what do I do with that?

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Happy Halloween!