CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Video – Nefarious: Merchant of Souls (Trailer)

It is my personal opinion that if you are or were involved in prostitution then you were linked to human trafficking and the problems associated with it.  I pray that none of you who read this post and watch this trailer are continuing to visit prostitutes in the United States, or abroad….

The full video can be ordered through the Nefarious website: http://nefariousdocumentary.com/

“Modern slavery.” It sounds like a paradox. Hasn’t humanity progressed? Didn’t we leave slavery dead on the battlefields of the American Civil War? Didn’t social reformers like Lincoln and Wilberforce legislate against such cruelty over a hundred years ago? So we had thought. But, with over 27 million enslaved people in the world, human trafficking is once again the battlefront of the century.

Regardless of nationality, victims are systematically stripped of their identity, battered into gruesome submission, and made to perform humiliating sexual acts on up to 40 strangers every night. Most are held in dingy apartments and brothels, forced to take heavy doses of illegal drugs, and monitored very closely. Victims are often thrown into such ghastly oppression at 13 years old. Some are abducted outright, while others are lured out of poverty, romantically seduced, or sold by their families.

Nefarious, Merchant of Souls, is a hard-hitting documentary that exposes the disturbing trends in modern sex slavery. From the very first scene, Nefarious ushers you into the nightmare of sex slavery that hundreds of thousands experience daily. You’ll see where slaves are sold (often in developed, affluent countries), where they work, and where they are confined. You’ll hear first-hand interviews with real victims and traffickers, along with expert analysis from international humanitarian leaders.

From initial recruitment to victim liberation—and everything in between—the previously veiled underworld of sex slavery is uncovered in the groundbreaking, tell-all Nefarious, Merchant of Souls.

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What I Wish I’d Known Before Watching Porn

Lauren Dubinsky wrote a very powerful article on what she’d wish she’d known before watching porn.  What stood out to me the most was that some, if not all of these items were what I wish I’d known before watching porn.  I have listed her “wish list” below with my comments at the end.

I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.

I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life.

I wish someone would have explained how dopamine, the chemical that is released every time you experience pleasure, drives you to return to what provided that feeling before.

I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.

I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men women, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret and physical pain.

I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men women, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out, to the point where I couldn’t remain focused on anything else.

I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men women and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.

I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others.

I wish someone would have explained what “sexual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.

I wish someone would have told all the men women I’ve dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them me from being turned on by me them, ultimately destroying our relationship.

I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends.

I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a “victim” mentality in my mind, causing me to be even more sensitive than I already was to [making] catcalls, whistles, and even sincere compliments.

I wish someone had talked about how women others watch it too, so I wouldn’t have had to spend years living under the shame that comes with being “the only one” and thinking there was something wrong with me.

My “I wish” list is nowhere near complete, either. In the end, I simply wish someone would have told me why it was so harmful, instead of simply putting it on a list of things we don’t talk about. We all know our rights and wrongs, but seldom do we know what makes them so. Had I known how much it would have harmed me, I would have left it alone.

I have used the strike-through function to change the orientation of the “I wish” list.  For me, Lauren’s incomplete “I wish” list is nearly identical to mine.  There are a lot of things I wish I had known before watching pornography, but in my case, it started at age 4 by finding my father’s pornography – not much that can be done at that age other than not to keep it in the house!

For those parents who think that their children won’t find their secret pornography stash or find it on the computer, I ask you to PLEASE get rid of it ASAP, especially if you have young children.  Chances are, it may be too late, they might already have been exposed and are not telling you.  I hid my secret for over 30 years!

You can read her entire article by following the link below:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-dubinsky/porn-addiction_b_1686481.html

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Step 10 Step Study

 We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12)

In today’s Castimonia meeting we reviewed Step 10 from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding Step 10, one equation is important to me.

Step 10 = (Step 4 + Step 5 + Step 6 + Step 7 + Step 8 + Step 9)

If one understands this, Step 10 becomes much easier to work through.  Why?  Because we’ve already worked Step 10 when we worked through Steps 4 – 9!  However, it is equally important to understand the basis of Step 10.  As is stated in our “How it Works” section, “…we are not perfect as Christ.”  This tells me that there will be days when I don’t work my program or live my life perfectly, and that is OK.  The 10th Step states, “When we were wrong,” not “IF we were wrong.”  This signifies that WE WILL fall short, there is no doubt.  We are humans and only Christ was perfect and I am not He.  The point is, we don’t beat ourselves up because we fall short, we work through our program, take personal inventory, expose those character defects, make amends, and move forward!

“Even with our best efforts we make mistakes.  We are human, and we fall short of the mark regularly, even when we are abstinent from our addictive sexual behavior….. our imperfection is certain, and mistakes are inevitable.  We adopt the attitude of learning from, rather than denying, our mistakes.  Working this step allows us to let go of both perfectionism and grandiosity.  We gradually discover the relief and humility of not having to be perfect.” – SAA Green Book, p. 52 & 55

Well stated by the SAA Green Book.  I really like the thought that I don’t have to be perfect.  That a healthy me does not have to be perfect to be a good person, to be lovable!  The key is, to be able to admit when we are wrong, even at the cost of losing everything in our lives.  To continue to live in rigorous honesty is key to our continued growth in recovery and in maintaining long-term sobriety.  In understanding Step 10, we need to understand that the 12 Steps are “living” and we will continue to work them as long as we remain in recovery.

The true test will be if a person goes through a relapse into addictive sexual behaviors.  I pray that no one ever has to go through this test!  However, in understanding that the steps work and there is continued growth in recovery and in working the steps on a daily basis, one must be courageous enough to follow through with the 10th Step if one has a relapse into addictive sexual behavior.  Yes, they could lose their spouse, their family, their jobs, but it is better to admit when we failed, than to allow the addiction to hold onto us tightly with the chains of secrecy!  We must be courageous enough to trust in God that He is loving and caring and will see us through any of these difficulties.  We must be courageous enough to step back into the light and release any secrets we have held onto after a relapse.  We must be courageous enough to stay in recovery, no matter the cost!

The program works, if you work it.

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I Was a John

The story below was linked from an online news story and copied in its entirety.  I hope this “self-loathing” sex addict has hit rock bottom.  But by the second to last line, it sounds like he is still in denial of a problem….  May God grant him serenity!

It doesn’t pay to be a John. This is my story…

I write this piece as a warning to men in the DC metro area because I don’t want them making the same mistakes I did. In this large metropolitan area of nearly six million souls, you have people with a lot to lose; from your attorneys, business executives, scientists, and government employees, to your staffers that work on the Hill and even in the White House. So getting arrested (I’m not disclosing where I was arrested exactly) and having your reputation ruined is the last thing you want happening. Many of you who are repeat Johns or are thinking of becoming a John for the first time, need to think about that reality. I know it’s not something that really crosses your mind, but rest assured it can happen to you.

Take it from me, your former John. What I’ve done is now public information and is splattered all over the web. If you were to do a web search on my name, my mistake is there for the entire world to see. Sure it’s buried on the third or fourth page of search results, but eventually I’m going to have to answer for what I’ve done to anyone and everyone for the rest of my life. I wear a scarlet letter now.

I suppose I should be thankful. In other cities if you’re arrested for solicitation of prostitution; the police post a picture online along with your name and home address. It’s almost like you’re a sex offender, never mind that what you’ve done is a misdemeanor. They make if feel much worse; like it’s a felony. You’re almost expecting to be stoned to death in a public square.

What would drive any man to seek a prostitute and pay for sex you might ask. Some men are married and see escorts, while others are single. Some men are just lonely like myself. It takes all kinds–Eliot Spitzer, Jerry Springer, Hugh Grant, and David Vitter to name a few of the high profile cases. These are men who had everything, loving wives, great careers, kids, money and power, as opposed to the regular Joes (aka Johns, pun intended) with much less to lose, yet even that is too great a thing to willingly destroy.

As for me, I’m not married. I’m single. Actually I’ve always been single. I’m in my thirties and have never had a girlfriend. I’m not an attractive man. Women have never found me desirable. I was bullied a lot as an adolescent in grade school and this followed me all the way through my teenage years in high school. I wasn’t even safe in my own neighborhood. I was bullied for how I looked and for my ethnicity. I was a minority in a city full of minorities (I’m not originally from the DC metro area by the way). All of these attacks to my young persona destroyed me and the damage seems permanent. Even now, I really have no love for myself when it comes to my appearance. I value my ability to achieve and my intelligence, but other than that I don’t like myself very much. I am a lonely individual and loneliness can drive people to do the ridiculous.

My first sexual experience was with a lady of the night. It happened in my early twenties in the backseat of a friend’s car in the infamous Hunt’s Point section of the Bronx. After that experience it took me almost another decade to seek out paid sexual services again. I eventually came to the realization that I had hit my thirties and was a failure in my personal life. Everyone else I knew was either in a relationship, getting married or having children. This was how things are going to be I thought. I can only be with a woman if I pay for it and this is how things went for quite some time. I was now in the DC metro area & I used Craigslist to find my prospective “providers” until they shut that part of the site down and then I migrated to Backpage. Eros DC is another option but I found it was too expensive.

As I committed these acts, the thought of anything bad happening to me never crossed my mind. You hear about other Johns being arrested in the news, but you never think that you are going to be the one caught one day. Well, I was caught and let me tell you for what I’ve been through I’m never doing it again. I’ve never been in trouble with the law before and I don’t have a record, which is all the more reason why I found my arrest so traumatic.

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I found her on Backpage. She was advertised as the “perfect lover” a “busty Asian lovely doll.” She said she was Japanese. I gave her a call and asked her what her “donation” was. That’s the term you use when speaking to an escort. What you will often hear back is a monetary value followed by the word “roses” after it. In this case her donation was around a hundred “roses.” I then asked her where she was located. Sometimes they’ll ask you if you are a police officer first. Apparently, they think that by law if you’re a police officer you have to say that you are. Somehow, I doubt that.

In this case she did not ask of my “affiliation with any type of law enforcement.” I was given the address of a hotel where I was to meet her. When I was in front of that hotel I called her number again and was given her room number. When I knocked on the door and was let in I saw a woman who was not the woman I was expecting, this sadly is a reality of the escort underworld. She was much older but I went through with it anyway as many Johns often do in these scenarios.

After we were finished I proceeded to strike up a conversation. I learned that she was from China and was here on a visa. She had a husband that was still back in China. She was here to make money in one of the few professions open to someone here on a limited visa I suppose. She was heading back to China in August and this was only June. She was still learning to speak English and I found myself having to write down my sentences on a notepad so she could understand me better. I asked her what her age was and she answered with a question: how old was I? I told her my age and her next answer was that she was around that age too. It is only after we were all arrested and our names released to the public was I able to discern that she was actually much older.

It is at this time that I want to mention that I had actually seen her before. This was our second albeit unexpected meeting. Again, the Backapge advertising was false and I was expecting it to be someone else, but it was her again. As I left her place she gave me her number should I ever want to call on her directly again. Later, when talking to the police I would tell them that she wasn’t paying for the room herself. She was working for someone and would call them when a new John had arrived to confirm. I threw away the paper with her number on it as the police did not take it from me.

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I was leaving the hotel where I had just met my latest “friend” and was trying to justify the cost in my mind as I walked down a busy street bustling with nightlife. I was oblivious to my surroundings and I never saw my judge, jury and executioners coming. They appeared out of nowhere. The next thing I felt was the coldness of the glass window as I was forced up against it and then the tightness of the handcuffs as they were snapped into place on my wrists. It was open season on Mr. John. I was visible to everyone. Had anyone I knew seen me I don’t know what I would’ve done afterward to myself. I thought to myself that I rightfully deserved my fate and I am readily willing to admit it.

They were watching us Johns the whole time. As we went in an out of the rooms. In the end they got a whole bunch of us along with the escorts. It was a reverse prostitution sting without the female officer. They used the escorts that were there as the bait. I honestly should have turned back the minute I saw a police car in the parking lot leaving hurriedly, probably thinking that I spotted them or on their way to bust another John. But I wanted what I wanted and I paid the price. Even now when I walk past that hotel I look to see if they are staking the place out. I sometimes will see a police car parked there waiting for its prey. I then think about the poor fool who is about to be caught. Of course they use unmarked vehicles as well. If you see people standing around in a parking lot in plainclothes that’s them. All of this was being done the night I was caught, they actually didn’t come out of nowhere and I was stupid not to see the signs and know that they’re always watching.

I cooperated fully with the officers and told them everything they wanted to know. They spoke to me about the perils of prostitution. Besides the danger of STD’s (and yes I use protection) and the physical danger that these women are putting themselves into; I could also be robbed. They relayed to me some of the horror stories they’ve been subject to. While I too have read some of these stories online, having a police officer tell it to you in person really wakes you up to the reality.

So I appreciate what the police are doing and I know that I was wrong. All I’m saying is I’ll never do it again–not so long as I’m in a place where it’s illegal. The pain I’ve put myself through is not worth it. Now every time I’m walking and hear a car screech I flinch thinking it’s a cop coming for me.

I suppose I’ll rely on legal adult entertainment media from now on…

Don’t turn into me.

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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.
My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymnore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.