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Feelings for Thursday

The post below was copied from a spouse of a sex addict.  In understanding our own addiction, we must also understand the pain and trauma we have caused our wives.

Feelings for Thursday
Posted by Samantha Baker on September 20, 2012

How I feel about myself looking back over 5 years:

Devalued
Emotionally Violated
Traumatized
Emotionally Abused
Unloved
Used
Could never meet expectations
Never good enough
Abandoned
Criticized
Broken Vows
Lied to
Detached
Betrayed
Disrespected
Vulnerable

My emotions now:

Emotional Pain
Hurt
Anger
Rage
Shame
Guilt
Turmoil
Fear
Numb
Empty
Isolated
Lonely
Confused
Obsessed
Lost
Broken Trust
Heartbroken
Depressed
Stuck
Constantly Triggered
No longer special

How do I feel about the future:

Unsure
Scared
Fear
Cautiously Hopeful
Meaningful
Emotional Intimacy
Honesty
Empathy
Understanding
Trust
Forgiveness
Communication

But the big question is, how to I get to the hope of the future and out of the pain of the now?

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Overexposed and Under-Prepared: The Effects of Early Exposure to Sexual Content

Overexposed and Under-Prepared: The Effects of Early Exposure to Sexual Content
Originally posted by Scott Williams

From Psychology Today:

“Adult Content .. Penn St officials head to cou...Children as young as 8 and 9 are coming across sexually explicit material on the Internet and in other media. Although research is just beginning to assess the potential damage, there is reason to believe that early exposure to sexual content may have the following undesirable effects:

Early Sex. Research has long established that teens who watch movies or listen to music that glamorizes drinking, drug use or violence tend to engage in those behaviors themselves. A 2012 study shows that movies influence teens’ sexual attitudes and behaviors as well. The study, published in Psychological Science, found that the more teens were exposed to sexual content in movies, the earlier they started having sex and the likelier they were to have casual, unprotected sex.

In another study, boys who were exposed to sexually explicit media were three times more likely to engage in oral sex and intercourse two years after exposure than non-exposed boys. Young girls exposed to sexual content in the media were twice as likely to engage in oral sex and one and a half times more likely to have intercourse. Research also shows that teens who listened to music with degrading sexual references were more likely to have sex than those who had less exposure.

High-Risk Sex. The earlier a child is exposed to sexual content and begins having sex, the likelier they are to engage in high-risk sex. Research shows that children who have sex by age 13 are more likely to have multiple sexual partners, engage in frequent intercourse, have unprotected sex and use drugs or alcohol before sex. In a study by researcher Dr. Jennings Bryant, more than 66 percent of boys and 40 percent of girls reported wanting to try some of the sexual behaviors they saw in the media (and by high school, many had done so), which increases the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

Sex, Love and Relationship Addictions. Not every child who is exposed to sexual content will struggle with a mental health disorder, but research shows that early exposure to pornography is a risk factor for sex addictions and other intimacy disorders. In one study of 932 sex addicts, 90 percent of men and 77 percent of women reported that pornography was a factor in their addiction. With the widespread availability of explicit material on the Internet, these problems are becoming more prevalent and are surfacing at younger ages.

Sexual Violence. According to some studies, early exposure (by age 14) to pornography and other explicit material may increase the risk of a child becoming a victim of sexual violence or acting out sexually against another child. For some people, habitual use of pornography may prompt a desire for more violent or deviant material, including depictions of rape, torture or humiliation. If people seek to act out what they see, they may be more likely to commit sexual assault, rape or child molestation.

Preserving Our Children’s Youth

Early exposure to sexual content in the media may have a profound impact on children’s values, attitudes and behaviors toward sex and relationships.”

Related articles

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Separation Anxiety

 (This post comes from Anonymous.)

Sexual abuse began so early in my life that I missed the chance to become my own person in the way that I should have at an early age. My initial identity was formed as someone who existed to bring another a sick pleasure.

The secret use of my body to satisfy someone older and bigger was the first place that I felt valued as a human being and that identity stuck to me like hot glue. Fortunately for me, I have come to know that that was only a false identity and not the real me.

Babies and small children often suffer through what we know as separation anxiety. Having been so close to the mother in the womb and at the breast results in fear and anxiety when infants experience separation. I have experienced a different form of separation anxiety as I have faced the reality that the early identity formed in me was the wrong one. Or worse, that it was forced on me by my abusers. I became an object and not a human to them and then to myself.

My abuse stretched out over many years, and I was acting it out in multiple sexual relationships primarily as the sex-slave of others. I lived to pleasure others and took that role because it was the only thing I knew. I was the powerless one and the partner always the strong one. It was sheer hell in so many ways, even though I thought I wanted this. I didn’t know that I was living out the wrong identity for many years after the abuse. Eventually, truth broke through.

I’ve spent many years untangling the effects of abuse. I’ve made great strides in separating myself from the false identity forced on me and in developing the real me, the man who has power over my own mind and body. This causes anxiety at times when I seem to fall back into old patterns of thinking. Like a baby, I don’t know who I am apart from the abuse that “mothered” me in many ways. But with each day I find that I won’t die becoming the real me.

I will live and I will live well.

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The Addiction VS. Your Confession

The Addiction VS. Your Confession
Originally Posted by SemperFi2Christ

If you’re plugged into the Word then you know the power of the tongue. Just want to remind you that you can use the Sword of The Spirit, the Word of God, to defeat pornography and masturbation! Yes, it is true. Speak over yourself first thing in the morning.

“Today, I am free from all addictions, temptations, and lusts, the Holy Spirit, my friend and comforter, is working overtime to show me the way out. He leads me by the still waters. I am an overcomer of the Devil through Christ Jesus and I lash out against condemnation with the power of His Blood. I am SAVED, and I know that sin is not applied to me. I am not under the law, so I need not sacrifice anything to God, but claim the righteousness bought by Jesus. Thank you God for sending your son. Amen”

You don’t have to say it verbatim, but I encourage you to speak something, OUT LOUD, over yourself so that it starts to permeate your thinking. Remember, BELIEVE what you say. Believe God.

God bless brothers and sisters

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Why Boys Do Not Tell About Sexual Abuse

Why Boys Do Not Tell About Sexual Abuse
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Created Jun 12 2012 – 3:14pm

The dark cloud over PennState revealing a sexual abuse Penn Statescandal also holds a painful overcast shade for male victims of sexual abuse. The news of the cover-up and victimization of boys at this prestigious university has understandably caused a flurry of confusion, surprise, and concern for parents, educators, football fans, and all who care about children. Having worked in the sexual abuse treatment field for three decades, I’ve seen the difficulty for boys and men in reporting sexual abuse. Why is this so? Cover-ups, denial, and internalizing feelings seem to dominate rather than vulnerable exposure of abusive acts perpetrated on male victims. In general, people don’t like to believe these things happen. It is difficult to understand that adults can be sexually attracted to children. For most healthy individuals, this concept does not compute.

But, let’s take a look at why it is particularly difficult for males to report sexual abuse when it involves them. We know from studies done on sex offenders in prisons, that boys and girls are sexually abused at alarmingly high rates and most are shocked by the statistics. It is also well documented that sexual abuse of boys is underreported. Why?

It is difficult for any child to report sexual abuse because they feel guilty, they may have received threats from the offender, they fear they won’t be believed, and they don’t want to cause family problems. But for male victims, there are additional barriers to disclosure:

1. In our culture, boys are socialized not to be victims. “If I am a victim, can I then also be a man?” Big boys fight back and are not supposed to be victims or it somehow obliterates their identity of “manhood.”

2. Guys are expected still, to tough things out and not ask for help. Fewer men, for example, seek therapeutic treatment and many are still adverse to this concept unless dragged to therapy by their families or spouses. Family therapist, Terry Real, wrote eloquently about this issue in his much-needed book about male depression titled: I Don’t Want To Talk About It. Asking for help is still seen by many males in our culture as a sign of weakness.

3. It’s likely an understatement that our society is still somewhat homophobic? It’s getting better, but we have seen much in the current news about this issue still rearing its ugly head in military circles, same sex marriages, and legislative changes and discussions. So, for a young boy who is molested by a male offender, the issue of sexual identity comes into play. We see young males in therapy asking the question frequently: “If I am abused by a male and I am also male, does that mean I am gay?” Little children, ages 8-10, ask this question frequently in therapy, and teen male victims often just choose to suffer in silence because of this fear. “Will my peer group label me as gay if I tell?”

4. When young boys are touched in the genital area, they can have an erection. It is visible to them, different from female victims. The touching can feel good to both boys and girls and then cause great confusion. “Did I want this?” “If it feels good, is it my fault?” “If there is pleasure, I must be the one in the wrong.”

5. When young boys are sexually abused by female offenders, there is another interesting mind assault. If a young male is getting attention sexually from an older woman, he is often seen as lucky. Boys can be experimental with sex and that is often regarded, as “boys will be boys.” And if the offender is the child’s mother, you can only imagine the difficulty in reporting, and the devastation for the child.

6. Often boys report that they don’t view the sexual acts perpetrated on them as that abusive. They minimize or deny the impact to avoid feelings of helplessness or confusion.

So taking these reporting issues for boys and putting them in the context of the male world of football, one can see the great impediment to reporting something as vulnerable as being sexually abused. If I’m a big tough guy…this did not happen to me. It is more typical for young male victims to use coping strategies like becoming aggressive to overcome the feelings of helplessness, or trying to numb the feelings with drugs or alcohol. In many cases they internalize the trauma and become depressed.

In a college football environment, the players are still young, developing men. The coaches, as well as other instructors, play an almost parental-like role with these young people. The power differential is obvious and the effects devastating when the power of the leader is misused in a secretive, abusive, and flawed manner that actually encourages a wall of silence for compliance that results in reward.

The bottom line is that it is up to adults to protect young people and the need for further education for parents and educators in this arena remains a constant call for clarity and direction. While much has been done in prevention and education regarding child sexual abuse, unfortunately there is more to do. We can start with creating emotionally safe environments for males to disclose sexual abuse and let it be known to boys that this can happen to them too. Boys should be taught more realistic roles to emulate other than the classic tough guy.

And finally, let’s not forget that sex offenders are the prime narcissists in this culture. Their lack of empathy is palpable. They are most concerned with getting their own sexual and power needs met and therefore the impact on the victim… is not on their radar.

(Some resources taken from Virginia Child Protection Newsletter, Volume 29, fall 1989)

Additional Resources:

Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252439024&sr=8-1

Audiobook: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/buy-the-book.php

Website: http://www.nevergoodenough.com  and http://www.karylmcbridephd.com

Survey: Is This My Mom? Use this to assess if your parent has narcissistic traits. It is applicable for men as well.  http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/survey.php

Research: Interview You? http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/for-men.php

FB Parties for Adult Children of Narcissists: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride