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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 36B: Working Step 4 – Resentments

Part B – Jorge and Doug discuss the next aspect of working Step 4 in sex addiction recovery.   If you haven’t listened to steps 1-3, it may be a good idea to listen to episode 31 (Step 3), episode 20 (step 2), and episodes 9/10 (step one).  Also part A of step four was released a few days before this episode.

In this podcast, they discuss how to work through resentments. Our childhood, development, and adulthood are full of resentments that we store and ignore.  Jorge and Doug explore the importance of bringing those resentments to light to deal with them.  Expectations that we have placed on others and disappointments have to be dealt with in recovery, so they discuss practical way to do so.

For more information, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.  We would love to hear from you, get more show ideas, or find other testimonies to record!

 

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 21: A Break

I think I have stated that my counselor likes to up my anxiety. He has a talent for doing just that each session. He likes to wait until the last part of the session to do so. Today’s session was no different.

At the end of today’s session, he told me he was bothered by something. I said, OK, what is up? He proceeded to remind me of the marriage intensive with my wife, like I really needed reminding! He pointed out that he had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and he was bothered that my wife and I had been sexually intimate after day two. OK, I really did not expect that. I thought maybe I said something wrong he wanted to point out to me. I figured he had an epiphany about how I became someone who could do what I have done. Nope, that wasn’t it. He didn’t like that I was sexually intimate with my wife during that time. OK, now I am completely confused. Why would that bother him? Isn’t that a good sign that my wife still wants to be with me in an intimate way? That despite the betrayal and lies and manipulation, she still sees the need to build intimacy with me. Only that isn’t the way he sees it.

Of course, he had a nice one page document already printed out for me, titled Intimacy and Leadership Exercise.  Excellent. I don’t like where this is going already. The opening paragraph states that this exercise is for a married couple where the marital vow of monogamy, both sexually and emotionally, has been broken by the actions the husband took, AND where the husband and wife have reengaged sexually prior to at least 90 days after the exposure of the betrayal. OK, I really don’t like where this is going now.

According to my counselor, this is a challenge for the husband and wife to enter a unique period of intimacy together where the emphasis is on leadership and self-discipline. This exercise may be relatively simple to understand, but may be hard to do. OK, if this is what I think it is, that is the understatement of the year.

Yep, its what I thought it was. I am to inform my wife of this exercise and to lead it. This should be a loving, consensual and relationship building exercise. The rules basically are:

  • No sexual intercourse for a minimum of 90 days
  • I can’t see my wife naked
  • No sexual touching of any kind. Brief kissing and minor hugging is allowed (well, thanks for that!)
  • We have to stay in the same bed
  • I am to arrange day 91, a joint sexual experience
  • I am responsible for connecting with my wife in an emotional or intimate way every evening before we go to bed
  • I have to journal about all this daily
  • We start over if we break the rules.

The end of the briefing with my counselor focuses on the purpose of this exercise. There are three characteristics of marriage this is meant to reinforce:

  1. Intimacy doesn’t mean sex
  2. The husband is responsible for servant leadership within the marriage
  3. The wife is responsible for graceful responsiveness of her husband’s leadership role.

Wow. OK, I understand the purpose. I even agree with the purpose. Can we do this in our marriage? I guess we will find out.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 36A: Working Step 4 – Introduction and Character Defects & Assets

Part A – Jorge and Doug discuss the overview of working Step 4 in sex addiction recovery.  If you haven’t listened to steps 1-3, it may be a good idea to listen to episode 31 (Step 3), episode 20 (step 2), and episodes 9/10 (step one).

 In this podcast, they discuss how to not be overwhelmed with such an important step. They discuss how to create an inventory as well as some practical steps to doing the step work.  It is a good idea to have a sponsor in place before beginning this step as guidance is needed. 

They discuss how to make sure to balance the inventory with good qualities and not just character defeats to create a true picture of ourselves.

For more information, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.  We would love to hear from you, get more show ideas, or find other testimonies to record!

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Crack House

Happy Monday!

crack-house

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Codependency Bites

In addition, to distorting our partners, we sometimes provoke them into giving us a certain response. For example, my friend who wanted to go on a weekend getaway recognized that, although her husband prefers to live more spontaneously and not spend too much time on practicalities, she would often insist on talking to him about travel plans, home renovations and financial matters well in advance of when was necessary. She soon realized that she didn’t even care all that much about these things, but something was compelling her to push her husband away by bringing up topics that would distance him from her. By “nagging” at her husband, not only was she preventing more personal and meaningful interactions between them, but she was provoking him to lose interest in certain activities, which then made her feel critical of him. We must always be aware of how we select, provoke and distort our partners to fill roles that recreate our past. The better we understand ourselves, the better able we are to choose partners who support us just as we support them, as the unique, complex, and independent individuals we are. We can then interrupt patterns that would prevent us from “seeing” our partners — misinterpreting their actions to fit an old feeling about ourselves. Lastly, we can then be careful not to provoke our partners to act out in ways that hurt us, them and naturally, the relationship. By remaining wary of these negative influences, we give our relationships the best chance possible of lasting long and making us happy. Dr. Lisa Firestone http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/relationship-advice_b_824879.html

When you stop living your life
based on what others think
of you real life begins.
At that moment,
you will finally see
the door of
self acceptance opened.
Shannon L. Alder