CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Sexual Purity Posts

By

Hard Words Bruise

Hard Words Bruise
Posted by James Browning on October 25, 2012

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following: an addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling; the existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; the presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

“A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.” –  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

By

Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment

Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment
Posted by James Browning on October 23, 2012

If you think your wife is codependent, there’s a good chance you are, too. Often codependent men are attracted to women who are needy, demanding, jealous, or critical. Men become dependent on their wives’ approval, and then feel trapped by their manipulation, demands, or expectations. They’re unable to set boundaries and fear emotional retaliation and/or rejection, including withholding of sex. Their wives may be very emotional, providing a sense of aliveness to the relationship and compensating for the numbness many codependent men feel inside. In the beginning, a man can feel powerful, helping a needy girlfriend or wife and giving her attention or gifts. He conforms to her expectations, while being assured that she won’t abandon him, but eventually discovers that it’s never enough to satisfy her. . Fear of rejection and abandonment are powerful motivators for codependency, usually because of early emotional abandonment by a parent. Consequently, the men never leave – physically – but withdraw to the safety of a self-made emotional prison. After a while, they feel trapped, controlled, and resentful. They may use drugs or addictive behavior to manage anxiety and depression, while some look outside the marriage for validation. However, it’s not their wives that are the cause of their problem, it’s their codependency. Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.

“More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them.” –   Harold J. Smith

By

Codependency and Sex Addiction

I wanted to spend the next couple of months posting short articles on codependency and how it relates to our sexual addiction.

Per Robert Subby, Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

Earnie Larsen defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”

Melody Beattie defines a codependent as “a person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

The first two seem logical for me, the codependent recovering sex addict, the third, not so much with my wife, as my wife’s behavior is not a problem.  However, in past relationships, the definition fits perfectly.  My “definition” or explanation of codependency is more of an extreme fear of abandonment where we try to control everyone and everything around us (particularly our spouses) so that they will not leave us.  In my addiction, I feared abandonment (but never realized it until recovery) and medicated those fears through my sexual acting out.   Addicts are codependents, we fear abandonment because of the neglect or abandonment we experienced as children.  Now, as an adult, I have tried to control every relationship, both friends and my spouse in a futile effort to prevent the abandonment I experienced as a child.

Another way to look at it is allowing my wife’s emotions, feelings, disposition to deeply affect who I am and how I feel about myself.  When my wife is upset, I get upset.  When my wife is happy, then I am happy.  I had become a slave to my wife’s emotions and I didn’t even realize it!

I strongly feel that my sexual addiction as an adult was a way of medicating the fear of abandonment I experienced throughout my life.  This is not an excuse for my sexual acting out, but an understanding to a deeper root cause of my addiction and thus deeper healing of my inner self.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 8/17/2013 – Worn by Tenth Avenue North

This morning’s meeting was a musical topic where we played the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North and then shared on the lyrics of the song and how it impacted us.  Below are the lyrics and what I shared:

thestruggleI’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

There have been times in my recovery that I have felt worn out.  When I first heard this song I was studying for my professional engineering licensing exam and because of the class and study schedule spent countless hours away from my family, church, from meetings, recovery, and was feeling worn out.  I was getting up at 4am so I could work out, then staying up past 11pm so I could study, leaving very little time for sleep or family.  I heard this song and the words rang true to me.  The lines that stood out to me were “And my prayers are wearing thin, I’m worn even before the day begins, I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight” and those words kept haunting me over and over.  That is exactly how I was feeling.  Even when the test had passed, I still felt worn out.  I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to reach out and help others with the passion I had felt before, I wasn’t only worn, I was burned out in all aspects of my life, including my recovery.

The problem was, I my focus was not correct.  I was focusing on those few lines explaining how worn out I was and not focusing on the lines to the true source of my strength, Jesus Christ. “And I know that you can give me rest” and I’m worn so heaven come and flood my eyes, Let me see redemption win, Let me know the struggle ends, That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn…”  So my focus had been a real problem in my recovery.  Focusing on myself and my “high bottom problems” and not on the One that help carry my burden!

And for those in recovery that feel this way, all I can say is that it is ok to feel this way.  We all can feel this way and like me, the focus must be taken out of self and refocused onto Christ and others.  I had to go from inward focus to an outward focus so I could truly feel refreshed and my strength restored.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

Originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/13/the-four-jobs-of-an-accountability-partner/

Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

by Jeff Fisher on May 13, 2013

We are working on a podcast and a series of blog on accountability. A major part of sexual recovery is having good accountability, whether from an individual, a group, a minister, or a counselor.

We wanted to share four key jobs every good accountability partner has:

cheerCHEER – The person in recovery needs to know that they are not alone. Someone is on their side. Someone is rooting for them. Not just from the sidelines, but right in the war with him. The cheerleader encourages, but is always genuine in his encouragement. He doesn’t say “good job” if it’s not merited. But he always says, “You can get there. With God’s help, you can do it!”

 

ChallengeCHALLENGE – The addict will plateau at times and settle in to a comfortable level. The accountability partner is always challenging them. Putting the Big Picture of sexual purity, glorifying God, and healthy sexuality in front of them. The accountability partner sees farther than where the addict is and challenges him to shoot higher. Challenge happens when there is positive momentum or plateauing.

 

confrontCONFRONT – Confrontation happens where there is negative momentum. When sin happens and failures happens they need to be addressed. When an addict is hardening his heart or not willing to take the next step the accountability partner needs to take the role of confronting them. When the addicts behavior is hurting others, it must be confronted. Confession and repentance are the right responses to confrontation.

 

encourageCOMFORT – The recovery process is full of hurts, wounds, disappointments, failures, and consequences. The recovering person needs an arm around him when times are tough. He needs someone who understands where he is at and just sits with him. Prays for him. Cries with him. Supports him. Cares.

An accountability partner can be an ear to hear venting. Sometimes he needs needs to pray for him. Sometimes he just needs to show that he cares with a phone call.

The grief process can be tremendous for the addict. The consequences can sometimes seem unbearable. This is where an accountability partner can be a big help.