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Argue Well

couple-argue1Research shows it’s how we fight—where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly—that’s critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship. “All couples disagree—it’s how they disagree that makes the difference,” says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, “You can get angry, but it’s important to talk without fighting.”

• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don’t talk about it.

• COOL OFF: Pick a time when you can return to the argument with less emotion—ideally, within 24 hours and in person.

• DON’T ASSUME: You probably don’t know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.

• FLEXIBILITY ISN’T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without “losing.”

• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.

• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.

• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you’re modeling good argument techniques.

• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.

• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.

By Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703700904575391013484475040.html

“Any woman who is sure of her own wits, is a match, at any time, for a man who is not sure of his own temper.” – Wilkie Collins

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How to Navigate Unemployment + Recovery

by Jeff Fisher on August 13, 2013

unemployment1During the last 6 years of my recovery I have had several periods of unemployment. They are humbling, hard and adds a lot of stress to an already stressful time.

I am going through another one now.

For me, I had to step out of full-time ministry and falling back on my Finance degree while I worked on my sobriety and healed.  I took whatever accounting and finance jobs I could take.  But contracts end and companies transition.  I have not been in a steady job for more than 2 1/2 years.

Yuck!  It’s challenging.

Unemployment is a testing period.  Will we be able to make it?  Pay the bills?  Will I be able to get another job?  Do we have to dip into our savings or retirement or borrow money?

TIPS ON NAVIGATING UNEMPLOYMENT + RECOVERY

1.  Support – Beef up your support team.  Some friends are better supporting you with the jobless part.  Others are better in recovery.  Be sure to talk about your feelings and stresses with your sexual addition support group, accountability partner, counselor & minister.

2.  Structure – More time alone with nothing to do equals trouble.  Set up a daily routine.  Make your To-Do list.

jungle_machete3.  Take Load Off of Your Spouse – You need someone (other than your spouse) walking along side you.  Make a great effort to find this person.  Your spouse cannot bear the full load of your hard times.  He / she will already be having a challenging time with it.  I have a couple of friends I call when things get overwhelming.

4.  Time in the Word – Simple, yes?  But it’s amazing how we can put this off because we’re looking for a job.  Try reading II Corinthians.  During a lull in your day read a chapter or two out loud.  It’s helping me a lot.

5.  Job Coaching – We need veterans with wisdom to guide us, help us think, and keep us moving.  Ask around your church for people who know unemployment or career guidance.  Check with your community colleges.  Somebody’s been through it who can be an encouragement for you.

6.  Find a Holy Place – A place you can get away to pray, read, journal, sing and pour your heart out to the Lord.  I have  a screened-in back porch which is holy to me.  Dunkin’ Donuts is also a holy place for me!

7.  Get Out of the House – Sitting in the house or in front of the computer spirals into very bad places and depression.  Get out.  Go for a walk.  Go to a park.  Hit the gym.

OTHER TIPS? Q:  What other suggestions do you have for those who are jobless + in recovery?

Q:  How did you navigate through your own jobless time?

NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT? I’m glad to chat with you and help you not feel alone during your time of joblessness + recovery.  I’m right in the middle of one right now.

jeff@porntopurity.com   @porntopurity on Twitter

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Reasons to Take Back a Cheating Husband

http://repairingshatteredpieces.wordpress.com/2013/08/13/reasons-to-take-back-a-cheating-husband/
Posted in Affair by

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A friend e-mailed me this article last week, 10 Reasons Not to Take Back a Cheating Husband.  She’s a long recovered betrayed spouse and we’ve talked quite a bit about our reasons for reconciling.

I think this is such a personal and individual decision.  I would never tell someone who is facing infidelity in their lives to stay and reconcile or to divorce.  I can only say what I did for me.  I mean I went against even my own initial thoughts on infidelity when I found out.  I always said I would never stay married to a cheater.  No questions asked, he would be gone.  But then, it happened to me.  Suddenly, all the “I never’s” changed in an instant.  Somehow things were different.

I know many people do not understand why I chose to stay with my husband and try to reconcile once, let alone after multiple DDay’s and AP’s.  Here’s the thing though, all that matters in the end is that *I* chose to stay and I have to be accountable for that decision, just as he is being held accountable for his decision to have multiple affairs.  His infidelity almost broke us, however we’re choosing a different path.  It’s the hardest work of my life, but hopefully worth it in the end.

So I’d like to counter the article and give 10 reasons to take back a cheating husband:

  • The Relationship will never be the same, but it can be better.  I’d like to challenge the article saying that “usually” the relationship can not be better after infidelity.  It CAN.  But it takes a lot of work and a remorseful spouse.  Yes, trust is lost, but that trust can be rebuilt over time.  Transparency and honestly always are a must, on BOTH spouses.  By work, I mean counseling both marriage and individual.  Deep introspection into the why’s of how the affair began.  Open and honest discussions.  And most importantly?  The wayward spouse has to take on the role of healer and help the betrayed spouse heal.
  • Cheating can happen in any relationship at any time, by fixing your current relationship, there is less risk in the future.  Throwing in the towel does not guarantee infidelity will not hit your life again.  In fact, the risk goes up in second marriages.  By working on your current relationship, trying to dig deep to fix what is broken, you have a chance at not only repairing your relationship, but stopping infidelity in its tracks.
  • You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable but you can recover.  By staying with my husband, I am NOT teaching my children that cheating is acceptable.  They are seeing the hard work that both of us are doing to repair our marriage.  They know that by choosing to stay it was a difficult decision.  They also know that I am not a door mat and that if, heaven forbid, my husband does cheat again, there will NOT be another chance.  But they also see that we are FIGHTING for our marriage and each other.  Some times, marriages are so disposable, we are showing them that we are choosing a different path.
  • Therapy is worth the money.  I began seeing a therapist long before I found out about my husband’s infidelity.  Therapy has made me a better person.  Therapy has changed my life.  Therapy has changed OUR lives.  Therapy has helped my husband in more ways than I can count.  I’m sure I would have found numerous ways to waste that money, like on shoes or take out.  Instead I see it as an investment.
  • 447604aa047b052d09d2315d93508a18I never lost my self-respect.  I never lost it.  Yes, my self-esteem took a hit, but even that is back now.  But my self-respect?  I never lost it.  I did not cheat, therefore, I had nothing to lose my self-respect for.  My husband?  He did.  By staying in my marriage, I find that is something TO BE respected for.  It is not easy to either end a marriage or fight for a marriage.  However, to say one loses their self-respect because they choose to work at repairing their marriage?  Hog-wash.  In my husbands eyes, my children’s eyes and more importantly in my eyes, I have earned that respect.
  • Things CAN get better.  If you have a unremorseful spouse, of course things can get worse, but if you have a remorseful spouse, who wants to help repair the marriage, make amends for the pain they caused, your marriage can come out stronger and better than ever.  Will you forget?  No.  There will always be memories and some pain attached, like any trauma suffered.  However, you can heal, you can grow, and you can have a chance to make your marriage into something you’d always wanted.
  • There is no easy way.  Regardless if you choose to reconcile or divorce, there is no easy way.  Neither is harder than the other.  Both are f******* hard, both cause pain and heartache.  Both cause growth, both can have happy endings or not.  Hopefully it’s the former.
  • I *DO* need a partner.  I don’t have a child.  He was never a child, he made very adult decisions.  Drastic, devastating ones.  He was a crap partner for a while, I admit that.  However, now, he’s become an amazing partner.  Frankly, as long as he was willing, I’d rather be with him, who I’ve spent the last 13 years with and have him work on becoming an amazing partner, than to divorce, start over and have a crap shoot guessing game if I’d get a good partner or not.  Even if I divorced my husband, there is no guarantee that I’d end up with a good partner.  I could end up with another cheater!  (High probability in second marriages).  It is correct that it isn’t my job to fix him, but you see, I’m not fixing him, he’s fixing himself, and we are BOTH fixing the marriage.
  • I *DO* deserve better, and he’s becoming better.  He’s becoming the man I always wished for, the one I always knew he could be and our marriage is becoming better.  In turn *I* am becoming better.  Again, there is no guarantee that I will find better if I divorce.  Instead we are making better together.
  • I do NOT need a reason.  I don’t *need* to justify my reasons to anyone as to why I’ve chosen to reconcile with a cheater.  However, I have opened up to you all as to why I have made the decision I have.  I believe in us, I believe in our marriage, I believe we have something worth fighting for.

These are just are a few of my reasons as to why I took back a cheater.

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Slave to Your Emotions

Negative emotions can be described as any feeling which causes you to be miserable and sad. These emotions make you dislike yourself and others, and take away your confidence. Emotions which can become negative are hate, anger, jealousy and sadness. Yet, in the right context, these feelings are completely natural. Negative emotions stop us from thinking and behaving rationally and seeing situations in their true perspective. When this occurs, we tend to see only we want to see and remember only what we want to remember. This only prolongs the anger or grief and prevents us from enjoying life. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the problem becomes. Emotions are psychological (what we think) and biological (what we feel). Our brain responds to our thoughts by releasing hormones and chemicals which send us into a state of arousal. All emotions come about in this way, whether positive or negative. It is a complex process and often we don’t have the skills to deal with negative feelings. That’s why we find it hard to cope when we experience them. There are a number of coping strategies to deal with negative emotions. These include:

• Don’t blow things out of proportion by going over them time and again in your mind.

• Try to be reasonable – accept that bad feelings are occasionally unavoidable and think of ways to make yourself feel better.

• Relax – use pleasant activities like reading, walking or talking to a friend.

• Learn – notice how grief, loss and anger make you feel and which events trigger those feelings so you can prepare in advance.

• Exercise – aerobic activity lowers your level of stress chemicals and allows you to cope better with negative emotions.

• Let go of the past – constantly going over negative events robs you of the present and makes you feel bad.

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Negative_emotions_coping_tips

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

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Stereotype of the Heroic Male

o-men-take-more-pain-men-570When upset, women are more likely to express their feelings directly, and to seek the support of friends and family, whereas men might hide their emotions or withdraw. Men often feel that they need to be self-reliant. They are sometimes focused on providing for their loved ones and hide their own emotions. This behavior is reinforced everyday in the stereotype of the heroic male, so often represented in popular culture. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity alone, these characters tell us a lot about what is considered to be ideal male behavior within our society. More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing. Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely, if ever, cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave becomes the unconscious template for our own behavior. It is helpful to think in terms of four basic human emotions: Sadness; Anger; Happiness; Fear. Of these four emotions, happiness is considered the most acceptable in society. Yet anger, fear and sadness are universally felt by everyone. These emotions serve valuable purposes and are normal responses to threat and loss. As emotions such as fear and sadness are generally not as accepted, men might try to hide these from themselves and those around them. They feel that they should be able cope on their own. We might not always be able to identify what we’re feeling or have the words to describe our emotions. Men may feel uncomfortable talking to someone about them, leading to frustration in relationships when they cannot express their needs, fears and grief.  https://www.google.com/search?q=men+emotions&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-Address&ie=&oe=

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.” – Vincent Van Gogh