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Former Porn Star J***** J****s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Former Porn Star J***** J*****’ Story
by shelleylubben| Fri, 11/20/2009 – 10:05pm

Hi, my name is A**** AKA J***** J*****. I was involved in the porn industry for a short period of time. Let me tell you something, it’s not anything great, that’s for sure. I hurt people who loved me when I did that raunchy stuff. I was fooled by dollar signs and false illusion. I was gullible enough to believe that it wouldn’t hurt me. Now, I pay the consequences of what I have done.

Before I ever did this stuff I was an average girl. I was definitely a little different in some ways but for the most part I was pretty average. Well, I’ve made some pretty poor choices in my life. I take full responsibility for each one. I’ve seen a side of the world that nobody would want to see. It’s evil, dark and very manipulative.

People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around doing what they have become so accustomed to. It’s really sad. It’s really painful to see. You have no idea how badly their feelings have been hurt. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even through that short time. The industry forgets that these little girls are human and no human on earth deserves to be abused such as they are.

I just really wanted to justify myself to those who have no idea what goes on in the porn industry or inside the minds of these young jaded girls. Most of us didn’t dream of becoming porn stars, we some how fell into it. Some of us believed once you’re in, there is no way out. WRONG. I got out. I will never go back! What does not kill me will make me stronger. God will never let me down, even during the worst of times.

I am so thankful to have been brought back to God through all this. My one and only God! He feels the void inside my heart and the empty space deep inside my soul with unfailing love and never ending mercy. He is the one and only solution to our lives. I am grateful for each and every single day because I have Jesus Christ by my side. He has given me so much hope and I am more than 110% positive that through Jesus Christ all things are possible!

When it comes to life, its how you handle the circumstances you’ve been put under and what you choose to do about it that makes you who are today. I have decided to not let the past break me but instead to make me even better than I would have been before. I would like to thank the Pink Cross for the amazing support they have shown and given me. Without the Pink Cross, I would not be able to share my story or come clean like this. I love the Pink Cross and everything they are doing to stop the porn industry, as it really does kill the souls of the people who enter. Thank you so much Shelley. God has really used your past to give us hope and through him, to help save us.

I would like to thank God for putting Shelley and the Pink Cross together to help save the lives and put an end to the abuse of the wicked porn industry. Thank you Pink Cross. I am truly thankful.

I also wanted to acknowledge the hard times I put other people around me through. I am sorry. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I wish you all the best. You know who I am talking to.

A**** AKA J***** J*****

By

S**** Escapes Porn and Sex Work!

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

S**** Escapes Porn and Sex Work!
by admin| Mon, 02/07/2011 – 10:32pm

I grew up in a Christian home in the East part of Germany. But somehow I never felt the love & affection of my father, so my search for love & acceptance began in primary school, where I got molested by older boys.

I felt guilty & used, but it also made me feel important for the first time in life. Somebody finally took a real interest in me, so I’d thought.

It was about the same time that I got introduced to porn. I found these magazines hidden under some bathroom towels… I was wondering what they were doing there & why they were kept hidden… I never have seen women & men “behaving or doing stuff like that” before. But when I saw how these women were desired by men it left a longing in my heart… I thought I had found out about a secret. So it became my secret & my thoughts started to turn around these images.

I saw my first hardcore porn movie at a friends’ house while her single mom was absent. It shook my world, but led me even further into that already existing dependency on these “nude love-making images” & sex fantasies. It felt like there was a “hook in my flesh” that wasn’t going to leave me. I started to touch myself.

Comparing myself to the women I saw in the magazines or movies I felt unwanted, fat, ugly & stupid.

I even prayed to GOD to make me more attractive to be loved. Soon thoughts of suicide crept into my mind & I sought of ways to die. To escape the hurt inside I fled into my fantasy world of perversion & day dreams.

As I grew older I realized that I started to receive a lot of attention for my looks and body. So I got involved with a lot older men Nazis & Satanists & started to sing their songs & to worship their idols. I became a racist along the way & hated every weak & imperfect being around me. Though I couldn’t believe what was happening: They were betting on “Who will get her first” with money & I felt so desired. I was known for a hot ‘n’ hard shell to crack & I was proud to be a “naughty virgin”!

But my longing for approval wasn’t satisfied much longer by only playing men like I had seen in the porn movies. By then these women on screen had taught me well how to lure a man & how to tease him. So I’ve got the look, the moves & the dirty talk. I was confused because I hated men & wanted them so badly at the same time. What was wrong with me? But being exposed to porn & hurting inside, everything got twisted.

I called it the GAME to trick men & let them fall when they got “high on me”. Not all men were happy to be treated this way by me, so I got violated a few times.

One of my first boys recognized my talent for the sex industry & made me table dance with a tiny miniskirt without underwear for the first time. Oh how I loved the attention. I was so desperate for his approval.

I started to dress up like a sexbomb whenever I went out. I was seeking for attention & I wanted everyone to notice me.

I never had real girlfriends because they were competition for me & I even cheated on them with their boyfriends. I got entangeled with married men, had many affairs at the same time but never called anybody “my boyfriend”. I didn’t even know how to do a relationship with anybody. I felt so lonely on the inside, but on the outside I was a tough chick who had everything under control.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to make the rules & I didn’t want anybody to leave me, so I never got together with somebody. I lowered my desires for a real loving & caring relationship & exchanged it with abusive, superficial fake ones. That was my soul protection, I thought.

I’d seen that it was all about the sexual attraction & it gave me value & satisfaction, when I could get men to cheat on their women.

Finally when I couldn’t stand living with my parents anymore, to pretend to be a sweet girl in church which I had to attend & my teacher wanted to leave his family for a relationship with me, I needed to get “outta there” & moved to the US after I finished my A-levels.

As a smart girl, I covered my escape with the excuse to learn some english as an AuPair.

The first family threw me out right away, because the Lady accused me of hitting on her husband which was not true at all… But my body language must have been so obvious screaming for lust & affirmation out of every pore.

I moved to Long Island, but NYC is not the best place to turn an already messed-up young life around, when the devil is already out there about to destroy you.

I found myself enjoying a glamorous lifestyle, became very proud, arrogant & careless, which led me into a few very dangerous situations.

I got pampered for my looks with free beauty treatments & finally got the playboy-look with the blonde hair & the long nails. Even the girl I took vacation with in LA called me “The hooker on the sunset strip” coz the Ferrari stopped right in the middle of the street but I was too proud to hop into his car.

I wasn’t a prostitute, I thought.

My destiny was to become a smart “RichMenBunny” & a famous porn actress. That is what I had been told during all my time at school: That I was born for acting & for sinful things. The name “Sin-ful-Sin-dy” how I had been called – haunted me all along. It really had become my identity.

I wanted to pay back the men what they had done to me or for what they hadn’t done to me. I was full of hatred. I wanted that power over men & I knew I could only get it through sex & manipulation. So I started to get paid for the exchange of sexual favours. It was pathetic. I never wanted money – but gifts, quality time, words of approval & just some nice treatment. I was so empty & I wanted to feel special. Valued. Normal.

But my plan of taking off in the adult industry got stopped by the painful experiences of abuse along the way.

I knew my life was out of control somehow. I had deceived myself to believe that everything was alright. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do, so after a few month on a french island, I finally went back to Germany to study & to try to impress my father with some other skills of mine, after he wasn’t impressed by what a great looking girl I had become by then.

Bored of my life I started internet “hooking up” & called it dating.

My profiles became my own escort service to feed my own addiction to my sex-driven lifestyle. I had different identities and names. Sunny-Bunny was my favourite.

Since I was completely empty on the inside, I needed phone & cyber sex to survive emotionally. Yet the “entertainment industry” didn’t satisfy neither.

I got many offers for a web cam flat or “high profile escort” but it all became tasteless & shallow to me.

One night I was with a regular client when his wife called, asking him when he was about to come home… They had children & after I had just disgraced their family car, I felt sick on the inside, thinking of my future: Dreaming about a husband who would be faithful to me, while here I was sitting destroying family lives.

I longed for deep intimacy but found it nowhere. I was devastated.

I got totally obsessed with my body- & beauty-image and didn’t leave the house if I didn’t look perfect. I didn’t eat or ate too much. Alcohol and parties were again the cure for my depressions. I couldn’t sleep or had horrible nightmares (of demons raping me*) when I did. (*Every morning – better every afternoon I woke up – for I mostly lived during the night & slept during the day, it felt it had really happened to me – later I found out that I wasn’t crazy & that this is really happening to other people as well & is part of how the enemy tries to wear you out – these “dreams” are called succubus or incubus…)

In this state I couldn’t keep up with going to uni anymore. But after I got raped at the dorm rooms, which was so physically painful, that I couldn’t walk, sit or use the bathroom for days, I never went back there again. Instead I moved into a lesbian couples’ house to be protected from male violence.

When my “Saviour boyfriend” at the time & drug dealer turned out not to be “Mister Right” and I caught Genital Herpes, a non curable sexual transmitted disease, my feeling of being “on top of the world” tumbled.

From this moment on I just existed. I felt paralyzed & couldn’t leave my bed for weeks.There I sought through religions, the occult and by psychologist treatments for a solution out of my mess. I wanted to kill myself and had so many voices in my head to kill others too. I thought I would go crazy. I hated everything & everybody around me. There I also prayed to GOD again to rescue me.

Years ago I had picked up a Christian magazine while going to church with my parents (to keep up the family reputation), where I had read a story about an Ex-Porn Actress who had turned to Christ for her salvation.

I found Shelley Lubbens story on the internet & cried so much while reading her testimony. For the first time I thought somebody would understand me. So I wrote her an e-mail & then we talked over the phone. Shelley told me that I need GOD, JESUS and the Holy Spirit. But I didn’t know where to start, what to do… I just knew… I needed to stop this kind of life otherwise I would die inside out. Shelley counseled me over the internet which was very precious to me & gave me hope for a better future.

Through Shelley I got introduced to a lot of other amazing women who had left their past & old identities behind to live a devoted life in submission to Jesus Christ – the source of life on earth & for eternity.

I trusted those testimonies to be true & moved to Paris where I raised my hand to become a Christian in Hillsong Paris on the 3rd of November 2006. I wanted a brandnew life & for the first time I felt that it could be possible. Nobody judged me. Instead they introduced me to the redeeming love of Jesus Christ.

I got sponsored to attend Hillsong Women’s Conference in London, where GOD broke my heart over my past & what I had done to myself & others. I understood that I had to repent. But He also gave me a glimpse of my future and the promise that He would restore and heal me.

In London I found out about Mercy Ministries.

Back in Paris, I got baptised in the Holy Spirit, which made a massive difference in my relationship to GOD. For the first time I could sense His presence and it was very precious to me.

But even though something had changed on the inside, my past still haunted me & I couldn’t stop certain habits & behaviours.

I felt lost in my own war for freedom.

The voices in my head just wouldn’t shut up & I had no idea how to silence them.

GOD’s truth was hard for me to digest, because I had to realize that I had been lied to for 23 years by the enemy & it had destroyed my life, self worth & the ability to trust & to function in normal relationships.

I just couldn’t break with my old lifestyle in my own strength.

On the 1st of October 2008 I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries UK for 7 months of recovery & Christian life skill training.

So much has happened there. So many chains were broken. I was taught fantastic tools to use now in my everyday life. Christ’s unconditional love was poured out to me. I could fill pages about what has happened there…

Maybe one thing, that will indicate the war that was going on over my life: The devil had tried to mess with my identity all my life and had called me SIN, the first three letters of my name. “Sindy – made for sinful things,” the enemy had wispered on any occasion into my ear.

At Mercy I cried out to GOD: “Give me a new name – I don’t want to be called SIN anymore!”

And GOD answered gently to me: “You never have been, Sindy! SINDY contains two letters more: DY-DIE – SIN HAS TO DIE!!! – Sindy, you are called FREEDOM!”

I completely broke down after that revelation of GOD Himself. My sinful past had no power over me anymore. I was set free.

That was real love, I had never experienced before.

See that is the total opposite what the the devil wants for you through the experience of porn: He makes you think that you are in control, that you are lord over your life, but you are not! I had become a slave to pornography. Now it was me the client. I didn’t take a penny – I even felt that I had to pay them to make me happy, to satisfy the hunger inside. That is how sick it had become. It got so bad that wherever I turned I saw everybody naked. Every noise you hear, your brain turns into something perverted. Then I knew, I live in a cage! I was trapped.

But now GOD is still walking me through the hurts & consequences of the past & shows me how to live life different. He teaches me through His Word, other peoples testimonies (there is so much power in testifying what GOD has done for us & the devil doesn’t want us to encourage each other) and through lessons learnt myself with the assistance of the Holy Spirit.

I have worked over 1 and a half years in fulltime ministry (“Zukunft-für- DICH” which means there is a “future for you” in Jesus Christ) in Berlin, reaching out to lost girls – in the Red Light District, where I was also able to take girls in into our girls-accommodation to get them off drugs & alcohol & teach them how to live a normal life with Jesus.

I also got totally blessed by teaching the girls twice at the Mercy House in October 2010. And spending 3 days with them just made me cry & so thankful over what JESUS had done to me through that wonderful place & precious staff!

Today I get invited to speak at conferences & seminars on how JESUS has set me free & how to deal with the topics that I struggled with! I love to share the gospel!

Now I am about to move home to my precious sister who is trapped in the lies of the enemy as well. I have treated her very badly & have abused her with my words & actions while we were growing up together… Now it’s about time to show her the LOVE OF CHRIST & to spend time with my family. JESUS gave me the love for my family back! I am so thankful that I am welcomed home into my parents’ house after all that I did to them. GOD is good & faithful!

I am currently building up a Self Help & Recovery Group for (Ex-) Sex, Love & Porn Addicts in cooperation with an Austrian based ministry called “love is more”, which I am really excited about to develop & work with.

In February 2011 I’ll join Shelley to fight the lies of PORN at Cambridge University!

Finally I’ll be able to meet her for real & thank her personally for all she had been pouring out into me over the last 4 years! …awww Shelley – I love you so much!

… & the best is yet to come – for with JESUS – everything is possible & life gets better & better & better & I am not afraid to grow old & get wrinkles anymore !!!!  🙂

Please let me encourage you, if you are single: I am single & free from porn & masturbation & I am not having sex until I am married!

I am praying for my future husband & I will wait until that day of my wedding before I will have sex again. I am SURE that this is possible because JESUS lives in me & HE has totally changed me & gives me GRACE to work out my salvation in every sphere of life.

If you wanna WIN, you gotta FIGHT! It may take you some time, but with Jesus & a group of faith filled friends or support group on your side you can DO it! It is worth it!

To all those men, women & children that have been hurt by my past life & behaviour: I am really SORRY for what I have done to you & how I have been such a negative role model! I prayed to GOD for forgiveness & I hope & pray that you can forgive me too?!

Sharing my life story with others isn’t always easy, it makes you vulnerable. But I know how I had been desperate for a glimpse of hope when I realized that I was living a lie & an illusion.

The truth & nothing but the truth is: Freedom & the purpose of your life is found in Jesus Christ!

And THANKS to Shelley sharing her testimony online 5 years ago, I am a changed woman today! 🙂

I hope & pray that I can encourage you right now to consider the option of inviting JESUS into your heart where ever you are & start THE LIFE you were meant to live!

JESUS loves you so much & wants you to enjoy your life here on earth & for eternity!

And if you have a story to tell, then be brave & share yours too! People need to know & GOD deserves all our praise!

… to be continued for HIS GLORY !!!!!! – JESUS I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

My message to a world addicted to pornography: 

PLEASE STOP WATCHING PORN !!! I was one of the statistics when I got exposed to porn at the tender age of 9. It almost destroyed my life.

PLEASE “turn to the wife/husband of your youth”, love, honor & treasure her/him & protect your children from that filthy lie of the enemy.

GOD has created sex to be very special in the wonderful & secure setting of marriage. GOD knows best – He created us.

SOME FAQ’s about PORN & Co. and my answers:

I’ve heard it said that people who star in porn films do it because they love it.  What’s your response to that?

I do understand why they have to say that: otherwise how can you support what you do?! You gotta sell your product! & just don’t tell anybody about the side effects until they almost or sadly sometimes kill you yourself. Often we are so abused & hurt inside that we don’t feel the pain anymore coz we numb it. To survive.

Yes, I also said that I love all that bodily fluids all over my face. All the women in porn convinced me of that too. It seemed like so much “fun”. But it is disgusting, degrading. But if you tell yourself often enough you like it, otherwise men won’t “love & accept” you, you add a big convincing fake smile, it almost becomes a truth!

What happened to make you decide that enough was enough?

All sorts of abuse, rape, trauma, depressions, STD & the thought about my future without a happy family. Realizing that you live a lie & desire truth more. Sick of being cheated. When I felt that “somebody/something” wants to kill you, but you want to live !

Why do you think more and more women are becoming producers of porn films?

They want the power they never had. They are so hurt inside that they wanna hurt others.

There is a lot of money in that business & some “glamour” & some might be addicted to sexual images like me as well… and to not be on the suffering end of an actress they produce what they like, but know that its war between short term satisfaction and pain in the long run.

How can we as Christians make a difference in this industry? 

Support the Pink Cross Foundation & raise awareness through organizations like XXX-Church. There are good resources out there. Get your friends, church, community educated on the true(!) effects of porn & the pain porn “stars” suffer !

FACE the truth! Don’t ignore the big pink elephant that wants to trample into your BEDroom !

Get Shelley’s new book “Truth behind the fantasy of porn” or read “Redeeming Love” of Francine Rivers & feel the pain inside of us.

What is the best piece advice you have for young women who feel the pressure of society bearing down on them to conform to an idealised image that doesn’t even exist?

To really look behind the scenes & again face the Truth about the whole issue. Look to GOD for your calling & destiny, ask Him for goals & visions for your life. Every girl has a special purpose on this planet, but that does not include to become a sex slave of the sex industry!

I know how it feels: women in porn look so flawless & hot, so powerful, Though I somehow knew that it was fake, Though I couldn’t imagine them to be really happy – still they are adored & wanted by many & That wanted me to be like one of them.

I know that many teenage girls, who don’t feel loved think the same way – and it kills me inside, that they compromise their innocence on that lie of perversion of the enemy.

If I only somehow can prevent them walking down that path of destruction and to find their true love in Jesus Christ instead, my heart would overflow with joy!

That is the cry of my heart.

Girls, don’t believe the father of the lies!

Believe your caring & loving Daddy who treasures you and your sexuality!

LOVE YOU ALL !!! S****

By

Online pornography to be blocked by default, PM announces

Looks like England is leading the charge.  I hope the United States follows closely!

Originally posted: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23401076

David Cameron: "In the balance between freedom and responsibility we have neglected our responsibility to children"
David Cameron: “In the balance between freedom and responsibility we have neglected our responsibility to children”

Most households in the UK will have pornography blocked by their internet provider unless they choose to receive it, David Cameron has announced.

In addition, the prime minister said possessing online pornography depicting rape would become illegal in England and Wales – in line with Scotland.

Mr Cameron warned in a speech that access to online pornography was “corroding childhood”.

The new measures will apply to both existing and new customers.

Mr Cameron also called for some “horrific” internet search terms to be “blacklisted”, meaning they would automatically bring up no results on websites such as Google or Bing.

He told the BBC he expected a “row” with service providers who, he said in his speech, were “not doing enough to take responsibility” despite having a “moral duty” to do so.

He also warned he could have to “force action” by changing the law and that, if there were “technical obstacles”, firms should use their “greatest brains” to overcome them.

‘Innocence’

In his speech, Mr Cameron said family-friendly filters would be automatically selected for all new customers by the end of the year – although they could choose to switch them off.

And millions of existing computer users would be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to use or not use “family-friendly filters” to restrict adult material.

The filters would apply to all devices linked to the affected home Wi-Fi network and across the public Wi-Fi network “wherever children are likely to be present”.

Customers who do not click on either option – accepting or declining – will have filters activated by default, Tory MP Claire Perry, Mr Cameron’s adviser on the sexualisation and commercialisation of childhood, told the BBC.

The UK’s biggest internet service providers have agreed to the filters scheme meaning it should cover 95% of homes.

Other measures announced by the prime minister included:

  • New laws so videos streamed online in the UK will be subject to the same restrictions as those sold in shops
  • Search engines having until October to introduce further measures to block illegal content
  • Experts from the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre being given more powers to examine secretive file-sharing networks
  • A secure database of banned child pornography images gathered by police across the country will be used to trace illegal content and the paedophiles viewing it

Mr Cameron also called for warning pages to pop up with helpline numbers when people try to search for illegal content.

He said: “I want to talk about the internet, the impact it is having on the innocence of our children, how online pornography is corroding childhood.

“And how, in the darkest corners of the internet, there are things going on that are a direct danger to our children, and that must be stamped out.

“I’m not making this speech because I want to moralise or scaremonger, but because I feel profoundly as a politician, and as a father, that the time for action has come. This is, quite simply, about how we protect our children and their innocence.”

But former Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre boss Jim Gamble told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme it was important to “get to the root cause” of illegal pornography, by catching those responsible for creating it.

He added: “You need a real deterrent, not a pop-up that paedophiles will laugh at.”

But Ms Perry argued filters would make a difference, saying that the killers of schoolgirls April Jones and Tia Sharp had accessed legal pornography before moving on to images of child abuse.

She added: “It’s impossible to buy this material in a sex shop… but it’s possible to have it served up on a computer every day.”

In his speech, Mr Cameron said possession of online pornography depicting rape would be made illegal.

Existing legislation only covers publication of pornographic portrayals of rape, as opposed to possession.

“Possession of such material is already an offence in Scotland but because of a loophole in the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008, it is not an offence south of the border,” Mr Cameron said.

“Well I can tell you today we are changing that. We are closing the loophole – making it a criminal offence to possess internet pornography that depicts rape.”

The move has been welcomed by women’s groups and academics who had campaigned to have “rape porn” banned.

Holly Dustin, director of the End Violence Against Women Coalition, said the group was “delighted”.

“The coalition government has pledged to prevent abuse of women and girls, so tackling a culture that glorifies abuse is critical for achieving this,” she said.

“The next step is working with experts to ensure careful drafting of the law and proper resourcing to ensure the law is enforced fully.”

‘No safe place’

Mr Cameron, who has faced criticism from Labour over cuts to Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre’s funding, insisted the centre’s experts and police would be given the powers needed to keep pace with technological changes on the internet.

“Let me be clear to any offender who might think otherwise: there is no such thing as a safe place on the internet to access child abuse material,” he said.

A spokesman for Google said: “We have a zero tolerance attitude to child sexual abuse imagery. Whenever we discover it, we respond quickly to remove and report it.

“We recently donated $5m (£3.3m) to help combat this problem and are committed to continuing the dialogue with the government on these issues.”

According to some experts, “default on” can create a dangerous sense of complacency, says BBC technology correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones.

He says internet service providers would dispute Mr Cameron’s interpretation of the new measures, insisting they did not want to be seen as censors.

By

Former Porn Star J**** S*****s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry.  At the suggestion from sex addiction recovery experts, I have removed the name (both real and actress) of the female mentioned in this post as to not trigger recovering sex addicts into “searching” for “more information” about her which could lead to them sexually acting out with pornography.

Former Porn Star J**** S******s’ Story
by S****** L*****| Sat, 12/31/2011 – 4:38pm

Former porn star M**** aka J**** S****** shares her powerful story how she escaped porn. She also speaks candidly about the illegal drugs, STDs and horrific work conditions in porn. M**** was active in the porn industry from 2005-2010.

My young life was chaotic. I had an alcoholic mother and no father around. I was sexually abused for the first time at 4 years old. It continued until I was nine when the man that had been abusing me finally moved away.

At 11 years old I got myself up and got a ride to church every Sunday, I even went through classes and got baptized!

Unfortunately I strayed from the church and lost my virginity at 12 to my first boyfriend who was 3 years older than me. I soon became pregnant and had my first abortion. It was heartbreaking and I feel guilty to this day for it.

My teen years weren’t much better. I was a good student but rarely went to school I moved out for the first time at 15 with my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me. Then moved back home until my mom decided she was moving to Reno to be with family and she didn’t want to bring me with her!

I continued to move from guy to guy to try and find love and to feel complete when God was waiting for me all along, I just didn’t realize it yet.

At 17 I was hard into cocaine, and meth. I planned on either stripping or doing porn. To me it made sense. I hated myself so much and felt like such a reject that I really didn’t care what the consequences of my actions were. I woke up every day wanting to die.

So I found an ad in one of the local papers to be in a porn movie and I went and did it. I felt dirty, totally hollow, like my soul had just been sucked out of me, but I had so many people telling me how pretty I was and that I would make it big if I moved down to California, they even set me up with an agent! I finally felt like I was someone, like I was valuable even if I had to do something that made me feel so empty and sad (which I had been doing most of my life anyway).

I did around 60 films in the time I was in porn and managed to get herpes and had gonorrhea or chlamydia countless times. My agent that was so close to me and I truly felt like we were friends kicked me out of the agency house when I found out I had herpes.

I did gonzo porn to start out and it was the most degrading, embarrassing, horrible thing ever! I had to shoot an interactive DVD which takes hours and hours of shooting time with a 104 degree fever! I was crying and wanted to leave but my agent wouldn’t let me he said he couldn’t let me flake on it.

I also did a scene where I was put with male talentthat was on my no list. I wanted to please them so I did it. He put his foot on my head and stepped on it [triggering language removed]. I freaked out and started balling; they stopped filming and sent me home with reduced pay since they got some shot but not the whole scene.

People in the business are so fake. Like a certain man (I won’t mention his name but I really want to keep other women away from him) signed a contract to build a website for me and I would see a certain amount of the profit. I have not gotten a cent from him to this day.

So I was homeless living in a shoot house with a few porn stars, for a little bit until I found yet another man to move in with. One of the people I lived with is dead according to S******’s dead porn star list.

I just want young girls to know it’s not a glamorous life. its gross, dirty, everyone has diseases and do not care who they give them to, agents will screw you over, friends will turn their backs on you, it’s all about the money no one cares if you are hurt, a complete junkie, anorexic, on the verge of suicide, or highly depressed, as long as you can still make them money, but the second you get herpes or hurt its like they never knew you in the first place.

And don’t forget the DVDs will stay out there for years after you quit. There will be stuff on the internet, people will know who you are when you start a normal job and they will judge you on it.

God saved me in a miraculous way. It happened one night when I was up at my apartment in Oregon (I lived in the agency house for 2-3 weeks and took a week off and flew back to Oregon every month).

My best friend and partner in crime at the time were trying to get our hands on some cocaine. We were bored and wanted to party. We kept calling and texting everyone we knew. No one had any.

Then finally after hours of trying to get some a friend called me and said he had some. While he was talking to me we had already gotten in the car and were speeding to his house which was about 45 minutes away from where we were at.

So we got there and went up to the door, he let us in. There were a few other people there I didn’t know. He informed us that he in fact did not have the eight ball he had promised, but he had mesculine instead. At this point in my life (I was 19) I had never tried hallucinogens knowingly (I had gotten laced weed a couple times). I was pissed and I let him know it, but he said he would give us a discount on the mesculine and it was really fun.

My friend and I were both finding to numb ourselves so we decided to do it. He took out a couple cookies and took out a dropper of liquid he gave my friend (who weighed much more than I) two drops, she ate it. Then he did 6 drops on mine and I was fine with that I figured I had such a tolerance for other drugs this would be just the same.

We drove back home, neither of us felt anything. I called him up and bitched him out; he swore we would feel something soon. Well my friend got bored and said she wanted to go out so she started getting ready. If I didn’t have drugs in my system I would go nowhere I was kind of like a hermit when I wasn’t high.

Then all of the sudden the blinds to my patio started to move, and I thought oh no it’s starting… My friend left with her boyfriend. I was stuck on the couch watching the blinds. Then a few minutes after she left my fingers started to go numb, then my hands, then my arms… before I knew it I was scrambling trying to make a phone call to someone who could help me.

I thought I was finally going to get my wish, I thought I was going to die. I soon realized I didn’t want to die, I wanted to live and the only way to do that was to call someone for help. I was too afraid to call 911. I called my boyfriend. He got mad that I had taken mesculine and hung up, and then I called my god mother who lived close by. She came and got me I guess (I don’t remember anything after the phone call to her).

She took me to her house and laid me on the couch. She said I was pretty much unresponsive, the only way she knew I wasn’t dead was the fact I was still breathing and I could squeeze her hand after she squeezed mine.

What was going on in my head during this time was wonderful and horrible at the same time.

I heard this voice that I learn in my hallucinogen induced coma to be God. God was asking me simple questions like when was the last time I ate? My answer: Days, I finally realized I was starving.

God asked when the last time I slept was? My answer: days. I realized I was exhausted. God gave me a seat to sit down.

Then the demons came. God told me to keep looking at him and ignore them. I kept my eyes glued to the shining light that surrounded the most beautiful loving eyes.

When I looked in them I felt the most love I have ever felt, I felt totally submerged in love and happiness, but I couldn’t help but to feel and see the most horrid looking monsters I had ever seen ripping my flesh and scratching my limbs out of the corner of my eyes, along with the most horrible noises I have ever heard in my life! I tried my hardest to keep focused on God and ignore these demons that were tearing me apart.

God gave me rules to live by. He told me I had to eat; I could no longer starve myself. God told me to quit drugs. And he let me know all the music I listened to and people I idolized was all fake. I didn’t need to try and live the life that I saw on TV. I needed to be who He intended me to be.

God let me know he wanted me to go to school, and he wanted me to write. There are certain things in my hallucination he told me that I was told never to repeat, but they were wise words of wisdom.

Then God said he had to let me go and I couldn’t come with him yet. I felt the most sadness I have ever felt, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how I have been clinically depressed for most of my life! I said okay and I felt myself being sucked down, it was almost like falling.

I woke up. I was in my Godmothers bed, my body was sore and my ears were hurting and ringing from all the terrible noises I had been subjected to. Everything around me looked so dull and colorless, nothing looked like it used to. I thought the world had ended, and in a way my old world had ended at this point.

My god mother took me back to my apartment. My friend was there with her boyfriend. They asked me where I had been. I told them I was at my godmothers casually, afraid to tell them about this scary yet incredible hallucination I had just endured.

Silly me I took off back to California. I figured what I had seen was nothing, although the thought of God telling me my purpose and telling me what I was doing was wrong stuck with me.

Soon after going back I found out I had herpes and got thrown out of my agencies house like trash. They even stole my clothes, and bedroom set. Anything I didn’t take with me that day in my friend’s car was not there when I returned.

I felt like God was trying to show me this wasn’t the way, but I still ignored him. I moved into a shoot house with a few people. Well we didn’t really move in we just stayed there without real permission from the two men that rented it, but they were nice enough to let us stay as long as we acted as extras and “acted” in movies for them.

There were drugs everywhere in this house, actually one of the guys that rented the house died of an overdose (God bless his soul.) I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol daily. I didn’t leave the house. I just stayed there and got sloshed, I was totally ignoring that voice that told me what I was doing was wrong.

Until one night a man stopped by and for some reason when we were alone and hanging out I told him about what happened to me and that God had told me what I was doing was wrong and I was tired and wanted out.

The next day I moved to Hollywood with him. It was nice. His apartment was quiet. I knew I could get off drugs living with him, seeing as how he didn’t drink or do drugs and worked out every day.

When I got my strength back I started working out with him every day, and I would go to the pool on the roof, tan and read the bible.

Psalms 1:1-3 became my favorite scripture to read.

1. Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the wicked, Nor standeth in the way of sinners, Nor sitteth in the seat of scoffers: 2. But his delight is in the law of Jehovah; And on his law doth he meditate day and night. 3. And he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, That bringeth forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also doth not wither; And whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. 

I began to pray and read scripture all of the time. The man I was living with did help me sober up but he wanted me to continue to shoot porn movies (He was a camera guy for a producer who is now dead as well, God bless his soul).

I left him and moved in with a barista from Starbucks. He was renting a room and I had my whole life (or what was left of it that the agency girls didn’t steal) in my car. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I started going to church every Sunday and I would cry through every sermon. I felt I had betrayed God and there’s no way he could ever forgive me, but soon I realized he had I just needed to forgive myself.

I moved back to Oregon as soon as I could and started my recovery. It was very difficult with no money and a messed up head from years of using cocaine and meth, but I managed to do it. I started to see a counselor, I continued to read scripture and pray.
The last few years have been focused on my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical recovery. I still am damaged and traumatized from what I put myself through and others put me through in the Adult Industry.

I now have a fiancé, a wonderful little boy, I have graduated school to become an esthetician, and I am still praying and reading scripture. Recently I have not been attending church.

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia recently and it has hindered my life quite a bit, but I am thankful to God for giving me a doctor who knew enough about my condition to diagnose me and refer me to the Frida center which is a whole practice just focused on fibromyalgia! I pray they can help me with my condition so I can be up and moving and not in so much pain. I ask others to please pray for help with my condition. Prayer is very powerful and I believe it will aid in getting control over my illness.

M**** writes to S******:

I found your site awhile ago and just reading your story and others storys really helped me to stay strong. Thank you for helping me to get my story out there just as God willed me to do!
Thank you,
M****

S******: Please pray for Megan to be completely healed from fibromyalgia and that the LORD would bless her marriage and family and open doors for her to use her writing gift to bless millions. If you would like to send a message to M****, please email it to info@thepinkcross.org and we will forward it for you.

By

Video: 10 Seconds – A Story About the Demand of Human Trafficking

Gilbert Horn is a successful business and family man with a deep dark secret. His obsession leads him to lie to those around him, betray his wife and enslave innocent girls. As he struggles with temptation, he is desperate for intervention to save him from self-destructing. 10 Seconds is a story of a sex addict and a sex slave.

10 Second Movie

ABOUT THE FILM

Bella Veritas Productions is proud to present 10 Seconds, a short independent film that draws attention to the demand for human trafficking and how sex addiction adds fuel to a growing fire.  Producers Elena Dering and David Perry began working to raise awareness about Human Trafficking in Nashville, TN in 2005. As their cultural conscience was awakened, they realized how few stories and films there were from the standpoint of the consumer. Later, Dering and Perry joined forces with Matthew Rampulla and Aaron Horn, who were also very passionate about the issue of human trafficking—10 Seconds is a product of this collaboration.