CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Toddler Tears

by jrmybennett

Last night I went to another meeting last night. It was a much more of an intimate venue and more comfortable setting. During the meeting everyone was sharing stories of their past. I decided it was time I shared a bit about myself. As I began to relate my story of my addiction, how I have let everyone I love down, how I don’t remember who I am anymore, how I hate the person I see in the mirror I began to cry….

This wasn’t a manly single tear down the face cry but a full on snot bubbling sob. I was crying like a three year old who had just dropped their popsicle in the sand. It felt good to let all that emotion go in a room full of strangers, to feel unencumbered by people’s preconceived notions. While I was speaking a rough looking man got up and left the room, I assumed I had sickened him with my display. He had declined to speak earlier but when he returned he addressed me directly and began to cry himself. He said he remembered what it was like to be in my shoes. How I had taken the first steps and recovery is possible. I hope to god he’s right.

I start “real” counseling on the 29th. I can’t wait and I’m ready to do this once and for all. I pray that the ones I have hurt and betrayed the most someday forgive me. I know I have a long road ahead of me but every journey begins with a single step.

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Different effects of stress on the brains of men and women related to empathy

originally posted at: http://www.psypost.org/2016/07/different-effects-stress-brains-men-women-related-empathy-43688

BY  ON JULY 6, 2016

The different effects of social stress on the brains of men and women are related to their response to empathy for pain, according to a study published this July in the International Journal of Psychophysiology. The study provides evidence that each sex may engage in distinct mechanisms to cope with stress.

Empathy is an essential aspect of social functioning. It allows people to build an understanding and mental representation of other peoples’ emotions and feelings. Research suggests that the brain mechanisms involved in how people empathize with others in painful circumstances involve two distinct responses. Firstly, there is an early emotional response seen in front-central regions of the brain; and secondly, there is a later cognitive evaluation, over the parietal area, where attention is either directed towards or away from stimuli.

As humans are a highly social species and face social stress on a regular basis, it can be expected that stress affects how people react to their environment. Therefore, the extent to which someone empathizes with another in pain is thought to be influenced by social stress.

Within this area, it has been proposed that men and women are distinctively affected by social stress. Men supposedly become more self-oriented, engaging in “fight or flight” behavior, whilst women react by creating and caring for social networks.

The study, led by Cristina Gonzalez-Liencres of Ruhr-University Bochum, involved 60 healthy participants (30 women and 30 men), half of which were exposed to short-term social stress. To measure empathy, researchers recorded the electroencephalography (EEG: which detects electrical brain activity) of the participants, while they observed photographs of hands in painful and neutral situations. Participants also had to fill in an assessment of their empathy in response to the photos and had their cortisol response to stress measured (via saliva samples).

Results revealed that different effects of social stress on the brains of men and women were related to their response to the pain empathy task. The late brain activity, associated with cognitive evaluation, was uniquely associated with a change in cortisol in stressed males. This was despite similar empathy ratings reported by all participants. This suggests that men used more cognitive processes in response to social stress and provides evidence that each sex may engage in distinct mechanisms to cope with stress.

The findings are useful to help understand the unique effects of social stress in men and women, as well as for the separate mechanisms that each sex undertakes to cope with socially stressful situations. This may be useful for understanding psychopathological conditions which are influenced by high levels of social stress.

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4 Myths About the Wives of Porn Addicts

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/4-myths-wives-porn-addicts/

August 16, 2016 by

The world finds lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography not only acceptable, but something to be elevated and encouraged, because they’ve embraced the belief that if anyone is being hurt, it’s only the person looking at porn. This is a lie. A wife is part of the collateral damage that’s resulted from her husband’s addiction.

There are four misconceptions that many hold about pornography addiction and the betrayed wife. Being aware of these myths will help you improve your counseling strategy to these women.

Myth 1: “She’s handling it well”

It’s likely you don’t have to search your memory very far back to recall the last wife who sat in your office talking about her husband’s addiction to pornography. I’d like to tell you what she probably didn’t say in that counseling session.

She didn’t tell you that while she appreciates the help her husband is getting, inside she’s screaming, “What about me? I didn’t choose this! He broke my heart for porn!”

She didn’t tell you her husband’s “secret sin” has now become her own dirty little secret. Fear of judgment and additional repercussions for her and her family prevent her from sharing her pain with others.

She didn’t tell you that she blames herself—that when her husband turns to images of other women to meet his sexual needs, she believes there must be something wrong with her. She feels rejected and inadequate. She also feels responsible to fix this somehow.

She probably didn’t tell you that she is afraid. She’s afraid that …

  • Being close to her husband will never feel safe again and that she’ll throw up if he tries to touch her.
  • If she lets her guard down, he will hurt her again, so she acts like the porn police.
  • Her husband will choose to continue in his sin and not seek healing.
  • Recurrence and deception will leave her looking like a gullible idiot.
  • She’ll never trust the man she married because lies have been the backbone supporting the pornography addiction in her marriage.

Though the fabric of her life may feel like it’s unraveling, she needs assurance that God is able to meet her in the center of her pain and that there is always hope in Jesus. He will comfort her in her grief, and He will be her strength in this battle. This is not the matrimonial trip of a lifetime that she had planned. In fact, much has been lost. She needs you to give her opportunities to name and grieve those losses. Some of those losses may be obvious (financial security, employment, health), while others may be less tangible, like trust, respect, and self-worth.

When I say “grieve” those losses, I mean grieve. Hand her a box of tissues and assure her that our God is big enough to handle her tears, then listen. This isn’t the time for well-intended, but unhelpful, spiritual platitudes. She longs to hear that she’s not alone and that though you don’t have all the answers, you’re so glad she told you the truth about what’s going on. I’ve learned that we can only praise God to the degree we have lamented. Once she’s grieved her losses, she’s in a better position to set aside her own agenda and accept the path God has set for her for this time.

Myth 2: If she’d been sexually available and kept her figure, the husband wouldn’t have turned to porn

No wife is to blame for her husband’s addiction to pornography. Each of us bears the responsibility for our own choices. She needs to hear that she can’t control her husband’s choices, nor can she do anything to fix this for him. She can only take care of her business with Christ, live according to God’s Word, and work with you (a counselor or pastor) on her damaged heart.

During the initial stages of ministry to the wife of a porn addict, a wife must be assured that her husband’s enslavement to pornography is his responsibility. It is not her fault. She should never be led to think that his addiction has to do with her appearance, her bedroom performance, or her availability.

This does not mean that the wife is perfect. Later in the healing process—after she has had ample time (months, not weeks) to reveal her heart, grieve the layers of losses, become part of a support network, and understand that God is able to handle this—you can help the wife engage in some constructive, self-examination to determine if there’s some things that she has done to contribute to his addiction. She might consider her reactions to his current progress and current choices, whether she’s withdrawing emotionally, if she’s using past sins against him, etc. But foremost, she must understand that her husband’s choice to view pornography is not about her.

Myth 3: If the husband stops using porn, she should magically be “over it”

Just because the habit is over, doesn’t mean the havoc is over.

Trust is an asset we don’t fully appreciate until we don’t have it in a relationship. Before she was aware of her husband’s addiction, she probably didn’t give trust a second thought. Since the discovery and the awareness that lies had covered up her ability to see what he was doing in the past, now she conjures up countless possibilities in her mind every time her husband walks out the door.

Let’s consider for a moment what possessed her husband to lie in the first place. He lied because …

  • He could, and for a time, it worked.
  • He was self-deceived.
  • He hoped to avoid conflict with her.
  • He feared the consequences of her knowing the truth.
  • He feared the possibility of not being able to “have it all”—have both her and the outside sexual opportunities.

Ultimately, it backfired. Lies are a tool of the devil because they kill trust.

Trust will either be built or destroyed in the countless choices the wife and her husband make moment by moment. His behaviors will become her trust barometer. If he wants to demonstrate his trustworthiness, and he is making right choices, he will have no problem being accountable and undergoing a reasonable degree of scrutiny. If, however, he insists that she should simply “get over it” and take his word that he’s “done doing that,” and he resists accountability, she needs to be cautious about trusting. This is a direct indication that he is not serious about healing from his addiction and restoring trust in their marriage.

Myth 4: It’s enough for her to understand the addiction and her role in recovery

Understanding her husband’s history with pornography, what triggers her husband’s behavior, and what he’s looking for from porn is helpful to know, but it’s insufficient. While it’s absolutely necessary for there to be a focus on the husband’s habit, the unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife. She has a deeply wounded heart that also requires attention if there is hope of a restored marriage.

The unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife.

  • Offer a support group for wives in your church. A healthy support group—whether facilitated by a therapist, a lay leader, or another wife who has navigated her own journey of a broken heart—provides a place of encouragement and empathy while maintaining confidentiality. I’ve recently written a leader’s guide for those who want to offer a support group for wives, to be used with my book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart. You can access that guide here.
  • Point wives to an online support group for wives. While I am quick to point people toward pastoral and professional counseling, I also know that there’s something special and safe about a support group led by a woman who is able to say, “I know what it’s like in your shoes because I’ve walked in them. I also know what it’s like to stand victorious and have a restored heart after pornography, and I’m here to walk with you through the mess.” This is why I offer a small, confidential, online support group for wives through my ministry. I hope you’ll offer something in your church, but if you can’t, please share my online support group with the hurting wives in your church. They can access that group here.

When you’re meeting with the wife of a man with a porn sin issue, assure her that her broken heart matters, then help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Conclusion

Heart healing needs to come first. It is beautiful when a wife can take the broken pieces of her heart and make them available to the Master Restorer, who will take those pieces and make something stunning. Psalm 147:3 (ESV) assures us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When her heart is whole, she is then in the perfect position to contribute to an environment of healing in her marriage.

Sam Hodges and Kathy Leonard provide additional tips on ministering to a betrayed wife in “My Husband Is Having Online Affairs. Help Me, Pastor!” where they share the story of Sarah, whose husband engaged in online pornography and cybersex.

Vicki Tiede

Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Vicki is uniquely qualified to minister to women whose husbands are addicted to pornography because of her own experience of being that wife in her first marriage. Vicki has written Your Husband is Addicted to Porn (mini-book) and When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart in addition to writing and contributing to six other books. Through her ministry, Vicki offers online, video-conferencing support groups for wives. You can find further resources at www.vickitiede.com or follow her blog at www.vickitiede.com/blog.

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Read This If You Feel Unworthy

Originally posted on Thought Catalog

“You are not an accident”

I was sitting in my room one morning when this phrase came to me in a fit of inspiration. I was feeling down on myself about things I could be doing better, ways that I wasn’t living up to what other people wanted from me. How I wasn’t this enough or that enough. How I wasn’t successful enough after an expensive college education and doing everything that all of us are told to do in order to be successful.

After going through these feelings one by one, it dawned on me that despite this obsession with perfection – by people, institutions, and the media alike – it’s unattainable and I shouldn’t feel bad for being who I am right now. Right in this moment. Even if that person is a work in progress there is still meaning to my existence.

I happen to deeply believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a purpose to all of the crazy, wacky, disturbing, and unsettling things that happen to me – whether I play a part in it or not. Even if I don’t understand all of it, it’s not my job to understand all of it.

I am not an accident.

In that moment, I reached for a post-it note and wrote that quote down in sharpie to tape to my bedroom wall.

Whether you believe in God or not, isn’t it a beautiful sentiment?

The way that you are, the things you feel, your shining moments along with your doubts and insecurities – they’re all what make you, you. You are the way that you are, undoubtedly. And no part of it is wrong. It is part of your humanness.

You are not wrong.

We all have flaws. Our flaws and struggles are a gift, given to us so that we may transcend them and help others see their way out of their hardships more clearly.

If you believe in Christian philosophies, then you have probably heard the phrase/affirmation:

“I am fearfully & wonderfully made” – Psalm 139:14

By believing this, you take away all of the shame and self-hatred that is seemingly normalized by today’s culture. If the person you are today is good and fair and kind and doing their best, then you can cut yourself some slack. You may not be the most organized, the most devout, the most patient, the most put together – but if you’re showing up each day and you care then you’re already on a respectable path.

You’re Trying.

Whatever value or criticism others tell you aside from what you know about yourself is simply an opinion. Take it as such. And note that their opinion doesn’t matter so much anyway. That’s one of the many reasons why it is so important to get to know yourself, so you won’t live your life at the will of what other people tell you.

Ultimately, you’re the one who has to wake up each morning and live your life. So take it easy on yourself. Be kind to you. You’re not an accident. You have a purpose. Whether you assign yourself one, seek to find the one that God/the Universe has set for you, or don’t know exactly what it is yet – remember your worth and value.

As Elizabeth Gilbert wonderfully said in her new book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear:

“The Fact that you are here – a creation of God – is proof that you deserve to be here.”

Exist. Take up space. Unapologetically. It’s your birthright.

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Overcoming Thoughts of Spiritual Betrayal (by God)

SOURCE: Dr. Gregory Jantz/AACC

If you have faith in God, depression can be similar to a betrayal by him.

After all, you have trusted him to care for you, yet you are still depressed.  You may have heard from your childhood that, as a Christian, you were to experience and exhibit joy, peace, patience—all the fruit of the Spirit spoken of in Galatians 5:22-23.  This sense of betrayal may haunt your sleepless nights and invade your despairing thoughts.  Feeling forgotten by God, you may even be angry at him.

This anger at God can contribute to your depression by provoking feelings of guilt.  You don’t think you should be angry at God, or you don’t think you have the right to be angry at God, so you feel guilty when you pray, the more you are convinced that he could fix it, but he won’t .  You doubt his love.  But you’ve also memorized John 3:16, which begins, “For God so loved the world…” so you’ve been told he does love you.  Looking at all of this, you conclude he’s got a lousy way of showing his love, at least to you.

Or you may think, Perhaps I don’t deserve his love.  Maybe he doesn’t change my situation because I don’t deserve joy and peace in my life.  Possibly the things I’ve done are so bad that he wants to love me but can’t because of who I am.  And if God can’t love me, then I’m not really worthy to be loved by anyone.  And if my life is to be empty of love, hope is impossible.  If you look at it this way, depression is completely understandable.

Or is it?

Have you picked up the stream of thoughts in this line of reasoning?

It takes snippets of truth—God loves you, and Christians are to live lives of joy—and twists those around into something meant to injure you, not give you comfort.  This line of reasoning is not from God; it is from the Deceiver.  Rage is a deceiver.  False guilt is a deceiver.  Abject despair is a deceiver.  Depression is a deceiver.  That is why when you are in the midst of depression, you must replace your own negative self-talk with God-talk, which is based upon truth.  This God-talk will support your positive self-talk by agreeing with affirming statements, such as these:

  • I deserve love. (“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” – John 3:16)
  • I deserve joy. (“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away” –Isaiah 51:11)
  • I am strong enough to learn and grow each day. (“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect” – 2 Samuel 22:33)
  • I can experience contentment in my life. (“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” – Philippians 4:12)
  • I am able to respond to my circumstances, instead of react. (“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” – Romans 12:2)
  • I can look forward to tomorrow. (“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” –Lamentations 3:22-23)

How do you fill your life and your mind with God-talk?

The Bible is full of life-affirming messages.  It is, at its heart, a love story.  It is a story of a loving God, who created you to love you and to be loved by you.

Like every great story, there is a separation, which must be overcome by terrible sacrifice.  Through God’s sacrifice of his Son, Jesus, you are able to confidently say, “I can live happily ever after.”

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Authored by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center • A Place of HOPE  and author of 35 books.