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The Purpose of Confronting Controllers

Mark 8:31-33 – “Jesus then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

One of the most important benefits of having boundaries is that we have the ability to stand up to others when they try to control our lives. Peter wanted to impose his own design for

Jesus’ life onto Jesus, but Jesus had good boundaries; he stood up to Peter and rebuked him.

Jesus showed that he was in control of himself and would not be defined and controlled by Peter, no matter how good Peter’s intentions might have been. The truth is that Peter was thinking, not of God’s purposes, but of his own agenda. Peter was trying to rescue Jesus instead of turning the situation over to God.

We must be on guard against anyone or anything that might take control of us. Self-control is the fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). When we have self-control, we maintain the ability to stand up to aggressive controllers who try to tell us who we should be and what we should do. Although we are wise to listen to others and be open to their feedback, we should never allow someone to be in control of us and define who we are. Setting appropriate boundaries helps us to retain that kind of freedom and self-control.

This devotional is drawn from The NIV Life Journey Bible, which features notes based on the precepts developed by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Pruning

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. – John 15:2

I am a Southerner. I wear shorts 10 months out of the year. I love college football. Ole Miss and Oxford, MS are just short of heaven. The only really good writers and musicians are from the South. Do I really need to make a list? When my wife and I lived in the Northeast US for a period of time, people would ask me to repeat things like “orange juice” and “y’all,” which I would happily do because I knew they were thinking “dumb redneck.” We Southerners like being underestimated.

As a true Southerner, we like our yards, flower beds, plants, and especially our trees. Walk through the piney woods of Mississippi and tell me you don’t see God. My wife and I are especially fond of crepe myrtle trees. We both think they epitomize beauty and hospitality. Crepe myrtles are the subject of a very contentious debate among we Southerners (we like feuds). The debate hinges on whether you should prune them or not. Pruning “deniers” call this crepe myrtylcide. I happen to agree with the authority on all things Southern, Southern Living Magazine, which states:

“Late winter (right now) is the best time to prune a crepe myrtle, because it’s leafless and you can easily see all of the branches. It also blooms on new growth, so pruning now won’t reduce blooming. In fact, it may increase it.”

To produce new growth, to bear new fruit, to bloom – I have to subject my life to God’s pruning. Throughout my years of separation from Him, I found only He could restore me to sanity. Living in recovery means opening my life daily to His pruning…and His restoration. Drawing close to Him by recognizing God as the only one who can restore me means openness to His authority.

What insanity is running unchecked in your life? Have you realized you are powerless to control it? Does it control you? Have you tried to stop over and over again only to slide right back into what you swore you would never do again. Don’t let that shame rule your psyche. Admit you are powerless, your life has become unmanageable. Then take the second step. Realize only God can restore you to sanity by pruning the unmanageable from you. His intervention is often painful but always necessary…so that you will bear more fruit.

Keith B. – NotUnknown.com

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Should a Pastor be Fired if He’s Viewing Porn? | Covenant Eyes

Ask adult Christians what should be done if their pastor is using pornography, and 41% say “He/she should be fired or asked to resign.”* Another 29% say the pastor should take a leave of absence until he/she stops using porn. Those over 50 years of age were more adamant about that—47% of age 51-69 and 57% of age 70+ were ready to can the pastor. But only 35% of age 25-30 and 27% of age 31-50 felt that way.

Wow! If that were the case, a lot of pastors would be out of a job! More than half (57%) of pastors say they are either currently struggling (14%) or have struggled in the past (43%) with pornography, and 33% of the ones currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

Among youth pastors, the numbers are higher: 64% say they are struggling (21%) or have struggled in the past (43%). A whopping 56% of those currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

It is not surprising that pastors think a little differently than the 41% of lay people who say pastors should be fired. Only 8% of pastors think that a pastor “should be fired or asked to resign” if found using porn.

And it is even less surprising to find out that 55% of those using porn “live in constant fear of being discovered.” No kidding! I know of many pastors who, upon being discovered, lose their careers, their families, their homes, their friends, everything. Some have even ended their own lives as a result of being discovered.

What solutions do pastors suggest?

  • 82% said they should find a professional counselor.
  • 59% said they should find “a group of mature Christians who can hold him accountable.”
  • Only 1% of the pastors said that the congregation should be told.

But congregations are unaware of the scope of the problem. Awareness precedes understanding, and understanding precedes action. Once the people understand how addictive porn is and recognize that pastors are as prone to the sin as anyone else, they can take action.

If there is no problem among your pastors, that’s great! But as the pastors themselves say, accountability is the best preventive medicine. How devastating it would be to coast along, thinking there will be no problem, only to find out you need to rehabilitate or replace a key staff person. How disrupting to the ministry, how costly for the counseling, how humiliating for the staff—all of which could be headed off by installing Covenant Eyes on all of the staff computers to maintain accountability and have open and transparent conversations.

It would be like the Black Plague on the church if all of the struggling pastors had to resign. I believe they need help, not banishment. I also believe we need to educate the church that porn is a pervasive problem, and pastors are human, too. If we force pastors to live in constant fear, we force them to NOT seek help, the very help they know is needed.

The majority of those who struggle know what must be done–they need professional counseling along with accountability partners. But they aren’t going to seek that help if they can’t admit they struggle, and they can’t admit they struggle if they know they’re out the door the next minute. We need to meet them at the foot of the cross, where Christ took on the burden of our sins, as well as those of our pastors.

*All data in this article are from The Porn Phenomenon, a 2016 study by the Barna Group.

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Partners, Addicts & Empathy

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/partners-addicts-empathy/

I heard a beautiful story the other day that reminded me of the power of empathy in relationships impacted by sex addiction.

An addict with several years of sobriety—in recovery for more than 10 years—came home from his weekly meeting with his sponsor. He’s been working through the 12 steps again, and was finishing his work on Step 9—Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

His sponsor told him that sometimes we hurt people but we have no idea because the person we hurt doesn’t tell us. The addict thought about it and asked his partner this question:

Is there anything I’ve done in the past that caused harm to you that I might not be aware of?

As you might imagine, this became one of those deeply healing moments between a sex addict and his partner when she knows that his recovery is real. She knows because he is accountable, vulnerable, and empathic.

One of the most consistent complaints I hear from partners of sex addicts is that the sex addict in their life lacks empathy.

Empathy is defined as:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”

There are several reasons addicts—especially those who are newly sober or in the first year of recovery—struggle with empathy.

An addict’s capacity for feeling and emotion is typically blunted or inaccessible. Addictive behaviors temporarily help addicts manage their emotions, numb out, or protect them from pain, fear, and shame.

In early recovery, addicts wage a fierce internal battle to stop a behavior or substance they’ve used for years—perhaps decades. Because much of their energy is being channeled toward recovery work, there is little additional energy or internal space for addicts to take in the feelings or reality of other people—even those closest to them. It doesn’t mean addicts don’t love their partners. It just means that addiction is powerful and consuming.

Another reason addicts struggle with empathy is that addiction is a one-person system. The hallmarks of addiction are secrecy, isolation, preoccupation, and unmanageability. Whether it’s food, sex, gambling, or a substance—the addictive substance or behavior is an addict’s Higher Power and his God.

Lastly, addicts lack access to their own empathy because they’re protecting themselves from their own shame. In other words, if they allow themselves to think about and reflect on the pain they’ve caused their partner (or others), they fear they will be overwhelmed and debilitated by their shame.

5 ways addicts can improve their capacity for empathy:

1

Shame is one of the biggest barriers to empathy. Feeling shame and remorse about your past behavior is healthy, but the kind of shame that tells you you’re worth-less or defective is toxic shame. And this is the shame you need to release.

Find ways to release and reduce shame. One of the most powerful ways to reduce shame is to disclose to safe people what you feel shame about. Often, just the simple act of telling another person the truth about yourself and what you’ve done can be liberating and empowering.

2

Participation in communities of support like 12-step meetings helps addicts increase their capacity for empathy. The emotional stakes are low—and the nervous system is calmer—when listening to people with whom you’re not in a long-term committed relationship. It is often much easier for addicts to listen to and empathize with other addicts, or the other addict’s partner, as they listen to their experiences and challenges.

3

Couples recovery or therapy groups are also highly effective in increasing empathy because the addict has an opportunity to hear directly from other partners who’ve had experiences similar to—or even identical with—his partner. Again, because there is no emotional investment or concern over losing his relationship, addicts are better able to take in the reality of the other partner.

In fact, partners of sex addicts have the same experience when participating in “S” couples recovery or therapy groups—meaning they’re able to understand the addict’s recovery in a new way, or even empathize with his struggles through hearing the stories of other addicts in the room.

While it may be frustrating for partners that the addict is more receptive to what another partner said rather than to what she said, it is very common for people in general to have less difficulty taking in challenging or even painful information from someone they’re not emotionally attached to.

4

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine how they might feel. Make a practice of asking yourself how you would feel if you were having the same experience as another person or if you were in their situation. Consider how it might feel to be a member of a different ethnic group, gender, religion, race, or skin color than you. When doing an exercise like this, it’s easier to start with someone you know casually but have little, or no, tension or conflict with—then build your way up to people you are closer to.

5

Nonverbal cues or body language are often a more accurate and revealing picture of what’s happening with another person than the words spoken.

A person’s body language says a lot about their internal state. When people feel shame they often lower their head or cover their face. When sad, they may appear hunched over or closed off.  When someone feels confident they’re usually sitting or standing more upright and have an alert, positive expression on their face. Begin noticing people’s body language as a way of understanding their internal emotional state.

Want to learn more about empathy and take a quiz to see how empathic you are? Read Roman Krznaric’s article, Six Habits of Highly Empathic People, here. Mr. Krznaric is is a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London and an empathy advisor to organizations including Oxfam and the United Nations.

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I am broken – wholeness (1)

Originally posted at: https://manliveup.wordpress.com/2017/02/01/i-am-broken-wholeness-1/

by LiveUP1

Many of us have been sleepwalking through life due to the nature of this fallen world, the mistakes of our past and an enemy who keeps throwing this junk at us.  The enemy wants you asleep at the switch.  He wants you in denial.  He wants you turning to medication.

God wants more. Just imagine what it would look like for God to break through in your life and your family.  Ask him to do “immeasurably more” (Eph 3:20)

If we will allow Him, God will show us the compromises we’ve made in our lives, the idols we turn to and the past hurts which have shaped us.  You’re either growing in wholeness or moving in brokenness.  Growing in wholeness is not a destination.  It’s a journey.  It’s a process.  We will not get “there” in this life.  This is a call to wholeness, not perfection.  It is being restored and put back together.  It starts with owning the specific brokenness in my life.  Judging others, constantly measuring myself vs. others and putting myself above others, etc.

You’ve heard of the clinical term of dissociation.  It’s a survival mechanism.  It’s a gift in our design from God to provide a path of survival for us in a trauma until we can come of age and get the resources we need to be able to go back and deal with it.  It is why we may block things out of our memory until such a time that a safe place has been provided to bring it out.  One of the ways God gives us to heal is our ability to name our story truthfully.  Not diminish it but to name it to one or a few safe people.  The more you’re able to tell your story truthfully will be the extent to which you’ll be able to heal.

The Holy Spirit tells us He desires truth in our innermost being (Psalm 51:6) “You desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.”  Denying reality is a gift – for a time – for your protection.  But there comes a time where we need to grow up and with Jesus step into more and more healing.  There comes a time to come clean and own it.

Almost everyone has had some impactive trauma in their life (and thus, going on in their body). How it manifests is going to be very, very different.  Like a young boy whose father left the family and there was nothing the boy could do to stop it.  He had sensations in his body he had to deal with – and – likely, he had to shut down and dissociate because of deep anxiety or feeling sick to his stomach or rage that was overwhelming.  So, he shut down and now it contributes in his adult life.  He may not possess the range of emotions in him that God intended for him to have and it might be causing all sorts of issues i.e. his wife saying “Why are you so unavailable to me emotionally?”

It’s a lot to unpack with the Father but know this – Jesus wants healing for your heart.  Jesus is all about restoration and nothing is beyond His reach.  Nothing is too difficult, nothing is too old for Him, nothing is ever too broken or out of His reach.

In the beginning, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed.  Transparent and vulnerable.  Nothing to fear, nothing to hide.  Free will gave us the chance to choose God or choose self.  Sin came.  They went to hiding, fear and danger.  Jesus came to restore us.  Isaiah 61:1 “The Lord has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to the prisoners.”  Jesus claimed this verse for his ministry.

Are you poor?  Are you brokenhearted?  Are you captive to darkness?  Mourning?  World seems to be ashes?  Are you in despair?  Jesus says He came to give you life and give it to abundantly.

I am broken.  Own it.  What are the signs?

            Stressed out trying to be everything others expect me to be?

            Do you battle fear and anxiety on a regular basis?

            Feel numb to life more often than you’d like to admit?

            Do you go long stretches where there is little or no joy in your heart?

            Accused of being driven and you don’t even know why you’re so driven?

            Or do you hold back and never take risks

            Are you thin skinned and easily offended?

            Afraid of relationships and intimacy?  Of being transparent and being known?

            Do you turn to relief instead of restoration?

            Plagued by bitterness, resentment, guilt or regret?  Cynical about life?

            Are there things you can’t stop doing but no matter how hard you try?

These are symptoms – they point to the disease.  What are some of the sources?

  1. My own sinful choices.  Decisions I’ve made that have brought great pain into my life.  I can’t shift the blame to anyone else.  Sin destroys and fractures our souls.
  2. Other’s sins.  Sin impacts a lot of others around us.  Some of us have deep hurts and wounds because of the sinful choices of others.
  3. Living in a fallen world.  Death, illness, crime, the economy.  They collect in our soul.
  4. The Enemy.  He deceives us.  Lies to your face.  He will do whatever it takes to keep us in our brokenness.

What do we tend to do with our brokenness?

  1. Deny.  We rationalize or shift the blame.  Or we stuff it in denials.
  2. Hide. “Everybody is desperately insecure.  Deep down, we are all convinced that if people knew who we really are, they would reject us.  So, we find ways to hide or cover our perceived weaknesses.”  (Paul Tournier)  We hide in all kinds of ways.  We isolate. We pose – living an act, putting on a mask hoping we can fool everyone.
  3. Perform.  Perform to overcome our brokenness.  We become perfectionists.  Our identity becomes the things we do, how we perform.  Just another way of hiding.

None of these will heal our brokenness.  The only way to do that is to take it to God.

  1. We must first own it.  Psalm 32:5 “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity … and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
  2. Embrace it.  Embrace the reality that I am broken and need God’s healing.  Enemy lies to us about the very fact that we are broken.  Paul says, “When I am weak, then I am strong.”  God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.  As long as we fight weakness and do everything we can to show that I am not, we will continue down the road to brokenness.
  3. Submit it.  We cannot move to wholeness without going through total surrender to God.  Wholeness begins in surrendering it to God.
  4. Receive God’s provision.  His promise is to make me whole.  He will keep His promise. It may be immediately, it may be over time but He will not leave us alone.  He will restore!

The Gospel brings beauty out of brokenness.  God is working everything for our good.  The painful times sharpen us and draw us into deeper relationship with Him.  God’s plans are good.  But we must trust His timing, not ours.