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10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency

SOURCE:   Sharon Martin, LCSW / PsychCentral

Codependency is often misunderstood. It’s not just a label to slap on the spouse of every alcoholic. It encompasses a wide-range of behavior and thought patterns that cause people distress to varying degrees. I hope this article will help clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you to understand codependency better.

  • Codependency is a response to trauma. You probably developed codependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or codependent family. As a child in an overwhelming situation, you learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life. For some people, the trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly “normal”, you may have experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma responses down to you.
  • Codependency feels shameful. The foremost shame researcher, Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction, or unemployment. We all know that there’s still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental illness, so we’re afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. Shame grows when we can’t tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are our fault and the direct result of our flaws. We come to believe that we’re not as good as everyone else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject, or abandon us.
  • Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs. Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process. Many codependents describe feeling addicted to another person; the relationship has an obsessive quality that’s hard to quit even when you know it’s unhealthy. Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might ask yourself, “Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you’re not sure who you are. And your loved one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You’re both dependent on each other in an unhealthy way (this the “co” in codependent).
  • Codependents are very sensitive to criticism. Codependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we’ve dealt with a lot of hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives. We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We’ll bend over backward to keep other people happy and divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we try to stay “small and quiet” so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves.
  • Codependents are super responsible. Codependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbors don’t hear the yelling. Most of us were very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents, siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance. We find it easier to care for others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working. But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when we do more than our share.
  • Codependents wall off their own feelings. Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that codependents often employ. However, we can’t wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder to fully enjoy life’s joys, as well. Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your coworker takes credit for your work in an important meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you’ve been mistreated, which isn’t OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it. If you pretend or convince yourself that you’re not hurt or angry, you’ll continue to allow people to take credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.
  • Codependents don’t ask for what they need. One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our feelings, we don’t know what we need. And it’s impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to meet them when you don’t even know what they are. And because of our low self-esteem, we don’t feel worthy to ask our partner, friends, or employer for what we need from. The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be met, but it’s much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or waiting until we’re full of rage).
  • Codependents give, even when it hurts. Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of codependency. What makes it unhealthy is that codependents will put their time, energy, and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes them distress or hardship. This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.
  • Codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis. Many people with codependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma and genetics, but codependency itself isn’t a mental disorder. Also, remember that going to counseling or psychotherapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty and defective, but that doesn’t mean you are!
  • You can change your codependent patterns. People can recover from codependency. I’m not going to lie and tell you it’s easy, but I do know it’s possible. Change is a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a little uncomfortable in the process. You may find that professional therapy is very helpful in addition to self-help resources such as books or 12-step programs (Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Codependents Anonymous are popular choices).   Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change it.

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When a Musician Gets Sober, Can You Hear It?

Originally posted at: https://www.thefix.com/when-musician-gets-sober-can-you-hear-it

By Paul Fuhr 08/18/17

When James Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held.

Metallica frontman

When artists embrace sobriety, their music and lives are often profoundly changed.

In early sobriety, I collected vinyl records with the same empty, single-minded purpose that I used to collect drinking buddies. I’d spend an hour gathering records I hoped would impress the checkout person—not even necessarily albums I wanted. Like my barstool friends, the records were just props. I just wanted that split-second jolt of acknowledgment, a momentary rush of being appreciated. Truth be told, it’s never happened. Not once. I’ve never had a handshake, high-five or even so much as a nod from a record shop clerk. Recently in a record shop, somewhere between the “G” and “H” sections, I became overwhelmed with a sense of wonder about artists and groups that have decades-spanning careers. Unless you’re Led Zeppelin, it’s damn near impossible to have every one of your records be vital (I’m looking at you, R.E.M.’s Around the Sun)—especially if you’re struggling with as many external forces as you are internal ones.

Volumes have been written about musicians, addiction and recovery—so much so that those stories are almost as predictable and well-worn as overused hooks and choruses. What’s not clear, however, is how sobriety has impacted the music itself. When a singer-songwriter gets sober, can you hear it in between the notes? Does a group sound battered and hollowed out, but somehow better for it? Is the music jarringly different like when Natalie Merchant left 10,000 Maniacs, yet they still toured as 10,000 Maniacs? (P.S. That was insane.) Here are some artists and groups who changed their behaviors and, as a result, had the notes of their careers change on them in ways that are as fascinating as they are profound.

Trent Reznor

15 years of sobriety doesn’t simply inform the Nine Inch Nails frontman’s music now, but it’s in direct contrast to the haunted, darkly industrial mood NiN evokes. In an interview with Fast Company, Reznor revealed that “getting sober and getting my life in order has really changed my perspective on the creative process. It used to be fraught with fear.” He added that he “would try to trick myself into avoiding working, because it was the most difficult, painful self-examination imaginable. That process is no less difficult, but it’s become actually enjoyable.” I’d argue that his triptych of David Fincher soundtracks (The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Gone Girl) are as vital and alive as anything he produced with NiN, if not more so. In fact, each wordless track (composed with Atticus Ross) is textured and layered in ways that, say, Reznor’s influential The Downward Spiral doesn’t even aspire to be. No matter what, the frenetic, pulse-pounding track “In Motion” off The Social Network remains directly tied to my sobriety in that it was the first song I put on repeat after getting out of treatment. Even now, “In Motion” somehow recalls the sound of my own brain chemistry percolating and changing, bringing me to a better understanding of who I really am.

Eric Clapton

The Crossroads at Antigua founder (also the same man who spurred a rash of “Clapton is God” graffiti in the 1970s) is an unarguably different artist in sobriety than he was when he was drinking and using. I once detailed how Clapton’s alcoholic past is ruining his musical present, in that he’s suffering from peripheral neuropathy as a result of his drinking: “Clapton’s battle with substance abuse has been in the spotlight for decades. In fact, at one point, it was quite literally in the spotlight. His heroin addiction had spun so far out of control that he passed out during the 1971 Concert for Bangladesh at Madison Square Garden.” An NPR profile on the “Cocaine” singer also revealed that he was spending $16,000 per week (about $55,000 in today’s dollars) on heroin. Ever since he got sober in 1986, though, he’s been present in a way that’s almost painful. When his son Conor died tragically in 1991, Clapton didn’t retreat to the bottle—he faced the pain, full-on. In fact, hearing his beautiful “Tears in Heaven” beats those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials by a narrow margin in its ability to reduce me to tears. Sobriety has brought a clarity to his studio albums that’s impossible to ignore—especially in his most recent effort, I Still Do, which was widely praised by critics for a refined, confident sound that can only be attributed to his recovery.

Phish

The jam band’s frontman Trey Anastasio was notoriously out of his mind on drugs and alcohol for much of Phish’s early run—so much so that the group broke up in 2004. A Rolling Stone profile revealed that much of Anastasio’s rock bottom was on full display for Phish fans, too: “At the band’s 2004 farewell concert in Coventry, Vermont, Anastasio actually appeared to be nodding off onstage, but things only got worse from there.” After a few arrests, community service and treatment, Anastasio finally managed to break out of his downward spiral, releasing six studio albums, composing a Broadway musical, and reuniting with Phish. He’s also now an advocate for the National Association of Drug Court Professionals, through which he shared his story of recovery on Capitol Hill. While some critics continue to level complaints at Phish’s self-indulgent jams, there’s certainly nothing self-indulgent about Anastasio’s commitment to recovery.

Wilco

I’m not sure when Wilco transitioned from being an indie darling to a confused act that suddenly lost its way, but I’m guessing it’s when lead singer Jeff Tweedy found sobriety. Wilco once effortlessly churned out one flawless album after another (a mantle eventually stolen by Arcade Fire), but you could suddenly almost hear them laboring to put their music together with inert records like Sky Blue Sky. “There is some creativity to being an addict. It’s a hard job. It’s a lot of work for every aspect of my life. There’s still a part of me that will always be an addict and that’s part of how I am defined,” Tweedy told Vice. That said, in hindsight, it’s fascinating to watch the arc of Tweedy’s recovery play out over the course of several albums, culminating in 2015’s beautiful Star Wars. Tweedy demonstrates a daring that’s both creative and confident, thanks to knowing exactly who he is and what he’s capable of. He’s also put together a side act simply named Tweedy that’s just him and his son Spencer, which is both touching and a testament to healing.

Brian Wilson

I’d love to say Pet Sounds and the genius of The Beach Boys was embroidered into my musical DNA, but it’s not. No, the most I’d known about Brian Wilson was that he once stayed in a bed for years, growing to 300 pounds—or so the Barenaked Ladies tune goes. That genius is debatable, much like staring at the splatter-smart artwork of Jackson Pollock and wondering if the work truly is art. Looking at Wilson’s music career, he went from being a meticulous technician constantly tweaking the most minute details (hilariously sent up in the criminally underseen Walk Hard) to a moribund, overweight recluse, crippled by drug abuse and mental illness. Wilson overdosed in 1982 on cocaine, alcohol and other drugs, which resulted in him getting kicked out of the Beach Boys. And while he spent the next few years in the controversial care of Dr. Eugene Landy, Wilson recovered and released an acclaimed, self-titled solo album. He’s since released ten albums, been the recipient of numerous awards (including two Grammys), was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, reunited with the Beach Boys, and was the subject of three films—a far cry from the pained work of someone struggling with addiction who couldn’t get out of his own way.

Metallica

If you haven’t seen Some Kind of Monster, Joe Berninger’s fascinating 2004 documentary about the torturous process of creating Metallica’s St. Anger, go watch it now. I’ll wait. Done? Good, now we can talk about what it says about the impact of recovery on the creative process. Set aside the turmoil and strife and Lars’ temper-tantrums. Even ignore the group sorting out its problems on camera. Some Kind of Monster is the can’t-look-away chronicle of an uber-popular band plagued with problems—chief among them being Hetfield’s alcoholism. When Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held. “Rehab really worked for me,” Hetfield told podcaster Joe Rogan, describing how he was torn “down to bones.” And you can see that in the thrash-rocker’s face in the documentary. But there’s a big distance between the blood-and-anvil cover of Kill ‘Em All and the sight of the band members arguing over studio schedules around a conference room table. They might not be the vital band they once were, but it doesn’t diminish their endurance or resiliency. And while St. Anger might not be a great album, it (like Metallica) still exists—and that’s a minor miracle itself.

Neil Young

When Neil Young gave up drinking and drugs in 2011, he was shutting the door on 40 years of substance misuse. According to a New York Times profile, the prolific activist-rocker used to smoke “pot the way others smoke cigarettes”—a habit that, in sobriety, has challenged Young as much as it’s opened him up to new creative perspectives: “The straighter I am, the more alert I am, the less I know myself and the harder it is to recognize myself,” he said. “I need a little grounding in something and I am looking for it everywhere.” Drug addiction has coursed through Young’s life as much as its consequences have. In fact, in 1975, he released the mournful Tonight’s the Night—a pitch-black album that’s a reaction to the drug-induced deaths of his bandmate Danny Whitten and his friend/roadie Bruce Berry. It’s difficult to frame Young’s recent sobriety against a career that spans a staggering forty-plus studio albums, but perhaps the notoriously prickly site Pitchfork put it best in its review of Young’s 2016 Peace Trail: “While Young’s voice has certainly never sounded older than it does here, there’s something youthful about his energy [and] his music is guided by a restless determination to cover new ground.” For anyone in the twilight years of their career, it’s encouraging, if not electrifying, to see an artist able to change—especially if that means finally surrendering themselves.

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The Anger Iceberg

SOURCE:  Kyle Benson/Gottman Institute

Have you ever wondered why we get angry? According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, “emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.”

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman tells us that anger causes blood to flow to our hands, making it easier for us to strike an enemy or hold a weapon. Our heart rate speeds up and a rush of hormones – including adrenaline – create a surge of energy strong enough to take “vigorous action.” In this way, anger has been ingrained into our brain to protect us.

The purpose of anger

Think of anger like an iceberg, a large piece of ice found floating in the open ocean. Most of the iceberg is hidden below the surface of the water. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath the surface. It’s easy to see a person’s anger but can be difficult to see the underlying feelings the anger is protecting.

For example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. He didn’t like his reactions, but he felt he couldn’t help it. As he worked on mindfulness and started noticing the space between his anger and his actions, he opened up the door into a profound realization.

He didn’t really have an anger problem. Instead, he felt like his wife was placing impossible demands on him. By seeking to understand and accept his anger, rather than fix or suppress it, he began to improve his marriage by recognizing his anger as a signal that he needed to set healthy boundaries for what he would and would not do.

Dave’s story points out an important concept. As Susan David, Ph.D., author of Emotional Agility says, “Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves and can prompt insights into important life directions.” Her point is there is something more below the surface of our anger.

Anger as a protector of raw feelings

Anger is often described as a “secondary emotion” because people tend to use it to protect their own raw, vulnerable, overwhelming feelings. Underneath Dave’s anger was pure exhaustion and feeling that he wasn’t good enough for his wife. So his anger was protecting him from deeply painful shame.

Learning to recognize anger as a protector of our raw feelings can be incredibly powerful. It can lead to healing conversations that allow couples as well as children and parents to understand each other better.

Below is what we call the Anger Iceberg because it shows the “primary emotions” lurking below the surface. Sometimes it’s embarrassment, loneliness, exhaustion, or fear.

anger-iceberg-1

3 tips for listening to anger

One of the most difficult things about listening to a child or lover’s anger, especially when it’s directed at us, is that we become defensive. We want to fight back as our own anger boils to the surface. If this happens, we get in a heated verbal battle which leaves both parties feeling misunderstood and hurt. Here are three powerful tips for listening to anger.

1. Don’t take it personally

Your partner or child’s anger is usually not about you. It’s about their underlying primary feelings. To not taking this personally takes a high level of emotional intelligence.

One of the ways I do this is by becoming curious of why they’re angry. It’s much easier for me to become defensive, but I’ve found thinking, “Wow, this person is angry, why is that?” leads me on a journey to seeing the raw emotions they are protecting and actually brings us closer together.

2. Don’t EVER tell your partner to “calm down”
When I work with couples and one of the partners get angry, I have witnessed the other partner say, “Calm down” or “You’re overreacting.” This tells the recipient that their feelings don’t matter and they are not acceptable.

The goal here is not to change or fix your partner’s emotions but rather to sit on their anger iceberg with them. Communicate that you understand and accept their feelings.

When you do this well, your partner’s anger will subside and the primary emotion will rise to the surface. Not to mention they will feel heard by you, which builds trust over time.

Maybe you grew up in a family where anger wasn’t allowed, so when your partner expresses it, it feels paralyzing and you freeze. Or maybe you try to solve their anger for them because their anger scares you. Open yourself up to experience you and your partner’s full spectrum of emotions.

3. Identify the obstacle
Anger is often caused by an obstacle blocking a goal. For example, if your partner’s goal is to feel special on their birthday and their family member missing their special day makes them angry, identifying the obstacle will give you insight into why they’re angry.

The bottom line is that people feel angry for a reason. It’s your job to understand and sit with them in it. By doing so, you will not only help them to understand their anger, but you will become closer to them in the process.

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Is Pornography Considered Adultery?

SOURCE:  Leslie Vernick

Sadly, many men struggle with pornography and sexual addiction these days. Satan has a foothold into men’s hearts and homes, and the church hasn’t done a very good job at validating the devastating effects this habit has on one’s mind, body, spirit and marriage.

Perhaps some church leaders are reluctant to come down hard on this problem because they fear what might happen. According to surveys conducted by Barna Research, a sizable percentage of pastors also struggle with pornography problems.

Secular research and brain science are starting to speak about the damaging effects of watching pornography. Here is a link to an article and TED talk that is sobering to watch. Every adult and ministry leader should watch this.

Jesus takes this issue of pornography very seriously. He says, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even your good eye – causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand – even your stronger hand – causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-30

Jesus says don’t mess around with this. He tells people to take decisive action if they have this problem. Gouging out your eye or cutting off your hand will not keep you from lusting, but what Jesus meant was, DO what it takes to deal with this problem NOW. Sadly, many men don’t listen.

Instead, they play with fire thinking they won’t get burned. But they’re wrong. The Bible is full of warnings about sexual immorality and the consequences of unbridled lust.

For example, Paul writes, “there should be no sexual immorality among us and that such sins have no place among God’s people.” He goes on to say, “we should not be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.” And later he tells us to “expose the worthless deeds of evil and darkness.” (See Ephesians 5).

Does this mean porn is the same as adultery? Jesus says it is, as does Peter (2 Peter 2:14). And if it’s repeated and unrepentant, it may be Biblical grounds for divorce. The question that determines what happens next is what is a man’s response to his problem with pornography and lust?

Does he hate it? Is he repentant? Is he doing everything within his power to stop and eliminate this habit, even when it costs him? For example, is he willing to be without the Internet? Is he willing to put controls on his computer? Is he going for help with his thought life? Is he honest and open with others about his struggle and is he willing to be held accountable? And, is he grateful for a wife who holds him accountable for his behaviors so that he doesn’t burn himself and his entire family down to the ground with his own foolish fantasies?

If so, then a Christian wife’s response would be to be gracious and forgiving, coupled with an uncompromising stance against allowing such evil in her home and marriage. No woman in her right mind, Christian or otherwise, would allow her husband to bring another woman into their home to have sex.

In the same way, if he is not repentant or desiring to change, no woman should turn the other way or close her eyes to knowing her husband is ogling another woman or watching pornography. It degrades her, demeans him, and demeans the women he ogles.

It’s time women draw a line in the sand for the wellbeing of their marriage, family, and their spouse and say, “No more. If that’s what you want I can’t stop you, but I won’t live like this.”

This is a tough stance but Jesus and Scripture call for tough stances. If your husband won’t, you must. If you don’t your husband will continue to behave as if he can have his cake and eat it too. He can enjoy all the perks of home, marriage, and even family but still live treacherously and lustfully. Don’t let him.

Remember, this is not just his life it’s yours too. Your strong stand may be the one thing that will get his attention and hopefully motivate him to face his issue. If he refuses, then it’s time you quit enabling his habit to destroy you and your children.

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How to Avoid Codependency When You Help Someone in Need

Great article for sponsors!

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Challenge Codependency occurs when we don’t have an accurate awareness of our boundaries and behaviors, and we allow someone else’s needs to control and take over our lives.

Solution You may be inclined to jump in and “save the world.” But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

“I’ve been in an accident,” Bethany whimpered. Her voice was filled with pain-staking fear. “I’m ok, but can you come get me?”

I assumed she meant the hospital. She was sitting in jail.

My blurry, tired eyes adjusted to the harsh glow of my cell phone as I looked at the time. If I left within the next few minutes, I’d have a head start on morning rush hour.

As I pulled up outside the Metro Detention Center, I saw Bethany waiting on the sidewalk for me. She stood there looking down at the ground with a defeated look on her face, perhaps still hungover. Her arms were crossed over her torso, clinched tight around her frame.

My door locks clicked. She got in my car, never lifting her head. Her disheveled hair draped over her eyes as if to hide her embarrassment. I didn’t even make it to the first traffic light before her face fell into her hands. Bethany let out deep sobs with diaphragmatic breaths. I offered a napkin from my center console.

“I hit a pole,” she quivered. “No one else was involved, but I think I have a drinking problem, and I honestly have no idea what to do right now.”

When you watch a friend or loved one struggle with pain in their life, your first response may be to do whatever it takes to ensure they don’t have to endure any more than they have to.

Why?

Although you care for that person, what you’re witnessing is uncomfortable for you, so you may be inclined to jump in and be the hero. But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

1. Show empathy
Though I had never been in Bethany’s situation, I knew what it was like to experience sadness. I was all too familiar with hurt, and I understood what it meant to feel shame. Bethany didn’t need me to tell her what she had done wrong. She knew, and if I spent time telling her what I think she should have done, it would have closed the door to trust.

2. Set and maintain boundaries
Bethany was in need of emotional support, and the circle of people she trusted was small. She was having trouble processing her feelings and was having anxiety over the legal consequences she’d have to endure. She called frequently, all hours of the night, and while I was at work.

After a few days, I had to let her know I couldn’t always answer the phone, so I sent her a text. “Hey, Bethany. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I can’t talk at the moment but let’s set aside a time later this week, and I’d be glad to listen to you.” It may have hurt her feelings, but it saved my sanity.

3. Remember it’s not your battle to fight
Bethany had lost her car, her job and her dignity. She was facing more jail time, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to watch her struggle. Part of me wanted to help her make everything go away, but I couldn’t step in and offer to pay her attorney or her court costs.

I knew that what was happening in her life was part of her journey, and if I disrupted the course, I would be denying her the lesson she was meant to learn. If Bethany was going to change, she would have to endure the consequences of her actions.

4. Realize you can’t change someone
I helped Bethany find several local AA meetings to attend and put her in touch with an outpatient recovery program, but I couldn’t make her go. It had to be her decision. Sometimes she went; sometimes she didn’t, and I couldn’t force her into making the choice I wanted for her.

5. Your feelings matter, too
Helping someone in need can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, angry, hurt, sad or frustrated. Not only is it ok to have these feelings, but you need to be able to express them to the person you’re helping. Sometimes I had to tell Bethany, “You know, what you’re going through is really tough, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with helping you right now.”

When you feel compelled to help someone with a serious problem, whether it’s out of love or as a favor to a friend, it could breed a codependent relationship if you continuously sacrifice your needs for the benefit of someone else. There are myriad reasons why you may find yourself in such situations, but by having an awareness of your own habits and behaviors, you can avoid a potentially dysfunctional relationship.