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Are You Unknowingly Passing Down Codependency to Your Children?

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/are-you-unknowingly-passing-down-codependency-to-your-children/

If you are a codependent and have children of your own, then there is a better than average chance that the codependent tendencies you have, will be passed down through a dysfunctional parenting style. One that has too many boundaries or not enough. Codependency is generational and many clients I work with have described one of their parents having the same codependent characteristics as they themselves do. I have often written about how childhood forms the basis for codependency. A child’s brain develops in relation to its connection with “others”, notably caregivers. When children are made to “fix” their environment to feel secure, they will take this attitude into adulthood. They are made to “fix” due to a dysfunctional connection and attachment to caregivers due to neglect, addict parents, abuse in all its forms or parenting style. This is why “ok” parents can still stoke the flames of codependency.

Before you connect with your child and understand what that means, it is vital to understand what your “little one” is going through. This means as a parent that you need to understand the developmental phases that they will naturally go through and adjust your parenting accordingly.

Swiss developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, developed a framework of phases that described how children move through four clear developmental stages, acquiring cognitive abilities as they go. While Piaget stated that some children would enter and exit each stage at different times and might even show signs of more than one stage, his theory is seen by many as the definitive framework showing the development of thought, judgment and knowledge in humans. It is essential that parents understand these stages and how they can coach their child through as best they can. At the same time, forgetting much of what they learnt from their own parents.

The four stages are as follows:

Sensorimotor Stage: Birth to 24 months. From being totally dependent at birth, children start to realise they are an individual at about nine months when a basic memory also starts to develop. They go from trial and error tasting, shaking and throwing to recognising objects and crawling with increased cognitive abilities.

Pre-operational Stage: Two to Seven. Children start to think symbolically but thinking is not yet logical. Language use is more mature and memory starts to increasingly develop. However, children do not generally have skills to regulate time, comparison and cause and effect.

Concrete Operational Stage: Seven to Eleven. Children will develop increasing skills to reason and think logically. They are less egocentric and more aware of external events. Peers become more interesting and much more of an influence. They often express views and opinions and can fathom differing opinions amongst a peer group. There are limited skills for abstract and hypothetical thinking.

Formal Operational Stage: Eleven Plus. Children inn this stage are able to understand abstract concepts such as fairness and justice and often use them amongst peers. They can formulate systemic thinking and hypotheses. They can ponder relationships and what this means to them. Peer groups and acceptance become important and a clear sense of identity is formed.

By the time children reach stages three and four, much damage could have been done by the parenting style adopted. In my opinion, the second stage is critical and contains the “terrible two’s”, a phase where children are often misunderstood.

Effective Strategies

Parents can make a huge difference to the way a child copes with the Terrible Twos. Parents are often frustrated and this causes a response that is either too hard or brings no response at all. Some parents even try to reason with their child. Some rush to the doctor and many children of this age are medicated to try to stop what is, in effect normal developmental behaviour. It is important to have a strategy for these difficult times based on consistency and understanding.

Try to understand and find out as much as you can about how children behave in this phase. Try to understand the difference between what is normal and not normal behaviour. Forewarned is forearmed. Be consistent around such things as biting, whining and aggression.

Plan your day around your child…don’t expect them to fit into yours. Don’t plan a trip close to sleep times or expect young children to cope with long days. In this case, crankiness means they are not coping well. Behavioural issues will escalate under these circumstances.

As a parent, it is essential to understand a child’s developmental phases and the new challenges and abilities each brings. Activities and boundaries have to be geared to this.

Have a strategy for tantrums. That means:

Understanding that tantrums often come from frustration not bad behaviour.

It helps to see things from the child’s perspective. Is the child hungry, tired, expected to do things that are beyond its capabilities?

When tantrums happen, understanding that physical connection in a calm, protective way helps. In times of increased emotion, do not smack, shout or walk away but stand calmly close by and on the same level.

Focus on child, not environment. In these moments, what other people think is not important.

Keep calm, compassionate and understanding. Avoid frustration. A hug for a 2 or 3 year old will often temper frustration and tantrums quickly. Get down to your child’s level. Towering above them with finger wagging or shouting will distress and scare them.

When To Seek Medical Advice

If you are doing all of the above effectively and it still doesn’t work, then medical and behavioural help may be needed. For example, many children who suffer from Disruptive Behavioural Disorder go without help. This is epitomised by long, frequent outbursts and the inability to do age appropriate tasks. There is a raised level of frustration and outbursts are stronger and much harder to cope with. Children with DBD often get “stuck” in an emotion and cannot calm down for over 20 minutes. In this case, medication might be required and behavioural and parental help needed. However, the ability to recognise such disorders will only come from an understanding of what is and is not normal behaviour.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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What You Didn’t Know About Codependency: Hidden Struggles

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/understanding-codependency-the-hidden-struggles/

I have been dealing with codependency for about 15 years and the amount of awareness about the condition has massively increased in that time. I would go as far as to say that if you grew up in a dysfunctional household as a child, there is a huge chance of codependency being a part of your life. Given that most people did in varying degrees, it shows the depth of the issue. It has its roots in child development and is driven by developmental and relational trauma and the acquisition of toxic shame. The feeling of ‘not being enough’ or ‘something wrong’ fuels the action of manipulating the environment to survive. This is done by overachieving, subduing ‘unacceptable’ parts of personality and ‘parenting the parent’ in order to gain connection and feel secure. This prevails into adulthood, leaving one unable to identify and meet personal needs and an external focus on the welfare of others.

Despite so many people identifying with the symptoms, there are still some who doubt its existence or hold derogatory views against anyone claiming to be codependent. This includes virtually all of the medical profession and indeed, some therapists. This is sad because even codependents do this to themselves. I have heard people describe themselves as weak or pathetic, narcissistic and comparing themselves to babies. This is normal in a codependent, victim based personality but it is rather alarming to see the way codependents are sometimes described on social media sites. I recently saw a YouTube video which has now been taken down. The video was posted by someone who documented various methods he had employed to deal with his codependent girlfriend including silent treatment, withholding affection and validation. He also said that he allowed her to practice her willingness to meet his every need to teach her a lesson that it won’t work to get what she wants. Sounds quite a catch and one can only hope that she finds someone who truly cares about her.

I have also heard codependents called “emotional vampires” and always “needy”. What these terms fail to realise is that codependents have been conditioned to behave in a certain way in order to get their needs met and its automatic. They manipulated their environment in childhood to gain what they needed. This is why it is very hard for them to see their behaviour as bad. They are the “good guys” and that can’t be wrong. However, it mirrors their childhood experiences and they know no other way but to control.

People who have codependency issues are often in denial. This denial tells them that they are the victims of something and they are the good side of any relationship. This denial is driven by the drama triangle, the preferred method of codependency control. Codependents usually hold a good deal of resentment due to the sacrifices they feel they make and the lack of expected return they receive. 

Anyone who has codependent traits need to test their motives continually as to why they are doing what they do. Many don’t and continue to live with the idea that they are being slighted and victimized. Part of this the natural urge to enmesh with others and lose identity. An essential element of managing codependency is the requirement to gain individuality and looks inwards rather than adopt an external focus. 

While codependents often see themselves as victims (and sometimes are), there is also a darker side to codependency. They can often be sensitive, angry people who can be extremely needy and smothering to anyone involved with them. On the other hand, they are extremely willing to do anything they can to be accepted, leaving the door open to manipulation and abuse. 

An interesting question that often goes through my mind is just where does codependency lie on the egoism and altruism continuum? Are codependents manipulators themselves, self-centered and only worried about themselves? Or are they the sacrificial altruists they often claim to be? I personally see codependents as extremely controlling and can be dominating in a passive-aggressive manner but also have a measure of goodwill and a helping aspect to their actions. The answer is not clear and probably lies somewhere squarely in the middle and varies depending on the individual. Let’s look at the differences. 

The contrast between egoism and altruism sheds light on the fundamental distinctions that exist between two extreme forms of human nature. Egoism and altruism are two distinct concepts that can be contrasted with one another. These examples illustrate two polar opposite sides of the human character. Egoism is the state of being overly concerned with one’s own interests to the exclusion of those of others. The opposite of egotism is altruism, which is the quality of giving without expecting anything in return. Psychologists have always been fascinated by the ever-changing nature of the human being, especially when it comes to the manner in which an individual’s acts might sometimes border on altruism and other times border on egoism. They claim that a variety of different elements influence the way in which certain activities interact with one another. 

An illustration is the best way to comprehend this point. A man who is married and has two children makes the decision to abandon his family because he feels as though they are holding him back. The family is struggling financially, and the wife and children are unable to contribute to the household income. The man concludes that the circumstances are intolerable and that he should not squander his life on such a pitiful circumstance; consequently, he simply departs from the situation. In this kind of situation, the person is entirely preoccupied with themselves. He lacks any sense of responsibility or consideration for the other members of the family and acts in a thoughtless manner. 

Some people have the opinion that being egotistic is inherent to the human condition. For instance, the philosopher Thomas Hobbes asserted that people are inherently self-centered in their behavior. His theory suggests that the fact that people are naturally self-centered is the root cause of the conflict that exists between humans. On the other hand, one cannot assert that every individual is self-centered. This can be grasped by gaining an understanding of the concept of altruism.

Altruism can simply be defined as unselfishness. It is when a person puts the needs of others even before himself. This is why it can be considered as the opposite of egoism. Such an individual is so concerned about others that he completely ignores himself. For example, take a soldier who sacrifices himself to save the others of his battalion, or else a parent that risks herself or himself to save the child. These are instances where an individual completely forgets his own self. In some situations altruism is at the cost of one’s own self. Then it is considered as a sacrifice. There is a strong moral obligation and also emotional attachment that makes the individual be altruistic. Some people believe that this should not be considered as altruism, because the individual puts themselves forward for another who is known to them. But altruism expands further. When an individual at a train station saves the life of another who is a complete stranger to them, risking their own life, this is also altruism.

If you read the above, most people would suggest that codependents are closer to the altruist end of the scale and they probably are. Most codependents are selfless and will often lose themselves in a relationship with scant regard for their own position. However, the resentment that builds from not receiving what they feel they should puts them very much in the egoism camp.

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Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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What does codependency really look like?

Originally posted at: https://samanthatorreslpc.com/2023/07/18/what-does-codependency-really-look-like/

Codependency is a complex issue that can greatly impact mental health and relationships. It involves a pattern of behavior where individuals become excessively reliant on others for their emotional well-being, often at the expense of their own needs and boundaries. In codependent relationships, one person may take on the role of the caretaker or rescuer, while the other assumes the role of the dependent or victim. This dynamic can be seen in various ways, such as enabling harmful behaviors, constantly seeking validation and approval, or sacrificing personal goals and desires to accommodate the other person’s needs.

Individuals experiencing codependency may struggle with low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty setting boundaries, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others. They often prioritize the needs and emotions of their partner above their own, neglecting their own well-being in the process. This can lead to a cycle of dissatisfaction, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Codependency can manifest in different ways within relationships, such as excessive control, a lack of autonomy, an inability to assert one’s own needs, or an intense fear of being alone. It may also involve enabling destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse or unhealthy habits, in an effort to maintain the relationship or avoid conflict.

Recognizing codependency in your relationships is the first step towards healing. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of others, feeling trapped in an unhealthy dynamic, or struggling with a lack of identity outside of your relationships, it may be time to seek support. With the help of a mental health therapist, you can explore the underlying causes of codependency, learn healthy boundaries, rebuild self-esteem, and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, you deserve to prioritize your own well-being and find a sense of balance in your interactions with others.

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Navigating Relationship Conflict: Establishing Boundaries and Autonomy

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/navigating-relationship-conflict-establishing-boundaries-and-autonomy/

In the context of interpersonal relationships, conflict is frequently seen as an indication of instability or incompatibility. However, when it is treated in a constructive manner, it has the potential to act as a catalyst for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger bonding. Partners are able to share common ground, declare limits, and practise personal autonomy when they embrace conflict with a collaborative and empathic perspective. This allows them to transform potential strife into chances for enrichment and mutual development.

Every partnership is built on the foundation of two distinct individuals, each of whom brings their own unique set of viewpoints, values, requirements, and aspirations to the table. The fact that each partner is navigating their own path while simultaneously attempting to combine it with their partner’s path inevitably results in conflict given these variances. When a dispute emerges, it is tempting to ignore or hide it in order to preserve harmony rather than confront it. On the other hand, confronting disagreements head-on while maintaining an open mind and a respectful demeanour might result in a more profound comprehension of one another. When couples are in disagreement with one another, they have the opportunity to communicate their genuine thoughts and emotions, which may not come to the surface during times of greater clarity. Through this transparency, trust and closeness are fostered, and it is revealed that the two parties share beliefs and ambitions, which can build the foundation of the relationship.

In order to successfully navigate conflict, it is essential to establish clear boundaries. Establishing and maintaining good boundaries is critical to the maintenance of a successful relationship, as they ensure that both partners feel respected and appreciated. In the normal course of events, conflict presents an opportunity to recognise and explain these boundaries. A quarrel might provide an opportunity for one partner to define and reinforce the boundaries that they have set for themselves when they feel that their limitations are being tested. During this process, not only are future misunderstandings avoided, but also the sense of self that each individual possesses within the context of the relationship is validated. Partners are better able to comprehend each other’s needs and expectations when they have clear boundaries, which results in a dynamic that is more balanced and in which both individuals feel secure and understood.

Equally as crucial is the implementation of personal autonomy within the context of a relationship. It is necessary for each partner to keep their own identity and independence in order for the relationship to be considered healthy. A healthy relationship is characterised by mutual support and dependency. Conflict has the potential to bring to light areas in which one partner may feel that they are being undervalued or overshadowed, which can then inspire essential conversations that reinforce personal autonomy. When these concerns are discussed honestly, it ensures that both parties are able to pursue their own personal interests and growth while still maintaining their commitment to the relationship. In order to achieve long-term relationship happiness, it is essential to strike a balance between independence and connection.

Active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise are three essential components of an effective conflict resolution strategy. The creation of a place for constructive discourse is facilitated when partners approach arguments with the intention of gaining an understanding rather than seeking victory. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary to listen to each other’s points of view without immediately passing judgement or becoming defensive. In this context, empathy is of utmost importance since it enables partners to comprehend the problem from the perspectives of one another and to acknowledge the emotions that each other is experiencing. The ability to compromise is also essential since it exhibits a willingness to find solutions that are mutually acceptable and demonstrates respect for the requirements of each other.

Additionally, discussing conflict in a healthy manner helps to promote resilience and adaptability within the partnership. Through the process of acquiring the skills necessary to effectively navigate arguments, couples become better equipped to deal with future issues. It is essential for the durability of the relationship that both parties are able to grow and change together over time, and this adaptability ensures that both spouses can evolve together. Each disagreement that is resolved deepens the link, resulting in a greater sense of trust and security for the relationship.

On the other hand, when it is handled correctly, conflict can also result in innovation inside the relationship. The resolution of disagreements frequently calls for inventive approaches to problem-solving, which in turn encourages couples to think creatively and come up with novel methods of interacting to one another. It is possible that this innovation may result in more efficient communication patterns, more emotional intimacy, and new experiences that are shared by both parties, which will enrich the relationship.

At the end of the day, it is not useful to be afraid of conflict in a relationship; rather, it should be welcomed as a natural and advantageous component of partnership. Couples have the ability to transform possible disagreements into chances for greater connection and mutual progress if they make use of these moments to share common ground, express limits, and practise personal autonomy. Partners are provided with the resources necessary to manage future problems with confidence and unity when they adopt this perspective because it encourages resiliency, adaptation, and a greater knowledge of each other. Relationships have the potential to become more robust, meaningful, and long-lasting if they are shifted from viewing conflict as a threat to viewing it as an opportunity.

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Codependency: Why Red Flags Give Us All The Information We Need

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-why-red-flags-give-us-all-the-information-we-need-2/

“The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart.” ― April Mae Monterrosa

In my daily work with codependents, I hear a lot about so-called “red-flags”. Usually this comes when clients are describing the early stages of a relationship they were or are in. If they are describing a relationship with a certain personality type, the red flags are always evident and obvious but codependents choose to ignore them. They do this because they have usually been “hooked in” by the adulation given to them by the new partner. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.” In therapy, I ask my clients to analyse previous relationships and when they noticed “red flags”. A discussion can then be had about what would have been a functional way of dealing with them at the time. Of course, major lessons can be learned for the next relationship. On the whole, any of the issues listed below should bring a level of caution and ultimately an end to the relationship if they continue.

Let’s look at typical “red flags” that could occur in these types of relationships: Source: Psychology Today

Lack of communication. These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”

Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills—taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily life may take up a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.

Lack of trust. When a person has difficulty being honest with himself or herself, it may be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of this behaviour may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. However, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. A person who holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for their partner. You may feel, and rightly so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.

Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.

Controlling behaviour. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of “love.”

Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where it’s heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little.

A dark or secretive past. Behaviours that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviours that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if a person has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that is a different story.)

Non-resolution of past relationships. These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.

The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

Abusive behaviour. Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.