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Why Codependent Men Might Turn to Porn But Narcissists Probably Will

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-codependent-men-might-turn-to-porn-but-narcissists-probably-will/

Why do some men turn to porn instead of leaving unhappy relationships? This article explains how codependency can drive secrecy, avoidance, and nervous-system coping, while narcissistic traits are more linked to entitlement and control. Learn how to spot the difference and use a reflection exercise to gain clarity.

Many people who talk about porn use in relationships talk in terms of morality, when in effect, it’s more of a coping ploy. The same behavior can mean very different things depending on who is doing it, why they are doing it and what it’s protecting them from. A codependent might resort to porn when he feels trapped, ashamed, lonely or unable to speak honestly in the relationship for whatever reason. A narcissist is more likely to use porn as an extension of his entitlement, control and devaluation and crucially, feel far less conflicted about it. While the behavior can look similar in both cases, the underlying psychology is not. 

What this is not

I’m not trying here to determine whether porn use is “right” or “wrong”. The article is also not trying to fit porn use into a diagnostic checklist. One behavior doesn’t mean a “personality disorder” and partners of porn users can feel hurt even if nobody is a narcissist or codependent. There are also couples who willingly use porn together.  I’m going to describe two very common relationship patterns I see in therapy. These patterns explain why some couples get stuck arguing about porn use while avoiding the deeper issues, such as avoidance, entitlement, emotional safety and lack of communication. 

Why codependent men might turn to porn

Codependent men often look like the “good guy” from the outside. Responsible, loyal and the man who will stay the course. We must remember that codependency isn’t “being nice”. It’s a relational survival strategy built around guilt, over-responsibility and conflict avoidance. Many codependent men don’t leave unhappy relationships because leaving feels like becoming the “bad one”. It feels like cruelty and failure to them, so they live in a chronic dilemma. Unhappy, but unable to tolerate the consequences of being honest about it. 

In that dilemma, porn can become a relief. Not necessarily because he wants someone else, but because he is regulating the consequences of staying. Porn is fast, controllable, private and predictable. It gives the codependent man his dopamine fix but also allows him control where he feels he has none in the relationship. While watching porn, he can choose what he watches and what he does with that. It delivers a quick reward without the need to negotiate , be rejected or even more importantly, avoids sitting in the discomfort of real intimacy. It also avoids the conversations that would change the relationship. So, in this case, porn use is about relief, escape and avoidance. 

Porn as nervous system regulation

Regulation of the nervous system is at the heart of this concept. In distressed and dysfunctional relationships, the nervous system often runs constantly activated through dread, resentment, restlessness, emotional depletion, sexual frustration or feeling trapped. Leaving would blow that situation open and would mean for the codependent especially, mobilization, confrontation, planning, uncertainty, conflict and eventual grief. For many codependents, that level of activation would be intolerable. Porn offers the opposite, familiarity with an immediate, controlled payoff.

Of course, as with all escapes, it doesn’t solve the problem but it does change the sensation of the issue temporarily. Once the nervous systems learns “this is a quick fix”, it will start to make it a default method for regulation. Over time, porn use becomes less about sex and images and more about mood and mental state management. That’s the point where behavior becomes harder to change because it is now acting as an emotional function, not just a sexual one.

Why secrecy becomes the point

Codependency and secrecy usually go hand in hand. If a codependent learnt that honesty led to criticism, escalation or punishment, he will protect his “peace” at all costs. Porn becomes his little secret, not just because he knows it will upset his partner but because honesty about it will force him to confront the real topics in his life. Such issues as loneliness, resentment, subdued anger, sexual mismatch and unmet needs would all need to be addressed. More crucially, it would bring up the options of staying or going. 

So he stays physically in the relationship while building a private “pseudo” emotional exit inside the relationship. That is the dysfunctional element of it in that porn reduces discomfort in the moment but increases distance over time. It becomes a replacement for adult interaction and discussion. The relationship stays, and looks intact on the surface ( and to the outside) but has been stripped of all intimacy underneath. 

Why narcissists definitely will (for different reasons)

While I have used the word “definitely” in the heading, it might be a bit too absolute, if we want to be academically correct. There will always be general exceptions to general rules. However, as a relational pattern, porn use fits narcissistic dynamics much more predictably. Narcissistic traits are centered around entitlement, control, image management, low or no empathy and the tendency to externalize responsibility. This creates a logic in the narcissist brain that says, “I’m allowed”, “ I deserve it”, “ You are making too much of it”, “ If you were better at meeting my needs, I wouldn’t have to do this”. 

Porn use fits with narcissism because it’s one way and one dimensional. It doesn’t require repair or reciprocity or a situation where another person’s experience needs to be considered. Real intimacy requires attunement, mutual vulnerability and accountability and that is exactly what narcissists seek to constantly avoid. In narcissistic relationships, porn use is also more likely to be wrapped up in double standards. Rules apply to the partner, not him. He may demand loyalty while keeping for himself the freedom to have secrets. If found out and confronted, there is no remorse, just maneuver, denial, blame, gaslighting or attack. The purpose of this isn’t connection, it’s further access without accountability. 

What the partner’s nervous system picks up

People who are in relationships with porn users can often sense the difference before they can name it. With codependency, the atmosphere is usually anxious, guilty, apologetic and deeply avoidant. With narcissism, it’s often cold, entitled, dismissive and contemptuous. Partners don’t need a diagnosis or a debate about porn but honesty about what they continue to tolerate. The question has to be “What happens when I raise the point”, rather than “Why is he watching porn?” Is there accountability, curiosity or attempts at repair or blame, minimization and the message that the partner is the problem?

Reflection exercise: function over fantasy

If you are in this situation, do this as a short audit. It might be uncomfortable. Write the answers without trying to be fair. Fairness is often how people stay stuck.

Porn is doing this for him: 

The conversation we are not having is: 

If he stopped using porn, he would have to face: 

What I keep explaining away is:

When I bring it up, his usual response is: 

Does that response move us towards repair, or towards control:

What actually helps

Shaming a porn user will never work as it just produces more secrecy. The better and more useful approach is to ask what role is this behavior playing in the relationship dynamic?

If this is found to be codependency, the work is usually about honesty and tolerance. That is tolerance of difficult conversations and tolerance of a partner’s reactions and feelings. It also means tolerance of conflict and grief and the possibility that staying and going are a choice. Codependents need also to work on personal autonomy in legitimate ways to avoid escape into hidden coping. 

With narcissism, the work is very different. A partner’s reactions will be attempting to repair with someone who doesn’t value mutuality, but entitlement and low accountability. In that setting, it is often a task of seeking clarity, strengthening boundaries and likely leaving the relationship. 

Final thought

In relationships, where porn is a factor, it is not the porn itself that is the problem, but avoidance. In codependency, porn is often a way to stay without fully showing up. In narcissism, porn is a way to take without accountability and mutuality. While the behavior might look the same, the difference is what it protects. Connection or dominance. 

If you recognize this pattern, don’t reduce it to an argument about porn. Treat it as information about emotional safety, accountability, and the state of the relationship. If you want help working out which dynamic you’re in,  and what would actually change it, you can explore my articles on codependency and narcissistic abuse here on The Online Therapist, or book a session to work through it properly, with clarity and a plan.

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Are You Unknowingly Passing Down Codependency to Your Children?

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/are-you-unknowingly-passing-down-codependency-to-your-children/

If you are a codependent and have children of your own, then there is a better than average chance that the codependent tendencies you have, will be passed down through a dysfunctional parenting style. One that has too many boundaries or not enough. Codependency is generational and many clients I work with have described one of their parents having the same codependent characteristics as they themselves do. I have often written about how childhood forms the basis for codependency. A child’s brain develops in relation to its connection with “others”, notably caregivers. When children are made to “fix” their environment to feel secure, they will take this attitude into adulthood. They are made to “fix” due to a dysfunctional connection and attachment to caregivers due to neglect, addict parents, abuse in all its forms or parenting style. This is why “ok” parents can still stoke the flames of codependency.

Before you connect with your child and understand what that means, it is vital to understand what your “little one” is going through. This means as a parent that you need to understand the developmental phases that they will naturally go through and adjust your parenting accordingly.

Swiss developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, developed a framework of phases that described how children move through four clear developmental stages, acquiring cognitive abilities as they go. While Piaget stated that some children would enter and exit each stage at different times and might even show signs of more than one stage, his theory is seen by many as the definitive framework showing the development of thought, judgment and knowledge in humans. It is essential that parents understand these stages and how they can coach their child through as best they can. At the same time, forgetting much of what they learnt from their own parents.

The four stages are as follows:

Sensorimotor Stage: Birth to 24 months. From being totally dependent at birth, children start to realise they are an individual at about nine months when a basic memory also starts to develop. They go from trial and error tasting, shaking and throwing to recognising objects and crawling with increased cognitive abilities.

Pre-operational Stage: Two to Seven. Children start to think symbolically but thinking is not yet logical. Language use is more mature and memory starts to increasingly develop. However, children do not generally have skills to regulate time, comparison and cause and effect.

Concrete Operational Stage: Seven to Eleven. Children will develop increasing skills to reason and think logically. They are less egocentric and more aware of external events. Peers become more interesting and much more of an influence. They often express views and opinions and can fathom differing opinions amongst a peer group. There are limited skills for abstract and hypothetical thinking.

Formal Operational Stage: Eleven Plus. Children inn this stage are able to understand abstract concepts such as fairness and justice and often use them amongst peers. They can formulate systemic thinking and hypotheses. They can ponder relationships and what this means to them. Peer groups and acceptance become important and a clear sense of identity is formed.

By the time children reach stages three and four, much damage could have been done by the parenting style adopted. In my opinion, the second stage is critical and contains the “terrible two’s”, a phase where children are often misunderstood.

Effective Strategies

Parents can make a huge difference to the way a child copes with the Terrible Twos. Parents are often frustrated and this causes a response that is either too hard or brings no response at all. Some parents even try to reason with their child. Some rush to the doctor and many children of this age are medicated to try to stop what is, in effect normal developmental behaviour. It is important to have a strategy for these difficult times based on consistency and understanding.

Try to understand and find out as much as you can about how children behave in this phase. Try to understand the difference between what is normal and not normal behaviour. Forewarned is forearmed. Be consistent around such things as biting, whining and aggression.

Plan your day around your child…don’t expect them to fit into yours. Don’t plan a trip close to sleep times or expect young children to cope with long days. In this case, crankiness means they are not coping well. Behavioural issues will escalate under these circumstances.

As a parent, it is essential to understand a child’s developmental phases and the new challenges and abilities each brings. Activities and boundaries have to be geared to this.

Have a strategy for tantrums. That means:

Understanding that tantrums often come from frustration not bad behaviour.

It helps to see things from the child’s perspective. Is the child hungry, tired, expected to do things that are beyond its capabilities?

When tantrums happen, understanding that physical connection in a calm, protective way helps. In times of increased emotion, do not smack, shout or walk away but stand calmly close by and on the same level.

Focus on child, not environment. In these moments, what other people think is not important.

Keep calm, compassionate and understanding. Avoid frustration. A hug for a 2 or 3 year old will often temper frustration and tantrums quickly. Get down to your child’s level. Towering above them with finger wagging or shouting will distress and scare them.

When To Seek Medical Advice

If you are doing all of the above effectively and it still doesn’t work, then medical and behavioural help may be needed. For example, many children who suffer from Disruptive Behavioural Disorder go without help. This is epitomised by long, frequent outbursts and the inability to do age appropriate tasks. There is a raised level of frustration and outbursts are stronger and much harder to cope with. Children with DBD often get “stuck” in an emotion and cannot calm down for over 20 minutes. In this case, medication might be required and behavioural and parental help needed. However, the ability to recognise such disorders will only come from an understanding of what is and is not normal behaviour.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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What You Didn’t Know About Codependency: Hidden Struggles

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/understanding-codependency-the-hidden-struggles/

I have been dealing with codependency for about 15 years and the amount of awareness about the condition has massively increased in that time. I would go as far as to say that if you grew up in a dysfunctional household as a child, there is a huge chance of codependency being a part of your life. Given that most people did in varying degrees, it shows the depth of the issue. It has its roots in child development and is driven by developmental and relational trauma and the acquisition of toxic shame. The feeling of ‘not being enough’ or ‘something wrong’ fuels the action of manipulating the environment to survive. This is done by overachieving, subduing ‘unacceptable’ parts of personality and ‘parenting the parent’ in order to gain connection and feel secure. This prevails into adulthood, leaving one unable to identify and meet personal needs and an external focus on the welfare of others.

Despite so many people identifying with the symptoms, there are still some who doubt its existence or hold derogatory views against anyone claiming to be codependent. This includes virtually all of the medical profession and indeed, some therapists. This is sad because even codependents do this to themselves. I have heard people describe themselves as weak or pathetic, narcissistic and comparing themselves to babies. This is normal in a codependent, victim based personality but it is rather alarming to see the way codependents are sometimes described on social media sites. I recently saw a YouTube video which has now been taken down. The video was posted by someone who documented various methods he had employed to deal with his codependent girlfriend including silent treatment, withholding affection and validation. He also said that he allowed her to practice her willingness to meet his every need to teach her a lesson that it won’t work to get what she wants. Sounds quite a catch and one can only hope that she finds someone who truly cares about her.

I have also heard codependents called “emotional vampires” and always “needy”. What these terms fail to realise is that codependents have been conditioned to behave in a certain way in order to get their needs met and its automatic. They manipulated their environment in childhood to gain what they needed. This is why it is very hard for them to see their behaviour as bad. They are the “good guys” and that can’t be wrong. However, it mirrors their childhood experiences and they know no other way but to control.

People who have codependency issues are often in denial. This denial tells them that they are the victims of something and they are the good side of any relationship. This denial is driven by the drama triangle, the preferred method of codependency control. Codependents usually hold a good deal of resentment due to the sacrifices they feel they make and the lack of expected return they receive. 

Anyone who has codependent traits need to test their motives continually as to why they are doing what they do. Many don’t and continue to live with the idea that they are being slighted and victimized. Part of this the natural urge to enmesh with others and lose identity. An essential element of managing codependency is the requirement to gain individuality and looks inwards rather than adopt an external focus. 

While codependents often see themselves as victims (and sometimes are), there is also a darker side to codependency. They can often be sensitive, angry people who can be extremely needy and smothering to anyone involved with them. On the other hand, they are extremely willing to do anything they can to be accepted, leaving the door open to manipulation and abuse. 

An interesting question that often goes through my mind is just where does codependency lie on the egoism and altruism continuum? Are codependents manipulators themselves, self-centered and only worried about themselves? Or are they the sacrificial altruists they often claim to be? I personally see codependents as extremely controlling and can be dominating in a passive-aggressive manner but also have a measure of goodwill and a helping aspect to their actions. The answer is not clear and probably lies somewhere squarely in the middle and varies depending on the individual. Let’s look at the differences. 

The contrast between egoism and altruism sheds light on the fundamental distinctions that exist between two extreme forms of human nature. Egoism and altruism are two distinct concepts that can be contrasted with one another. These examples illustrate two polar opposite sides of the human character. Egoism is the state of being overly concerned with one’s own interests to the exclusion of those of others. The opposite of egotism is altruism, which is the quality of giving without expecting anything in return. Psychologists have always been fascinated by the ever-changing nature of the human being, especially when it comes to the manner in which an individual’s acts might sometimes border on altruism and other times border on egoism. They claim that a variety of different elements influence the way in which certain activities interact with one another. 

An illustration is the best way to comprehend this point. A man who is married and has two children makes the decision to abandon his family because he feels as though they are holding him back. The family is struggling financially, and the wife and children are unable to contribute to the household income. The man concludes that the circumstances are intolerable and that he should not squander his life on such a pitiful circumstance; consequently, he simply departs from the situation. In this kind of situation, the person is entirely preoccupied with themselves. He lacks any sense of responsibility or consideration for the other members of the family and acts in a thoughtless manner. 

Some people have the opinion that being egotistic is inherent to the human condition. For instance, the philosopher Thomas Hobbes asserted that people are inherently self-centered in their behavior. His theory suggests that the fact that people are naturally self-centered is the root cause of the conflict that exists between humans. On the other hand, one cannot assert that every individual is self-centered. This can be grasped by gaining an understanding of the concept of altruism.

Altruism can simply be defined as unselfishness. It is when a person puts the needs of others even before himself. This is why it can be considered as the opposite of egoism. Such an individual is so concerned about others that he completely ignores himself. For example, take a soldier who sacrifices himself to save the others of his battalion, or else a parent that risks herself or himself to save the child. These are instances where an individual completely forgets his own self. In some situations altruism is at the cost of one’s own self. Then it is considered as a sacrifice. There is a strong moral obligation and also emotional attachment that makes the individual be altruistic. Some people believe that this should not be considered as altruism, because the individual puts themselves forward for another who is known to them. But altruism expands further. When an individual at a train station saves the life of another who is a complete stranger to them, risking their own life, this is also altruism.

If you read the above, most people would suggest that codependents are closer to the altruist end of the scale and they probably are. Most codependents are selfless and will often lose themselves in a relationship with scant regard for their own position. However, the resentment that builds from not receiving what they feel they should puts them very much in the egoism camp.

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Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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What does codependency really look like?

Originally posted at: https://samanthatorreslpc.com/2023/07/18/what-does-codependency-really-look-like/

Codependency is a complex issue that can greatly impact mental health and relationships. It involves a pattern of behavior where individuals become excessively reliant on others for their emotional well-being, often at the expense of their own needs and boundaries. In codependent relationships, one person may take on the role of the caretaker or rescuer, while the other assumes the role of the dependent or victim. This dynamic can be seen in various ways, such as enabling harmful behaviors, constantly seeking validation and approval, or sacrificing personal goals and desires to accommodate the other person’s needs.

Individuals experiencing codependency may struggle with low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty setting boundaries, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others. They often prioritize the needs and emotions of their partner above their own, neglecting their own well-being in the process. This can lead to a cycle of dissatisfaction, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Codependency can manifest in different ways within relationships, such as excessive control, a lack of autonomy, an inability to assert one’s own needs, or an intense fear of being alone. It may also involve enabling destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse or unhealthy habits, in an effort to maintain the relationship or avoid conflict.

Recognizing codependency in your relationships is the first step towards healing. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of others, feeling trapped in an unhealthy dynamic, or struggling with a lack of identity outside of your relationships, it may be time to seek support. With the help of a mental health therapist, you can explore the underlying causes of codependency, learn healthy boundaries, rebuild self-esteem, and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, you deserve to prioritize your own well-being and find a sense of balance in your interactions with others.

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Navigating Relationship Conflict: Establishing Boundaries and Autonomy

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/navigating-relationship-conflict-establishing-boundaries-and-autonomy/

In the context of interpersonal relationships, conflict is frequently seen as an indication of instability or incompatibility. However, when it is treated in a constructive manner, it has the potential to act as a catalyst for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger bonding. Partners are able to share common ground, declare limits, and practise personal autonomy when they embrace conflict with a collaborative and empathic perspective. This allows them to transform potential strife into chances for enrichment and mutual development.

Every partnership is built on the foundation of two distinct individuals, each of whom brings their own unique set of viewpoints, values, requirements, and aspirations to the table. The fact that each partner is navigating their own path while simultaneously attempting to combine it with their partner’s path inevitably results in conflict given these variances. When a dispute emerges, it is tempting to ignore or hide it in order to preserve harmony rather than confront it. On the other hand, confronting disagreements head-on while maintaining an open mind and a respectful demeanour might result in a more profound comprehension of one another. When couples are in disagreement with one another, they have the opportunity to communicate their genuine thoughts and emotions, which may not come to the surface during times of greater clarity. Through this transparency, trust and closeness are fostered, and it is revealed that the two parties share beliefs and ambitions, which can build the foundation of the relationship.

In order to successfully navigate conflict, it is essential to establish clear boundaries. Establishing and maintaining good boundaries is critical to the maintenance of a successful relationship, as they ensure that both partners feel respected and appreciated. In the normal course of events, conflict presents an opportunity to recognise and explain these boundaries. A quarrel might provide an opportunity for one partner to define and reinforce the boundaries that they have set for themselves when they feel that their limitations are being tested. During this process, not only are future misunderstandings avoided, but also the sense of self that each individual possesses within the context of the relationship is validated. Partners are better able to comprehend each other’s needs and expectations when they have clear boundaries, which results in a dynamic that is more balanced and in which both individuals feel secure and understood.

Equally as crucial is the implementation of personal autonomy within the context of a relationship. It is necessary for each partner to keep their own identity and independence in order for the relationship to be considered healthy. A healthy relationship is characterised by mutual support and dependency. Conflict has the potential to bring to light areas in which one partner may feel that they are being undervalued or overshadowed, which can then inspire essential conversations that reinforce personal autonomy. When these concerns are discussed honestly, it ensures that both parties are able to pursue their own personal interests and growth while still maintaining their commitment to the relationship. In order to achieve long-term relationship happiness, it is essential to strike a balance between independence and connection.

Active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise are three essential components of an effective conflict resolution strategy. The creation of a place for constructive discourse is facilitated when partners approach arguments with the intention of gaining an understanding rather than seeking victory. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary to listen to each other’s points of view without immediately passing judgement or becoming defensive. In this context, empathy is of utmost importance since it enables partners to comprehend the problem from the perspectives of one another and to acknowledge the emotions that each other is experiencing. The ability to compromise is also essential since it exhibits a willingness to find solutions that are mutually acceptable and demonstrates respect for the requirements of each other.

Additionally, discussing conflict in a healthy manner helps to promote resilience and adaptability within the partnership. Through the process of acquiring the skills necessary to effectively navigate arguments, couples become better equipped to deal with future issues. It is essential for the durability of the relationship that both parties are able to grow and change together over time, and this adaptability ensures that both spouses can evolve together. Each disagreement that is resolved deepens the link, resulting in a greater sense of trust and security for the relationship.

On the other hand, when it is handled correctly, conflict can also result in innovation inside the relationship. The resolution of disagreements frequently calls for inventive approaches to problem-solving, which in turn encourages couples to think creatively and come up with novel methods of interacting to one another. It is possible that this innovation may result in more efficient communication patterns, more emotional intimacy, and new experiences that are shared by both parties, which will enrich the relationship.

At the end of the day, it is not useful to be afraid of conflict in a relationship; rather, it should be welcomed as a natural and advantageous component of partnership. Couples have the ability to transform possible disagreements into chances for greater connection and mutual progress if they make use of these moments to share common ground, express limits, and practise personal autonomy. Partners are provided with the resources necessary to manage future problems with confidence and unity when they adopt this perspective because it encourages resiliency, adaptation, and a greater knowledge of each other. Relationships have the potential to become more robust, meaningful, and long-lasting if they are shifted from viewing conflict as a threat to viewing it as an opportunity.