CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

co-dependence

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Codependency: Getting Better

The leaders of Castimonia would like to present some topics on Codependency in men and how it affects our relationships and how the fear of abandonment and feelings of entitlement from our own codependency led us to medicate these by sexually acting out.  We do not condone codependent partners to leave one another, but to seek therapy and healing for themselves within the marriage or relationship in order to strengthen the couple and their relationship.  The next few topics will strictly deal with male codependency.

Treating Codependency is not something a doctor does to or for a ‘patient’. It is more like having diabetes. The patient has to learn how to take care of themselves every day for the rest of their lives. Recovery starts when a Codependent understands and has insight into their condition. It takes hold when they understand that they have never been victimized in their marriage. They arranged the right marriage for themselves in order to work on their unresolved childhood issues of not having enough power, not being heard, not being good enough, not being taken seriously, not getting enough attention, not being nurtured, etc. I always recommend that my new Codependent client read Melody Beattie’s classic book on the subject Codependent No More. Then I almost always strongly encourage them to join one of our Codependency Recovery groups. Group is like the gym. It is where a Codependent goes to lift weights and get stronger. I will talk more about group in a later chapter, but Group therapy rocks – it is inexpensive, weekly, powerful, fun, insight building and affirming. In my practice the wife is many times the Codependent person and she comes with her husband for couples sessions as well as attending the group sessions without him. In the couple work with a husband who is perhaps not in as much pain or in a place of having much enlightenment about his own issues the Codependent needs to come prepared to work hard at naming the issues that hurt her in the marriage. Actually bringing in a written list is a very good idea. It is a safe environment because the therapist won’t allow reactivity, control, manipulation, defensiveness, blaming, rage, massive denial or shaming to happen without it being named and quickly stopped. From an article by Mark Smith
http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy

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Usually On a Misson

In codependent relationships there is a lack of personal boundaries as well as respect for complete honesty. Often there is level of secrecy that exists between the couple that they tend to hide from others. One partner is usually the caretaker and unknowingly controlled by the moods, ideas, whims, and behavior of the other. The caretaker is usually on a mission to keep their partner happy, stable and content. Unfortunately the caretaker often finds that they need to disown their own gut instincts for the sake of the happiness of their partner.Telling their partner the truth usually means emotional upset will erupt. The partner being taken care of is perceived as weaker in some way to the caretaker. This perceived helplessness, is a manipulative tactic that keeps the caretaker indebted to the needs of the taker. The taker is usually highly emotional, overreactive, perceived as fragile and unable to deal with living life on their own terms without demanding someone else assume responsibility for their happiness. Codependent relationships are dysfunctional and do not work in the long run. If codependent relationships continue, both partners suffer terribly as time goes on. The caretakers wind up feeling used, drained, frustrated, angry and resentful. The taker in the relationship continues on in life assuming others are responsible for their state of being. Their relationships are never authentic, because their caretakers often feel they must conceal their true feelings for the sake of the others happiness.  The true shameful reality is, no one in the relationship ever get to be who they really are. The good news is that once you see the role you have assumed in your relationships clearly, you can change it.
From an article by Lisa A. Romano
http://www.examiner.com/article/codependency-and-how-it-destroys-relationships

“Caretaking is never about the other person. It’s about wanting to feel needed because you’re afraid you’re not wanted.” – Claire Fontaine

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How Should Affairs End Part II

Posted by James Browning on February 22, 2013

coupleloveweddingbwbeautyblackandwhiteUnfaithful spouses usually don’t want their marriages to end, and yet they want emotional needs met that the spouse does not meet. Discovery of the affair, in most cases, would ruin the “solution” to their problem. But there comes a time in almost every affair that an unfaithful spouse realizes that it has run its course, or it wasn’t a good idea to begin with. In some cases, it’s the lover who ends the relationship, finding that the spouse isn’t living up to expectations. And in other cases, it’s the spouse that ends it when the disadvantages of the affair begin to outweigh the advantages. In most cases, affairs end peacefully and in secret. By their very nature, there is not much of a commitment to hold them together, and a desire to do the “right thing” is usually the excuse an unfaithful spouse uses to end it. But the real reason is usually that the affair has become more trouble than it’s worth. Occasionally, a scorned lover will go berserk, call the spouse all hours of the day and night, file lawsuits and create all kinds of trouble. But that’s very rare. Affairs usually end quietly. In the vast majority of cases, affairs are never revealed to spouses. They are usually kept so secret that even when children are born of an affair, the victimized husband is usually not told that the child he is raising is not really his. I know of over 20 instances where a father is unknowingly raising another man’s child. From “Coping With Infidelity Part II” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

“Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.” –   Joseph Campbell