CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

co-dependence

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Recovery from Codependency

Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself. Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, “locus of control.” This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else’s. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn’t necessary for progress, and it’s impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. It’s said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you’re an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction – whether to a drug, activity, or person – they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy. You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected, and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings and believed that you were wrong. Some decided to become self-sufficient or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or work. All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren’t aware of their internal voices that push and criticize them — their “Pusher,” “Perfectionist,” and “Critic.” From an article By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT
http://psychcentral.com/lib/recovery-from-codependency/00014956

“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” – Leslie Vernick

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Codependency – You’re Codependent

The leaders of Castimonia would like to present some topics on Codependency in men and how it affects our relationships and how the fear of abandonment and feelings of entitlement from our own codependency led us to medicate these by sexually acting out.  We do not condone codependent partners to leave one another, but to seek therapy and healing for themselves within the marriage or relationship in order to strengthen the couple and their relationship.  The next few topics will strictly deal with male codependency.

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem-solving developed by family rules. One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. Maladaptive means an inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met. Compulsive means acting in a way that goes against one’s conscious desires in which to behave. As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship. Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others.
http://reconciliationinc.com/individual-family-counseling/screenings-and-assessments/codependency/

“… worrying about people and problems doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve problems, it doesn’t help other people, and it doesn’t help us. It is wasted energy.”

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Codependency – Wrong Place, With the Wrong Person

The leaders of Castimonia would like to present some topics on Codependency in men and how it affects our relationships and how the fear of abandonment and feelings of entitlement from our own codependency led us to medicate these by sexually acting out.  We do not condone codependent partners to leave one another, but to seek therapy and healing for themselves within the marriage or relationship in order to strengthen the couple and their relationship.  The next few topics will strictly deal with male codependency.

Codependence is a combination of four personality characteristics that ultimately result in a great deal of frustration and powerlessness…insecurity, dependence, other-centeredness and being too passive. In their heart of hearts Codependents have very low self-esteem and they lack confidence. Self-assured, confident, controlling people tie Codependents in knots. Codependents usually haven’t experienced enough sense of mastery in their lives to give them a life-long sense of competency and strength. They are lost and confused. They are looking for someone to give them direction. They just haven’t quite found their true place in the world yet. Instead of fulfilling their true destiny they are usually following an even more confused (person) around more living in his world than living in a world of their own making. They are usually in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. When a Codependent starts a romantic relationship they tend to put too many eggs in that one basket. They invest their whole lives in a guy (woman) who ultimately turns out to be an addict, a betrayer, a little boy, a rager, a controller, weak, lost, little, and otherwise not coming as originally advertised. Early on the Codependent is way too emotionally dependent way too quickly. They know who they like. Before too many years go by Codependents learn that the relationship they have arranged for themselves does not include a whole lot of goodies for them. Prince (Princess) charming who put the full court press on to secure her generally is only interested in her these days to try to extract some sex… He (She) is too busy and important to take the time and energy to really get to know her (him) on an intimate and daily basis. That simply isn’t who he (she) is. From an article by Mark Smith http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

“There are only two possibilities why you’re disappointed: wrong person or wrong expectation.” – Bernajoy Vaal

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Codependency – From the Very First Date

The leaders of Castimonia would like to present some topics on Codependency in men and how it affects our relationships and how the fear of abandonment and feelings of entitlement from our own codependency led us to medicate these by sexually acting out.  We do not condone codependent partners to leave one another, but to seek therapy and healing for themselves within the marriage or relationship in order to strengthen the couple and their relationship.  The next few topics will strictly deal with male codependency.

Codependents have big hearts – too big. They rescue men, children, puppies, strangers, neighbors and friends. Their first thought is ‘what does my husband (wife) or my kids need, what will work best for them’. They do not think about their own needs enough. A huge part of their Recovery process is learning to take good care of their own needs. Codependents get lost for decades in the meeting of others needs while ignoring what their own hearts were trying to say to them. Codependents many times don’t have much going on in the hobby department. They have no time devoted to what makes themselves happy. Their lives aren’t really about them. They are rest starved, fun starved and inspiration starved. They need to learn to be selfish in a healthy way. They are parched ground lacking in color and joy. Codependents are way too passive and powerless. That is the deal that they choose. They pick controlling men (women) to marry. That was always the deal. Codependents do not know how to pleasantly set boundaries with consequences and teeth. They might lose they tempers from time to time, but then they go back to being too passive. It is their nature. Arguing with their controlling, defensive husband (wife) is like trying to argue with a brick wall. Codependents are voiceless. They seldom get heard by the people that they really need to get heard by. They are riding in a runaway van that their unhealthy husbands (wives) are… driving. It seems unfair but it is not. It is the deal that was struck from the very first date. From an article by Mark Smith http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Codependency: Trying to Cope

A Codependency is a relationship in which an otherwise mentally healthy person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected by an addiction or mental illness. In Codependent No More, author Melody Beattie asks: “Is someone else’s problem your problem? If, like so many others, you’ve lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else’s, you may be codependent.” Codependency is the tendency for the victim in an abusive relationship to develop dysfunctional patterns or habits in the process of trying to cope with a family member or partner who is abusive or neglectful or has an addiction. These patterns include denial of the problem, enabling or support of the abusive behavior, poor sense of self-worth, abandonment of personal goals or values and development of controlling or manipulative behaviors. Codependents are generally unsatisfied with the status quo, yet often fear the consequences of trying to make a change, of trying to detach or put a stop to the abuse. Codependence was first described as a problem observed in children of alcoholics, who developed distinctive patterns of denial, shame, avoidance, lack of boundaries, low self-worth and excessive sensitivity to the needs of others in an attempt to compensate for their parents’ disorders. These characteristics often carry over into adulthood and s-called “adult children” often find themselves in patterns of unstable social relationships. The terms “codependent” and “dysfunctional ” originally referred to families specifically affected by alcoholism. However, these terms have been popularly generalized to include any household situation involving a neglectful or abusive family member. Therefore, codependency often describes the characteristics of family members, spouses and partners of people who suffer from personality disorders and other mental illnesses.
http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

“Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.” – Virginia Satir