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clinical disclosure

November 5, 2016 By Castimonia

Boundaries: The Two Types of Liars

Colossians 3:9–10 – “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is “just a friend,” when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said.

For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong. It seemed that she was just a little too connected to her work. Frank had no problem with her loving her job, but there was something strange about her relationship with her boss. He did not think that she was dating him, or having any kind of illicit thing going on with him. But, he still got a funny feeling about her work and her connection with her boss.

Finally, Frank found out that his girlfriend had once been engaged to her boss. And, there was still some sort of continuing tie between them. But, as far as he had known, it was strictly a work relationship. Instead, she had been lying to him.

Frank felt horribly deceived, and from there the relationship went downhill. It did not falter because she worked with a former boyfriend, but because she had not been clear about the nature of her former relationship with her boss. Frank could sense some sort of tie that she was not owning up to. Later, when some other issues came up where she had not been clear with him, the relationship died. If she had not been deceptive about the former boyfriend, the later issues would not have been a big deal. But, once a pattern of lying starts, trust is difficult to reestablish.

Why do people lie, and how can you set appropriate boundaries? In our opinion, there are really two categories of liars.

First, there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, cannot quite pull it off. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love. (most addicts fit into this category)

Second, there are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

You will have to ask yourself if you want to take the risk and do the work if you are with the first type. There are people in the first category who have never had a relationship where they felt safe enough to be honest, and they tend to still be hiding. So, they lie to preserve love, or preserve the relationship, or avoid being caught in something because of guilt or shame. They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth. This is a risk that some people want to take after finding out that deception has occurred. They hope that the person will be redeemed by the grace and love that they offer and will shoot straight with them from then on.

While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome. So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person’s counseling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage. Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason.

Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic. Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past. Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved.

The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. Tell him or her good-bye and save yourself a lot of heartache. Perpetual liars are not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you are attracted to him or her. Run, run, run!

A footnote: After Frank ended the relationship with his girlfriend, she soon was back with her former boyfriend. I told my client I thought he was lucky to have escaped her.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.

 

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, clinical disclosure, dishonesty, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, Liar, lie, lust, lying, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, trauma

November 4, 2016 By Castimonia

Disclosure – VIDEO

By now you probably know I LOVE movies!  I grew up watching tons of movies and still do so today.  A short while ago the movie, The Goonies was on television and I sat and watched it with my oldest daughter.  She really enjoyed the movie.  As I have stated before, now that I’m in recovery the Holy Spirit has allowed me to see movies differently and notice subtle (and sometimes blatant) recovery tones within the movie. 

The plot of this movie has been pasted below courtesy of Google:

The Goonies is a 1985 American adventure comedy film directed by Richard Donner, who produced with Harvey Bernhard. The screenplay was written by Chris Columbus from a story by executive producer Steven Spielberg. A band of pre-teens who live in the “Goon Docks” neighborhood of Astoria, Oregon, attempt to save their homes from demolition, and, in doing so, discover an old Spanish map that leads them on an adventure to unearth the long-lost fortune of One-Eyed Willy, a legendary 17th-century pirate. During the entire adventure, they are chased by a family of criminals, who also want the treasure for themselves.

What I saw in this movie was a humorous example of someone giving a “clinical disclosure” and then having his life transform because of letting go of all of his secrets.  Many men in recovery struggle with the idea of giving a full disclosure and live in fear of doing so.  This movie, although not therapy-accurate, brings humor to a very stressful and intense time in a man’s life.  Hopefully, men who have done this can see the humor in this movie as much as I do and men who fear doing a disclosure can  find the courage to do so after watching this movie.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

Filed Under: Humor, Sexual Purity Posts, Videos Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, clinical disclosure, co-dependency, disclosure, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

September 24, 2016 By Castimonia

Stefanie Carnes Disclosure Trauma Study – SURVEY

This survey is for either the addict or spouse who have experienced a therapist-facilitated clinical disclosure.  Please click on the link below to access the survey.

Dear Community,

One more time… We need your help!  Please pass along this survey to anyone you know that has experienced a facilitated disclosure.  As of right now, we only have 35 respondents – we could use many more!  We are hoping to finish data collection soon.  Here’s some information about the survey:

We all know how critical the disclosure process is, yet we have a huge shortage in research that evaluates what makes a facilitated disclosure process successful.  I, along with my co-investigators, Justin and Heidi Monuteaux, are currently conducting a study that will help inform clinicians on how to conduct disclosure sessions that are as least traumatic as possible and can lead to a foundation from which a couple can begin to heal from sex addiction.   Given this is an area with an extreme shortage of research, every person’s input could make a big difference on how clinicians are taught and trained on best practices on how to handle disclosures.  We will be asking questions about things such as how participants were prepared, how the disclosure was facilitated, the relationship with the therapist, and their thoughts and feedback on the process.

I am attaching an informational flier that you can pass out about the study that contains information about the project and the link to the survey. Anyone who has experienced a facilitated disclosure process is eligible to take the survey.  If you have experienced a disclosure yourself, we would be grateful if you (and your partner, if applicable) would participate.
Please pass the survey along to others such as friends in recovery.  We are hoping for the largest distribution possible. This study was approved by the IRB at Northwest University.

Here is the survey link…. https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/disclosure-study

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. Kind Regards,

*Stefanie Carnes, PhD, LMFT, CSAT-S*
*President* *IITAP, LLC*
*Phone: 480-488-0150*
*E-Mail: stefanie@iitap.com <stefanie@iitap.com>*
*www.iitap.com*
*www.sexhelp.com*
*www.gentlepath.com*

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, Carnes, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, clinical disclosure, co-dependency, disclosure, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, intensive, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, Stafanie Carnes, STD, strippers, trauma

December 10, 2013 By Castimonia

Should An Affair Be Revealed? – Part I

Castimonia recommends that disclosure of an affair (or numerous affairs) be done in the presence of a qualified therapist or counselor who can immediately assist the betrayed spouse in processing their feelings in healthy ways.  We recommend the use of the 3-day intensives offered by Comfort Christian Counseling and Hope & Freedom Counseling, both linked to the left of the page under links.

Posted by James Browning on February 25, 2013

bad20relationship20adviceGuilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it’s not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it’s the first step toward marital reconciliation. Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. “Why add insult to injury,” they reason. “What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?” As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don’t think they will ever be discovered, and so they don’t expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. It isn’t honesty that causes the pain, it’s the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it’s in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. It’s patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. From “Coping With Infidelity Part II” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” – Soren Kierkegaard

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: 3-day intensive, addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, clinical disclosure, disclosure, escorts, gratification, healing, human trafficking, intensive, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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