CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Character Defects

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***Friday Noon Telemeeting Phone Number Change***

Sorry for the late notice but the phone number for the Friday Noon Telemeeting has changed.  The new number for the Telemeeting is 641.715.3818.  Please join us today for the noon Telemeeting at the new number.

 

Friday Lunch Telemeeting
Time: 12:00PM – 1:00PM (CST)
Location: Telemeeting Call In Center
Call In Phone Number: 641-715-3818

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Ashley Madison Exposes More Than Just Names

http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2015/september/ashley-madison-exposes-more-than-just-names-men-and-women-h.html

by Shaunti Feldhahn

The fallout from the Ashley Madison leak shows us that there is a critical sexual disconnect between men and women.

Most women are completely dumbfounded at the Ashley Madison scandal, asking, How could it be so easy for so many men – including godly, Christian men – to visit such a site?

Most men are completely chilled at the Ashley Madison scandal: thinking, There but for the grace of God go I.

There’s something more important here than the Ashley Madison issue itself: a vast disconnect between men and women on modern sex-related issues that affect nearly all men and boys every single day – but which many women aren’t even aware of. While actual infidelity affects only a small percentage of marriages, the factors creating online temptation impact everyone. And we women don’t always understand why.

Our men are vulnerable in ways most of us never realized. Our sons have a target on their backs. They need our support, prayer and awareness as they stand against the temptations of this culture – or as they work to heal their lives and marriages from poor choices.

After years of research and multiple nationally-representative surveys to investigate the inner lives of men and boys for For Women Only and Through A Man’s Eyes, I now believe if we women understood just five key things, it would change how Christian men handle temptation. Just to be clear: men are 100% responsible for their choices. But that doesn’t mean we women have to sit helplessly while our men are out there facing temptation alone.

So for every woman who wants to understand and support her man (or her son), here are five key facts:

Fact 1: Due to how their brain wiring interprets attractive sights, men in this culture are constantly being sexually stimulated.

Although we can’t get into the brain science here (see this article for more), the bottom line is that a straight man can’t not be sexually stimulated when he catches sight of the female body in the spandex shorts or the low-cut top. Even if he doesn’t want that pleasurable stimulation, it just happens. If he wants to honor his wife (and God) in his thought life, he instantly has to choose whether to shut down that stimulation by looking away or thinking about something else. A few minutes later he will have to make that choice again. And again.

Fact 2: Visual-sexual stimulation salves a man’s hidden vulnerabilities.

Men have far more self-doubt than women realize. Pleasurable stimulation hits men right where it hurts, and makes them feel better. One man told me, “A guy might be feeling like a failure at work but being intimate with his wife — or with pornography, which is the counterfeit — makes him feel like he does measure up. It is a salve that goes very deep.” When a man is intimate with his wife, he experiences true comfort and care. When he turns to porn he avoids intimacy; it is the counterfeit solace of the alcoholic’s bottle. And it is terribly ironic that his counterfeit indulgence triggers his wife’s own vulnerability – her worry that she is not enough for him.

Fact 3. The visual and emotional temptation looms large.

In today’s culture, a man’s physical responses and emotional vulnerabilities combine to create a perfect storm of temptation. Even if he fights it well (which most men in the church do try to do), it looms large. This is how my husband, Jeff, describes the struggle:

It is almost as if we are all former alcoholics and there is a bottle in front of us with an empty shot glass saying, “Just this once. It’s been such a hard day.”

As guys, we are all sitting there, looking at that bottle – and if we’re feeling particularly vulnerable, we’re saying ‘God help me.’ And it has nothing to do with our wives. It has everything to do with a man feeling like a failure and this is that one drink that he thinks will make him feel better tonight.

Many men won’t have had that thought about alcohol, but most of us have had it about porn. It is everywhere. And it turns men into cowards. So if we are honest, every man knows that if we’re not extremely careful, that is where we could go.

Fact 4: Some men fight it successfully — and others fall.

While many millions of men make those careful choices every day, others grow weary of the struggle. They give in. They secretly look at what is always just a click away. Many, especially in the church, know it is wrong and are ashamed. The hard truth is that porn reels in men who would have never set out to devastate their wives and families. Pornographic images are like a gateway drug to videos, chat rooms, and, for some, Ashley Madison. Men can find themselves in the grip of addiction. And since Christian men usually are ashamed of and hide the first step into temptation, the rest of the progression also stays hidden – and the men stay trapped.

Fact 5. A wife’s support can make a difference – if he chooses to let it.

One reason I’m passionate about encouraging women and men to understand each other: we don’t have to be helpless in the face of confusing (or scary) issues. Although a man or boy’s ultimate actions are fully his responsibility, there’s a lot a wife can do to support her husband or son, if he chooses to accept it. First, show your husband it is safe for him to talk to about these struggles with you. If a wife shows that she wants to understand (“What makes things more difficult for you?”), that she won’t freak out, and that she’s willing to help (“Absolutely, we can block those problematic cable channels”) most men will open up and share over time. And if a wife shows her husband that she does desire him sexually, that she cares for him in that way, closeness usually grows. Neither are a guarantee, but I’ve seen both lead to breakthroughs and much more intimacy.

I’d venture to guess that the enemy of our souls wanted to use the Ashley Madison hack to steal, kill and destroy many marriages, and to put fear into many others. But there’s something about bringing hidden things to light that God uses to set people free. For all of us as women, let’s use this unique moment to step out in maturity, face down our own fears and insecurities, and stand with our men – and our sons – so they know they don’t have to face the darkness alone.

 

 

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Zacchaeus – Repentant Taxman

by applyingmybeliefs

Luke 19:8-9 – And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”  ESV

Zacchaeus was a short man with a big bank account.  Most of this came from his tax collecting activities where he was the conduit between the regular tax collectors and the governing authorities, and he skimmed off the top, or took a personal commission.  This meant that he was a thief, a thief with a high legal position.  In the story (Lk 19:1-10) we see some important truths.

First, Zacchaeus was very keen to see Jesus; he had to climb up a tree.  To put that in perspective, it would be like a high level IRS agent, a high paid bureaucrat, used to getting his way, having to demean himself.  Second, that Jesus saw him up the tree, and recognized that Zacchaeus was ready to repent.  Third, when all the regular folk saw that Jesus was going to the home of Zacchaeus they condemned Him.  Fourth, Zacchaeus, as a result of his encounter with Jesus, was able to shift from a desire to repent through to a choice to make amends.

The fifth and last point has a large significance for us in Christian recovery.  As a result of this choice to make amends Jesus indicates that salvation came to the entire household of Zacchaeus.  While Jesus was undoubtedly stating the household of Zacchaeus was saved, as in born again, our application is different.  For a Christ follower who takes the path of repentance and amends the salvation is in the form of sanctification, or a cleaning up of our internal darker places.

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Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

by applyingmybeliefs

There are ordinary things each of us does that impede, lessen or even destroy intimacy in marriages.  Men do some to their wives, and wives do some to their husbands.  Here we are going to look at five everyday behaviors that wives do that diminish the intimacy in marriage.

  1. Consistently rejects a husband’s sexual advances. Part of the way a man connects (has intimacy) with his wife is through sex.  When his wife consistently rejects his reasonable requests for sex, he internalizes it as a rejection of himself.  In this wives ought to try to remember that in a marriage she is the only one who can legitimately provide him with this activity.  Not providing a realistic amount of sex pushes him into the territory of wanting sex but not getting it at home.  This runs the risk of making him vulnerable to the many temptations of sexual pleasure our culture offers.
  1. Offers critical appraisal of things in life. When a wife is a critical person, she not only criticizes people and situations around her, but she is critical of her husband, often unknowingly.  Although it is often hard to understand, criticism of a husband’s actions is received as condemnation by men.  This is because men so often internalize what they do as who they are.  So then, critical words, even if they are 100% justified can be destructive to a marriage.  This doesn’t mean a wife cannot criticize, it does mean that criticism needs to be worded thoughtfully and used sparingly.
  1. Fixes his work. In this intimacy destroyer, the wife goes around behind the husband and touches up his work.  For example, if he makes the bed, the wife goes and adjusts something, or he washes the dishes, then the wife rewashes a couple of pieces.  The message is “Buddy, you don’t match up to my standards?”  Is that really smart?  No, because he experiences it as a major slap in the face.  It is far bigger for him than it is for the wife.  A wife will know this is a problem, because the husband most likely won’t say anything, but he will stop trying to help the wife with the chores.
  1. Coveting things that are outside the budget. Often a wife will express a desire to have items that are not affordable.  For example, a new car, designer goods or an exotic vacation.  The husband might hear the first few expressions of unaffordable things and not be impacted.  After that though, he will hear a different message, “You are not a good provider.”  This is going to result in him not wanting to talk with a wife about any of her desires, dreams and wishes, even legitimate and affordable ones.  He might even begin to hide money so that the wife won’t spend on items he thinks they can’t afford.
  1. Putting him down. This is not the same as criticism.  The putting down of a person is a work of judgment and condemnation.  When a wife puts a husband down, and especially if she does it in public or in private to her friends she is emasculating him.  One thing that men really want from a wife is respect, and spousal condemnation destroys a husband’s feeling that his wife respects him.  When this is going on in a relationship the husband probably won’t say a word, but he will check out.

Women – If you’ve read this list and honestly want to know if you do these things, ask him, but don’t be surprised if he won’t tell you what you do to hurt him.  This is because he wants to protect you from himself and any bad news he may have for you.  This list is best discussed with a trained counselor, because sometimes the truth is painful.

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Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Husbands

Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Husbands

by applyingmybeliefs

There are ordinary things each of us does that impede, lessen or even destroy intimacy in marriages.  Men do some to their wives, and wives do some to their husbands.  Here we are going to look at five everyday behaviors that husbands do that diminish the intimacy in marriage.

  1. Looks at other women in admiration. Men look at women other than their wives, and they notice them; that is mostly unavoidable.  However, some men go beyond looking and noticing, they move that extra step to admiring.  This happens when a man takes a second or elongated look at a women, it happens when they view pornography and it happens when they act out sexually.  The message to a wife is that they are not enough, that the man prefers somebody else over them.  Men will deny this of course, but that doesn’t make this untrue.  It pushes the woman away in an emotional sense, because the women feels like her trust is violated, and that is how it lessens intimacy.
  1. Speaking down to her. Some men, and this is often done unconsciously, speak with terseness in their language toward their wife.  The poor spouse on the receiving end receives this as a message of demeaning of her person, and often doesn’t even hear the content of the message, she hears only the tone.  This makes a husband unsafe to be around, and she moves away a little each time this happens.
  1. Takes her contribution for granted. Husbands know that they go to work and provide the household with an income, which is their contribution.  What they often miss is all the small stuff their wives do, and even when they think about it, they dismiss it as easy things to do.  Over time this is recognized as a lack of appreciation by the wife, and her contribution to the smooth running of the household is not valued.  And even though it may not be true, she ends up not feeling valued.
  1. Makes unilateral decisions. Some men believe they should make all the big decisions in a marriage, and often most of the small ones too.  In doing this they shut the wife out and destroy any sense of partnership that their spouse may have.  The message is; your opinion is not valuable and I don’t value it.  This is guaranteed to create distance between a man and a woman.
  1. Interrupts her when she is speaking. This is most often done when the wife is trying to tell a husband something, but also may happen in public too.  The husband may be thinking the wife is taking too long getting to the point, or that he knows what the answer to the problem is, or that she is simply talking out of ignorance.  The reason for an interruption is actually irrelevant, because the damage is done by the event of the shutting her down.  The wife is told by this action that what she has to say is unimportant, and she internally interprets this to mean she is also unimportant.

Men – if you believe you don’t have a high level of intimacy in marriage, but honestly want it, you can discuss this list with your wife.  However, your wife may be afraid to be open, so it is probably best to discuss this kind of list, with your wife present, in an emotionally safe place with an experienced third party coach or counselor.  An open and honest appraisal of these items can be very challenging to hear.