CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Compulsive Masturbation

In today’s meeting I read from the book by Milton S. Magness, D.Min. “STOP Sex Addiction: Real Hope, True Freedom For Sex Addicts and Partners” on the topic of Compulsive Masturbation.  We then discussed our own thoughts on masturbation.

NEWbookCOVER2Compulsive Masturbation
p. 58 – 60

Maurice’s Story

Maurice had never been sexual with anyone other than his wife.  Raised in a very conservative family, Maurice did not date much as a teenager.  With his family’s very strict religious beliefs, he did not feel he was allowed to ask questions about sex or have any real sex education.  his parents did have “the talk” with him when he was fifteen.  His father told him that when he was married, he would get very close to his wife and that their resulting relationship would produce babies.

More confused that informed, he found some sex education from friends.  To further fill the information void, Maurice started looking up sexual topics on the Internet.  He found that he could get information on any sexual behavior and could even find photos and videos of people engaging in various sexual acts.  That early search for knowledge turned into a time-consuming addiction by the time he was married.  When his wife finally caught him looking at pornography online, he had developed a habit of engaging in cybersex behaviors for at least two hours a day.  Most of his behavior was limited to browsing pornographic websites, but he recently has been following conversations in sexual chat rooms.

While he has not yet engaged in chat with anyone, Maurice is thinking about starting what he considers to be harmless chat.  While online he has masturbated, sometimes multiple times a day.  A few times he masturbated to the point of injury.  Lately, Maurice’s wife has complained that he is just no interested in sex with her, and she wonders why not.  He realizes that he needs to stop this behavior because of the negative impact it is having on his marriage.  But so far he has not been successful in being able to stop his compulsive masturbation or his use of online pornography.

The topic of masturbation is difficult for some people to talk about.  Studies show that virtually all men and a significant portion of women have masturbated at one time or another.  There is an assumption that masturbation is something individuals outgrow as they leave their teenage years.  In fact, a number of people, both men and women, continue masturbating throughout their adult lives.  Masturbation not only can have negative impact on the sexual relationship in committed relationships, but it may also impact communication and conflict-resolution skills.

How Can Masturbation Damage a Relationship Outside of the Sexual Realm?

The answer is that women and men approach sex differently.  Women typically require an emotional connection with their partner if they are going to have sex.  If problems or conflict exist in the relationship, they must be addressed before many women are willing to be sexual.  It is a different story with men.  Men do not have to have an emotional connection to have sex.  They can completely separate sex from love or emotion.  If a man wants to be sexual but there is some emotional baggage in the relationship, his wife will probably want to “unpack” that baggage before being sexual.  As for him, if he is not willing to wait or make the emotional investment in the relationship, he can masturbate – literally be sexual with himself – and not have to expend any emotional energy.

The fact is that sexually addicted men may choose to continue their self-centered, narcissistic acting out through masturbation rather than attend to the emotional and communication concerns of the relationship.  For many men, masturbation becomes a compulsive act that they use to medicate pain, stress, loneliness, fear, anger, or other emotions.  For that reason, I believe that masturbation within a committed relationship is often selfish and may contribute significantly to the couple having a lower-than-desired frequency of sexual intimacy.

Perhaps the biggest problem with masturbation is that it is a gateway behavior that often ignites other acting-out behaviors.  Before frequenting sexual massage parlors, before the clandestine affair, before seeking out prostitutes, many sex addicts have spent numerous sessions masturbating and then rationalizing their behavior by saying that they were engaging only in masturbation and fantasy.  In other words, they see the self-gratifying action as pertaining only to themselves and not to their spouse as a statement of rejection or withholding of pleasure.  The neurochemical reinforcement provided when on masturbates to fantasy is powerful.  The resulting changes in brain chemistry give a person a high not unlike the high that comes form using certain illegal drugs.

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Surprising Causes of Infidelity

Surprising Causes of Infidelity
Therapists shed a new light on what prompts cheating. Plus: how does porn, Facebook and Match.com influence infidelity?
By Your Tango August 23rd, 2012

A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com—the digital leader in love and relationships—sheds dramatic, new light on infidelity. Surprisingly, it’s not about the sex. Instead, emotional dissatisfaction is the number-one reason both men and women cheat, according to these experts, while sexual dissatisfaction comes in second. Only 8% of respondents say men are “hard-wired” to “spread their seed.”

About this statistic, YourTango Expert Lynn R. Zakeri has this to say: “It may sound surprising, but many men are really looking for someone to connect with, to be their best friend and their intimate partner, and when they lose that connection in their marriage, they may look elsewhere.” Meanwhile, YourTango Expert Dr. Susan Heitler adds, “While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there’s been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected.”

Members of YourTango Experts, an organization of 1,200 psychotherapists, counselors, coaches and other helping professionals, completed a survey that reveals numerous insights on infidelity, including culprits, preventative measures and counterintuitive advice for adulterers.

While nearly 50% agree that technology is a catalyst for cheating, only 7% indicate that Facebook has increased the number of affairs significantly. 90% say that dating sites like Match.com just provide the opportunity; if someone wants to cheat, he/she will find a way regardless of the sites or services available.

The top two measures to prevent cheating are: (1) for both partners to feel valued and important to each other and (2) to have good communication. Satisfying sex clocked in third.

“This data is consistent with our previous research that underscores the real problem for most couples is less about sex and more about feeling valued and communicating successfully,” states Andrea Miller, CEO and Founder of YourTango. “And while 50% of affairs play out sexually, emotional affairs constitute the betrayal a whopping 40% of the time. It’s the lack of closeness that overwhelmingly leads to cheating and discord.”

Thankfully, there’s hope for the unfaithful. 81% disagree with the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater.” YourTango Expert Dr. Shoshanna Bennett explains this result saying, “Sometimes certain factors collide in one’s life which may lead to cheating. Once those circumstances are handled or worked through (usually regarding the primary relationship), the temptation to cheat frequently disappears, never to return again.”

Additional findings include:

  • 59% of experts agree that pornography influences infidelity.
  • 47% of experts say that celebrities do not cheat any more frequently than the rest of us. However, 76% of experts claim that celebrity cheating scandals affect how the rest of us view infidelity.
  • 57% say that if someone in a relationship has been unfaithful, it is not always best for him/her to tell his/her partner.

Complete survey details and additional insights are available through “The Truth About Infidelity” initiative on YourTango.com.

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[Revealed] How Porn Affects Marriages

[Revealed] How Porn Affects Marriages
by evictrapeafrica
http://evictrapeafrica.wordpress.com/2012/10/24/revealed-how-porn-affects-marriages/

Hello buddies! It’s another great time to share some drinks over some real issues. As i said in one of my previous posts, the purpose of discussing pornography on this blog is because it’s been postulated to have links with the unbridled sexual passion that drive many men crazy.

You can check up our archives to catch up with the posts issues on this series. I remember hearing a married man say that he has bought a couple of porn videos to watch with his wife so as to boost her declining libido. Is this really a remedy? Does porn really help to spice up the sex life of couples? We will find out right now. Just as I have been doing so far on this series, I will show you empirical data obtained from thorough research and surveys:

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

  • An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society
  • Diminished trust between intimate couples
  • The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy
  • Belief that promiscuity is the natural state
  • Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy
  • Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners
  • Belief that marriage is sexually confining
  • Lack of attraction to family and child-raising

According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce 2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction 3. Infidelity 4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices 5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing 6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior

A press release from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (divorce lawyers) reported that the most salient factors present in divorce cases are as follows:

68% of the divorces involved one party meeting a new lover over the Internet. 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” 47% involved spending excessive time on the computer. 33% involved excessive time spent speaking in chat rooms. In 2003, a Focus on the Family poll showed 47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home.

In 2004, 42% of surveyed adults indicated that their partner’s use of pornography made them feel insecure, and 41% admitted that they felt less attractive due to their partner’s pornography use.

A brief survey on the effects of cybersex shows how wives of porn users develop deep psychological wounds, reporting feelings of betrayal, loss, depression, mistrust, devastation, anger, and sexual inadequacy. The same survey shows more than half of those engaged in cybersex lost interest in sexual intercourse, and one third of their partners lost interest as well

“I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.” (Dr. MaryAnne Layden)

“Should pornography sufficiently arouse a biologically determined male predisposition for polygamy, then its informational system may be contributing to contemporary male frustration and even aggressiveness toward the female in general and monogamous patterns of sexuality in particular. It may be argued that if the visual data of pornography encourages distrust of female sexual fidelity and a distorted perception of female personhood, such data could encourage disdain and/or animosity toward heterosexual comradeship and the value of such comradeship for individual and social solvency.”

MY THOUGHTS:

I guess you read through the statistics very well. Apparently, porn hasn’t helped any marriage neither in sexual performance nor in companionship. It rather impedes sexual performance and destroys the marital union. Porn makes its users burn with so much sexual passion but when it gets to the time to ‘do the thing’, their performance is almost equal to zero.

As we have seen also, pornography has been found to be connected to the high divorce rate observed in our times.

Pornography obviously has not done us much good. Don’t you think? Share your thoughts with me if you have a contrary view or an additional point to add.

We still have alot more to share on this series. We will definitely share some helpful tips with people who wanna break free from porn.

QUESTION: What suggestions would you offer a woman whose husband is hooked to porn and online sex merchants that he no more enjoys sex with her and this has left their matrimony at the verge of a break up?

I will be expecting your answers. Thank you for stopping by.

For a better world,

TeeKay

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I Lied to My Wife, Now What?

I Lied to My Wife, Now What?
by Jeff Fisher on October 21, 2012
http://porntopurity.com/blog/2012/10/21/i-lied-to-my-wife-now-what/

So what are you going to do now?

What do you think you ought to do?  Do you feel bad about it?  Are you trying to avoid the thought about it and put it in the past?

Maybe you think, “I’ll feel bad about it today, but I’m going to do some good things for my wife and make up for it.  Then I won’t feel so bad.”

Or you think if you push it away you’ll feel less guilty about it tomorrow.  Has that been your strategy?

Maybe you don’t think it really matters.  It’s not that big of a deal.  She probably lied about things too.  I’ve done a lot worse things in the past.

Or the most popular thought:  “I know if I tell the truth it’s going to make things worse.  It’s better to lie and not tell her.”

These are all rationalizations.

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT LYING ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT Your beliefs about lying and experiences are not nearly as important as what God’s Word says.

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Proverbs 12:22 The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Psalm 51:6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Can you see the simplicity of these?  Telling the truth is even the goal of one of the 10 Commandments:

Exodus 20:16 You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

Eliminate the question of “Does God think it’s OK?”  The answer:  no.

God wants you to be truthful.  He is Truth.  Any lie or cover-up is an affront to God’s standards, as well as your covenant with your wife.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I can’t tell you exactly how you need to confess to your wife, but here are some good principles:

  1. Have THAT conversation with your spouse – Confess.  Be truthful.  It sucks, it’s hard, but it’s necessary for intimacy, closeness, connection and knowing each other.  Stop rationalizing.  Man up and own it!
  2. Or have THAT conversation with a counselor first – If there are patterns of lying, deep sexual sin, or adultery involved you probably need to talk to a counselor first.  They’re wise and have tools to help you.
  3. Work toward full disclosure – You might think it’s easier to share a part, let your wife recover, then share more.  Not wise!  A friend of mine calls this “Death by 1000 Needles”.  It’s better to have one big disclosure than 60 mini disclosures.  Your wife will wonder, “What else is he not telling me about?” so it’s best to get it all out. (The leaders of Castimonia recommend a full disclosure through a 3-day intensive program. – See links to the left for two programs approved by the leaders of Castimonia.)
  4. Don’t be defensive – Don’t rationalize your lies or push the blame on your wife.  Take responsibility and own it.
  5. Answer your wife’s questions – It’s her turn to understand and make sense out of this.  She needs to know how much you were involved in (breath) and how deeply were you involved in your sins (depth). It’s not usually necessary or productive to share the “nitty gritty details”, but let a counselor help with this.
  6. Give her space to be angry – To most wives, the deception and the hiding are worse than the actions themselves.  Give her room and time to process her feelings.
  7. Don’t school your wife on how she needs to react and feel – You’re best bet is to shut up, listen and pray.  Any feelings that come out now are good.  If they don’t come out, they will be bottled up and explode later in your relationship.
  8. Work on your part – You can control your actions and your reactions.  Stick to these.  It’s one way you can show love to your wife.
  9. Follow-up – Be a man and lead the way in rebuilding trust and building your relationship.  She may have other feelings to get out.  You and she may need to see the counselor together.  There is always follow up to a confession.

–

Jeff Fisher is a blogger and podcaster living in Raleigh, North Carolina.  He and his wife run www.porntopurity.com.  Jeff’s podcast Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast (I-Tunes) is one of the more popular podcasts on sexual addiction recovery.

You can reach Jeff at jeff@porntopurity.com

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Porn Is Killing Sex

Porn Is Killing Sex
Originally posted to:
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2012/10/26/porn-is-killing-sex/

Marc Barnes, a blogger i just stumbled across, wrote a fantastic piece about what he calls “sustainable sex.”

He writes with wit and wisdom, and is wicked good with images and turns of phrase.

For example:

Our culture is sexually schizophrenic.

All in all, we cannot make up our minds between getting our freak on and collapsing into an armchair, bored and dissatisfied.

In their death throes, humans fade into nothingness while flailing in fits of energy. At the end of all action, there is a panic of action. This saddens me to no end, for sex is awesome, beautiful, unifying, and life-giving, and yet we see mirrored in our sexual culture what we see in death — grotesque action on the way to final inaction. Is sex dying?

Pornography and subsequent masturbation have set an impossibly high standard for women. Men have seen hundreds of fake-breasted, airbrushed, aroused-to-the-point-of-myocardial-infarction pixels, all contorted into positions that would make an Olympic gymnast proud — before they have lain with an actual, warm-blooded woman.

Read the full blog post.  He makes some comments about contraception to which i don’t necessarily subscribe, but his point that it fuels what he refers to as a consequence-free approach to sex — which is very damaging to us — is well taken.

Barnes encourages his readers to, respectfully, give our culture the bird and walk away from what it is trying to sell us in terms of sexuality. Are we sexually schizophrenic? Absolutely.