Saturday Morning Meeting Topics

July 4, 2014 By Castimonia

A Declaration of Independence

A Declaration of Independence
Originally posted on July 4, 2012

Today, we celebrate Independence Day in the United States of America. I am grateful for the freedoms we have been given in this country. Some of the freedoms I had, however, were very harmful to me. These freedoms included the freedom to view and use pornography, the freedom to pursue happiness in legal forms of sexual acting out, and the freedom to worship my own god; sex addiction. I have also been given new freedoms, the freedom choose a recovery program that satisfies my needs, the freedom to say “no” to sexual acting out, and the freedom to call Jesus Christ my higher power, and worship Him fully without fear of persecution or harm against me or my family.

Independence means a lot of things to different people. The definition is written below:

in·de·pend·ence /ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəns/ [in-di-pen-duhns] noun 1. Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent. 2. freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

In my case, it is freedom from the control of my sexual addiction and the behaviors associated with that addiction. Every July 4th, I not only celebrate the independence of these United States of America, but I also make the following declaration written below, as edited from the original Declaration of Independence.

I, Jorge S., a recovering sex addict, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intention, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Jesus Christ and my healthy being, solemnly publish and declare, That I am, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of sexual compulsive behaviors, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to demoralizing and incomprehensible compulsive sexual behaviors, and that all connection between me and my addiction, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent man, I have full Power to levy War against my addiction, conclude Peace of mind, contract Alliances in my recovery, establish psychological therapy as needed to do all other Acts and Things which a healthy, sexually pure man may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Jesus Christ, I mutually pledge to my Life, my Fortunes, and my sacred Honor.

My declaration is short and to the point, definitely not as elegant as the one written by our Country’s founders. Also, I wish it was as simple as making the declaration! The United States had to fight a war, and subsequent wars against the British to gain their independence. Furthermore, the United States had to continue to battle against other foreign nations in order to gain full independence. And later, it had to fight a Civil War (a war against oneself) in order to maintain its independence! Even today, the United States continues to fight to maintain its independence, this fight may be against terrorists, against energy monopolies, against corruption, etc… The point is, the United States of American has continued to fight to maintain its independence and must continue to fight.

In this same way, I need to continue to fight against my sexual addiction. I can’t let my guard down. If I do, then I will have allowed my addiction a foothold into my life and that makes the fall easier! I must be always vigilant in my struggle to maintain sexual purity. Sexual Purity is not a right, it is a privilege given to me, by God, on a daily basis, and I must always be grateful for that privilege and do whatever I can to maintain it. I have not been and am not perfect, however, I will continue to strive for progress, not perfection in my recovery.

So I not only declare indepenendce from my sexual addiction but also that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my sobriety. One moment at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

June 14, 2014 By Castimonia

Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Cat’s in the Cradle

Today, I played a popular song by Harry Chapin in honor of father’s day tomorrow. I relate very much to this song as I have struggled with (and continue to sometimes struggle with) the “Father Wound”, more specifically, the Absent Father Wound. My father, although present in my life during my early childhood, was extremely busy with studying for his masters and doctorate degrees. I felt as if he wasn’t around (or didn’t want to be around his children, especially me because I was “spoiled”). He kept hardcore pornography around and within reach of a 4 year old (me), cheated on my mother multiple times, and physically abandoned us when I was in high school (he emotionally abandoned us when I was younger). The ending verses of the song ring very true, I grew up to be just like my father, both in my Sexual immorality and in that I no longer speak to him (and I tried weekly phone calls when I entered recovery but found we had nothing in common and even worse, he placed his work over speaking to me, further wounding me). I chose to practice “healthy detachment” from an unhealthy individual.

Thankfully, I have worked a 4th Step on this resentment and although I am still emotionally triggered by Father’s Day, it doesn’t sink my “emotional ship”. I know he did the best he could given his upbringing and the situation we were in. If it wasn’t for his sacrifice in leaving his job to pursue a higher education and bring his family to the United States, then my life would have been completely different, and not in a good way considering there is little recovery in my country of origin.

Nevertheless, I don’t deny the emotions that rise up from this wound, I acknowledge them, and ask for God’s continued healing of these wounds.

Furthermore, as a father, I can take the message in the song and not make the same mistakes my father made (at least since my entering recovery). I have two very young daughters and one on the way. I acknowledge that I am not a perfect father, only God is, but I will raise my girls to glorify Him and do whatever I can to minimize the wounds I inflict on my children.

I wrote this recently in my journal concerning my father wound: All I can do is accept the past, learn from it, and change the future for my children.

Click on the play button on the embedded player below to listen to the song.

Cat’s In The Cradle
by Harry Chapin

Child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say, “I’m gonna be like you, dad.
You know I’m gonna be like you.”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
“When you coming home, dad?” “I don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then.
You know we’ll have a good time then.”

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let’s play.
Can you teach me to throw?” I said, “Not today,
I got a lot to do.” He said, “That’s ok.”
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
Said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I’m gonna be like him.”

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you. Can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and he said with a smile
“What I’d really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
“When you coming home, son?” “I don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then, dad.
You know we’ll have a good time then.”

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.”
He said, “I’d love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see, my new job’s a hassle and the kid’s got the flu.
But it’s sure nice talking to you, dad.
It’s been sure nice talking to you.”
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
“When you coming home, son?”
“I don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then, dad.
We’re gonna have a good time then.”

Take what you like and leave the rest.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This audio clip may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

May 24, 2014 By Castimonia

United We Stand – VIDEO

One of the things I have appreciated in my recovery is the ability to spot recovery-related items in Hollywood movies. In the movie Gladiator, there is a scene where the gladiators must fight in the Colosseum in Rome replaying the Battle of Carthage. Out numbered and overpowered by chariots, the gladiators, led by the outcast General Maximus Decimus Meridius, are commanded to “stay together” to survive. As men in recovery, we have learned that we need to stay together, as part of the group, in order to battle the addiction. For me, this translates to, making phone calls, attending meetings, sponsoring others, and reaching out to those that still struggle. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

April 4, 2014 By Castimonia

Marital Fidelity in a MySpace (Facebook) World

Today, couples face old temptations coming repackaged with a new, technological twist. Bob Waliszewski explores how married couples should preserve fidelity in the face of computers, anonymity and MySpace (Facebook).

by Bob Waliszewski

From the first relationship in the Garden itself, it’s clear spouses don’t always have their partner’s best interest in mind.

You know the story – the serpent tempted Eve who in turn coaxed Adam who was with her to bite into the forbidden fruit. Adam, of course, was Eve’s husband, her helpmate, her friend, her confidant. And yet, there’s nothing in the Genesis account that would indicate Eve struggled with her decision to involve Adam. Did she not care about him? Did she not love him? Certainly, but isn’t it interesting that “love” just wasn’t enough of a protection in this particular situation?

In a nutshell, Eve bit hook, line and sinker when the devil convinced her that the real reason God didn’t want her to eat the fruit was because he was trying to withhold from them something exceedingly good. In essence, the serpent was calling God a liar. All of a sudden Eve went from someone completely vested in her husband to one who contributed to his downfall (which is not to say Adam didn’t have the responsibility for his own actions).

It doesn’t take a degree in Marriage and Family to realize that husbands and wives have for thousands of years been making similarly selfish decisions, many with lifelong negative consequences. One thing that is different, however, is that in today’s world, couples face technologically-driven temptations along this line as well. Old enticements often come repackaged with a new twist using today’s computers and the anonymity that comes within cyberworld.

A MySpace (Facebook) World

Obviously, the Internet has introduced pornography into many, many homes. Although a huge problem, I want to focus on less obvious temptations affecting some marriages. For instance, the other day while doing research about social networking sites, I stumbled upon a MySpace profile that I’m sure represents untold thousands. Here was a man who described himself as married with several children. But he had built his entire online profile describing himself as some type of, well, I’ll use the term “sex-god.” He had posted photos of women in various sensual poses, often with very little clothing. In an online poll he had pasted into his site, he had asked sexually-oriented questions in inappropriate fashion.

I couldn’t help but wonder why a married man would do such a thing? Nor could I help but wonder what his wife or children would think if they discovered his secret online “life.” (Perhaps his wife does know, which presents a whole other set of problems). Because the Internet world is considered a private domain where the user can be anonymous, this man apparently felt safe to try and make himself out to be some sort of Casanova.

Whatever the reason, he’s certainly not alone. Just ask Sue Hoogestraat. According to an article in The Wall Street Journal, she was understandably upset when she discovered her husband had a virtual marriage in Second Life, a fictional cyberworld where online visitors participate in commerce, sex and relationships, and build their own imaginary world. Although Ric Hoogestraat had never met, or even spoken with, Janet Speilman, the woman who controlled her online character, the two constantly spent time “together” in cyberspace – eventually “marrying.” “It’s really devastating,” expressed Sue. “You talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they’ll be having sex with a cartoon.” Ric can’t understand why his wife would have a problem with his online escapades. In his mind, it’s all a big game. But is it?

The Dangers of Anonymity

Brad Paisley’s hit country single, “Online,” humorously describes a pudgy loner who boasts of chatting with several women online (or at least he thinks they’re women). As he chats, he claims to be taller and thinner than he actually is. Although the song intentionally pokes fun at how people can and do represent themselves via the anonymity of the Internet, it’s no laughing matter when a married person goes online intentionally looking for someone to fill a need that only his or her spouse should satisfy.

Some may argue that having an edgy social networking profile, carrying on online relationships and chatting within cyberspace is relatively innocent stuff because there’s no intention of really getting involved physically. I’d argue to the contrary. It’s not just getting involved physically that crosses the line, it’s the very desire to play around online in an area involving a certain amount of intimacy.

For some married individuals who feel under-appreciated and under-respected, the anonymity of the Web allows for a chance to flirt and pretend. What could be wrong with that? Dr. David Jeremiah, commenting about a list of “hedges” that individuals need to put up to guard their marriages, had this to say about flirting: “Never flirt, even in jest. Never flirt with someone other than your [spouse].” Of course, flirting used to be something that primarily occurred face-to-face. Not any more. Flirting can now take place through chat, text message, IM, online gaming and profiles. Still, Dr. Jeremiah’s advice is valid.

The Gift of Intimacy

The author of Proverbs offers incredible advice along these lines when he says: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. …May you rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always. …Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” (Proverbs 5:15-20, NIV) Clearly, the writer is not referring to actual water but to the intimacy that occurs in marriage. Furthermore, this water is more than just the sexual aspect. It includes the closeness, the oneness and the entire sense of unity that a husband and wife can and do experience when they do things God’s way.

One of the greatest gifts the Lord ever gave us was the gift of intimacy. As described in the Bible, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5, NIV). Jesus added, “So they are no longer two, but one” (Matthew 19:6, NIV). It’s that oneness, that intimacy, that water that married individuals are called upon by marriage’s Creator to guard closely, pray about regularly and fight for diligently.

April 2, 2014 By Castimonia

Traveling Toward Marital Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them.

by Paul Coughlin

Accountability to another person about your visual and emotional infidelity can be helpful—but not as helpful as we like to believe. After a while, one husband told me, “It’s pretty easy to lie to the person who is questioning you. It’s so autonomous–how are they really going to know?”

Putting computers out in the open is helpful as well in order to break the power of autonomy. But what happens when no one is around to see you on that website or watching that soap opera? There is a more lasting approach: Addressing the reasons why a husband or wife would turn to someone other than their spouse when desiring sexual and emotional intimacy, then creating a realistic level of intimacy within your existing marriage.

As mentioned previously, virtual infidelity increases when we are lonely, in duress, angry or spurned. These are threshold experiences, portals toward infidelity but also intimacy since conflict can sometimes be intimacy in disguise.

Two Paths Toward Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them in order to create a stronger and co-mingled path toward intimacy.

Generally speaking, women prefer talking and thinking together as men prefer touching and other forms of physical togetherness. I was unaware of these distinctions for the first 15 years of my marriage and this ignorance lead to unnecessary heartache. When my wife would desire to sit down and talk and think with me about everyday matters, I did not understand just how important these activities were to her. I treated them like items on a To Do List—check them off and be done with them. I did not understand that like foreplay, she enjoyed talking and thinking together with leisure and creativity. I have since learned to force myself to slow down and to be a better listener, knowing that she finds pleasure in these experiences and her pleasure is important to me. Now I find pleasure in these activities as well, but they still are not my primary paths toward intimacy. I’m still, after all, a guy.

Likewise, some wives may at first have to force themselves to move in the direction of their husband’s path toward intimacy. This is not to say that wives do not enjoy touching and other forms of physical togetherness. It’s just that for some it isn’t their primary form of expression. So for some wives, this could mean going on more walks together or taking up an activity that requires touching, like dancing. It may mean making sex more creative and frequent than before.

Christians More Passive

No discussion about the intersection between sexual and emotional fidelity and contemporary Christianity is complete without addressing pervasive passivity. Studies show that people who attend church have a more passive personality than the population in general (one study has the discrepancy at 60% to 85%). Passivity is sometimes a manifestation of cowardice, which is a sin (Revelation 21:8).

Passive people are more prone toward addiction. And this is particularly damaging when it comes to virtual infidelity, an ideal hiding place for the passive personality. Here passive people have their needs placated but never truly met; sexual arousal and emotional titillation, but never tenderness, adoration, and a soulful repose. Here the passive do not have to undergo the challenging duty of standing their ground and stating plainly what they desire as normal human beings. Passive personalities prefer that their spouse guess as to what they really want, which is unfair, confusing and fertile soil for inevitable resentment. And most passive spouses behave this way because they are fearful. There is a great acronym for fear that is helpful when understanding this side of virtual infidelity: False Evidence Appearing Real. Many times, though we might feel very uncomfortable at first, the fact remains that many of our fears are unfounded. Many spouses are willing to at least try to help the person they love to have their needs met in their marriage.

Honest, Frank Explanations

So for some husbands, an honest and frank explanation of just how important sexual intercourse is to them is in order. Wives are not born with this knowledge and our culture rarely reveals it, so they need husbands to tell them how difficult it is for them to keep their thought-life pure without their wives’ help. Likewise for wives, an honest and frank explanation of emotional connection may be in order, and probably has been for a while. Both genders need help understanding each other’s inner regions, which are both similar and unique, and they need to express these truths without anger, sarcasm or contempt (eye-rolling is the most common expression of contempt). During such times, putting your thoughts on paper beforehand helps to keep them straight in our minds. It is the foolish spouse who does not heed and honor such a tender and powerful revelation of the soul.

Being sexual and emotional are normal, healthy and right in marriage. There is no good reason to apologize for either desire since both come from the good hand of God. Having both needs met in a realistic fashion is among the main reasons we marry in the first place. These facts help to give us the courage we need to talk about them without whimpering or yelling.

And finally, a word of warning for all of us who live in our hyper-sexualized age: Erotic and highly emotional experiences are not meant to be consumed with great regularity. Like all things deep and sacred, they are not designed to be on tap 24/7. They are powerful, too powerful it seems, for the human soul to regularly absorb, very much like radiation, which also possessed a mysterious capacity to heal and curse. These facts help to put our good desires in perspective during our age of virtual infidelity.