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Why Is Your Partner’s Smartphone Use an Issue?

Smartphones have now been with us for 10 years, and play a huge part in our lives. We use them to take selfies, connect on social media and dating apps, read the news, and play interactive games. Many people check their smartphones as the last thing they do at night and then first thing in the morning. Train and bus passengers constantly gaze at their phones; people even stare at them when walking down the street, oblivious to others. There is no doubt that phones have changed the ways we behave and live.

Smartphones provide a way for people to stay closely connected with family and friends, and the array of options arguably create feelings of connectedness with others, but excessive use means that users forgo face-to-face interactions. Diverting one’s attention to a smartphone while in the company of another is a behavior known as phubbing, a portmanteau of phone and snub, and generally considered to be impolite or inappropriate in the context of social interaction.

If phubbing is impolite and inappropriate, what is the effect of such behavior on romantic relationships? Is it tolerated because of the closeness of romantic partners, or is its impact exacerbated because of it? Further, are there gender differences in emotional reactions and responses to phubbing?

McDaniel and Coyne (2016) suggest that smartphones can be intrusive and interfere with face-to-face interactions, with one partner feeling upset if the other becomes too absorbed in their phone when they are spending time together. Any distraction or intrusion when partners are together might cause upset, but are intrusions caused by smartphone use more of a problem? Does phubbing merely cause one partner to feel upset because they feel ignored? Or does it go further and cause them to be upset due to a feeling of jealousy as their partner is possibly connecting with a third party via their phone? Remember that one aspect of jealousy is the perceived threat to a relationship from another party.

Hanna Krasnova and colleagues investigated jealousy in partner phubbing and relationship outcomes (Krasnova, Abramova, Notter & Baumann, 2016). In their study, they employed participants between the ages 26 and 40, an age group they argue are most likely to use smartphones, while at the same time likely to be seeking sustainable romantic relationships.

The researchers asked participants to think of the last time their partner used their smartphone for too long in their presence. Participants reported that this happened:

  • When they were at home together (33.6 percent).
  • In bed before going to sleep (19.6 percent).
  • When they were home having a meal together (10.8 percent).
  • In the car or on public transport (9.8 percent).
  • When going out (4.5 percent).

(The remainder of the answers were watching TV, walking, and shopping.)

When asked to describe their emotions on these occasions, participants reported the following:

  • Loss of attention (28.6 percent).
  • Anger (19.4 percent).
  • Sadness/suffering (11.1 percent).
  • Boredom (3.2 percent).
  • Indifference (38.1 percent).
  • Happiness (4.4 percent).

The only notable gender difference was in happiness, with males reporting more happiness than females. However, compared to males, females reported more anger, sadness, and indifference.

The researchers then asked about participants’ coping strategies to phubbing. Reactions included:

  • Voicing intervention, such as making a request to stop using the phone (27.1 percent).
  • Showing curiosity by either looking at the other’s screen or voicing suspicion (7.3 percent).
  • Mirroring; for example, doing the same as a partner (6.9 percent).
  • Doing something else (13 percent).
  • Loyalty, such as showing tolerance, waiting, and understanding (22.3 percent).
  • Feeling negative—being annoyed or angry (7.3 percent).
  • No reaction (22.3 percent).

In terms of gender differences, males reported coping more in terms of loyal reactions compared to females. Further, males were twice as likely to exhibit mirroring behavior compared to females. Overall, it seems that males report more positive emotional responses and coping with phubbing behavior compared to females.

Finally, the researchers tested the relationship between partner phubbing, feelings of jealousy, and relational cohesion (the feeling of togetherness or emotional bonding). They found that it was not just annoyance or the feeling of being ignored when their partner used their phone that impacted on cohesion. Rather, it was more likely affected by an individual’s feeling of jealousy at their partner using their smartphone.

While jealousy is often discussed within the context of partner rivalry, jealousy is often experienced in other ways, such as a partner spending time with friends, or time at work; overall, jealousy can be associated with relationship deterioration. Previous research on jealousy revealed that not all interruptions to a social interaction are perceived equally; even from an early age we experience more intense feelings of jealousy towards social objects than inanimate ones (Hart et al, 2004).

The research of Krasnova et al. seems to suggest that we tend to see smartphones more as social objects—not just phones or computers—because they enable connection with others. Overall, it seems that it is not the process of phubbing itself (merely being ignored), but the feeling of jealousy (a partner connecting with another person) that phubbing triggers which ultimately leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

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References

Hart, S. L. Carrington, H. A., Tronick, E. Z. and S. R. Carrol (2004).’When infants lose exclusive maternal attention: Is it jealousy?’ Infancy 6 (1), 57-78.

Krasnova, H., Abramova, O., Notter, I.,Baumann, A. (June 2016) ‘Why phubbing is toxic for your relationship: Understanding the role of smartphone jealousy among ‘generation Y’ users’ (Unpublished). In: 24th European Conference on Information Systems (ECIS). Istanbul, Turkey.

McDaniel, B. T. & S. M. Coyne (2016). ‘Technoference: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being.’ Psychology of PopularMedia Culture, 5(1), 85-98.

 psychologytoday.com · by Martin Graff Ph.D.

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Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Goes to TEDMED

Source: Stephanie Neal

Last year culminated in a once in a lifetime opportunity—the chance to give a TEDMED talk to a curated, attentive and influential audience about child sexual abuse prevention. TEDMED is the independently owned and operated health and medicine edition of the world-famous TED conference. This annual event is dedicated to “ideas worth spreading.”

The theme for 2016 was “What if…?” and speakers were asked to imagine new possibilities for advancement in medicine, public health and biomedical sciences.

I asked the question: what if we stopped treating child sexual abuse as solely a criminal justice problem and instead treated it as the preventable public health problem that it is?

In my talk, I told the story of the fateful day I met with the journalist who would break the story about non-offending pedophiles and my research in finding a public health approach to ending child sexual abuse. Luke Malone brought the idea of child sexual abuse prevention into the living rooms of millions of Americans who listened to his story on This American Life.

I also discussed some important statistics that everyone should know. The peak age for engaging a prepubescent child in harmful or illegal sexual behavior is 14, and about half of all sexual offences against prepubescent children are committed by other children.

Another important statistic is that nearly 98 percent of children convicted of a sexual offense are never reconvicted of a new sexual offence. This shows that adolescent sexual offending is short-lived and it strongly suggests that we can prevent the first offence.

And yet, instead of focusing on prevention, we put most of our efforts on punishment.

Children who are caught engaging in harmful sexual acts might receive treatment instead of prosecution, which acknowledges that children, even those who make serious mistakes, have the potential to be rehabilitated.

For the children who get caught, prosecuted and convicted of sex crimes, they are often treated like adults. They can face incarceration and sex offender registration and public notification, sometimes for life. Registered children can be prohibited from living near schools, parks and playgrounds—the very places where our children thrive.

And what do we make of the people who discover in adolescence that they have an unwanted attraction to prepubescent children? Our interviews with 30 young adults living with an unwanted attraction to children revealed just how hard it is to find help and cope with their attractions. Many reported that they felt isolated, depressed and even contemplated suicide. Many said that what they truly needed (and could not find) was help in dealing with the shame and stigma that can accompany these attractions.

As part of the TEDMED talk, I presented quotes from these interviews to provide the audience with a better understanding of non-offending pedophiles. (Luke Malone also moderated a panel discussion on non-offending pedophiles that was held in 2015). For children dealing with an unwanted attraction to prepubescent children, acting out might not be the only issue. Some will need our help to resist acting on strong urges some of the time.

So what needs to happen now?

We must start thinking about child sexual abuse as a preventable public health problem. This includes providing all children access to effective prevention programs that focus both on avoiding harm and on attaining health and happiness.

Good programs will teach children how to behave responsibly around younger children; they will encourage children to disclose attractions to others when it is safe to do so and they will inspire all of us to respond to those disclosures with understanding and compassion.

I’ve had positive feedback about the talk so far. A reporter from the Huffington Post called it “one of the boldest” TEDMED talks for that year.

I anticipate that TEDMED will release a publicly accessible link to my talk (and others). But for now, I’ll continue to look for opportunities to bring the idea of child sexual abuse prevention to as many diverse audiences as possible.

psychologytoday.com · by Elizabeth Letourneau, Ph D.

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The Purpose of Confronting Controllers

Mark 8:31-33 – “Jesus then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

One of the most important benefits of having boundaries is that we have the ability to stand up to others when they try to control our lives. Peter wanted to impose his own design for

Jesus’ life onto Jesus, but Jesus had good boundaries; he stood up to Peter and rebuked him.

Jesus showed that he was in control of himself and would not be defined and controlled by Peter, no matter how good Peter’s intentions might have been. The truth is that Peter was thinking, not of God’s purposes, but of his own agenda. Peter was trying to rescue Jesus instead of turning the situation over to God.

We must be on guard against anyone or anything that might take control of us. Self-control is the fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). When we have self-control, we maintain the ability to stand up to aggressive controllers who try to tell us who we should be and what we should do. Although we are wise to listen to others and be open to their feedback, we should never allow someone to be in control of us and define who we are. Setting appropriate boundaries helps us to retain that kind of freedom and self-control.

This devotional is drawn from The NIV Life Journey Bible, which features notes based on the precepts developed by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Should a Pastor be Fired if He’s Viewing Porn? | Covenant Eyes

Ask adult Christians what should be done if their pastor is using pornography, and 41% say “He/she should be fired or asked to resign.”* Another 29% say the pastor should take a leave of absence until he/she stops using porn. Those over 50 years of age were more adamant about that—47% of age 51-69 and 57% of age 70+ were ready to can the pastor. But only 35% of age 25-30 and 27% of age 31-50 felt that way.

Wow! If that were the case, a lot of pastors would be out of a job! More than half (57%) of pastors say they are either currently struggling (14%) or have struggled in the past (43%) with pornography, and 33% of the ones currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

Among youth pastors, the numbers are higher: 64% say they are struggling (21%) or have struggled in the past (43%). A whopping 56% of those currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

It is not surprising that pastors think a little differently than the 41% of lay people who say pastors should be fired. Only 8% of pastors think that a pastor “should be fired or asked to resign” if found using porn.

And it is even less surprising to find out that 55% of those using porn “live in constant fear of being discovered.” No kidding! I know of many pastors who, upon being discovered, lose their careers, their families, their homes, their friends, everything. Some have even ended their own lives as a result of being discovered.

What solutions do pastors suggest?

  • 82% said they should find a professional counselor.
  • 59% said they should find “a group of mature Christians who can hold him accountable.”
  • Only 1% of the pastors said that the congregation should be told.

But congregations are unaware of the scope of the problem. Awareness precedes understanding, and understanding precedes action. Once the people understand how addictive porn is and recognize that pastors are as prone to the sin as anyone else, they can take action.

If there is no problem among your pastors, that’s great! But as the pastors themselves say, accountability is the best preventive medicine. How devastating it would be to coast along, thinking there will be no problem, only to find out you need to rehabilitate or replace a key staff person. How disrupting to the ministry, how costly for the counseling, how humiliating for the staff—all of which could be headed off by installing Covenant Eyes on all of the staff computers to maintain accountability and have open and transparent conversations.

It would be like the Black Plague on the church if all of the struggling pastors had to resign. I believe they need help, not banishment. I also believe we need to educate the church that porn is a pervasive problem, and pastors are human, too. If we force pastors to live in constant fear, we force them to NOT seek help, the very help they know is needed.

The majority of those who struggle know what must be done–they need professional counseling along with accountability partners. But they aren’t going to seek that help if they can’t admit they struggle, and they can’t admit they struggle if they know they’re out the door the next minute. We need to meet them at the foot of the cross, where Christ took on the burden of our sins, as well as those of our pastors.

*All data in this article are from The Porn Phenomenon, a 2016 study by the Barna Group.

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Partners, Addicts & Empathy

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/partners-addicts-empathy/

I heard a beautiful story the other day that reminded me of the power of empathy in relationships impacted by sex addiction.

An addict with several years of sobriety—in recovery for more than 10 years—came home from his weekly meeting with his sponsor. He’s been working through the 12 steps again, and was finishing his work on Step 9—Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

His sponsor told him that sometimes we hurt people but we have no idea because the person we hurt doesn’t tell us. The addict thought about it and asked his partner this question:

Is there anything I’ve done in the past that caused harm to you that I might not be aware of?

As you might imagine, this became one of those deeply healing moments between a sex addict and his partner when she knows that his recovery is real. She knows because he is accountable, vulnerable, and empathic.

One of the most consistent complaints I hear from partners of sex addicts is that the sex addict in their life lacks empathy.

Empathy is defined as:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”

There are several reasons addicts—especially those who are newly sober or in the first year of recovery—struggle with empathy.

An addict’s capacity for feeling and emotion is typically blunted or inaccessible. Addictive behaviors temporarily help addicts manage their emotions, numb out, or protect them from pain, fear, and shame.

In early recovery, addicts wage a fierce internal battle to stop a behavior or substance they’ve used for years—perhaps decades. Because much of their energy is being channeled toward recovery work, there is little additional energy or internal space for addicts to take in the feelings or reality of other people—even those closest to them. It doesn’t mean addicts don’t love their partners. It just means that addiction is powerful and consuming.

Another reason addicts struggle with empathy is that addiction is a one-person system. The hallmarks of addiction are secrecy, isolation, preoccupation, and unmanageability. Whether it’s food, sex, gambling, or a substance—the addictive substance or behavior is an addict’s Higher Power and his God.

Lastly, addicts lack access to their own empathy because they’re protecting themselves from their own shame. In other words, if they allow themselves to think about and reflect on the pain they’ve caused their partner (or others), they fear they will be overwhelmed and debilitated by their shame.

5 ways addicts can improve their capacity for empathy:

1

Shame is one of the biggest barriers to empathy. Feeling shame and remorse about your past behavior is healthy, but the kind of shame that tells you you’re worth-less or defective is toxic shame. And this is the shame you need to release.

Find ways to release and reduce shame. One of the most powerful ways to reduce shame is to disclose to safe people what you feel shame about. Often, just the simple act of telling another person the truth about yourself and what you’ve done can be liberating and empowering.

2

Participation in communities of support like 12-step meetings helps addicts increase their capacity for empathy. The emotional stakes are low—and the nervous system is calmer—when listening to people with whom you’re not in a long-term committed relationship. It is often much easier for addicts to listen to and empathize with other addicts, or the other addict’s partner, as they listen to their experiences and challenges.

3

Couples recovery or therapy groups are also highly effective in increasing empathy because the addict has an opportunity to hear directly from other partners who’ve had experiences similar to—or even identical with—his partner. Again, because there is no emotional investment or concern over losing his relationship, addicts are better able to take in the reality of the other partner.

In fact, partners of sex addicts have the same experience when participating in “S” couples recovery or therapy groups—meaning they’re able to understand the addict’s recovery in a new way, or even empathize with his struggles through hearing the stories of other addicts in the room.

While it may be frustrating for partners that the addict is more receptive to what another partner said rather than to what she said, it is very common for people in general to have less difficulty taking in challenging or even painful information from someone they’re not emotionally attached to.

4

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine how they might feel. Make a practice of asking yourself how you would feel if you were having the same experience as another person or if you were in their situation. Consider how it might feel to be a member of a different ethnic group, gender, religion, race, or skin color than you. When doing an exercise like this, it’s easier to start with someone you know casually but have little, or no, tension or conflict with—then build your way up to people you are closer to.

5

Nonverbal cues or body language are often a more accurate and revealing picture of what’s happening with another person than the words spoken.

A person’s body language says a lot about their internal state. When people feel shame they often lower their head or cover their face. When sad, they may appear hunched over or closed off.  When someone feels confident they’re usually sitting or standing more upright and have an alert, positive expression on their face. Begin noticing people’s body language as a way of understanding their internal emotional state.

Want to learn more about empathy and take a quiz to see how empathic you are? Read Roman Krznaric’s article, Six Habits of Highly Empathic People, here. Mr. Krznaric is is a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London and an empathy advisor to organizations including Oxfam and the United Nations.