… is part of Step One
prostitute
Journal Through Recovery Entry 19: The Care of God
We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God, as we understood God. – Step Three
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)
I finished Step Two! I am officially insane. Yay, me! Great way to start a new week. That realization sucks. Really a lot. I have spent a lot of time thinking over my past decisions. How I ended up here. I came up with one very obvious learning from this self-reflection: I make TERRIBLE decisions. Obvious, right? Obviously not. I didn’t think so. Quite the opposite, I used to brag on my spiritual gift of discernment. Wow. Insanity is absolutely right.
So on to Step Three. I think I have done this. I know that God makes better decisions than I do, so why not turn over decision making authority to him? Give him power of attorney for my life. That seems easy enough. I am sure my sponsor will see that as well and it’s off to Step Four. I should be healed in 3 to 4 months at this rate. Cool!
OK, well he didn’t agree. Figures. He wants me to look at where my heart was in my acting out. What was the state of my heart during that time? OK, let’s review. First, my heart was selfish. I only wanted to fulfill my own needs despite the consequences to others. I spent our personal savings on acting out. I told my wife I wanted to leave her via a text message. I missed key points in my kids’ lives, time I will never get back nor will they. Just to fulfill my own acting out desires.
The state of my heart? Dirty. That’s all I think of when I think of the state of my heart at that time. Dirty. Filthy with selfishness, self-righteousness. My heart was my own. Not God’s. I wasn’t surrendered despite professing to be a faithful believer in Christ. The state of my heart was that I didn’t trust God with my life, only my salvation.
My counselor put it to me this way very early in my recovery. I was trying to understand why I wasn’t healed. I didn’t get why I couldn’t just ask God to fix me and that would be that. So he dumbed it down for me, which I obviously needed. This is how he said it. He asked me what fundamentally changed when I asked Christ into my heart, believed in Him. I wasn’t sure. He pointed out that one thing happened, just one thing. Death was no longer on the table. I was free from eternal separation from God.
Yes, exactly. I agree. That’s what happens. Then he stated…that’s it. That’s what happens when you accept Christ. Your character defects don’t go away, you don’t all of a sudden exit a fallen world. You don’t transform into a new creation with a new body and no flaws. You are still human and still sinful. To change those character defects, you have to be obedient in following a path to sanctification.
That is what I missed. I never saw it. Or I saw it and I didn’t want to hear it or believe it. I need to turn over my life and my WILL to God. That means how I daily live my life, moment to moment. The 12 steps are a path of sanctification for me. One that God has provided to me even though I didn’t want to see it. OK, I see it. God, I turn over my life and my will. ALL my life. So on to the defects and identifying them.
What We Really Wanted was a Hug …
Sexual impurity/addiction is an intimacy disorder.
ALL Monday Night Meetings Canceled – 12/26/2016, The Fellowship Meeting Canceled 1/2/2017 Also
Our host churches for all Castimonia meetings will be closed in observance of Christmas (the day after). Therefore we are canceling this coming week’s Monday night meetings for 12/26/2016 only. The Lifepath meeting will resume the following Monday night, 1/2/2017 at its regular time and location. The Monday night meeting at The Fellowship will also be canceled on Monday, January 2, 2017 and will resume the following Monday, January 9th.
For an alternate meeting, please attend the Saturday morning meeting at The Fellowship, Tuesday night meeting at Cinco Ranch Church of Christ, or Tuesday night meeting at Vineyard Church in Sugar Land. All meeting locations can be found on the link below.
Journal Through Recovery Entry 18: Triggered
I have been struggling with what exactly being triggered means and when it happens. Specifically, why does my wife get triggered? What causes it? I know the obvious things. I recognize when she sees something or someone that reminds her of my acting out. It’s the things I don’t know, the subtle times. It usually occurs right before we go to bed. She likes to decompress at night, to relax after we do our intimacy exercises. Those are the times her mind goes to places I don’t know and can’t control. That’s what I am learning to do, not attempt to manipulate or control her thoughts or where she goes. My counselor has been clear that I need to allow her to feel her own pain and deal with it without trying to keep her from doing so.
I have spent a lifetime with her attempting to manipulate her feelings, change her focus, and keep her thoughts and moods in a positive place to keep her from looking too deeply into me. I am not really practiced at reigning that in, at staying away from trying to control her moods. It’s scary and actually pretty freeing. When I realize I don’t have anything to hide, it helps when she is triggered. It’s painful and hard, being the brunt of her anger and rage. However, staying engaged really keeps it from spiraling. When I stay present, answer her questions, reassure her with facts and not empty platitudes, I see small chinks in her anger and distrust. I can live with that.
The one part I am struggling with is when I am triggered. For me, it’s been difficult to realize when that is occurring. This weekend, we had a difficult few days. My wife was upset at me. I happen to be an introvert. I don’t speak without thinking. I mean I have to be clear on what I am going to say before I say it. This sometimes causes issues. Like this weekend. She told me that she didn’t like how I did something. I don’t even remember what it was. I didn’t respond quickly. She immediately said that obviously I was now mad and she said she was leaving for a while. Before I could say anything she was out the door and gone for several hours.
About an hour or so later, I realized something. My anxiety was ramping up. A whole lot. It had been ramped up ever since she left. It took that long for me to recognize where my thoughts had gone. I was thinking she was leaving me permanently, I didn’t deserve her, I was obviously not good enough, I could never be good enough. After an hour of these thoughts and a sinking sense of worth, I realized what was happening. I was triggered. I felt my addiction truly for what it was. I recognized the same feelings I had before I acted out or planned to act out. The same sense of insecurity, lack of self-worth, abandonment. All those overwhelming emotions that I always sought to avoid through acting out. Through feeding my addiction.
I was triggered. That was what this was. I took a very deep breath, texted several guys, asked for prayer, talked to one of my accountability partners, and just recognized what was happening. I survived. I didn’t slip. I didn’t act out. I went down a bad path, but thankfully I realized what was happening. I get being triggered now. I am trying to make sure I know what triggers me. I have been so focused on what triggers her, I haven’t spent time making sure I knew what led me to a very unsafe place. I know what to journal more on now.
