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When a Musician Gets Sober, Can You Hear It?

Originally posted at: https://www.thefix.com/when-musician-gets-sober-can-you-hear-it

By Paul Fuhr 08/18/17

When James Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held.

Metallica frontman

When artists embrace sobriety, their music and lives are often profoundly changed.

In early sobriety, I collected vinyl records with the same empty, single-minded purpose that I used to collect drinking buddies. I’d spend an hour gathering records I hoped would impress the checkout person—not even necessarily albums I wanted. Like my barstool friends, the records were just props. I just wanted that split-second jolt of acknowledgment, a momentary rush of being appreciated. Truth be told, it’s never happened. Not once. I’ve never had a handshake, high-five or even so much as a nod from a record shop clerk. Recently in a record shop, somewhere between the “G” and “H” sections, I became overwhelmed with a sense of wonder about artists and groups that have decades-spanning careers. Unless you’re Led Zeppelin, it’s damn near impossible to have every one of your records be vital (I’m looking at you, R.E.M.’s Around the Sun)—especially if you’re struggling with as many external forces as you are internal ones.

Volumes have been written about musicians, addiction and recovery—so much so that those stories are almost as predictable and well-worn as overused hooks and choruses. What’s not clear, however, is how sobriety has impacted the music itself. When a singer-songwriter gets sober, can you hear it in between the notes? Does a group sound battered and hollowed out, but somehow better for it? Is the music jarringly different like when Natalie Merchant left 10,000 Maniacs, yet they still toured as 10,000 Maniacs? (P.S. That was insane.) Here are some artists and groups who changed their behaviors and, as a result, had the notes of their careers change on them in ways that are as fascinating as they are profound.

Trent Reznor

15 years of sobriety doesn’t simply inform the Nine Inch Nails frontman’s music now, but it’s in direct contrast to the haunted, darkly industrial mood NiN evokes. In an interview with Fast Company, Reznor revealed that “getting sober and getting my life in order has really changed my perspective on the creative process. It used to be fraught with fear.” He added that he “would try to trick myself into avoiding working, because it was the most difficult, painful self-examination imaginable. That process is no less difficult, but it’s become actually enjoyable.” I’d argue that his triptych of David Fincher soundtracks (The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Gone Girl) are as vital and alive as anything he produced with NiN, if not more so. In fact, each wordless track (composed with Atticus Ross) is textured and layered in ways that, say, Reznor’s influential The Downward Spiral doesn’t even aspire to be. No matter what, the frenetic, pulse-pounding track “In Motion” off The Social Network remains directly tied to my sobriety in that it was the first song I put on repeat after getting out of treatment. Even now, “In Motion” somehow recalls the sound of my own brain chemistry percolating and changing, bringing me to a better understanding of who I really am.

Eric Clapton

The Crossroads at Antigua founder (also the same man who spurred a rash of “Clapton is God” graffiti in the 1970s) is an unarguably different artist in sobriety than he was when he was drinking and using. I once detailed how Clapton’s alcoholic past is ruining his musical present, in that he’s suffering from peripheral neuropathy as a result of his drinking: “Clapton’s battle with substance abuse has been in the spotlight for decades. In fact, at one point, it was quite literally in the spotlight. His heroin addiction had spun so far out of control that he passed out during the 1971 Concert for Bangladesh at Madison Square Garden.” An NPR profile on the “Cocaine” singer also revealed that he was spending $16,000 per week (about $55,000 in today’s dollars) on heroin. Ever since he got sober in 1986, though, he’s been present in a way that’s almost painful. When his son Conor died tragically in 1991, Clapton didn’t retreat to the bottle—he faced the pain, full-on. In fact, hearing his beautiful “Tears in Heaven” beats those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials by a narrow margin in its ability to reduce me to tears. Sobriety has brought a clarity to his studio albums that’s impossible to ignore—especially in his most recent effort, I Still Do, which was widely praised by critics for a refined, confident sound that can only be attributed to his recovery.

Phish

The jam band’s frontman Trey Anastasio was notoriously out of his mind on drugs and alcohol for much of Phish’s early run—so much so that the group broke up in 2004. A Rolling Stone profile revealed that much of Anastasio’s rock bottom was on full display for Phish fans, too: “At the band’s 2004 farewell concert in Coventry, Vermont, Anastasio actually appeared to be nodding off onstage, but things only got worse from there.” After a few arrests, community service and treatment, Anastasio finally managed to break out of his downward spiral, releasing six studio albums, composing a Broadway musical, and reuniting with Phish. He’s also now an advocate for the National Association of Drug Court Professionals, through which he shared his story of recovery on Capitol Hill. While some critics continue to level complaints at Phish’s self-indulgent jams, there’s certainly nothing self-indulgent about Anastasio’s commitment to recovery.

Wilco

I’m not sure when Wilco transitioned from being an indie darling to a confused act that suddenly lost its way, but I’m guessing it’s when lead singer Jeff Tweedy found sobriety. Wilco once effortlessly churned out one flawless album after another (a mantle eventually stolen by Arcade Fire), but you could suddenly almost hear them laboring to put their music together with inert records like Sky Blue Sky. “There is some creativity to being an addict. It’s a hard job. It’s a lot of work for every aspect of my life. There’s still a part of me that will always be an addict and that’s part of how I am defined,” Tweedy told Vice. That said, in hindsight, it’s fascinating to watch the arc of Tweedy’s recovery play out over the course of several albums, culminating in 2015’s beautiful Star Wars. Tweedy demonstrates a daring that’s both creative and confident, thanks to knowing exactly who he is and what he’s capable of. He’s also put together a side act simply named Tweedy that’s just him and his son Spencer, which is both touching and a testament to healing.

Brian Wilson

I’d love to say Pet Sounds and the genius of The Beach Boys was embroidered into my musical DNA, but it’s not. No, the most I’d known about Brian Wilson was that he once stayed in a bed for years, growing to 300 pounds—or so the Barenaked Ladies tune goes. That genius is debatable, much like staring at the splatter-smart artwork of Jackson Pollock and wondering if the work truly is art. Looking at Wilson’s music career, he went from being a meticulous technician constantly tweaking the most minute details (hilariously sent up in the criminally underseen Walk Hard) to a moribund, overweight recluse, crippled by drug abuse and mental illness. Wilson overdosed in 1982 on cocaine, alcohol and other drugs, which resulted in him getting kicked out of the Beach Boys. And while he spent the next few years in the controversial care of Dr. Eugene Landy, Wilson recovered and released an acclaimed, self-titled solo album. He’s since released ten albums, been the recipient of numerous awards (including two Grammys), was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, reunited with the Beach Boys, and was the subject of three films—a far cry from the pained work of someone struggling with addiction who couldn’t get out of his own way.

Metallica

If you haven’t seen Some Kind of Monster, Joe Berninger’s fascinating 2004 documentary about the torturous process of creating Metallica’s St. Anger, go watch it now. I’ll wait. Done? Good, now we can talk about what it says about the impact of recovery on the creative process. Set aside the turmoil and strife and Lars’ temper-tantrums. Even ignore the group sorting out its problems on camera. Some Kind of Monster is the can’t-look-away chronicle of an uber-popular band plagued with problems—chief among them being Hetfield’s alcoholism. When Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held. “Rehab really worked for me,” Hetfield told podcaster Joe Rogan, describing how he was torn “down to bones.” And you can see that in the thrash-rocker’s face in the documentary. But there’s a big distance between the blood-and-anvil cover of Kill ‘Em All and the sight of the band members arguing over studio schedules around a conference room table. They might not be the vital band they once were, but it doesn’t diminish their endurance or resiliency. And while St. Anger might not be a great album, it (like Metallica) still exists—and that’s a minor miracle itself.

Neil Young

When Neil Young gave up drinking and drugs in 2011, he was shutting the door on 40 years of substance misuse. According to a New York Times profile, the prolific activist-rocker used to smoke “pot the way others smoke cigarettes”—a habit that, in sobriety, has challenged Young as much as it’s opened him up to new creative perspectives: “The straighter I am, the more alert I am, the less I know myself and the harder it is to recognize myself,” he said. “I need a little grounding in something and I am looking for it everywhere.” Drug addiction has coursed through Young’s life as much as its consequences have. In fact, in 1975, he released the mournful Tonight’s the Night—a pitch-black album that’s a reaction to the drug-induced deaths of his bandmate Danny Whitten and his friend/roadie Bruce Berry. It’s difficult to frame Young’s recent sobriety against a career that spans a staggering forty-plus studio albums, but perhaps the notoriously prickly site Pitchfork put it best in its review of Young’s 2016 Peace Trail: “While Young’s voice has certainly never sounded older than it does here, there’s something youthful about his energy [and] his music is guided by a restless determination to cover new ground.” For anyone in the twilight years of their career, it’s encouraging, if not electrifying, to see an artist able to change—especially if that means finally surrendering themselves.

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The Anger Iceberg

SOURCE:  Kyle Benson/Gottman Institute

Have you ever wondered why we get angry? According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, “emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.”

In his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman tells us that anger causes blood to flow to our hands, making it easier for us to strike an enemy or hold a weapon. Our heart rate speeds up and a rush of hormones – including adrenaline – create a surge of energy strong enough to take “vigorous action.” In this way, anger has been ingrained into our brain to protect us.

The purpose of anger

Think of anger like an iceberg, a large piece of ice found floating in the open ocean. Most of the iceberg is hidden below the surface of the water. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath the surface. It’s easy to see a person’s anger but can be difficult to see the underlying feelings the anger is protecting.

For example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. He didn’t like his reactions, but he felt he couldn’t help it. As he worked on mindfulness and started noticing the space between his anger and his actions, he opened up the door into a profound realization.

He didn’t really have an anger problem. Instead, he felt like his wife was placing impossible demands on him. By seeking to understand and accept his anger, rather than fix or suppress it, he began to improve his marriage by recognizing his anger as a signal that he needed to set healthy boundaries for what he would and would not do.

Dave’s story points out an important concept. As Susan David, Ph.D., author of Emotional Agility says, “Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves and can prompt insights into important life directions.” Her point is there is something more below the surface of our anger.

Anger as a protector of raw feelings

Anger is often described as a “secondary emotion” because people tend to use it to protect their own raw, vulnerable, overwhelming feelings. Underneath Dave’s anger was pure exhaustion and feeling that he wasn’t good enough for his wife. So his anger was protecting him from deeply painful shame.

Learning to recognize anger as a protector of our raw feelings can be incredibly powerful. It can lead to healing conversations that allow couples as well as children and parents to understand each other better.

Below is what we call the Anger Iceberg because it shows the “primary emotions” lurking below the surface. Sometimes it’s embarrassment, loneliness, exhaustion, or fear.

anger-iceberg-1

3 tips for listening to anger

One of the most difficult things about listening to a child or lover’s anger, especially when it’s directed at us, is that we become defensive. We want to fight back as our own anger boils to the surface. If this happens, we get in a heated verbal battle which leaves both parties feeling misunderstood and hurt. Here are three powerful tips for listening to anger.

1. Don’t take it personally

Your partner or child’s anger is usually not about you. It’s about their underlying primary feelings. To not taking this personally takes a high level of emotional intelligence.

One of the ways I do this is by becoming curious of why they’re angry. It’s much easier for me to become defensive, but I’ve found thinking, “Wow, this person is angry, why is that?” leads me on a journey to seeing the raw emotions they are protecting and actually brings us closer together.

2. Don’t EVER tell your partner to “calm down”
When I work with couples and one of the partners get angry, I have witnessed the other partner say, “Calm down” or “You’re overreacting.” This tells the recipient that their feelings don’t matter and they are not acceptable.

The goal here is not to change or fix your partner’s emotions but rather to sit on their anger iceberg with them. Communicate that you understand and accept their feelings.

When you do this well, your partner’s anger will subside and the primary emotion will rise to the surface. Not to mention they will feel heard by you, which builds trust over time.

Maybe you grew up in a family where anger wasn’t allowed, so when your partner expresses it, it feels paralyzing and you freeze. Or maybe you try to solve their anger for them because their anger scares you. Open yourself up to experience you and your partner’s full spectrum of emotions.

3. Identify the obstacle
Anger is often caused by an obstacle blocking a goal. For example, if your partner’s goal is to feel special on their birthday and their family member missing their special day makes them angry, identifying the obstacle will give you insight into why they’re angry.

The bottom line is that people feel angry for a reason. It’s your job to understand and sit with them in it. By doing so, you will not only help them to understand their anger, but you will become closer to them in the process.

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How to Avoid Codependency When You Help Someone in Need

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SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Challenge Codependency occurs when we don’t have an accurate awareness of our boundaries and behaviors, and we allow someone else’s needs to control and take over our lives.

Solution You may be inclined to jump in and “save the world.” But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

“I’ve been in an accident,” Bethany whimpered. Her voice was filled with pain-staking fear. “I’m ok, but can you come get me?”

I assumed she meant the hospital. She was sitting in jail.

My blurry, tired eyes adjusted to the harsh glow of my cell phone as I looked at the time. If I left within the next few minutes, I’d have a head start on morning rush hour.

As I pulled up outside the Metro Detention Center, I saw Bethany waiting on the sidewalk for me. She stood there looking down at the ground with a defeated look on her face, perhaps still hungover. Her arms were crossed over her torso, clinched tight around her frame.

My door locks clicked. She got in my car, never lifting her head. Her disheveled hair draped over her eyes as if to hide her embarrassment. I didn’t even make it to the first traffic light before her face fell into her hands. Bethany let out deep sobs with diaphragmatic breaths. I offered a napkin from my center console.

“I hit a pole,” she quivered. “No one else was involved, but I think I have a drinking problem, and I honestly have no idea what to do right now.”

When you watch a friend or loved one struggle with pain in their life, your first response may be to do whatever it takes to ensure they don’t have to endure any more than they have to.

Why?

Although you care for that person, what you’re witnessing is uncomfortable for you, so you may be inclined to jump in and be the hero. But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

1. Show empathy
Though I had never been in Bethany’s situation, I knew what it was like to experience sadness. I was all too familiar with hurt, and I understood what it meant to feel shame. Bethany didn’t need me to tell her what she had done wrong. She knew, and if I spent time telling her what I think she should have done, it would have closed the door to trust.

2. Set and maintain boundaries
Bethany was in need of emotional support, and the circle of people she trusted was small. She was having trouble processing her feelings and was having anxiety over the legal consequences she’d have to endure. She called frequently, all hours of the night, and while I was at work.

After a few days, I had to let her know I couldn’t always answer the phone, so I sent her a text. “Hey, Bethany. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I can’t talk at the moment but let’s set aside a time later this week, and I’d be glad to listen to you.” It may have hurt her feelings, but it saved my sanity.

3. Remember it’s not your battle to fight
Bethany had lost her car, her job and her dignity. She was facing more jail time, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to watch her struggle. Part of me wanted to help her make everything go away, but I couldn’t step in and offer to pay her attorney or her court costs.

I knew that what was happening in her life was part of her journey, and if I disrupted the course, I would be denying her the lesson she was meant to learn. If Bethany was going to change, she would have to endure the consequences of her actions.

4. Realize you can’t change someone
I helped Bethany find several local AA meetings to attend and put her in touch with an outpatient recovery program, but I couldn’t make her go. It had to be her decision. Sometimes she went; sometimes she didn’t, and I couldn’t force her into making the choice I wanted for her.

5. Your feelings matter, too
Helping someone in need can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, angry, hurt, sad or frustrated. Not only is it ok to have these feelings, but you need to be able to express them to the person you’re helping. Sometimes I had to tell Bethany, “You know, what you’re going through is really tough, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with helping you right now.”

When you feel compelled to help someone with a serious problem, whether it’s out of love or as a favor to a friend, it could breed a codependent relationship if you continuously sacrifice your needs for the benefit of someone else. There are myriad reasons why you may find yourself in such situations, but by having an awareness of your own habits and behaviors, you can avoid a potentially dysfunctional relationship.

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How People With Depression Interact With The World Differently

SOURCE:  Lindsay Holmes

The condition has a huge impact on everyday life.

Nothing about depression is easy. But the way it affects a person’s daily life is arguably the most difficult part of the disorder.

Approximately 300 million people globally are affected by depression, according to the World Health Organization. Not only does it create emotional health issues, like excessive rumination and lack of motivation, but it also causes physical health problems, like headaches and trouble eating. It can also cause fatigue, irritability and difficulty concentrating.

The reality is that these symptoms all have a significant effect on routines, from running errands to social situations to even just going to sleep. As with any medical issue, the more knowledge you’re armed with, the better. That’s why we rounded up just some of the ways depression influences a person’s day-to-day life.

Below are a few ways people with the disorder interact differently with the world compared to their peers:

People with depression often ignore routine appointments.

For most, haircuts or dermatologist visits are expected blips on the calendar. However, depression can make these events feel like monumental tasks.

A case in point is a heartbreaking account from Kate Langman, a Wisconsin-based hairstylist. Her Facebook post  went viral after she shared the story of a client with depression who came into the salon.

“She couldn’t get out of her bed for 6 months. Which meant she didn’t wash her hair or brush it,” Langman wrote.

Going to a simple, menial appointment is often one of the biggest victories.

They might snooze more than most.

Depression often leads to increased fatigue and irregular sleep patterns. This means that those living with the disorder may sleep more than usual or even experience insomnia.

This might not sound so bad in theory: Naps are awesome, right? But as writer Cory Steig put it in a Refinery29 post, napping when dealing with depression is more draining than anything:

[Y]ou know you’re probably not going to wake up refreshed and energized enough to take on the task you’re supposed to be doing instead of taking a nap.

They might leave work to-do lists unfinished.

The mental health disorder can take a toll on a person’s work performance. Symptoms like a lack of motivation or energy can prevent an individual with the condition from accomplishing tasks.

Or, the illness can keep people out of the office altogether: Employees with the condition miss approximately four workdays every three months due to its effects, according to data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Serious mental illness costs the country more than $190 billion in lost earnings every year.

People living with depression may avoid fun activities.

Depression can cause a lack of interest in thing people once found pleasurable. That could mean going to parties, participating in sports or even engaging in sex is no longer the norm.

“Depression makes your life dramatically different,” Dr. John Greden, executive director of the University of Michigan Comprehensive Depression Center, previously told HuffPost.

Depression makes them see things through a glass half empty.

The condition often makes the person living with it see everything from a pessimistic perspective.

“Depression is a negative view of self, of the world and of the future,” Greden said. “Everything is sort of being seen through dark-colored glasses … It’s pretty common, when people are depressed, for them to think that no one understands them ― and that’s a really tough place to be.”

People with depression have brains that are more prone to stress.

While some cases of depression can be acute and circumstantial (i.e. getting laid off of a job or going through a trauma), others can be more biological in nature. Research suggests depression can be influenced by environmental and genetic factors. A 2014 study even found that depression might make that person’s brain more susceptible to psychological stress.

In other words, the condition isn’t just something they “made up” or can “get over” so quickly. It’s a physiological issue that requires care.

Depression makes them want to push others away.

A common side effect of depression is changes to relationships. People living with the disorder may start to withdraw from their friends and family, and the mood symptoms may cause them to become irritable or angry.

That being said, a little encouragement can go a long way. Reader Avarie Downs, who identifies as having high-functioning depression, points out that even just an affectionate gesture can make a huge difference:

I wish he knew how overwhelming being sad during a depressive state is … sometimes it would be really nice to get a hug, instead of just the cold shoulder and being ignored because it is difficult to understand. Support is worth more than words could ever say.

Experts also recommend letting people with depression know that they’re not alone. Offering to listen to them talk about their experience or accompanying them to therapy can also help.

People with depression may need to see doctors more regularly.

Depression not only needs to be treated by a professional, but it also could put the person at a greater risk for other illnesses. So seeing doctors, between primary care physicians or mental health workers, on a more regular basis is so key when it comes to managing the condition.

“Depression is a common problem,” Ken Duckworth, medical director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, previously told HuffPost. “There shouldn’t be shame in seeking help for that. People wouldn’t feel shamed if they got help for a broken arm. Depression is much like that. It’s treatable and you should tend to it.”

Ultimately, depression ― just like any other medical illness ― alters a person’s daily existence. And the more people keep that in mind, the less stigma and more understanding there will be about what it means to live with the disorder.

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Christ In You

Paul said, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me” (Gal. 2:20). The apostle sensed within himself not just the philosophy, ideals, or influence of Christ but the person of Jesus. Christ moved in. He still does. When grace happens, Christ enters. “Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27).

For many years I missed this truth. I believed all the other prepositions: Christ for me, with me, ahead of me. And I knew I was working beside Christ, under Christ, with Christ. But I never imagined that Christ was in me.

I can’t blame my deficiency on Scripture. Paul refers to this union 216 times. John mentions it 26 times. They describe a Christ who not only woos us to himself but “ones” us to himself. “Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God” (1 John 4:15, emphasis mine).

No other religion or philosophy makes such a claim. No other movement implies the living presence of its founder in his followers. Muhammad does not indwell Muslims. Buddha does not inhabit Buddhists. Hugh Hefner does not inhabit the pleasure-seeking hedonist. Influence? Instruct? Entice? Yes. But occupy? No.

Yet Christians embrace this inscrutable promise. “The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you” (Col. 1:27 MSG). The Christian is a person in whom Christ is happening.

We are Jesus Christ’s; we belong to him. But even more, we are increasingly him. He moves in and commandeers our hands and feet, requisitions our minds and tongues. We sense his rearranging: debris into the divine, pig’s ear into silk purse. He repurposes bad decisions and squalid choices. Little by little a new image emerges. “He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son” (Rom. 8:29 MSG).

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Next Door Savior.