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Sexual Addiction and Sexual Anorexia: Two Sides of the Same Coin?

By Crystal Nesfield, Trauma Therapist, Willow House at The Meadows

While the impact of sexual addiction is becoming more widely understood, and treatment for sexual addiction more widely available, the issues associated with sexual anorexia are often overlooked.

Sexual anorexia is a compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment. This is much like a food anorexia, in which a person refuses all nourishment through food, but instead of refusing food, people with sexual anorexia refuse to fulfill their need for intimacy.  Sexual anorexia and sexual addiction could be considered to be on opposite ends of the same spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, a person is sexually binging, while on the other end, a person is sexually restricting. However, the two are actually very similar in some ways. Both conditions can lead the person to experience powerlessness over their behaviors, and consequences for their behaviors and both can impact every aspect of a person’s life. Additionally, both conditions share the tendency for the person to have obsessive thoughts about sex. A person with sexual anorexia has obsessive thinking around the avoidance of sex and intimacy. A person with a sexual addiction has obsessive thoughts around obtaining sexual gratification.

A person with sexual anorexia may experience an uncontrollable need to avoid sexual behaviors at all costs. This often leads to self-destructive patterns and negative impacts on their relationships. A person with sexual anorexia may experience depression, restlessness, irritability or anxiety when engaging in sexual contact, or when faced with the possibility of engaging in an intimate relationship. Interestingly, however, the person with sexual addiction often faces the same emotional consequences when abstaining from sexual contact. And both the person who is compulsively engaging in sexual behavior and the person who is compulsively avoiding sexual behavior may have rigid or judgmental beliefs about their sexuality that they attempt to overcome through their behaviors.

Also, both sexual anorexia and sexual addiction can have similar origins. Either condition can manifest in a person who has grown up in an environment where sex was believed to be shameful, and/or where they experienced sexual abuse or exploitation. Many types of trauma also often lead to distorted beliefs pertaining to sex. Both people with sexual addiction and people with sexual anorexia may be attempting to control unresolved trauma or uncontrolled feelings by either bingeing on sexual behaviors or depriving themselves of intimacy.

By abstaining from intimate relationships and isolating themselves, a person with sexual anorexia is attempting to protect themselves from further harm. This person may go to extreme lengths to avoid relationships. This could include self-mutilation or adjusting their appearance. A person with sexual addiction may go to extreme lengths to engage in sexual behaviors, such as exposure to disease or bodily harm.

With both sexual addiction and sexual anorexia, a person has difficulty forming healthy, intimate relationships, and both feature symptoms of a deeper issue the person may be experiencing and need to be addressed through the appropriate treatment. This may include attending a 12-step meeting focusing on compulsive sexual behaviors, such as SLAA or SAA, and working with a qualified therapist. By engaging in treatment for sexual anorexia, a person can begin to form healthy relationships and have a more fulfilling life.

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Repeated Exposure to Porn in Childhood Increases Risk of Sex Addiction

By Joe Turner

In a world which is becoming increasingly reliant on the internet, exposure to the explicit sexual content lurking in its dark corner is inevitable. The fact that we have a world of information at our fingertips is as harmful as it is useful, especially to curious youngsters who are just beginning to become aware of their sexuality.

Recent studies have found that a person’s first exposure to pornography happens at around age 11, with 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls being exposed to explicit materials before the age of 18. Studies also show that the young adult demographic regularly views pornography. Around 66 percent of young men and 18 percent of young women consume adult materials a minimum of once per week—likely more.

These statistics are strikingly different from previous years; a fact we can attribute to the modern accessibility of online pornography. No longer are adult materials only available on top shelves of grocery stores or in the back rooms of video stores; instead, they are only a few clicks away. Furthermore, it is not only the nudity associated with magazines like Playboy that is readily available online, but also depictions of explicit sexual acts.

Countless personal accounts have stated that early exposure to pornography on a brain which isn’t sexually mature can have crippling effects. Two-thirds of college students have stated that they feel that watching porn can be a healthy way of “exploring their sexuality.” But, what many don’t realize is that these can have a powerful, subconscious, neurobiological effect on their brains.

How Porn Hot-Wires the Brain

Pornography is highly addictive for a number of reasons. First, sexual arousal (from pornography or other sources) releases multiple chemicals into the brain, most notably dopamine and endorphins. These chemicals provide a sense of pleasure, craving, and a powerful emotional high on which one can become dependent. Additionally, oxytocin and vasopressin are fed to the brain; chemicals which “bind” a person’s sexual desire to the object which provided their stimulation.

This process is ideal when one engages in sexual activity with their partner. When we experience these highs as a pair then come to relate one another with the pleasurable experience over time, we begin to form a natural bond.

However, regular pornography viewing “hot-wires” this process. Instead of forming a connection to a person, the connection is formed to the act of viewing porn. Your brain recalls how and where this high was achieved, so whenever you desire sexual release, your brain itches for pornography again.

Furthermore, pornography provides an abnormal amount of dopamine to the brain; significantly more than sexual intercourse provides. When the dopamine surge subsides, the brain craves the same amount of dopamine it had taken previously to achieve the high. However, it becomes more difficult to reach the required levels without seeking out more intense pornography. This means that the viewing of “ordinary” sexual acts begins to fail to produce the same high, forcing the viewer to become involved in an endless cycle of acquiring more and more extreme pornographic material.

These skewed expectations of sexual pleasure can lead to various problems, especially at such a young age. At a time in one’s life when a person is not mentally developed enough to understand that pornography is not representative of reality, this ‘normalizes’ pornography into being the default. There are also multiple peer-related factors which lead young adults to perceive pornography as “normal.” (i.e., “everyone is doing it in pornography, therefore this must be what normal sex/relationships are like.”) It also creates an exaggerated perception of how much promiscuous sexual activity takes place in reality.

Pornography’s Impact on Young Adult Relationships

When a young adult who has been exposed to intense pornography eventually matures to the point that they want to begin dating romantically and forming romantic attachments to people, their preconceptions about what such relationships entail will likely be entirely distorted.

Pornography rarely depicts any kind of meaningful relationship as a pre-condition to sex. It reduces relationships down its primal form: sexual activity without any kind of emotional connection. This can cause:

  • The belief that sexual promiscuity is commonplace.
  • A lack of interest in remaining monogamous with one partner.
  • Sexual objectification of people or persons.
  • Increased normalization of inappropriate or dangerous sexual behaviors (and to some extent, even illegal sexual behaviors).

Studies have further shown that excessive pornography use among young adults has a direct correlation with loneliness and depression.

Over the next several years, those born around the millennium will bridge into adulthood. We are already seeing the “millennial crisis” as many young adults are ill-equipped to deal with reality due to them having unrealistic expectations of adult living; much of which has been brought on by vicariously living via social media.

This is another form of skewed perception through online sensationalism, and romantic relationships will play out very similarly. When they are unable to form a romantic attachment to someone because they are unaware of their pre-conceptions of relationships, they will revert back to pornography due to its ease of access, lack of demands, and the emotional release it provides. This then yields feelings of loneliness, as all they will have to rely on for fulfillment is visual images of a computer.

There is also a direct correlation between excessive pornography viewing and low self-esteem. When viewing pornography, the viewer will subconsciously place themselves into the ‘beta’ role, while placing the on-screen actors as the ‘alpha’. Over time, the viewer will feel conditioned to believe themselves permanently in the ‘beta’ role (Note: this is relevant to both genders).

Signs of Sex or Porn Addiction in Young Adults

Suffering from an addiction to porn or sex is not always obvious—in fact, quite the opposite. Addicts often become desensitized to their symptoms. However, there are some major indicators to be aware of.

  • Do your actions negatively affect your life in any way? (If porn usage or sex stops you from working, meeting friends, hitting deadlines, meeting appointments, losing a job, lying about your whereabouts – then it’s a cause for concern.)
  • Has watching porn ever affected a personal relationship?
  • Do you ever continue viewing porn in spite of realization of consequences?
  • Do you ever feel ashamed or guilty of looking at pornography?
  • Do you often need to increase the intensity of it in order to achieve your desired outcome?
  • Have you tried to cut down on pornography and failed to be able to do so?

These are all symptoms of an over-reliance on pornography or sex. If any of these situations resonate with you, then please address your issues accordingly.

It is important to remember that sex is a part of everyday life and is completely natural for young adults to be curious and to experiment. However, in order to develop a healthy sexuality, it is necessary for young adults to be equipped with knowledge, context, and understanding so as not to create a distorted need for sex, and an inability to create and maintain real intimacy.

Sex Addiction Treatment for Young Adult Men

Sexual behaviors can become particularly problematic for young men of the ages 18 – 25, frequently without them realizing it has occurred. Several factors come into play during this stage of life that can make identifying and treating the condition in this age group unique.

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, our expert staff is trained to help people overcome their sexual addiction and treat underlying conditions that can fuel sexual issues. Clinical evidence suggests that additional factors such as alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorders and financial disorders often accompany — and exacerbate — sexual addiction. Gentle Path at The Meadows has the expertise to address core trauma that drives the addictive disorders as well as treat patients with cross addictions. Call 866-531-8912 to find out how we can help.

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[Lost in] Translation

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/translation/

by scottwoodtherapy

In a 1970 Monty Python sketch, a book publisher has published a Hungarian-English phrase book for Hungarian tourists visiting Britain.  The publisher has intentionally mistranslated the phrases to wreak havoc.  By way of example, the Hungarian phrase for “Can you direct me to the railway station?” was translated as “Please fondle my buttocks.”  After the ensuing legal case, the public is made aware of the problem such that a man on the street would respond to “Please fondle my buttocks” with directions to the train station.

There is a parallel to this with what happens with distressed spouses.  Since I do a lot of work with sex addicts, let’s look at some examples of things partners of sex addicts say and what the translation may be.  “You didn’t do anything for me for Mother’s Day,” (when you actually tried hard to make it special) may translate into “I am still really hurting over you going outside our relationship and it is really hard for me to trust that you care about me.”  “I can’t believe anything you say,” may actually mean “Because you lied to me before, it is so frightening for me to trust you.  I don’t know what I can believe.”

Even in less distressed relationships, there can be need for translation.  In an ideal situation, partners would always be able to express needs without criticism or contempt.  Unfortunately, this does not always happen.   Sometimes, “What you said just really hurt my feelings,” comes out as “You are so inconsiderate.”

Criticism (applying negative traits and motives to your partner) and contempt (name calling, sarcasm, rolling one’s eyes) are really damaging to the relationship.  We do well to avoid these things.  Sometimes, these will happen anyway, particularly if your partner has been traumatized by something that has happened in the relationship.  Though no one should be required to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse, if your partner has been traumatized, there are times when a little grace might be in order.  What I mean by this is to respond as though your traumatized mate has expressed herself[1] in the most constructive way possible.  “You’re a liar,” (contempt) actually means “I am feeling so hurt by your lies and secrets.”  If she had said it in the most constructive way possible, the response might be something like, “I have hurt you very badly by my lies.  It makes it very hard for you to believe me now.”

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a model of social interaction that looks at participants in interactions taking the roles of Persecutor (controlling, blaming, angry), Victim (oppressed, powerless, ashamed), or Rescuer (enabler, keeps the victim dependent).  What can often happen after discovery of some betrayal of the relationship is that the former victim or rescuer becomes the persecutor and the former persecutor becomes the victim.  This is not a healthy shift.  Name calling is not okay.  Trying to control or shame your partner will never get you the peace and safety you seek.  If you find yourself moving into the persecutor role following a betrayal of trust, it makes sense why you do it, it just really isn’t healthy or helpful.

If you are the partner who betrayed the trust, here is where you can try to bring some healing.  Respond as though your partner expressed her needs in the best way possible.  After, the heat of the moment has been dissipated by empathy, there will be time to talk with your partner about not resorting to contempt.  You can make a concrete request that we not go to name calling during arguments.

A note to the betrayed partner: early in recovery, it may seem that he has no right to request civil treatment after what he did.  We do not repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17).  This is not about giving him a pass for what he did.  It is not about you foregoing your own boundaries.  It isn’t about your decision on whether to stay in the relationship.  It is about responding in healthy and constructive ways.

Having offered all of these thoughts, most couples dealing with significant betrayals of trust need professional help to effectively navigate recovery.  Injuries to your attachment can be healed, but it usually requires help.

[1] I am going to use gender specific pronouns for convenience sake.  Of course, it is not always the husband who betrays the trust nor is the wife always the one who is traumatized.

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Should A Wife Be the Addict’s Accountability Partner?

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/addicts-accountability-partner/

by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

For a relationship impacted by betrayal to heal, the partner responsible for the betrayal must engage in certain trust-building and accountability actions.

Accountability can include:

  • Sharing passwords for bank, email, and phone accounts
  • Reviewing bank, email, or phone accounts together as a couple
  • Installing a tracking app on a personal cell phone to demonstrate transparency around activities and whereabouts
  • Installing filtering or monitoring software on digital devices
  • Providing receipts for cash spent
  • Updating one’s partner occasionally throughout the day about your whereabouts
  • Taking a polygraph

For most couples, these accountability actions are not a permanent part of the relationship. But they are absolutely vital for rebuilding trust and repairing the damage done by intimate partner betrayal.

Addicts sometimes need an accountability partner. Common uses of an accountability partner include:

  • Receiving reports or alerts about an addict’s online activities from filtering or monitoring software.
  • Regular—sometimes daily—recovery check-ins with the addict.
  • Being available to “bookend” certain events/activities that may be challenging or potentially triggering to the addict. Bookending is simply checking in before and after an event/activity.

Addicts—and partners—sometimes believe that the best person to act as an accountability partner is the spouse of the addict. After all, the purpose of accountability is to be accountable to the partner.

Although each couple and each situation are unique—and each couple has the right to decide how trust will be restored—I don’t recommend that the spouse of an addict take the role of accountability partner for the following reasons:

1
Betrayal Trauma Flashbacks

When a partner reviews an addict’s browsing history or receives reports of online activities, these reports and alerts are often triggering and even traumatizing to most partners, even when the reports don’t include questionable material.

Because of the impact of past discoveries or online research by the partner related to the addiction, partners may have flashbacks, panic symptoms, or other unwanted experiences as a result of receiving accountability reports, etc.

2
Power Dynamics

Being an accountability partner places the spouse in a one-up, policing relationship to her spouse. This type of hierarchal relationship is very different than the couple engaging in what I refer to as collaborative transparency.

Collaborative transparency is a mutual process of agreement between the couple about how the addict will be forthcoming and transparent around devices, whereabouts, activities, etc. While the addict may agree to share reports or other information with the partner as an act of accountability, placing her/him in the role of monitor introduces an undesirable power dynamic that is harmful to creating future intimate connection between the couple.

(Read about the 4 steps for collaborative transparency here.)

3
Enabling

Spouses acting as accountability partners may have the unintended consequence of actually enabling the addiction. Enabling means that the partner of an addict directly or indirectly engages in behaviors for the purpose of helping an addict stay sober.

For example, some addicts ask their partner to join them on business trips for the primary purpose of helping keep him/her sober. This is enabling, as well as delusional thinking. Believing that a person can prevent another from any behavior is distorted thinking, an attempt to control, and a misunderstanding of powerlessness.

4
Building Intimacy

Because of the undesirable power dynamics involved in spouses acting as accountability partners, the practice can have a damaging and negative impact on the couples’ future attempts to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy.

Intimacy is only possible between two equals. When there are power dynamics or enabling behaviors, real intimacy can’t develop and grow.

For all these reasons, I strongly recommend that the role of accountability partner be held by a sponsor, program friend, recovery coach, mentor, or therapist.

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Mental Illness in a Genesis 3 World

Mental Illness in a Genesis 3 World

It has long bothered me that churches and/or Christians are not leading the way in addressing and helping those with obvious mental illness in the modern world.  So I want to speak about why I have this position in this blog.

To get everyone’s attention let me say this controversial thing:

  • Every human that has ever existed, with the exception of Jesus, has been or is mentally ill.

This could be quite challenging for those of us who believe we are healthy functioning adults to swallow – but it is still true.  Follow me here:

Genesis chapters 1 and 2 describe God’s creation, and God calls it very good (Gen 1:31).  And it was; it was paradise and the two humans He created were perfect and unblemished physically, psychologically and spiritually.  They had one rule to follow to keep things that way; don’t eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

We all know the story as laid out in the early part of Genesis 3; the woman was tempted and ate the fruit, followed by the man.  And the world started to fall apart.  This is one way scripture puts it:

Rom 5:12 – Sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned

Just as God predicted and warned the first couple about, they started dying.  We may all be comfortable with the knowledge that mankind spiritually died and that physical decay became the norm, but there was another major death inside humans.  This was the death of the right mind.

Just as the physical body was introduced to new things like cancer and heart disease, the soul, often called the mind in scripture, was introduced to the knowledge of good and evil.  This resulted in immediate dysfunctional thinking in the first man and woman, and this is what ought to be thought of as mental illness.  Not convinced?  What about this evidence:

To be sure we all know that Adam and Eve became mentally ill, look at what they did immediately after eating the fruit.  They tried to hide from God (impossible), they denied their wrongdoing (lying), and they didn’t take personal responsibility (blamed).  (Note here that Adam blamed God for giving him the woman who caused him to sin, in his mentally ill mind.)  Lying, blaming and thinking one can hide from God are all evidences of mental illness.  Still not convinced? What about their kids?

Right after the story of the fall we see more obvious and significant behavioral evidence of this truth in Genesis 4:

Gen 4:8 – Cain spoke to Abel his brother.  And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.

Cain, the first human ever born, committed murder – an act conceived out of his mentally ill mind.  Cain went on to demonstrate other evidences of mental illness by lying to God, and denying his culpability.

So then, mental illness has been present with us since the fall, and it is the result of sin entering the world, just as spiritual death and body decay are.  Here are some important things to state:

  • Mental illness itself is not sin or sinful. Just as our sick/ill bodies are not sinful.
  • Mental illness is present in every human. We all have it to a greater or lesser extent, just as we are physically sick to a greater or lesser level.
  • Mental illness can result in us committing sins, and can be made worse by our own sin or the sins that others commit.
  • Mental illness, just like physical illness, can be treated and sometimes healed or cured.

Mental illness may be increasing in our modern world, and we (society) are not doing a good job in dealing with it.  Here are some indications that this might be true:

  • High divorce rates; no-fault divorce.
  • Expanding drug use; both legal and illegal.
  • Explosion of porn use.
  • The growing use of violence to solve problems.
  • An increasing acceptance of lying as a means to an end.
  • Depression rates at all-time highs.
  • Blaming others for our problems.

At the beginning of this essay, I said I was bothered about the church’s handling of mental illness.  At the core of this there are some observations I’ve made:

  1. People with physical illnesses are generally treated with more compassion than those with mental illness.
  2. The families of those with physical illnesses are supported significantly better than those with troublesome mental illness.
  3. Families with significantly mentally ill members are shunned and/or avoided by church members as a general rule.
  4. Churchgoing family caregivers for significantly mentally ill people often carry a sense of personal unworthiness and shame that they attribute to how they are treated in church.
  5. Some church leaders have had to leave their jobs/ministry positions, without any form of restoration help, when their mental illness has been exposed. (Depression and/or sexual indiscretion are the two most common reasons.)

I am aware that these are generalizations; that doesn’t make them less of an indictment of the modern church.  Jesus said this:

Jn 13:34-35 – A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

He did not say this:

Love one another – except for those with obvious mental illness – just as I loved you.

God also said this, through Paul His Apostle:

Gal 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

He didn’t say this:

Bear one another’s burdens, except for those with mental illness and their families.

The world is looking at how we treat our obviously mentally ill fellow believers and their caregivers.  They see us neglecting them, ignoring them and avoiding them.  What do you think they might be saying or thinking?

Should we not proactively love mentally ill people and do what we can to help their families?  After all, aren’t we all mentally ill?

I am going to quote from a book here – Grace for the Afflicted, by Matthew Stanford a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor:

The mentally ill person needs medical treatment, psychological counseling and spiritual guidance.  That is why comfort, encouragement, and support from those in the church are so important.  Where else can they get the spiritual component so necessary in treatment?  Studies have shown that religious support offers the psychologically distressed individual resources that are unavailable through general social support.  In fact, it has been shown that religious support can play a key role in recovery from psychiatric illness.  (p233)

Dr. Stanford gets it – the church is needed, Christ is needed for obviously mentally ill people to get relief and healing from their struggles.  And we are the church!

What do you think?