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To Be a Better Leader, Learn This FBI Hostage Negotiation Tactic

Originally posted at: https://medium.com/the-mission/this-fbi-hostage-negotiation-tactic-makes-you-a-better-leader-a4afe919c18d#.h32qerqg5

by Andy Raskin

Before getting to yes, strive for “that’s it.”

As a strategic messaging and positioning consultant, I preside over lots of contentious meetings. They go with the territory: Sometimes it’s just really hard to get leaders of high-profile startups to agree on a single version of their strategic story.

About six weeks ago, I was trying to do exactly that while facilitating a meeting at a Series B startup backed by A-list investors (Andreessen Horowitz, GV and others) — and things were not going well. In particular, a salesperson named Troy (not his real name) would not buy into the strategic narrative framework that I had led his CEO and co-founders in crafting over the previous four weeks. Troy was an important member of the team, and the CEO wanted him excited about the shared strategic vision.

Just as I was losing hope of ever getting Troy on the same page as the rest of his team, the CEO stepped in and began asking Troy a series of questions. And in a shift that seemed almost magical, Troy came around. By the end of the meeting, Troy agreed to fully support the new messaging, and I could tell that he meant it.

Beyond impressed (more like in awe), I approached the CEO after the meeting.

“What did you just do?” I asked.

“It’s a tactic I read about in a book by an FBI hostage negotiator,” the CEO said.

Needless to say, I asked the CEO to send me a link to the book.

The Role of Emotional Connection in Leading People to Embrace Your Ideas

The book, I learned, was called Never Split the Difference, and had, indeed, been written by a 24-year veteran of the FBI named Chris Voss, along with a co-author named Tahl Raz. (I have no relationship with either, and no stake in sales of their book.)

From 2000 to 2007, Voss served in the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit. During the last four of those years, he was the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator, running high-profile cases in global danger zones like Iraq, the Philippines, and Colombia.

Voss’s game-changing insight was that nearly every successful hostage release happens only after the chief negotiator establishes an emotional connection with the kidnapper. In spite of that truth, the FBI’s traditional negotiations tactics—and most of the ones taught in schools (Getting to Yes, most notably)—were focused on removing emotion from the equation to reach a win-win solution through logic and reason. As Voss writes in Never Split the Difference:

I mean, have you ever tried to devise a mutually beneficial win-win solution with a guy who thinks he’s the messiah?

Thankfully, Troy, the reluctant salesperson in our meeting, didn’t possess a sense of himself that was that grandiose. But he did exhibit a certain messianic zeal (which I share) about the importance of a well-crafted strategic messaging and positioning architecture. A few days earlier, Troy had sent an email to his CEO and leadership team with the subject “Problems with New Messaging”; it contained a detailed accounting of the deficiencies he saw in the version of the story that his leadership team and I had designed.

The Tactic that Moved Us Forward: Getting to ‘That’s Right’

Noting my utter inability to bring Troy into the fold, the CEO stepped in and took charge of the meeting. He said to Troy, “I have a call scheduled with a New York Times reporter tomorrow at noon, to brief her on on our company and strategy. What should I say when she asks, ‘What do you guys do?’”

Troy wasn’t quite prepared for this question, but he did his best to describe a version of the story that he wanted to tell.

What the CEO did next was the key. He said, “Now, I’m going to summarize what you told me, and I’d like you to let me know if anything is missing or incorrect. OK?”

This was the tactic the CEO had learned from Voss. In his book, Voss calls it “Getting to ‘That’s right.’”

When Voss analyzed the transcripts of his most unlikely hostage negotiation victories, he discovered that the turning point frequently occurred right after his team took the time to listen to the captor’s argument, summarized that argument back to the captor, and then got the captor to say, “That’s right.”

Those two words, Voss asserts, may not seem like a big deal when you hear them, but they mark a crucial turning point in any negotiation. That’s because they signal that your negotiating partner feels heard and acknowledged, which opens the door to previously impossible solutions:

It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. When your adversaries say, “That’s right,” they feel they have assessed what you’ve said and pronounced it as correct of their own free will. They embrace it. … Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.

As his leadership team and I watched, the CEO summarized what Troy had said. Perhaps most importantly, he did it with total openness and lack of judgment and anger, which is impossible unless you truly make yourself open to what the other person has to say. When he finished, Troy added a few points that he felt the CEO had missed. This happened three or four times.

Finally Troy said, “Yeah, that’s right.”

How Everything Changed After Troy’s “That’s Right,” and My 3 Big Takeaways

The really interesting thing was that, when the CEO finally arrived at the version of the story on which Troy signed off, it wasn’t that different from the one the team and I had originally drafted. There was one key addition — some (very good) detail around recent global trends that made the company’s solution more timely (an element of strategic messaging that I call “Why now?”).

Everyone agreed that Troy’s addition strengthened the narrative, so we incorporated it into the final version. That became the one the CEO told to the New York Times reporter. It’s also the story that powered the company’s funding announcement, their new website, and their new sales deck. The company’s VP of Product presented the new strategic story to the entire company and received rave reviews — including one from Troy.

In the end, the project left me with three big takeaways:

#1. Leadership is a negotiation that depends on emotional connection

By starting with the team’s draft version (his adversary’s position) and asking Troy to suggest changes, I left Troy feeling unheard. It didn’t matter that we weren’t that far apart; until Troy felt understood, there would be no forward movement.

Interestingly, I had never thought of leadership as a negotiation before, but in a very real sense, it is: team members want a story they can get excited about, and the leader wants everyone’s “that’s right.”

#2. “Active listening” is the key to establishing that emotional connection (and, therefore, to leadership)

A lot of business storytelling experts talk about the importance of listening as a leadership skill. While I always assumed listening was important, I realize that, until now, I basically considered it the art of sitting there while the other person talks, not saying anything, and doing one’s best to look interested.

Voss’s technique shows that to really reap the rewards of listening, you have to not only take in what the other person says, but also prove that you’ve accurately received the message. As Voss says:

This is listening as a martial art, balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence, to gain access to the mind of another person. Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.

I now make active listening — that is, Voss’s summarizing and repeating back until you hear a “that’s right” — a core part of my business storytelling workshops for leaders, as well as a standard part of my strategic messaging and positioning facilitation.

#3. There’s still more I want to learn from Voss

I’m still wrapping my head around everything Voss has written, and I have a feeling it’s going to continue to affect my work, my approach to leadership, and my personal relationships in profound ways.

About Andy Raskin:
I help leaders craft strategic stories—for better fundraising, sales, marketing, product, and recruiting. My clients include teams backed by Andreessen Horowitz, First Round Capital, GV, and other top venture firms. I’ve also led strategic storytelling workshops for leaders at Uber, General Assembly, HourlyNerd, Neustar, and Stanford. To learn more or get in touch, visit http://andyraskin.com.

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Digital Addiction

Originally posted at: https://applyingmybeliefs.wordpress.com/2018/05/02/digital-addiction/

In my counseling work I am increasingly running into what seems to be called “Digital Addiction.”  This is defined by the American Society for Addiction Medicine (ASAM) and the American Psychiatric Association (APA) as:

A primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social, and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behavior.”

What have I seen?

These are actual examples from my work:

  • A teacher was let go from their job because they spent too much time on Facebook. They admitted to using their handheld in class, and spending in excess of one and a half hours an evening on it.  One of the presenting struggles was that they couldn’t seem to find time to grade their papers.
  • A wife recently took the kids and left her husband. He complained that she went to have a bath every night and locked herself in, and spent the whole time on her phone; he said she ignores me and our kids and we don’t have sex anymore.  He complained and condemned her and became very angry.  She disappeared with the kids in fear of what he might do.
  • A 13 year old boy swapped sexually oriented pictures with a 13 year old girl on Instagram. He was suspended (she wasn’t) and had his phone confiscated by the police.  The matter is with Child Protective Services and others, to determine if this is a child pornography issue.
  • A couple complained about their lack of intimacy, and their low quality sex life. Upon talking with them, we discovered that they go to bed early, but are on their phones checking email, texts and social media for up to an hour and a half – and wake up tired.

I have more of these, but I am sure you get the idea.

Personal Experiences

From my own personal experience I have noticed several issues:

  • My use of Facebook. I used to have the app on my phone, but I realized that I would check it every few minutes, so I took it off about two years ago.  Then they creeped me out by putting advertisements that directly connected with my preferences, likes and postings.  I now look at Facebook for maybe 5 mins a day.
  • I still check my phone frequently for text messages and emails. Partly that is because my counseling clients have permission to contact me that way.  I have 3 major email accounts, so I feel a little stuck with this.
  • I have inadvertently left my phone at home occasionally, and always turn around to get it. I feel naked without it
  • When my wife and I are having quality time – which means just hanging with each other – after a while she picks her smartphone up to check her notifications, and of course she has to “like” everything or punch in her comments. I don’t like it, but I do tolerate it.

So what is to be done?

At this point in the history of this addiction there is not enough historical data to really answer the question well.  But some of these things might happen:

  1. Government Legislation – It is likely that we will see some governments around the world try to get ahead of the Tsunami of mental illnesses that are appearing by controlling tech companies like Facebook and Google in an attempt to save their people, and their economies.
  2. User Rebellion – As we begin to see the serious damage being done to our children; parents will be taking action to stop their kids from being on their devices.
  3. Specialist Surgeons – There could be a growth in the number of surgeons that work on the so-called iNeck problems beginning to appear.
  4. Drugs – Because the addiction produces physical and psychological problems, innovative drug companies will be performing research to come up with drugs that combat the addiction. And, unfortunately, drugs that help people to stay awake/focus longer on their digital screens.

Here is an easy to read open-source (meaning no copyright issues) paper that addresses this issue and some of the fallout from it.

http://www.neuroregulation.org/article/view/18189/11842

Citation: Peper, E., & Harvey, R. (2018). Digital addiction: Increased loneliness, anxiety, and depression. NeuroRegulation, 5(1), 3–8.  http://dx.doi.org/10.15540/nr.5.1.3

For those that don’t want to read it here is the last section of the paper reproduced in its entirety; it addresses some “what to do” ideas to decrease dependence on digital devices.

Strategies to Address Digital Addiction

 From a biological perspective, health is the alternation between activity and regeneration. If you do not allow the system time to regenerate, neural degeneration may occur. Even though it is very challenging to break the addiction, it is possible.  Mobilize your health and disconnect to allow regeneration. Take charge, regain social connections, and develop proactive attention. 

  1. Recognize that you have been manipulated into addiction by the tech companies, which have covertly conditioned you to react to notifications and have created the desire to check frequently for updates. 
  1. Become proactive by limiting interruptions when you work and play. 
  • Turn off of notifications of your apps so that they do not interrupt your work.
  • Schedule time to look and respond to email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat and notify your colleagues that you will only respond to messages and information during prescheduled time periods such as 11 a.m.–12 p.m. or 3–4 p.m.
  • Schedule uninterrupted time when you are most alert. For most people this is morning time. Do your creative concentrated work first and then answer social media during times when your attention and concentration has decreased.
  • Turn off your digital devices during social events (e.g., dinner or talking to friends, coworkers, and family).
  • Make an active choice to be present with friends and family.
  • Make a game out of avoiding smartphone use. For example, when going out to dinner, have everyone place their phone in the middle of the table and make an agreement that the first person who touches their smartphone before dinner ends will pay for the entire meal.
  • Create unstructured time without stimulation to allow the opportunity for self-reflection and regeneration. As journalist Daniel A. Gross (2014) points out, “Freedom from noise and goal-directed tasks, it appears, unites the quiet without and within, allowing our conscious workspace to do its thing, to weave ourselves into the world, to discover where we fit in. That’s the power of silence.”

 There is a simple aphorism that says: “Pay attention to shift intention,” suggesting that training related to better intentional behaviors may allow breaking the cycle of smartphone addiction associated with falling into the evolutionary trap of “mindless attention.”

Here is another relevant paper from 2012:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3480687

Does the Bible address this?  Obviously not directly, but it is only a small stretch to perceive our use of digital devices as a form of worship or idolatry.  In using these devices we are basically handing over our life to whatever we look at:

  • News junkies are controlled by the news media.
  • Porn addicts are controlled by their lusts – sexual immorality.
  • Social media fanatics are controlled by others opinions.

The scriptures say this:

1 Cor 10:14 – My beloved, flee from idolatry.

When we are in our digital addiction behaviors we are most likely not paying attention to our first love – God.

Another spiritually oriented thought I have about this is this:

Gal 5:19-21 – Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,  idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

In a new and unique way social media is a new form of sorcery or witchcraft.  We are beguiled by this modern drug, and its pushers control the supply, using ever increasing appeals to our vanities to hook us.  I haven’t really developed that line of thinking yet, but I believe it is a good way of looking at what we are seeing.

Having said all this, what do you think?  Feel free to comment below.

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“Chronic early-life stress, such as childhood neglect, often results in anxiety and affective disorders and increased probability of drug and alcohol abuse in adulthood…”

Full article for purchase at: http://www.nature.com/npp/journal/v41/n9/full/npp201621a.html

“…the mesolimbic dopamine (DA) system may have an integral role in the pathophysiology associated with childhood stress. Unfortunately, while many human and animal studies have documented profound disruptions of DA signaling associated with a wide range of chronic early-life stressors…”

“The nucleus accumbens (NAc) is known to have a critical role in motivated behaviors and reward seeking via modulation of DA levels. Additionally, the NAc is implicated in the modulation of stress and anxiety like negative affective behaviors. Kappa opioid receptors (KORs) are located presynaptically on DA terminals and suppress DA release in the NAc…Previous data suggest that exposure to chronic stress, such as repeated withdrawal from chronic intermittent ethanol (CIE) exposure, leads to prolonged activation of KORs, possibly contributing to reduced DA function, which is positively correlated with negative affect.”

Early-Life Social Isolation Stress Increases Kappa Opioid Receptor Responsiveness and Downregulates the Dopamine System
Anushree N Karkhanis, et. al. – Neuropsychopharmacology (2016), 1–12

Early-Life Social Isolation Stress Increases Kappa Opioid Receptor Responsiveness and Downregulates the Dopamine System

Anushree N Karkhanis, Jamie H Rose, Jeffrey L Weiner and Sara R Jones

Chronic early-life stress increases vulnerability to alcoholism and anxiety disorders during adulthood. Similarly, rats reared in social isolation (SI) during adolescence exhibit augmented ethanol intake and anxiety-like behaviors compared with group housed (GH) rats. Prior studies suggest that disruption of dopamine (DA) signaling contributes to SI-associated behaviors, although the mechanisms underlying these alterations are not fully understood. Kappa opioid receptors (KORs) have an important role in regulating mesolimbic DA signaling, and other kinds of stressors have been shown to augment KOR function. Therefore, we tested the hypothesis that SI-induced increases in KOR function contribute to the dysregulation of NAc DA and the escalation in ethanol intake associated with SI. Our ex vivo voltammetry experiments showed that the inhibitory effects of the kappa agonist U50,488 on DA release were significantly enhanced in the NAc core and shell of SI rats. Dynorphin levels in NAc tissue were observed to be lower in SI rats. Microdialysis in freely moving rats revealed that SI was also associated with reduced baseline DA levels, and pretreatment with the KOR antagonist nor-binaltorphimine (nor-BNI) increased DA levels selectively in SI subjects. Acute ethanol elevated DA in SI and GH rats and nor-BNI pretreatment augmented this effect in SI subjects, while having no effect on ethanol-stimulated DA release in GH rats. Together, these data suggest that KORs may have increased responsiveness following SI, which could lead to hypodopaminergia and contribute to an increased drive to consume ethanol. Indeed, SI rats exhibited greater ethanol intake and preference and KOR blockade selectively attenuated ethanol intake in SI rats. Collectively, the findings that nor-BNI reversed SI-mediated hypodopaminergic state and escalated ethanol intake suggest that KOR antagonists may represent a promising therapeutic strategy for the treatment of alcohol use disorders, particularly in cases linked to chronic early-life stress.

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The God Who Stoops… And Stands

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ — ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'” (John 8:10-11 NLT)

Condemnation – the preferred commodity of Satan. He will repeat the adulterous woman scenario as often as you permit him to do so, marching you through the city streets and dragging your name through the mud. He pushes you into the center of the crowd and megaphones your sin:

This person was caught in the act of immorality … stupidity … dishonesty … irresponsibility.

But he will not have the last word. Jesus has acted on your behalf.

He stooped. Low enough to sleep in a manger, work in a carpentry shop, sleep in a fishing boat. Low enough to rub shoulders with crooks and lepers. Low enough to be spat upon, slapped, nailed, and speared. Low. Low enough to be buried.

And then he stood. Up from the slab of death. Upright in Joseph’s tomb and right in Satan’s face. Tall. High. He stood up for the woman and silenced her accusers, and he does the same for you.

He “is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us” (Rom. 8:34 MSG). Let this sink in for a moment. In the presence of God, in defiance of Satan, Jesus Christ rises to your defense. He takes on the role of a priest. “Since we have a great priest over God’s house, let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience” (Heb. 10:21–22 NCV).

A clean conscience. A clean record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just for our past mistakes but also for our future ones.

“Since he will live forever, he will always be there to remind God that he has paid for [our] sins with his blood” (Heb. 7:25 TLB). Christ offers unending intercession on your behalf.

Jesus trumps the devil’s guilt with words of GRACE.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Second Chances.

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Is My Spouse Really Narcissistic? How People Are Commonly Overpathologized

Originally posted at: https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2016/07/18/how-spouses-are-commonly-overpathologized/

“How much do you know about Narcissism?” asked yet another female client, on the same day that a male client asked, “How much do you know about Borderline Personality Disorder?” It seems like therapists I supervise or I am asked a version of these questions at least weekly.  I can confidently state that I likely know more about both of them than most of my clients do.  I believe that these labels are used prematurely and inaccurately in short, because they simplify complex problems for people who are desperately trying to make sense out of the seemingly nonsensical.  Here are some reasons why they are incorrectly overused:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDD) are labels that describe sets of behaviors and internal states identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).  This is a tome published by the American Psychiatric Association for the purpose of categorizing and typifying groups of mental health disorders in order to conceptualize diagnoses and treatment options for various clinical presentations.  The book is the best we have for making sense out of mental health disorders.  As a collaborative clinician for the most recent issuance (5th edition), I have respect for the amount of study and diligence that goes into refining the descriptors as an attempt at treatment accuracy.  The problem is that the taxonomy is clumsy, largely subjective, politically influenced, and always controversial among mental health and medical professionals.

For example, one of the identifying specifiers for NPD is “Requires excessive admiration,” (p. 669).  What?  Who decides how much is “excessive?”  Another feature is, “Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes,” (p. 670).  Do you see the problem?  What exactly is “arrogant or haughty?”  What is the context for such behavior?  Many of the remaining identifiers are equally ambiguous.  The lack of precision throughout the DSM is an enormous problem because it is so subjective and can vary tremendously from clinician to clinician.

Let’s look at BPD.  The first listed criterion is, “Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment,” (p. 663).  So, what, exactly, is “Frantic?”  Does that mean if a spouse is threatening to divorce and walks out the door, the panicky reaction of a partner is “BPD?”  The 7th identifier is “chronic feelings of emptiness.”  Huh?  How empty?  Does “emptiness” mean the same thing to different people?  How about “Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger?”  I have seen plenty of that in partners who experienced betrayal, or a number of other emotionally-laden events.  This does not mean the individual has BPD.

Hopefully, most clinicians are very careful in using these labels.  Unfortunately, I see way too many who are not.  Many clinicians use the labels as a way to dismiss clients when they are overwhelmed with the behaviors, particularly in couple cases where the emotion is notoriously high, and the dynamics exceed the therapist’s competence and skill level.  Personality disorders are by nature considered durable and nearly unchangeable.  If a client has a legitimate personality disorder, in a sense, the clinician can just write off the case as untreatable.  Many do.  To be honest, sometimes I think it’s laziness at best and negligence at worst.  This is a particularly egregious practice when a therapist has diagnosed a spouse based on the report of their client, without ever actually meeting that individual (and yes, this happens, not infrequently).  I’m not a DSM expert, but as a licensed clinician with DSM training, I believe the actual prevalence of these cases in a population is far lower than they are diagnosed by mental health professionals, at least informally, behind closed doors.

Among the client population, the overpathologizing might be more pervasive.  Currently, the ability to easily research anything on the internet has provided fertile ground for spouses to gain just enough information to be dangerous.  Most of us are guided by confirmatory bias, meaning that we have a tendency to give more credence to information that supports what we already believe.  If I think I’m married to a narcissist (or an autistic or a bipolar individual or…) then I will find all kinds of information supporting my viewpoint.  Ditto for borderlines.  Then, if I read that it is not very treatable, I might prematurely give up on the relationship.

Much of the highly emotional behavior observed in panicky, anxious pursuing partners (often wives who get labeled “Borderline”), is exacerbated by, if not a direct result of, the withdrawing or stonewalling behavior by spouses who are flooded.  Likewise, the withdrawing husband who numbs himself because he doesn’t ever feel like he can calm down his wife’s emotions, may appear incapable of empathizing (Aha!  Narcissism!), when the apparent lack of empathy is really a conditioned response generated from years of feeling helpless to impact a partner’s emotional reactions.  The pattern becomes cyclical, more pronounced, and anticipatory until partners can and do appear to be Narcisstic and Borderline.  In short, protective behaviors of stonewalling and withdrawal that make sense in an intense situation are incorrectly labeled, and desperate, clingy, panicky emotional behaviors that come as a result of not knowing what else to do to save a relationship are prematurely pathologized.  Various trauma responses based on previous client history can also be prematurely lumped into a personality disorder.

I have no illusions about my self-indulgent blog post changing anything in general.  That would require a readership larger than three people.  However, I want to be on record somewhere articulating and highlighting this problem because it is endemic with therapists who don’t place behavior in a highly emotional couple context, and it is a problem with spouses who are desperately trying to make sense out of painful marriages they feel powerless to change.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have seen clients who I believe meet criteria for both of these disorders.  However, far more often, I see people who are very reactive to each other after years of feeling rejected, and their behaviors look like some of the personality disorder specifiers.  In other words, I see more instances which are treatable than those which aren’t.  If you think your spouse has a personality disorder, you could be right, but it is more likely that you are incorrectly labeling contextual, reactive behavior.  Be very careful in your unofficial diagnosis.

Now it’s time to return to my real life of being mom to 7 children, or, as I like to call it, my “Acute Stress Disorder,” or my “Circadian Rhythm Sleep-Wake Disorder,” for which the recognized treatment is “birth control.”  Oops….too late!  Happy diagnosing!

Reference: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (2013), American Psychiatric Association: Arlington, Virginia.