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Former Porn Star J**** S*****s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry.  At the suggestion from sex addiction recovery experts, I have removed the name (both real and actress) of the female mentioned in this post as to not trigger recovering sex addicts into “searching” for “more information” about her which could lead to them sexually acting out with pornography.

Former Porn Star J**** S******s’ Story
by S****** L*****| Sat, 12/31/2011 – 4:38pm

Former porn star M**** aka J**** S****** shares her powerful story how she escaped porn. She also speaks candidly about the illegal drugs, STDs and horrific work conditions in porn. M**** was active in the porn industry from 2005-2010.

My young life was chaotic. I had an alcoholic mother and no father around. I was sexually abused for the first time at 4 years old. It continued until I was nine when the man that had been abusing me finally moved away.

At 11 years old I got myself up and got a ride to church every Sunday, I even went through classes and got baptized!

Unfortunately I strayed from the church and lost my virginity at 12 to my first boyfriend who was 3 years older than me. I soon became pregnant and had my first abortion. It was heartbreaking and I feel guilty to this day for it.

My teen years weren’t much better. I was a good student but rarely went to school I moved out for the first time at 15 with my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me. Then moved back home until my mom decided she was moving to Reno to be with family and she didn’t want to bring me with her!

I continued to move from guy to guy to try and find love and to feel complete when God was waiting for me all along, I just didn’t realize it yet.

At 17 I was hard into cocaine, and meth. I planned on either stripping or doing porn. To me it made sense. I hated myself so much and felt like such a reject that I really didn’t care what the consequences of my actions were. I woke up every day wanting to die.

So I found an ad in one of the local papers to be in a porn movie and I went and did it. I felt dirty, totally hollow, like my soul had just been sucked out of me, but I had so many people telling me how pretty I was and that I would make it big if I moved down to California, they even set me up with an agent! I finally felt like I was someone, like I was valuable even if I had to do something that made me feel so empty and sad (which I had been doing most of my life anyway).

I did around 60 films in the time I was in porn and managed to get herpes and had gonorrhea or chlamydia countless times. My agent that was so close to me and I truly felt like we were friends kicked me out of the agency house when I found out I had herpes.

I did gonzo porn to start out and it was the most degrading, embarrassing, horrible thing ever! I had to shoot an interactive DVD which takes hours and hours of shooting time with a 104 degree fever! I was crying and wanted to leave but my agent wouldn’t let me he said he couldn’t let me flake on it.

I also did a scene where I was put with male talentthat was on my no list. I wanted to please them so I did it. He put his foot on my head and stepped on it [triggering language removed]. I freaked out and started balling; they stopped filming and sent me home with reduced pay since they got some shot but not the whole scene.

People in the business are so fake. Like a certain man (I won’t mention his name but I really want to keep other women away from him) signed a contract to build a website for me and I would see a certain amount of the profit. I have not gotten a cent from him to this day.

So I was homeless living in a shoot house with a few porn stars, for a little bit until I found yet another man to move in with. One of the people I lived with is dead according to S******’s dead porn star list.

I just want young girls to know it’s not a glamorous life. its gross, dirty, everyone has diseases and do not care who they give them to, agents will screw you over, friends will turn their backs on you, it’s all about the money no one cares if you are hurt, a complete junkie, anorexic, on the verge of suicide, or highly depressed, as long as you can still make them money, but the second you get herpes or hurt its like they never knew you in the first place.

And don’t forget the DVDs will stay out there for years after you quit. There will be stuff on the internet, people will know who you are when you start a normal job and they will judge you on it.

God saved me in a miraculous way. It happened one night when I was up at my apartment in Oregon (I lived in the agency house for 2-3 weeks and took a week off and flew back to Oregon every month).

My best friend and partner in crime at the time were trying to get our hands on some cocaine. We were bored and wanted to party. We kept calling and texting everyone we knew. No one had any.

Then finally after hours of trying to get some a friend called me and said he had some. While he was talking to me we had already gotten in the car and were speeding to his house which was about 45 minutes away from where we were at.

So we got there and went up to the door, he let us in. There were a few other people there I didn’t know. He informed us that he in fact did not have the eight ball he had promised, but he had mesculine instead. At this point in my life (I was 19) I had never tried hallucinogens knowingly (I had gotten laced weed a couple times). I was pissed and I let him know it, but he said he would give us a discount on the mesculine and it was really fun.

My friend and I were both finding to numb ourselves so we decided to do it. He took out a couple cookies and took out a dropper of liquid he gave my friend (who weighed much more than I) two drops, she ate it. Then he did 6 drops on mine and I was fine with that I figured I had such a tolerance for other drugs this would be just the same.

We drove back home, neither of us felt anything. I called him up and bitched him out; he swore we would feel something soon. Well my friend got bored and said she wanted to go out so she started getting ready. If I didn’t have drugs in my system I would go nowhere I was kind of like a hermit when I wasn’t high.

Then all of the sudden the blinds to my patio started to move, and I thought oh no it’s starting… My friend left with her boyfriend. I was stuck on the couch watching the blinds. Then a few minutes after she left my fingers started to go numb, then my hands, then my arms… before I knew it I was scrambling trying to make a phone call to someone who could help me.

I thought I was finally going to get my wish, I thought I was going to die. I soon realized I didn’t want to die, I wanted to live and the only way to do that was to call someone for help. I was too afraid to call 911. I called my boyfriend. He got mad that I had taken mesculine and hung up, and then I called my god mother who lived close by. She came and got me I guess (I don’t remember anything after the phone call to her).

She took me to her house and laid me on the couch. She said I was pretty much unresponsive, the only way she knew I wasn’t dead was the fact I was still breathing and I could squeeze her hand after she squeezed mine.

What was going on in my head during this time was wonderful and horrible at the same time.

I heard this voice that I learn in my hallucinogen induced coma to be God. God was asking me simple questions like when was the last time I ate? My answer: Days, I finally realized I was starving.

God asked when the last time I slept was? My answer: days. I realized I was exhausted. God gave me a seat to sit down.

Then the demons came. God told me to keep looking at him and ignore them. I kept my eyes glued to the shining light that surrounded the most beautiful loving eyes.

When I looked in them I felt the most love I have ever felt, I felt totally submerged in love and happiness, but I couldn’t help but to feel and see the most horrid looking monsters I had ever seen ripping my flesh and scratching my limbs out of the corner of my eyes, along with the most horrible noises I have ever heard in my life! I tried my hardest to keep focused on God and ignore these demons that were tearing me apart.

God gave me rules to live by. He told me I had to eat; I could no longer starve myself. God told me to quit drugs. And he let me know all the music I listened to and people I idolized was all fake. I didn’t need to try and live the life that I saw on TV. I needed to be who He intended me to be.

God let me know he wanted me to go to school, and he wanted me to write. There are certain things in my hallucination he told me that I was told never to repeat, but they were wise words of wisdom.

Then God said he had to let me go and I couldn’t come with him yet. I felt the most sadness I have ever felt, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how I have been clinically depressed for most of my life! I said okay and I felt myself being sucked down, it was almost like falling.

I woke up. I was in my Godmothers bed, my body was sore and my ears were hurting and ringing from all the terrible noises I had been subjected to. Everything around me looked so dull and colorless, nothing looked like it used to. I thought the world had ended, and in a way my old world had ended at this point.

My god mother took me back to my apartment. My friend was there with her boyfriend. They asked me where I had been. I told them I was at my godmothers casually, afraid to tell them about this scary yet incredible hallucination I had just endured.

Silly me I took off back to California. I figured what I had seen was nothing, although the thought of God telling me my purpose and telling me what I was doing was wrong stuck with me.

Soon after going back I found out I had herpes and got thrown out of my agencies house like trash. They even stole my clothes, and bedroom set. Anything I didn’t take with me that day in my friend’s car was not there when I returned.

I felt like God was trying to show me this wasn’t the way, but I still ignored him. I moved into a shoot house with a few people. Well we didn’t really move in we just stayed there without real permission from the two men that rented it, but they were nice enough to let us stay as long as we acted as extras and “acted” in movies for them.

There were drugs everywhere in this house, actually one of the guys that rented the house died of an overdose (God bless his soul.) I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol daily. I didn’t leave the house. I just stayed there and got sloshed, I was totally ignoring that voice that told me what I was doing was wrong.

Until one night a man stopped by and for some reason when we were alone and hanging out I told him about what happened to me and that God had told me what I was doing was wrong and I was tired and wanted out.

The next day I moved to Hollywood with him. It was nice. His apartment was quiet. I knew I could get off drugs living with him, seeing as how he didn’t drink or do drugs and worked out every day.

When I got my strength back I started working out with him every day, and I would go to the pool on the roof, tan and read the bible.

Psalms 1:1-3 became my favorite scripture to read.

1. Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the wicked, Nor standeth in the way of sinners, Nor sitteth in the seat of scoffers: 2. But his delight is in the law of Jehovah; And on his law doth he meditate day and night. 3. And he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, That bringeth forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also doth not wither; And whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. 

I began to pray and read scripture all of the time. The man I was living with did help me sober up but he wanted me to continue to shoot porn movies (He was a camera guy for a producer who is now dead as well, God bless his soul).

I left him and moved in with a barista from Starbucks. He was renting a room and I had my whole life (or what was left of it that the agency girls didn’t steal) in my car. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I started going to church every Sunday and I would cry through every sermon. I felt I had betrayed God and there’s no way he could ever forgive me, but soon I realized he had I just needed to forgive myself.

I moved back to Oregon as soon as I could and started my recovery. It was very difficult with no money and a messed up head from years of using cocaine and meth, but I managed to do it. I started to see a counselor, I continued to read scripture and pray.
The last few years have been focused on my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical recovery. I still am damaged and traumatized from what I put myself through and others put me through in the Adult Industry.

I now have a fiancé, a wonderful little boy, I have graduated school to become an esthetician, and I am still praying and reading scripture. Recently I have not been attending church.

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia recently and it has hindered my life quite a bit, but I am thankful to God for giving me a doctor who knew enough about my condition to diagnose me and refer me to the Frida center which is a whole practice just focused on fibromyalgia! I pray they can help me with my condition so I can be up and moving and not in so much pain. I ask others to please pray for help with my condition. Prayer is very powerful and I believe it will aid in getting control over my illness.

M**** writes to S******:

I found your site awhile ago and just reading your story and others storys really helped me to stay strong. Thank you for helping me to get my story out there just as God willed me to do!
Thank you,
M****

S******: Please pray for Megan to be completely healed from fibromyalgia and that the LORD would bless her marriage and family and open doors for her to use her writing gift to bless millions. If you would like to send a message to M****, please email it to info@thepinkcross.org and we will forward it for you.

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What’s Wrong With Anthony Weiner?

New allegations have emerged the New York City mayoral hopeful may have once again exchanged sexually graphic texts and photos. Does he have a sex addiction?
 By Jessica Firger, Everyday Health Staff Writer
whats-wrong-with-anthony-weiner-RM-articleTUESDAY, July 23, 2013 — New York City mayoral candidate and disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner is once again in the spotlight for an online sex scandal. In a press conference today, Weiner admitted he’d exchanged text messages and photos of a sexual nature with a woman last year. Weiner allegedly involved himself in these exchanges just months after he was forced to resign from Congress in 2011 after naked photos of him were leaked from women he’d contacted through Twitter’s private messaging system.The Dirty, a gossip website, reported today that Weiner had struck up a relationship with a 22-year-old woman through Facebook, and under a pseudonym, exchanged emails, explicit photos, and had phone sex for at least six months. In one exchange with the woman, Weiner asks her which of his photos or television appearances she liked best. The woman replies, “Specifically, your health care rants were a huge turn on.”

After the first sex scandal, Weiner retreated from public life, purportedly to do a little soul-searching and repair his marriage with Huma Abedin, an aide to former secretary of state Hilary Clinton. Some critics now wonder if Weiner may have spent too much time on Sunday crossword puzzles and not enough working through what some contend may be a serious sex addiction.

But Rory Reid, PhD, assistant professor and research psychologist in the UCLA department of psychology, and an expert on sex addiction, isn’t convinced the reports of Internet sexual exchanges indicates that Weiner necessarily has a problem. Today, a study released by UCLA reported that self-proclaimed sex addicts may simply have a higher sex drive.

“Anthony Weiner’s behavior is not uncommon among Americans,” said Dr. Reid. “Speculation about whether he has a ‘sexual addiction’ cannot be determined given what we know from his public comments and other information in the media. There are many people who engage in online sexual behavior with people outside their monogamous committed relationships,  and this alone, is insufficient to warrant labels such as ‘sex addiction’ or concluding Mr. Weiner has a ‘hypersexual disorder.’”
In fact, many experts don’t believe sex addiction — also known as hypersexuality — is a legitimate psychiatric condition, and the diagnosis is controversial. Last year, the American Psychiatric Association reported they were assessing the criteria for hypersexuality for possible inclusion in the fifth revised and updated edition of the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the guide used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide to diagnose patients. But when final revisions were announced, hypersexuality hadn’t made the list.
George Collins, a former sex addict who founded Compulsion Solutions to help sex addicts, has a different opinion than Reid.
“A problem of this magnitude, where you’re showing your own penis on the Internet, isn’t going away on it’s own,” said Collins, who is the author of Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Addiction, and Shame. Collins speculates Weiner was not sufficiently treated for his sexual issues, or did not seek the right type of therapy to address deep-seated problems.

“It’s a coping mechanism,” Collins believes. “He’s an exhibitionist, he needs to be seen. Something happened in his young life where he was undervalued.”

The compulsive desire to view pornography, seek out strangers to have sex with, or engage in frequent exchanges of a sexual nature with strangers must be properly addressed by mental health professionals, according to Collins. In his practice, he uses cognitive behavioral therapy and psychosynthesis, also known as dialogue therapy, which helps clients develop coping skills to use when they find themselves close to trouble.

“Anthony is the best therapist he could find,” said Collins. “He just has to harness the ability to do his own therapy. He would have to write these silly stupid dialogues to his penis, and ask ‘Why is it that you would need to be showing yourself to a woman on the Internet?’ People live and die with this stuff.”

Photo Credit: Kathy Willen/AP Photo

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I Cannot Live Without Her

I Cannot Live Without Her
November 4, 2012
Originally posted by a partner of a sex addict

When I first met her, it was love at first sight.  She was perfect. She is perfect. She has beautiful green eyes,  smooth skin as silky as sateen, her body is as natural as the sun. Sometimes, she awakes me with sexy red hair, slightly covering her breasts.  She always wears a smile, her eyes looking directly at mine, teasing me, kneeling on her knees, holding another man’s genitals, whispering that she would do the same – to me. I dream of her, my eyes closed, my hands on myself, the earth moves rhythmically  like a wave until it shakes. It feels good. Very good.

I cannot live without her.

I find myself thinking of her every moment of forever, and I cannot have enough of her. Her presence hypnotizes me at the office. I imagine her coming in for an interview. A white button down with only a slight trace of a nude bra. A black pencil skirt leaving the rest to imagination. A pair of blue eyes with straight black hair as fair as a mane. “Sir,” she said, “I need this job and I am willing to do anything for it” – with a playful display of seduction and a juxtaposition tone of innocence. “Tell me about yourself,” I asked, slowly unbuttoning her shirt while showing her power over me by pressing my hips against hers.

I cannot live without her.

In the evening, she makes me wild. Willing to please and open-minded, she allows me to experiment with anything I could possibly imagine, and it is this sense of freedom without any judgment that I adore.  Sometimes, she shows up at my home fully clothed, throwing pieces of her clothing on the floor like a carefree boy, tearing me apart as if I were her worst enemy. Then, we have sex, like a machine. Sometimes, she shows up at the hotel in only a robe, showers with soapy foam like the movies, thirsts for me as if I were the sweetest in the world – even if she is tied up in ropes like an injured worm.

I cannot live without her.

She is my best friend, my comforter, my everything.  She is always there, whether I am single or in a relationship, whether I am happy or in pain, whether I have a webcam or not. She always looks at me with those eyes, those kind, accepting eyes from where I find respect, adoration and love, those tender yet powerful eyes that take me to a place of warmth, where all pain goes away, where nothing matters – except she and I and happily ever after.

I cannot live without her.

Soon, nothing else matters, all I want is her.  She is everything I have ever wanted.  I don’t understand why others can’t see things my way.  She is perfect in every way, she satisfies all of my needs, yet my friends, my family don’t understand, they detach from me causing me great pain and feelings of abandonment.  But she is there, she will not abandon me, will she?

I cannot live without her.

In time, other than her, I am alone.  I don’t have time for work, I don’t have time for family, I don’t have time for friends.  All I have time for is her inside the vacuum we have created.  Her beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes mesmerize me, I cannot look away, she is everything to me.  Nobody understands, if they did, they would not have distanced themselves from me.

I cannot live without her.

I have lost my job, my income, my family, my friends, but I haven’t lost her.  She is still with me, she loves me, she wants me, she needs me.  I lust after her more and more.  I see less and less of her, but I can always close my eyes and imagine the dark black hair, soft brown eyes, and soft white skin.  She looks at me and I melt.  I must see her, I have to see her, and I will see her.  Maybe I can see her at someone else’s place?  Maybe I can sneak in, just to meet her.  Maybe I can just break into that house, she is there, waiting.  After all, our love is worth the crime is it not?  Our love is worth even murdering those that stand in our way!

I cannot live without her.

And now I sit alone, in this cell, like an animal.  It was an accident, I didn’t mean to kill the owner of the house, I only wanted to see my love.  What happened to me?  What happened to her?  She is gone, I cannot not find her, it has been years since I saw her.  I am so alone, I feel like dying.  The promises she spoke to me were all empty, they meant nothing.  I gave up everything for her, my wife, my children, my friends, my job, my health, my sanity and there is nothing left of me than an empty shell.  She is not there like she promised she would be, she is not taking the pain away any longer.

God, I need help….

I read this post (later modified by me) originally posted by a former partner of a sex addict who was consumed with pornography and sexually acting out that he destroyed the relationship; she finally left him.  This is an example of the denial that all sex addicts experience in their addiction and how they see pornography or pornstars, even at a subconscious level.  To them, pornography is a great fantasy to where they can escape – the actress, their wife, girlfriend, partner who falsely promises to satisfy all of their needs and protect them from the pain and hurts of life.  An “security blanket” which is wrapped around their necks, slowly strangling them until they die.

The next few posts on Castimonia will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry. 

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Video: 10 Seconds – A Story About the Demand of Human Trafficking

Gilbert Horn is a successful business and family man with a deep dark secret. His obsession leads him to lie to those around him, betray his wife and enslave innocent girls. As he struggles with temptation, he is desperate for intervention to save him from self-destructing. 10 Seconds is a story of a sex addict and a sex slave.

10 Second Movie

ABOUT THE FILM

Bella Veritas Productions is proud to present 10 Seconds, a short independent film that draws attention to the demand for human trafficking and how sex addiction adds fuel to a growing fire.  Producers Elena Dering and David Perry began working to raise awareness about Human Trafficking in Nashville, TN in 2005. As their cultural conscience was awakened, they realized how few stories and films there were from the standpoint of the consumer. Later, Dering and Perry joined forces with Matthew Rampulla and Aaron Horn, who were also very passionate about the issue of human trafficking—10 Seconds is a product of this collaboration.

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God Has a Plan For Me!

My oldest daughter drew this portrait (of my wife) last year.  Even though it is a horrible depection of my beautiful wife, it is so precious to me and a reminder that God has a plan for me – a life full of recovery from sexual addiction.

My life in the addiction and my recovery may seem “ugly” to outsiders, but to me, it is such a precious gift, one that I don’t ever want to let go or throw away.  God has given me the vision to turn the ugliness of my addiction into the beauty of recovery.  One of the beauties is the relationship I now have with God.  In my addiction, I was completely lost, but now I am found.  It wasn’t pretty, but God cleaned me up pretty well.  Another one of these beauties is my relationship with my wife and daugthers.  Before entering recovery, I had very little to do with my wife and child (one at the time).  Now, they are so important to me, I don’t ever want to spend another day in the addiction and away from them.   Finally, one other beautiful thing is the Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery group God started through me in 2010.  It is amazing to see how such much hope and recovery could come from so much addiction and ugliness.  Especially in the early days, I just had to keep reminding myself that no matter how ugly things got in that first year of recovery, that God has a plan for me.