CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Lingering and Waiting

For those men who have been sexually abused as a child, I encourage you to attend our Barrayo meeting on Tuesday nights in Sugar Land.  Please contact Barrayo@merimnao.org for more details.

cut-the-stringsThe more you face the truth, the angrier you will probably become. You have a right to be angry about being sexually abused. You have a right to be angry with the perpetrator, regardless of who it was, how long ago the sexual abuse occurred, or how much he/she has changed. From “The Right to Innocence” By Beverly Engel

“I’ve tried to cut it out, to starve it out, to purge myself of this inherent evil he rubbed off on me. I’ve tried it all; pills and booze, food and lack of food, bruises, cuts and burns. My mind’s shut down, refusing to remember. My emotions have gone on leave, and despite all this, I can still feel the darkness inside me, lingering and waiting to engulf me again.” – From “Power” A poem by Caiti Le

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Adult Victims of Child Sexual Abuse

For those men who have been sexually abused as a child, I encourage you to attend our Barrayo meeting on Tuesday nights in Sugar Land.  Please contact Barrayo@merimnao.org for more details.

gty_boy_rear_view_jt_111120_wgThe sexual abuse of children spans all races, ages, ethnic groups and economic backgrounds. Sexual abuse means any kind of unwanted or inappropriate sexual behavior with a child, whether or not there is actual physical contact. Tragically, this kind of abuse is not rare; studies estimate that one in four girls and one in seven boys are sexually abused as children. Abusers can be family members, friends of the family, authority figures or strangers. It is impossible to tell if someone is an abuser by simply looking – they may be someone who is highly respected in society and who has a good reputation. Most child victims knew and trusted the people who abused them. Children are absolutely dependent on adults for their physical and emotional survival, and abusers have many ways of wielding this power over children. Abusers may use threats to coerce children, such as the threat of harm to them or their loved ones and withholding of love and affection. They may tell a child that he or she is special, that the abuse is a way to show love for the child, or that the child is responsible for the abuse. If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is important to remember that no matter what you may have been told, the abuse was not your fault and you are not alone.

http://www.miamidade.gov/police/victim-adult-victims.asp

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Marital Fidelity in a MySpace (Facebook) World

Today, couples face old temptations coming repackaged with a new, technological twist. Bob Waliszewski explores how married couples should preserve fidelity in the face of computers, anonymity and MySpace (Facebook).

by Bob Waliszewski

From the first relationship in the Garden itself, it’s clear spouses don’t always have their partner’s best interest in mind.

You know the story – the serpent tempted Eve who in turn coaxed Adam who was with her to bite into the forbidden fruit. Adam, of course, was Eve’s husband, her helpmate, her friend, her confidant. And yet, there’s nothing in the Genesis account that would indicate Eve struggled with her decision to involve Adam. Did she not care about him? Did she not love him? Certainly, but isn’t it interesting that “love” just wasn’t enough of a protection in this particular situation?

In a nutshell, Eve bit hook, line and sinker when the devil convinced her that the real reason God didn’t want her to eat the fruit was because he was trying to withhold from them something exceedingly good. In essence, the serpent was calling God a liar. All of a sudden Eve went from someone completely vested in her husband to one who contributed to his downfall (which is not to say Adam didn’t have the responsibility for his own actions).

It doesn’t take a degree in Marriage and Family to realize that husbands and wives have for thousands of years been making similarly selfish decisions, many with lifelong negative consequences. One thing that is different, however, is that in today’s world, couples face technologically-driven temptations along this line as well. Old enticements often come repackaged with a new twist using today’s computers and the anonymity that comes within cyberworld.

A MySpace (Facebook) World

Obviously, the Internet has introduced pornography into many, many homes. Although a huge problem, I want to focus on less obvious temptations affecting some marriages. For instance, the other day while doing research about social networking sites, I stumbled upon a MySpace profile that I’m sure represents untold thousands. Here was a man who described himself as married with several children. But he had built his entire online profile describing himself as some type of, well, I’ll use the term “sex-god.” He had posted photos of women in various sensual poses, often with very little clothing. In an online poll he had pasted into his site, he had asked sexually-oriented questions in inappropriate fashion.

I couldn’t help but wonder why a married man would do such a thing? Nor could I help but wonder what his wife or children would think if they discovered his secret online “life.” (Perhaps his wife does know, which presents a whole other set of problems). Because the Internet world is considered a private domain where the user can be anonymous, this man apparently felt safe to try and make himself out to be some sort of Casanova.

Whatever the reason, he’s certainly not alone. Just ask Sue Hoogestraat. According to an article in The Wall Street Journal, she was understandably upset when she discovered her husband had a virtual marriage in Second Life, a fictional cyberworld where online visitors participate in commerce, sex and relationships, and build their own imaginary world. Although Ric Hoogestraat had never met, or even spoken with, Janet Speilman, the woman who controlled her online character, the two constantly spent time “together” in cyberspace – eventually “marrying.” “It’s really devastating,” expressed Sue. “You talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they’ll be having sex with a cartoon.” Ric can’t understand why his wife would have a problem with his online escapades. In his mind, it’s all a big game. But is it?

The Dangers of Anonymity

Brad Paisley’s hit country single, “Online,” humorously describes a pudgy loner who boasts of chatting with several women online (or at least he thinks they’re women). As he chats, he claims to be taller and thinner than he actually is. Although the song intentionally pokes fun at how people can and do represent themselves via the anonymity of the Internet, it’s no laughing matter when a married person goes online intentionally looking for someone to fill a need that only his or her spouse should satisfy.

Some may argue that having an edgy social networking profile, carrying on online relationships and chatting within cyberspace is relatively innocent stuff because there’s no intention of really getting involved physically. I’d argue to the contrary. It’s not just getting involved physically that crosses the line, it’s the very desire to play around online in an area involving a certain amount of intimacy.

For some married individuals who feel under-appreciated and under-respected, the anonymity of the Web allows for a chance to flirt and pretend. What could be wrong with that? Dr. David Jeremiah, commenting about a list of “hedges” that individuals need to put up to guard their marriages, had this to say about flirting: “Never flirt, even in jest. Never flirt with someone other than your [spouse].” Of course, flirting used to be something that primarily occurred face-to-face. Not any more. Flirting can now take place through chat, text message, IM, online gaming and profiles. Still, Dr. Jeremiah’s advice is valid.

The Gift of Intimacy

The author of Proverbs offers incredible advice along these lines when he says: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. …May you rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always. …Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” (Proverbs 5:15-20, NIV) Clearly, the writer is not referring to actual water but to the intimacy that occurs in marriage. Furthermore, this water is more than just the sexual aspect. It includes the closeness, the oneness and the entire sense of unity that a husband and wife can and do experience when they do things God’s way.

One of the greatest gifts the Lord ever gave us was the gift of intimacy. As described in the Bible, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5, NIV). Jesus added, “So they are no longer two, but one” (Matthew 19:6, NIV). It’s that oneness, that intimacy, that water that married individuals are called upon by marriage’s Creator to guard closely, pray about regularly and fight for diligently.

Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

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Traveling Toward Marital Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them.

by Paul Coughlin

Accountability to another person about your visual and emotional infidelity can be helpful—but not as helpful as we like to believe. After a while, one husband told me, “It’s pretty easy to lie to the person who is questioning you. It’s so autonomous–how are they really going to know?”

Putting computers out in the open is helpful as well in order to break the power of autonomy. But what happens when no one is around to see you on that website or watching that soap opera? There is a more lasting approach: Addressing the reasons why a husband or wife would turn to someone other than their spouse when desiring sexual and emotional intimacy, then creating a realistic level of intimacy within your existing marriage.

As mentioned previously, virtual infidelity increases when we are lonely, in duress, angry or spurned. These are threshold experiences, portals toward infidelity but also intimacy since conflict can sometimes be intimacy in disguise.

Two Paths Toward Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them in order to create a stronger and co-mingled path toward intimacy.

Generally speaking, women prefer talking and thinking together as men prefer touching and other forms of physical togetherness. I was unaware of these distinctions for the first 15 years of my marriage and this ignorance lead to unnecessary heartache. When my wife would desire to sit down and talk and think with me about everyday matters, I did not understand just how important these activities were to her. I treated them like items on a To Do List—check them off and be done with them. I did not understand that like foreplay, she enjoyed talking and thinking together with leisure and creativity. I have since learned to force myself to slow down and to be a better listener, knowing that she finds pleasure in these experiences and her pleasure is important to me. Now I find pleasure in these activities as well, but they still are not my primary paths toward intimacy. I’m still, after all, a guy.

Likewise, some wives may at first have to force themselves to move in the direction of their husband’s path toward intimacy. This is not to say that wives do not enjoy touching and other forms of physical togetherness. It’s just that for some it isn’t their primary form of expression. So for some wives, this could mean going on more walks together or taking up an activity that requires touching, like dancing. It may mean making sex more creative and frequent than before.

Christians More Passive

No discussion about the intersection between sexual and emotional fidelity and contemporary Christianity is complete without addressing pervasive passivity. Studies show that people who attend church have a more passive personality than the population in general (one study has the discrepancy at 60% to 85%). Passivity is sometimes a manifestation of cowardice, which is a sin (Revelation 21:8).

Passive people are more prone toward addiction. And this is particularly damaging when it comes to virtual infidelity, an ideal hiding place for the passive personality. Here passive people have their needs placated but never truly met; sexual arousal and emotional titillation, but never tenderness, adoration, and a soulful repose. Here the passive do not have to undergo the challenging duty of standing their ground and stating plainly what they desire as normal human beings. Passive personalities prefer that their spouse guess as to what they really want, which is unfair, confusing and fertile soil for inevitable resentment. And most passive spouses behave this way because they are fearful. There is a great acronym for fear that is helpful when understanding this side of virtual infidelity: False Evidence Appearing Real. Many times, though we might feel very uncomfortable at first, the fact remains that many of our fears are unfounded. Many spouses are willing to at least try to help the person they love to have their needs met in their marriage.

Honest, Frank Explanations

So for some husbands, an honest and frank explanation of just how important sexual intercourse is to them is in order. Wives are not born with this knowledge and our culture rarely reveals it, so they need husbands to tell them how difficult it is for them to keep their thought-life pure without their wives’ help. Likewise for wives, an honest and frank explanation of emotional connection may be in order, and probably has been for a while. Both genders need help understanding each other’s inner regions, which are both similar and unique, and they need to express these truths without anger, sarcasm or contempt (eye-rolling is the most common expression of contempt). During such times, putting your thoughts on paper beforehand helps to keep them straight in our minds. It is the foolish spouse who does not heed and honor such a tender and powerful revelation of the soul.

Being sexual and emotional are normal, healthy and right in marriage. There is no good reason to apologize for either desire since both come from the good hand of God. Having both needs met in a realistic fashion is among the main reasons we marry in the first place. These facts help to give us the courage we need to talk about them without whimpering or yelling.

And finally, a word of warning for all of us who live in our hyper-sexualized age: Erotic and highly emotional experiences are not meant to be consumed with great regularity. Like all things deep and sacred, they are not designed to be on tap 24/7. They are powerful, too powerful it seems, for the human soul to regularly absorb, very much like radiation, which also possessed a mysterious capacity to heal and curse. These facts help to put our good desires in perspective during our age of virtual infidelity.

Copyright © 2009, Paul Coughlin. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands

It’s when work life and family life are at their peak—and at times at each other’s throats. Many men turn to porn during these exhaustive years as an illicit pick-me-up.

by Paul Coughlin

For the surprising number of husbands who think that pornography use is “no big deal,” consider this from those who work at ground-zero of divorce. During a recent meeting of divorce attorneys, two thirds of the 350 attorneys said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. Pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just 10 or so years ago.

The majority of male porn consumers are between the ages of 35-49. I highlight this fact because it provides both context and hope for the many men I talk with across the country. Just as there is fun in sin for a season, there is also a temptation toward particular sins for a season as well. For some men, this is a battle that may never have a complete resolution, but a welcomed truce.

Illicit Pick-Me-Up

It is no coincidence that these years are consistently among the most difficult for men. It’s when work life and family life are at their peak—and at times at each other’s throats. Many men turn to porn during these exhaustive years as an illicit pick-me-up. And surprising to many women, they aren’t so much lusting after that one woman on the monitor; she’s merely a conduit to feeling pleasure again. In many ways, the woman on the monitor who promises so much pleasure and admiration could be any attractive woman. It’s what she provides, not who she is, that matters.

It’s here where biology is especially unkind to husbands. As the more visually inclined gender, these images have the unique capacity to both hyper-sensitize and de-sensitize us, making them especially hazardous to male souls, much like addictive drugs. They also carry with them the deceptive capacity to make the viewer believe that the object can be possessed, seducing the viewer even further into delusion.

One of the most ironic examples of how far this visual-based delusion can go is in the life of the grandfather of porn, Hugh Hefner. Sandy Bentley, a Playboy cover girl and former Hefner girlfriend, observed how Hefner “has trouble finding satisfaction through intercourse; instead, he likes the girls to pleasure each other while he masturbated and watched gay porn.”

Unfair Trial

Image-based virtual infidelity, so enhanced by silicon and deceptive camera angles, creates unfair comparisons to real wives who are not sexually aroused at a moment’s notice. Real wives are picked apart and found wanting, tried in the one-way court of our minds with slim chance for a fair trial. Here wives are quietly deemed undesirable and boring when compared to the artificially slim, breast implanted, and those so eager to please, contort and perform—at least when the cameras are rolling.

Nate Larkin is an author, speaker, and founder of Samson Society, a national fellowship of Christian men who are serious “but not grave” about authenticity, community, humility and recovery. He’s also a former pastor who at one time regularly viewed pornography and who now ministers to men, especially pastors. He says that it’s the perceived anonymity of the Internet that gives pastors the courage to experiment with pornography.

Why pastors look at porn, he says, is multifaceted. “First, because he’s male, and sexual curiosity is hard-wired into the male human body. Second, because he lives in a fallen world, one in which his natural sexual instincts have been warped and titillated. Third, because he works under incredible stress, his performance critiqued on a weekly basis by an unrealistic audience who insists on treating him as an asexual being or as the sole inhabitant of a higher moral plane.”

Like all men, every pastor experiences moments of despair, anger or loneliness. “At such a moment, pornography can appear to be a safe alternative to adultery. To the man who is feeling insecure but doesn’t want to cheat on his wife, a few fleeting seconds with an imaginary lover can prove irresistible.”

Yet Larkin says that for a pastor to admit such a mistake, however, is fatal, forcing his sin and the reasons for it even further underground where redemption is impossible. “If anyone discovers what he’s done, he’ll be tarred and feathered and carried out of town on a rail. So what does he do? He takes his guilt to God privately and makes a private promise never to make that mistake again. And maybe he won’t. But speaking for myself, that’s how I became a porn addict.”

Copyright © 2009, Paul Coughlin. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.