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Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Goes to TEDMED

Source: Stephanie Neal

Last year culminated in a once in a lifetime opportunity—the chance to give a TEDMED talk to a curated, attentive and influential audience about child sexual abuse prevention. TEDMED is the independently owned and operated health and medicine edition of the world-famous TED conference. This annual event is dedicated to “ideas worth spreading.”

The theme for 2016 was “What if…?” and speakers were asked to imagine new possibilities for advancement in medicine, public health and biomedical sciences.

I asked the question: what if we stopped treating child sexual abuse as solely a criminal justice problem and instead treated it as the preventable public health problem that it is?

In my talk, I told the story of the fateful day I met with the journalist who would break the story about non-offending pedophiles and my research in finding a public health approach to ending child sexual abuse. Luke Malone brought the idea of child sexual abuse prevention into the living rooms of millions of Americans who listened to his story on This American Life.

I also discussed some important statistics that everyone should know. The peak age for engaging a prepubescent child in harmful or illegal sexual behavior is 14, and about half of all sexual offences against prepubescent children are committed by other children.

Another important statistic is that nearly 98 percent of children convicted of a sexual offense are never reconvicted of a new sexual offence. This shows that adolescent sexual offending is short-lived and it strongly suggests that we can prevent the first offence.

And yet, instead of focusing on prevention, we put most of our efforts on punishment.

Children who are caught engaging in harmful sexual acts might receive treatment instead of prosecution, which acknowledges that children, even those who make serious mistakes, have the potential to be rehabilitated.

For the children who get caught, prosecuted and convicted of sex crimes, they are often treated like adults. They can face incarceration and sex offender registration and public notification, sometimes for life. Registered children can be prohibited from living near schools, parks and playgrounds—the very places where our children thrive.

And what do we make of the people who discover in adolescence that they have an unwanted attraction to prepubescent children? Our interviews with 30 young adults living with an unwanted attraction to children revealed just how hard it is to find help and cope with their attractions. Many reported that they felt isolated, depressed and even contemplated suicide. Many said that what they truly needed (and could not find) was help in dealing with the shame and stigma that can accompany these attractions.

As part of the TEDMED talk, I presented quotes from these interviews to provide the audience with a better understanding of non-offending pedophiles. (Luke Malone also moderated a panel discussion on non-offending pedophiles that was held in 2015). For children dealing with an unwanted attraction to prepubescent children, acting out might not be the only issue. Some will need our help to resist acting on strong urges some of the time.

So what needs to happen now?

We must start thinking about child sexual abuse as a preventable public health problem. This includes providing all children access to effective prevention programs that focus both on avoiding harm and on attaining health and happiness.

Good programs will teach children how to behave responsibly around younger children; they will encourage children to disclose attractions to others when it is safe to do so and they will inspire all of us to respond to those disclosures with understanding and compassion.

I’ve had positive feedback about the talk so far. A reporter from the Huffington Post called it “one of the boldest” TEDMED talks for that year.

I anticipate that TEDMED will release a publicly accessible link to my talk (and others). But for now, I’ll continue to look for opportunities to bring the idea of child sexual abuse prevention to as many diverse audiences as possible.

psychologytoday.com · by Elizabeth Letourneau, Ph D.

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Why Friending Your Ex on Facebook May be More Hazardous to Your Marriage Than You Think

Originally posted at: https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/03/01/why-friending-your-ex-on-facebook-may-be-more-hazardous-to-your-marriage-than-you-think/

*While this article is focused on Facebook use, because it’s such a popular medium for online connection, this really applies to any connection, technology-assisted or otherwise.

About a decade ago, when Facebook was still new and Apple was just rolling out its first iPhone, I was among the group of people who thought it was fun to be able to reconnect with old friends.  I saw no harm in reaching out online to catch up with people I had not seen in a few decades, including a few I had dated.  I viewed it as a high school reunion of sorts, and we have high school reunions all the time, right?  I was in a happy marriage and had no intentions of crossing any boundaries.  I was excited about sharing Christmas cards with my high school and college friends over the internet.  To be honest, it was fun…

…and then I started practicing marriage therapy again after a hiatus of several years.  I had a front row seat to the utter destruction these types of connections have had and are having on marriages and families.  Now, research statistics corroborate that social media use can have a negative impact on marital happiness and stability.   I don’t think any voice of warning is too strong in this instance, and people seem oblivious to the potential corrosive influence of online connections.  Reconnecting in any way with a former love interest is risky, especially if that individual is considered a “first love,” which I will explain later.

I don’t want to seem all cray cray, and I do think some people can manage Facebook relationships with former flings—my husband has a few in his friends list right now.  Lest any of those people happen to be reading this and think I’m calling them out, I don’t find that threatening in my case.  He has little interest in Facebook, but a great deal of interest in his family.  My son’s recent verbal observation was, “Mom, you have to admit you got so lucky with dad because you have him totally whipped,” and while I don’t know about the “whipped,” part, because he’s not necessarily a pushover, he is very loyal.  However, spouses need to understand the general risk these contacts impose, because too many people are surprised when they are entangled in an emotional mess.

It’s not uncommon for people who have ended up in affairs with Facebook friends to ask, “How did this happen?  I had no idea I would feel these strong emotions.  It doesn’t make sense.”  I’ll explain why it does make sense.  Most people are ignorant to how quickly dormant emotions can be awakened.

The Unique Risk of First Love 

As mentioned, connecting with a “first love,” is by far the riskiest move, and most people don’t realize the intensity of emotions that can arise from these circumstances. The relationships are sticky.  While people sometimes minimize “adolescent love,” or even “young adult love,” the truth is that these are very impassioned experiences for people and are imprinted in memory.  Nancy Kalish, a qualitative researcher of rekindled love relationships who headed up a study with 2000 participants, explained that men and women told her that their first loves became “the standard for all the rest,” and they don’t forget.

Here is a list of reasons why these relationships can make sparks:

  1. It is familiar. There is shared history and experiences. Bottom line:  It feels comfortable instantly.  Kalish put it this way, “The emotionally loaded memories of attachment were still there, but the person was not.  When they reunited, the sight, smell, touch, and sound of the long-lost love activated these stored emotional memories.  Like the key to a lock, the first love matched the memories, and everything felt right.”  She added that early relationships can be only a few months long and still have the same explosive effect.  This is important because people often assume that because they have had a longer-term relationship with someone else, they can’t be easily influenced by a comparatively short-term connection.
  1. It is formative. Love relationships in one’s late teens or early 20’s are associated with high levels of bonding hormones and sexual fervor, “forged in the fire of the teenage brain,” in Kalish’s words.  This unique attachment pairing sets the stage for a lifetime association.
  1. Our brains are excellent at recalling memories with sensory triggers. My son recently has taken an interest in the song, “I Melt with You,” by Modern English.  Every time he plays that song, I’m immediately transported to a scene in my high school boyfriend’s Porsche when he was teaching me to drive a stick shift, and I was laughing hysterically at what a disaster I was at first.  I can hear him saying, “I can’t wait to play you this new song I found that made me think of you.”  I don’t even remember him with fondness.  Our relationship was burned to a crisp after the 5 year period of on-again, off-again drama.  Regardless of the fact that my memories of him are emotionally neutral, my brain recalls that scene every single time I hear it. Contact with a former love will elicit sensory triggers.  Online conversation patterns with an ex can create sensory recall, and you can and will be transported in time.
  1. We usually remember positive emotional experiences with first loves more than negative experiences. Contrast that with a spouse who may have annoyed you five minutes ago.  First loves are associated with the nostalgia for better days—with emotional higher hopes and more energy.
  1. People don’t usually alter requirements in a partner, so if they were appealing once, they will be appealing again.  Romantic love researcher Helen Fisher explained that our partner preferences don’t really change all that much.  She said, “Romantic love is like a sleeping cat and can be awakened at any minute.  If it can be awakened once, it can probably be awakened a second time.”
  1. Love relationships in one’s late teens/early adulthood are often ended with ambiguity and If you started a relationship that was never fully realized, it’s easy to pick up right where you left off.  I had never heard this articulated until I read Kalish’s book.  Kalish pointed out that the “lost love,” relationships with the most intensity occurred after an ambiguous break-up, e.g. the couple’s relationship dissipated because of distance, interfering parents, or other circumstances unrelated to the couple’s formally ending it.  It’s common for people to think if they contact a previous love interest they will get closure for this ambiguity.  That logically seems to make sense, and yet it doesn’t work.  Kalish said, “closure is a myth (because) the old feelings come back.”  Most people are unaware of this and don’t expect it.
  1. The years of separation can make the heart grow fonder.  Helen Fisher used the term, “frustration attraction,” to explain that barriers to a relationship can increase yearning and feelings of ardor. She explained that passionate love stimulates dopamine-producing neurons which make people want to seek out that person.  She posited that our brain cells prolong their activities if the lover associated with those chemicals is unavailable, increasing potency of the fond feelings.

But What if My Facebook Friend and I Only Went on a Few Dates?  We Weren’t Even Romantically Involved.

It’s probably easy to see why an intense early love relationship could be quickly reignited, but many individuals are surprised at the affairs that develop from “someone I just dated a few times,” or “someone I thought was cute but never went out with—we were just friends.”  There are several reasons why it’s still easy to become romantically attached to an old friend.

  1. Most affairs start with a platonic relationship.  People think if they aren’t already romantically involved, it’s safe.  There is a natural progression from initial familiarity to deeper emotional sharing to bonding, which people underestimate as fertile ground for affairs.
  1. Our brains respond to novelty, and it’s a new rediscovery.  Whether the person is a former love interest or not, it’s new, which begs attention.
  1. We disclose emotions more quickly and deeply online than in person.  That emotional sharing is a bonding experience.
  1. If you start hiding your communication from your spouse, the hiding alone fuels feel-good hormones.  For example, adrenaline.
  1. Connecting with anyone from the past reminds us of when we were young and had more energy and our whole lives ahead of us. That individual becomes associated with those emotions—there is a cohort effect.
  1. Carrying on an online relationship is fragmented and lacks the mundane aspects of daily life. Getting immediate responses from a partner far away while your spouse may be ignoring you may beget an illusion that the online partner is more responsive.
  1. Communicating online with anyone in a private conversation provides a natural close, shared intimate experience. It may be more surprising when affairs DON’T develop from these relationships than when they do.
  1. Fantasy.  It’s amazing how many of these relationships are experienced in the minds of the individuals instead of in actual physical contact.  That can generate persistent emotions.

The Dark Side

According to Kalish, people rekindle first romances all the time, and if they are both unmarried, they often create stable relationships.  However, she warned that many people she interviewed were in happy marriages and were shocked when they felt feelings for former lovers.  In some instances, they destroyed their marriages and hurt their spouses and children.  In other cases, some reported an increase in unhappiness and emotional pain and yearning for their past partners.   Individuals often tell me that they are having more dreams about the lost love, which creates guilt.

Energy that is going into the online relationship is energy being sucked out of the marital relationship. Sharing that’s happening online is sharing that’s not happening with a spouse. Sometimes, the spouse becomes the enemy, preventing the extramarital connection.

There is no Time Limit

Some people think, “That was decades ago when I was a teenager…I’m a completely different person now and too old to have an affair.”  I was surprised at how many couples in Kalish’s study had not seen each other in more than 50 years and still reported the same chemistry that they experienced in their late teens.  In one case, a couple who were both in their 90’s and hadn’t seen each other in over 70 years rekindled a former romance.  This is important to know because sometimes people think they are old enough that they won’t have extreme emotions.  False.

I am certain that there are tens of thousands if not millions of people engaging in clandestine Facebook affairs with old lovers and friends as I type.  I’m not saying that you can’t ever friend an ex on Facebook, but it’s a good idea to be aware of the potential dangers before you do….along with shared passwords with your spouse.

Here are some references and further reading:

Why We Love:  The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher.  2005, Holt Paperbacks.

The Lost Love Chronicles: Reunions & Memories of First Love by Nancy Kalish.  2013, Dr. Nancy Kalish published.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200607/lost-love-guess-whos-back

https://qz.com/578395/the-psychology-of-why-rekindled-romances-are-so-intense/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201310/10-points-about-lost-loves-might-surprise-you

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563214001563

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The Purpose of Confronting Controllers

Mark 8:31-33 – “Jesus then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

One of the most important benefits of having boundaries is that we have the ability to stand up to others when they try to control our lives. Peter wanted to impose his own design for

Jesus’ life onto Jesus, but Jesus had good boundaries; he stood up to Peter and rebuked him.

Jesus showed that he was in control of himself and would not be defined and controlled by Peter, no matter how good Peter’s intentions might have been. The truth is that Peter was thinking, not of God’s purposes, but of his own agenda. Peter was trying to rescue Jesus instead of turning the situation over to God.

We must be on guard against anyone or anything that might take control of us. Self-control is the fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). When we have self-control, we maintain the ability to stand up to aggressive controllers who try to tell us who we should be and what we should do. Although we are wise to listen to others and be open to their feedback, we should never allow someone to be in control of us and define who we are. Setting appropriate boundaries helps us to retain that kind of freedom and self-control.

This devotional is drawn from The NIV Life Journey Bible, which features notes based on the precepts developed by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Should a Pastor be Fired if He’s Viewing Porn? | Covenant Eyes

Ask adult Christians what should be done if their pastor is using pornography, and 41% say “He/she should be fired or asked to resign.”* Another 29% say the pastor should take a leave of absence until he/she stops using porn. Those over 50 years of age were more adamant about that—47% of age 51-69 and 57% of age 70+ were ready to can the pastor. But only 35% of age 25-30 and 27% of age 31-50 felt that way.

Wow! If that were the case, a lot of pastors would be out of a job! More than half (57%) of pastors say they are either currently struggling (14%) or have struggled in the past (43%) with pornography, and 33% of the ones currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

Among youth pastors, the numbers are higher: 64% say they are struggling (21%) or have struggled in the past (43%). A whopping 56% of those currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

It is not surprising that pastors think a little differently than the 41% of lay people who say pastors should be fired. Only 8% of pastors think that a pastor “should be fired or asked to resign” if found using porn.

And it is even less surprising to find out that 55% of those using porn “live in constant fear of being discovered.” No kidding! I know of many pastors who, upon being discovered, lose their careers, their families, their homes, their friends, everything. Some have even ended their own lives as a result of being discovered.

What solutions do pastors suggest?

  • 82% said they should find a professional counselor.
  • 59% said they should find “a group of mature Christians who can hold him accountable.”
  • Only 1% of the pastors said that the congregation should be told.

But congregations are unaware of the scope of the problem. Awareness precedes understanding, and understanding precedes action. Once the people understand how addictive porn is and recognize that pastors are as prone to the sin as anyone else, they can take action.

If there is no problem among your pastors, that’s great! But as the pastors themselves say, accountability is the best preventive medicine. How devastating it would be to coast along, thinking there will be no problem, only to find out you need to rehabilitate or replace a key staff person. How disrupting to the ministry, how costly for the counseling, how humiliating for the staff—all of which could be headed off by installing Covenant Eyes on all of the staff computers to maintain accountability and have open and transparent conversations.

It would be like the Black Plague on the church if all of the struggling pastors had to resign. I believe they need help, not banishment. I also believe we need to educate the church that porn is a pervasive problem, and pastors are human, too. If we force pastors to live in constant fear, we force them to NOT seek help, the very help they know is needed.

The majority of those who struggle know what must be done–they need professional counseling along with accountability partners. But they aren’t going to seek that help if they can’t admit they struggle, and they can’t admit they struggle if they know they’re out the door the next minute. We need to meet them at the foot of the cross, where Christ took on the burden of our sins, as well as those of our pastors.

*All data in this article are from The Porn Phenomenon, a 2016 study by the Barna Group.

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Partners, Addicts & Empathy

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/partners-addicts-empathy/

I heard a beautiful story the other day that reminded me of the power of empathy in relationships impacted by sex addiction.

An addict with several years of sobriety—in recovery for more than 10 years—came home from his weekly meeting with his sponsor. He’s been working through the 12 steps again, and was finishing his work on Step 9—Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

His sponsor told him that sometimes we hurt people but we have no idea because the person we hurt doesn’t tell us. The addict thought about it and asked his partner this question:

Is there anything I’ve done in the past that caused harm to you that I might not be aware of?

As you might imagine, this became one of those deeply healing moments between a sex addict and his partner when she knows that his recovery is real. She knows because he is accountable, vulnerable, and empathic.

One of the most consistent complaints I hear from partners of sex addicts is that the sex addict in their life lacks empathy.

Empathy is defined as:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”

There are several reasons addicts—especially those who are newly sober or in the first year of recovery—struggle with empathy.

An addict’s capacity for feeling and emotion is typically blunted or inaccessible. Addictive behaviors temporarily help addicts manage their emotions, numb out, or protect them from pain, fear, and shame.

In early recovery, addicts wage a fierce internal battle to stop a behavior or substance they’ve used for years—perhaps decades. Because much of their energy is being channeled toward recovery work, there is little additional energy or internal space for addicts to take in the feelings or reality of other people—even those closest to them. It doesn’t mean addicts don’t love their partners. It just means that addiction is powerful and consuming.

Another reason addicts struggle with empathy is that addiction is a one-person system. The hallmarks of addiction are secrecy, isolation, preoccupation, and unmanageability. Whether it’s food, sex, gambling, or a substance—the addictive substance or behavior is an addict’s Higher Power and his God.

Lastly, addicts lack access to their own empathy because they’re protecting themselves from their own shame. In other words, if they allow themselves to think about and reflect on the pain they’ve caused their partner (or others), they fear they will be overwhelmed and debilitated by their shame.

5 ways addicts can improve their capacity for empathy:

1

Shame is one of the biggest barriers to empathy. Feeling shame and remorse about your past behavior is healthy, but the kind of shame that tells you you’re worth-less or defective is toxic shame. And this is the shame you need to release.

Find ways to release and reduce shame. One of the most powerful ways to reduce shame is to disclose to safe people what you feel shame about. Often, just the simple act of telling another person the truth about yourself and what you’ve done can be liberating and empowering.

2

Participation in communities of support like 12-step meetings helps addicts increase their capacity for empathy. The emotional stakes are low—and the nervous system is calmer—when listening to people with whom you’re not in a long-term committed relationship. It is often much easier for addicts to listen to and empathize with other addicts, or the other addict’s partner, as they listen to their experiences and challenges.

3

Couples recovery or therapy groups are also highly effective in increasing empathy because the addict has an opportunity to hear directly from other partners who’ve had experiences similar to—or even identical with—his partner. Again, because there is no emotional investment or concern over losing his relationship, addicts are better able to take in the reality of the other partner.

In fact, partners of sex addicts have the same experience when participating in “S” couples recovery or therapy groups—meaning they’re able to understand the addict’s recovery in a new way, or even empathize with his struggles through hearing the stories of other addicts in the room.

While it may be frustrating for partners that the addict is more receptive to what another partner said rather than to what she said, it is very common for people in general to have less difficulty taking in challenging or even painful information from someone they’re not emotionally attached to.

4

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine how they might feel. Make a practice of asking yourself how you would feel if you were having the same experience as another person or if you were in their situation. Consider how it might feel to be a member of a different ethnic group, gender, religion, race, or skin color than you. When doing an exercise like this, it’s easier to start with someone you know casually but have little, or no, tension or conflict with—then build your way up to people you are closer to.

5

Nonverbal cues or body language are often a more accurate and revealing picture of what’s happening with another person than the words spoken.

A person’s body language says a lot about their internal state. When people feel shame they often lower their head or cover their face. When sad, they may appear hunched over or closed off.  When someone feels confident they’re usually sitting or standing more upright and have an alert, positive expression on their face. Begin noticing people’s body language as a way of understanding their internal emotional state.

Want to learn more about empathy and take a quiz to see how empathic you are? Read Roman Krznaric’s article, Six Habits of Highly Empathic People, here. Mr. Krznaric is is a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London and an empathy advisor to organizations including Oxfam and the United Nations.