CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

anonymous sex partners

By

I Lied to My Wife, Now What?

I Lied to My Wife, Now What?
by Jeff Fisher on October 21, 2012
http://porntopurity.com/blog/2012/10/21/i-lied-to-my-wife-now-what/

So what are you going to do now?

What do you think you ought to do?  Do you feel bad about it?  Are you trying to avoid the thought about it and put it in the past?

Maybe you think, “I’ll feel bad about it today, but I’m going to do some good things for my wife and make up for it.  Then I won’t feel so bad.”

Or you think if you push it away you’ll feel less guilty about it tomorrow.  Has that been your strategy?

Maybe you don’t think it really matters.  It’s not that big of a deal.  She probably lied about things too.  I’ve done a lot worse things in the past.

Or the most popular thought:  “I know if I tell the truth it’s going to make things worse.  It’s better to lie and not tell her.”

These are all rationalizations.

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT LYING ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT Your beliefs about lying and experiences are not nearly as important as what God’s Word says.

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Proverbs 12:22 The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Psalm 51:6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Can you see the simplicity of these?  Telling the truth is even the goal of one of the 10 Commandments:

Exodus 20:16 You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

Eliminate the question of “Does God think it’s OK?”  The answer:  no.

God wants you to be truthful.  He is Truth.  Any lie or cover-up is an affront to God’s standards, as well as your covenant with your wife.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I can’t tell you exactly how you need to confess to your wife, but here are some good principles:

  1. Have THAT conversation with your spouse – Confess.  Be truthful.  It sucks, it’s hard, but it’s necessary for intimacy, closeness, connection and knowing each other.  Stop rationalizing.  Man up and own it!
  2. Or have THAT conversation with a counselor first – If there are patterns of lying, deep sexual sin, or adultery involved you probably need to talk to a counselor first.  They’re wise and have tools to help you.
  3. Work toward full disclosure – You might think it’s easier to share a part, let your wife recover, then share more.  Not wise!  A friend of mine calls this “Death by 1000 Needles”.  It’s better to have one big disclosure than 60 mini disclosures.  Your wife will wonder, “What else is he not telling me about?” so it’s best to get it all out. (The leaders of Castimonia recommend a full disclosure through a 3-day intensive program. – See links to the left for two programs approved by the leaders of Castimonia.)
  4. Don’t be defensive – Don’t rationalize your lies or push the blame on your wife.  Take responsibility and own it.
  5. Answer your wife’s questions – It’s her turn to understand and make sense out of this.  She needs to know how much you were involved in (breath) and how deeply were you involved in your sins (depth). It’s not usually necessary or productive to share the “nitty gritty details”, but let a counselor help with this.
  6. Give her space to be angry – To most wives, the deception and the hiding are worse than the actions themselves.  Give her room and time to process her feelings.
  7. Don’t school your wife on how she needs to react and feel – You’re best bet is to shut up, listen and pray.  Any feelings that come out now are good.  If they don’t come out, they will be bottled up and explode later in your relationship.
  8. Work on your part – You can control your actions and your reactions.  Stick to these.  It’s one way you can show love to your wife.
  9. Follow-up – Be a man and lead the way in rebuilding trust and building your relationship.  She may have other feelings to get out.  You and she may need to see the counselor together.  There is always follow up to a confession.

–

Jeff Fisher is a blogger and podcaster living in Raleigh, North Carolina.  He and his wife run www.porntopurity.com.  Jeff’s podcast Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast (I-Tunes) is one of the more popular podcasts on sexual addiction recovery.

You can reach Jeff at jeff@porntopurity.com

By

Porn Is Killing Sex

Porn Is Killing Sex
Originally posted to:
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2012/10/26/porn-is-killing-sex/

Marc Barnes, a blogger i just stumbled across, wrote a fantastic piece about what he calls “sustainable sex.”

He writes with wit and wisdom, and is wicked good with images and turns of phrase.

For example:

Our culture is sexually schizophrenic.

All in all, we cannot make up our minds between getting our freak on and collapsing into an armchair, bored and dissatisfied.

In their death throes, humans fade into nothingness while flailing in fits of energy. At the end of all action, there is a panic of action. This saddens me to no end, for sex is awesome, beautiful, unifying, and life-giving, and yet we see mirrored in our sexual culture what we see in death — grotesque action on the way to final inaction. Is sex dying?

Pornography and subsequent masturbation have set an impossibly high standard for women. Men have seen hundreds of fake-breasted, airbrushed, aroused-to-the-point-of-myocardial-infarction pixels, all contorted into positions that would make an Olympic gymnast proud — before they have lain with an actual, warm-blooded woman.

Read the full blog post.  He makes some comments about contraception to which i don’t necessarily subscribe, but his point that it fuels what he refers to as a consequence-free approach to sex — which is very damaging to us — is well taken.

Barnes encourages his readers to, respectfully, give our culture the bird and walk away from what it is trying to sell us in terms of sexuality. Are we sexually schizophrenic? Absolutely.

By

Porn Before Puberty

Porn Before Puberty

On a recent ABC News Nightline, anchor Juju Chang reported on the growing and frightening phenom of pre-teens learning their sex-ed from internet porn. A forthcoming film entitled “Sexy Baby: A Documentary about Sexiness & the Cyber Age” provided a launching point for the piece.

In a nutshell: A generation of kids are learning about sex, not from their parents, but from internet porn.

Here’s a quote from the Sexy Baby website:

“Most youngsters know someone who has emailed or texted a naked photo of themselves. Many kids have accidentally or intentionally had their first introduction to sex be via hardcore online porn. Facebook has created an arena where kids compete to be ‘liked’ and constantly worry about what image to portray—much of what was once private is now made public…We found that the adult entertainment world…is trickling into the mainstream world…”

Trickling? Hmmm…I’d say flooding is a better word.

Winifred, the teenage girl who was interviewed by Chang (and is one of the pre-teen subjects of the documentary), admits that she posts sexy pictures on Facebook which cannot be viewed by her parents. Instead, every boy at her school sees them. She realizes that the image she creates of herself forms an expectation for her behavior, producing a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. sexy pictures=sexy Winifred).

So why does she do it?

(Photo removed)

“We’re getting messages from everywhere saying if you dress this way you are going to be either treated well or feel powerful. Sex is power.”

This sexual currency used for social popularity and acceptance has become a normal part of adolescence throughut our culture. (See my post on sexting for more info.) Parents seem genuinely confused about how to limit their kid’s consumption of porn or even if they should.

In the ABC piece, Winifred’s mother recalls the girls she knew in college who were raised in overly restrictive homes and then went “wild” once they had their freedom. She doesn’t want that for her daughter so she gives her the freedom to wear provocative clothing and post sexy images of herself online.

Clearly parents are confused.

But wait! There’s one glimmer of hope from Winifred!

“If parents are able to talk to their children about what real love and real sex is later on in life, most of the kids I know would trust their parents over two porn stars that they’ve never met.”

I hope she’s right!

But… I’m not sure that’s always the case. Especially if parents continue to condone overtly sexual behavior and clothing in their pre-teen children. Or if they wait too long to seriously discuss sexuality and pornography.

Dr. Jill Manning, in her audio presentation, Let’s Talk About the Elephant in the Room, tells the story of a 9-year-old boy who started watching pornography online, getting into homosexual porn as well. When his parents finally sat him down for the “sex talk,” he dismissed their version of sex. He realized they didn’t know anything about it.

They did know something about it, but their description of sex and his porn-infected view were worlds apart.

How can parents protect their kids from internet porn? What can they teach them and at what age? Let me know what you think! What are your experiences in teaching your children a healthy view of sex before they get exposed or curious about pornography?

By

More Churches Offer Counseling for Sex Addiction

By Abby Acone
October 6, 2012

VIDEO – More Churches Offer Counseling for Sex Addiction

It is a staggering number— each year, the U-S porn industry makes $14 billion — and more money than the entire NFL. And as those profits rise, it’s leading to leading to a public health problem that most people don’t want to acknowledge— sex addiction.

Action News discovered more local churches are offering counseling for porn addicts. KEPR talked to one couple who found healing from a secret addiction.

“Every waking minute – that’s all you think about,” described Jim.

This man is recovering from a porn addiction – and asked us to shield his identity. We’ll call him Jim.

“I tried to stop myself,” explained Jim.

For years Jim kept his porn addiction from everyone— including the people closest to him.Coming out to his wife was no easy task.

“The fear of being discovered and going behind her back. I kept it a secret for a very long time,” said Jim.

“Julie” and “Jim” restored their marriage – by way of faith and intensive counseling.

They are the exception.

Divorce lawyers say 50% of their cases involve a partner addicted to porn.

“It’s a problem! It destroys good sex in marriage,” emphasized Julie.

Action News found more churches in the area are offering counseling and support groups for sex and porn addiction.  We talked to handfuls of churches that say more men are facing their hidden hang-ups.

“For a long time there’s been a huge stigma,” said Counselor BJ Olson.

Counselors tell KEPR they see more couples coming forward to get help.

“Keep it in the dark and don’t talk about it, but also this movement to try and say that it’s normal,” said Olson.

Another method of recovery for sex addicts? Some religious organizations suggest using Internet filtering programs like Covenant Eyes or Triple XXX Church to help monitor and report sex activity.

“For some men, the only time they can have a quote un-quote normal sexual experience is if pornography is somehow part of it. It becomes very impulsive – and it almost feels like they’re compelled to do it,” added Olson.

Experts say the road to healing is all about honesty – coupled with empathy from a wife.

“You can’t pretend – oh, it’s glamorous, it’s great, it’s no big deal,” added Olson.

The American Psychiatric Association is now working to include sexual addiction as a legitimate problem

By

Woody’s Story

22 years ago today, I entered a rehab facility for help with sexual addiction.

I was 35 years old, and for the first time in my life, I began to grow up.  One thing I have learned about myself, I was immature because I was stuck in my childhood.  I was sexually used, then abused from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old.  That locked me into my childhood.  I grew up full of embarrassment, shame, anger, fear and neglect.  Ironically, the one thing that was the source of my shame became the one thing I used to make me feel good.  Sex.  Masturbation, porn, girls, fantasies, daydreams, these became my way of life.

I became two personalities, basically, a public persona and a private persona.  Who I was publicly, was all about image control.  I projected a public image of myself that I wanted others to see, and I held onto the private persona so I could retreat into my hidden world.  Eventually, I got to the point where I knew I needed to stop, I knew I wasn’t a man of integrity.  I wanted to be honest, but I was a liar.  I wanted to live in such a way that I didn’t have to spend my time looking over my shoulder, trying not to get caught doing things I shouldn’t be doing.  I told myself many times, with the gravest of sincerity, “I will never do that again”.  I was never able to keep that commitment, though.  I discovered, later, I didn’t lack the desire to stop, I simply didn’t have the power to stop.
I was a very lonely man, even though I was married, and I used to look at other married couples and wish I had what they had.  I knew I could never have what they had unless I came clean and got honest.  But, there was a high price for honesty.  It could cost me everything to get honest and I might lose my marriage, my job, my future.  The fear of that high price kept me from coming clean for a long time.
I tried all kinds of ways to deal with my problem, I figured, as long as I never did any of those things again, I would never have to tell anyone anything, I could just go on living and be honest from this point on.  But, I always knew, deep inside, that doesn’t work.  So, on May 18, 1991, I began, what eventually became a month long process of coming clean to my wife.  Eventually, I realized I needed professional help, but not before denying I needed that help.  So, I paid that high price to become honest.  I resigned my position as a pastor and checked myself into a rehab facility here in Houston.
22 years ago today, and I have had a few slips, but I never returned to my old lifestyle.  I am one person now, not two.  If you were to watch me secretly and compare me to who I am in public, you would see I am no longer two “Woodys”, I am one person.
I live in freedom today, because I surrendered my will to God’s will, and prayed for His strength to do for me what I could not do for myself.  I’m no longer a liar and I practice rigorous honesty on a daily basis.  Now, when I disappoint my wife, it isn’t because I betrayed her and broke my wedding vows, but rather, it’s because I’ve done something that normal husbands do that disappoints their wives.
My sobriety cost me everything too!  I was homeless for about two months, my wife and I were separated and heading towards a divorce.  I discovered though, there is no price too high to pay for sobriety.  No matter what the cost, I was willing to pay it.  That hasn’t changed in me in the last 22 years either, no price is too high to pay for my sobriety.
It is amazing to me to be the recipient of so many absolutely undeserved blessings in my life.  My Bride and I did not divorce, instead, we worked it out and are truly in love with each other today.  I have a home and two new cars, all paid for.  I am debt free financially and am able to give generously to support Christian and other charitable causes.
I still go to 12 Step meetings, and sponsor other men who want to recover from sex addiction.  I will always be grateful that I received grace and forgiveness, especially when I least deserved it.
Praise God, I am a free man.
My name is Woody, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and a recovering sex addict, and I have been clean and sober for 22 years.