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Journal Through Recovery Entry 21: A Break

I think I have stated that my counselor likes to up my anxiety. He has a talent for doing just that each session. He likes to wait until the last part of the session to do so. Today’s session was no different.

At the end of today’s session, he told me he was bothered by something. I said, OK, what is up? He proceeded to remind me of the marriage intensive with my wife, like I really needed reminding! He pointed out that he had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and he was bothered that my wife and I had been sexually intimate after day two. OK, I really did not expect that. I thought maybe I said something wrong he wanted to point out to me. I figured he had an epiphany about how I became someone who could do what I have done. Nope, that wasn’t it. He didn’t like that I was sexually intimate with my wife during that time. OK, now I am completely confused. Why would that bother him? Isn’t that a good sign that my wife still wants to be with me in an intimate way? That despite the betrayal and lies and manipulation, she still sees the need to build intimacy with me. Only that isn’t the way he sees it.

Of course, he had a nice one page document already printed out for me, titled Intimacy and Leadership Exercise.  Excellent. I don’t like where this is going already. The opening paragraph states that this exercise is for a married couple where the marital vow of monogamy, both sexually and emotionally, has been broken by the actions the husband took, AND where the husband and wife have reengaged sexually prior to at least 90 days after the exposure of the betrayal. OK, I really don’t like where this is going now.

According to my counselor, this is a challenge for the husband and wife to enter a unique period of intimacy together where the emphasis is on leadership and self-discipline. This exercise may be relatively simple to understand, but may be hard to do. OK, if this is what I think it is, that is the understatement of the year.

Yep, its what I thought it was. I am to inform my wife of this exercise and to lead it. This should be a loving, consensual and relationship building exercise. The rules basically are:

  • No sexual intercourse for a minimum of 90 days
  • I can’t see my wife naked
  • No sexual touching of any kind. Brief kissing and minor hugging is allowed (well, thanks for that!)
  • We have to stay in the same bed
  • I am to arrange day 91, a joint sexual experience
  • I am responsible for connecting with my wife in an emotional or intimate way every evening before we go to bed
  • I have to journal about all this daily
  • We start over if we break the rules.

The end of the briefing with my counselor focuses on the purpose of this exercise. There are three characteristics of marriage this is meant to reinforce:

  1. Intimacy doesn’t mean sex
  2. The husband is responsible for servant leadership within the marriage
  3. The wife is responsible for graceful responsiveness of her husband’s leadership role.

Wow. OK, I understand the purpose. I even agree with the purpose. Can we do this in our marriage? I guess we will find out.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 20: Milestones

This is a month of milestones. Two specific milestones, in fact. When I think of milestones, I think of achievements, accomplishments. Hitting a goal, moving forward. I am learning to think of milestones in another way as well. Recognizing the impact that past events can have and still have on my spouse.

I reach three months of sobriety this month. I have probably gone longer periods without acting out during my lifetime. I have never actively pursued sobriety and sanctification. In my Castimonia 12-step group, milestones are celebrated, recognized by awarding chips, tokens to show length of sobriety. I have my one and two month chips, I carry my two month chip daily. My three month is something I am thankful of achieving. I am humbled. I know my grasp on sobriety is tenuous this early in my recovery. I am thankful for the tools, the support from my counselor and accountability partners, and for my sponsor.

I recognize another milestone this month. One year. One year since I sent my wife a text message to tell her that I was leaving her. That I had found someone else. I unknowingly opened the door to future total discovery from that one text message. I thought I was ending my marriage. That wasn’t God’s plan. I caused my wife immense and overwhelming pain and hurt. The fact that she was able to reach out to me two days later to tell me she still loved me and wanted me to come home is incomprehensible to me, even now. She doesn’t understand it either and says she is not sure she could do that again knowing what she knows now.

I recognized three months of sobriety in a Saturday meeting. The guys all clapped for me, the facilitator hugged me and presented me with a 3 month chip.

I struggled to determine how to recognize one year. I sought out counsel from several guys, my sponsor, my counselor. The wise guidance I got from an accountability partner was to make sure to tell my wife I remembered the date, I knew what she had done for me and our marriage, and that I would not forget. I decided on a card for her. I didn’t want to overdo it. I spent a whole week deciding what to say.  This is what I ended up with:

One year ago, I sent you a text that would destroy your faith in me and our marriage. I am thankful you chose to still love me despite the hurt I have caused you and our kids.

I have no doubt this day is full of painful memories. I am sorry for being the source of that pain.  I will not forget this date and the damage my actions caused you.

Thank you for loving me and for remaining in our marriage.

At our weekly check in, my wife and I were talking about where I was in recovery, what I had been doing for the week, how I had been following my path of sanctification.  I asked if I could get something for her. I got the card and before I gave it to her, I told her that I didn’t know how she could have let me come home. Not after what I did to her. I hadn’t and wouldn’t forget. I gave her the card and thanked her for being with me. I know it wasn’t enough. I know I can never tell her enough how thankful I am that she didn’t give up, even when I did.

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Being Honest And Open About Porn And Masturbation

Originally posted at: http://prevailingwordministries.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/being-honest-and-open-about-porn-and-masturbation/
by prevailing word ministries

It takes courage to be open about your sexuality. It takes even more courage to be open about porn and masturbation.

Men tend to be more secretive because lust in the heart is a pleasure of this life he wants few people to know about.

The way people perceive him is important. Anything that emits an evil, unsavory scent will put him in a category of the sexually deviant. It hurts to know that somebody knows that you are a pervert.

Sins of the flesh is a pleasure that God forbids. Within the framework of marriage, a man can enjoy sex. This is the boundary that the Lord set to save a man from the underworld of departed sinful spirits. But man loves to deviate in secrecy to have pleasure on the side.

To indulge at your own peril is not good.

In fact, the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

How does a man become honest and open about porn and masturbation?

In looking at the life of David, when he lusted in his heart for the wife of Uriah the Hittite, named Bathsheba, we can see that secrecy in the heart of David was at play here (see 2 Samuel 11). David was a man after God’s own heart that would do all His will, the Bible tells us. But lust or coveting your neighbor’s wife was in David’s heart.

While we could speculate, such speculation is preponderance. It is more likely than not that David had Secret Sexual Sins evident in his life.

Notice Psalm 32:1-5, A Psalm of David.

“Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.

For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.
Selah

I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
Selah

While David never said masturbation. let’s be honest about it.

When men come to church service after a night of porn and masturbation, we are never quick to articulate specifically these sins when we ask for the Lord’s forgiveness. This is a common act of men in sexual sins. We avoid the shame of saying specifically what these sins are because it is shameful. Shameful in the fact that we have stooped low from the normalcy of male sexuality into the depths of perversion.

So we try to cover what we’ve done by using words that mask what we are really asking God to do.

To forgive our porn and masturbation habits.

If we were really honest, we know that after we believe in our hearts that the Lord forgave us, we are quick to return to make preparation to sexually sin again. If we were really honest, we would see that we have developed a pattern of deceiving ourselves, over and over again.

We want the Lord but we want to have the pleasures of this life at the same time.

We men fall into the common patterns of male sexuality. According to Dr. William Struthers, from his book on “Wired For Intimacy,” we see that it is common for a man to be attracted to the opposite sex. But it is sinful to take attraction to the level of lust.

According to Dr. Struthers, “porn hijacks the brain.”

We lust after that image to have sex with something that is just an image. So we act out sexually by ourselves to climax as if we have had sex with her. In the soul and spirit, we’ve made an attempt to become one with that person and we haven’t even touched her.

But according to the Lord Jesus, we have.

Matthew 5:27-30  “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”

The sole purpose of porn is to fuel the perverted passion of lust in the heart for her. Again, notice that the Lord uses two anatomies of man.

The right eye and the right hand.

We all know that with the eyes, we are stimulated but we also want the penis to be sexually stimulated. So we touch ourselves sexually. I don’t know about you, but not only does this include looking at another woman to lust after her and then use our hands to touch her, I believe that Jesus includes masturbation.

Have you ever thought about the fact that Jesus never touched Himself sexually, to masturbate?

Hebrews 4:15 and 2 Corinthians 5:21 is proof of this.

Besides, if Jesus sinned sexually, God would not have been able to place the sins of the whole world upon Him because if you sin just once, in only one area, you are guilty of all sins according to James 2:10.

Again, there is no specific Scripture that prohibits masturbation. In other words, “Thou shalt not masturbate.”

However, there is no Scripture that gives us permission to masturbate.

Just because the Bible is silent in this area, it doesn’t imply permission. And just because the Bible says that where there is no law against masturbation, there is no sin. It doesn’t mean that you have the right to engage. Many proponents of masturbation will argue until they are blue in the face, but the one thing that they will never be able to do is walk away with a clear conscience.

Because if you still have to ask yourself if masturbation is a sin, then just the question alone condemns your heart. Many walk away suppressing the truth in pride and arrogance.

Here is the reason why the answer of “no masturbation” is clear.

God confined sex within the institution of marriage.

Thus, any extracurricular sex is prohibited.

Many man that struggle in the area of porn and masturbation will be trigger quick (like me) to shoot down any attempt to stop masturbation because it is the only pleasure a man enjoys in the privacy of his world of lust. To have that woman without touching her is a pleasure that some men cannot do without.

For a few reasons.

1. No commitment. Just sex.

2. No pregnancy. Just sex.

3. No relationship. Just sex.

4. No STDs. Just sex.

After you’re done (ejaculation), you move on to the next fantasy woman.

Honestly, masturbation is more about you than that image. Gratifying yourself.

It’s only when we Come Clean about our porn and masturbation habits that the power of God can come to help us begin the process of getting clean in His presence.

As I have said, it takes mustering up the inner strength to be courageous about what is happening in us, spirit, soul, and body. As long as we pursue sexual immorality in secrecy, the further it will take us into darker places. We dare to go deeper into darkness because that is the nature of the devil. To take us straight into the depths of his darkness, which only leads us to ultimate darkness. Where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, where the worm dies not, and the smoke of our torment rises forever.

That’s the result of all sexual sins according to Revelation 21:8.

This is a good deterrent but man believes that the pleasure of fulfilling the lusts of the flesh exceeds the consequences. Man deceives himself into thinking that God overlooks this, and we know that He doesn’t. Otherwise we would not be looking out the window to see if we are going to be judged.

But when we sin, the consequences will manifest. It’s inevitable. It’s an unavoidable reality.

Take the time to seek God and muster up the courage to deal with what is going on in you. The Lord desires you to be free. The prison doors are open. They’ve been open since the resurrection of Jesus. Every man can walk free without being charged. So long as we repent, turn from our wicked ways, seek His face, and walk away from porn and masturbation forever.

Be open and honest about it.

 

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 19: The Care of God

We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God, as we understood God. – Step Three

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I finished Step Two! I am officially insane.  Yay, me! Great way to start a new week. That realization sucks. Really a lot. I have spent a lot of time thinking over my past decisions.  How I ended up here. I came up with one very obvious learning from this self-reflection: I make TERRIBLE decisions. Obvious, right? Obviously not. I didn’t think so. Quite the opposite, I used to brag on my spiritual gift of discernment. Wow. Insanity is absolutely right.

So on to Step Three.  I think I have done this. I know that God makes better decisions than I do, so why not turn over decision making authority to him? Give him power of attorney for my life. That seems easy enough. I am sure my sponsor will see that as well and it’s off to Step Four. I should be healed in 3 to 4 months at this rate.  Cool!

OK, well he didn’t agree. Figures. He wants me to look at where my heart was in my acting out. What was the state of my heart during that time?  OK, let’s review. First, my heart was selfish. I only wanted to fulfill my own needs despite the consequences to others. I spent our personal savings on acting out. I told my wife I wanted to leave her via a text message. I missed key points in my kids’ lives, time I will never get back nor will they. Just to fulfill my own acting out desires.

The state of my heart? Dirty. That’s all I think of when I think of the state of my heart at that time. Dirty. Filthy with selfishness, self-righteousness. My heart was my own. Not God’s. I wasn’t surrendered despite professing to be a faithful believer in Christ. The state of my heart was that I didn’t trust God with my life, only my salvation.

My counselor put it to me this way very early in my recovery. I was trying to understand why I wasn’t healed. I didn’t get why I couldn’t just ask God to fix me and that would be that. So he dumbed it down for me, which I obviously needed.  This is how he said it. He asked me what fundamentally changed when I asked Christ into my heart, believed in Him. I wasn’t sure. He pointed out that one thing happened, just one thing.  Death was no longer on the table. I was free from eternal separation from God.

Yes, exactly. I agree. That’s what happens. Then he stated…that’s it. That’s what happens when you accept Christ. Your character defects don’t go away, you don’t all of a sudden exit a fallen world. You don’t transform into a new creation with a new body and no flaws. You are still human and still sinful. To change those character defects, you have to be obedient in following a path to sanctification.

That is what I missed. I never saw it. Or I saw it and I didn’t want to hear it or believe it. I need to turn over my life and my WILL to God. That means how I daily live my life, moment to moment. The 12 steps are a path of sanctification for me. One that God has provided to me even though I didn’t want to see it. OK, I see it. God, I turn over my life and my will. ALL my life. So on to the defects and identifying them.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 34: Happy New Year – Finding the “New You” Out of Sex Addiction

Doug discusses some topics for focusing on the new year.  How to walk in the freedom of God’s grace and your own recovery.

We pray for blessing upon you and your family in 2017, and we look forward to an exciting year of guests, topics, and testimonies.

Please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information.