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5 Toxins of the Tongue That Can Poison Your Marriage

SOURCE:  Mark Merrill

Toxic words poison, and sometimes even kill, relationships. Words like, “I hate you” or “I wish I never met you” can cause irreparable damage. I confess there have been too many times when harsh, harmful words have come out of my mouth toward my wife, Susan, my kids, and others. It grieves me. I’m continually working hard to choose my words wisely.

Here are five toxins of the tongue that we must work to avoid:

1. Sarcastic Words: Comments like, “The lawn isn’t going to mow itself,” or “Do I look like your maid?” seem like no big deal on the surface, right? But sarcastic words are sometimes just symptoms of an underlying unmet expectation that has frustrated a spouse for quite some time. They can be used as a cowardly way to “dig” at your husband and wife…poisoning slowly.

2. Unsupportive Words: Every husband and wife wants to know that they have their spouse in their corner cheering them on. When a spouse says things like, “That’s a crazy idea,” or “Do you really think you can do that?”…what they may really be saying is “I don’t believe in you,” or “I’m not on your team.” Now, that’s not to say you shouldn’t tell your spouse when you think they have a truly bad idea. But, instead of saying, “That’s the worst idea ever,” you could say, “That’s a great idea, but I feel like you would be better at this…” Supporting one another’s aspirations is essential to a happy and productive marriage. We should be our spouses #1 fan, not their biggest critic.

3. Disrespectful Words: Respect is not something that has to be earned. It should be given unconditionally in marriage. Disrespectful comments like, “Can’t you find a real job?”, “I don’t care what you say; I’m going to do it anyway”, and “You’ve really been putting on weight” are insulting, offensive, and can undermine a spouses sense of worth.

4. Comparing words: When saying things like, “Jonathan would do that for his wife” or “Why can’t you be more like Karen?” what you’re really communicating is “You don’t make the grade…you’re not good enough” as a husband or wife.

5. Selfish Words: “I don’t care how you feel, just get it done.” “I want that new dress.” “I need someone who really meets my needs.” Spouses who care more about themselves than their spouses often start their sentences with “I.” It’s all about their wants and their needs, rather than their mates.

Have any, or many, of these toxins of the tongue been injected into your marriage? If so, here are several antidotes you can use to counteract their effects.

  • Apologize to your spouse for all the poisonous things you’ve said to them over the years. Healing can only begin when toxins are removed. And in the case of verbal toxins, relationships begin to mend when couples ask for forgiveness from each other.
  • Be slow to speak. There’s an old adage that states you never regret what you never say. It’s okay to be quiet, reserved, and thoughtful about what comes out of your mouth…especially when you are upset.
  • Make a personal vow that toxic words will no longer come out of your mouth. Putting a post-it note by your bed or on your mirror can serve to remind you of your commitment. Give your spouse the freedom to inform you when toxicity starts to stream from your tongue.
  • These 10 Things Husbands Want to Hear from their Wives and 10 Things Wives Want to Hear from their Husbands can give you some ideas on how you can breathe life-giving words into your spouse. You were created to build each other up, not tear each other down.

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Is Sex Ruining Your Life?

Sounds like an odd question to ask, but for some people, this is a serious issue. Sex is a normal, satisfying experience for most human beings. We are programmed to want sex as a species. Many people even consider an abundance of sex to be a good thing. But too much of a good thing can be bad for you. How do you know when your sexual appetite has shifted from normal behavior to an addiction?

Fortunately, we have a simple quiz that you can take in the privacy of your home to help answer that question. Keep in mind that every person is unique, and you need to use your best judgment when self-evaluating. If you feel that you may be transitioning from a healthy lifestyle to one of excess, please give us a call. Our professionals understand what you are going through and can help you understand if Gentle Path at The Meadows is right for you.
Oh, and we aren’t going to ask you to share your results of this quiz on Facebook! This is completely confidential. We value your privacy and understand that this is a sensitive topic.

Click here to take the test shown below: Am I a Sex Addict?

SAST Test

The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior which may indicate the presence of sex addiction. Developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists, and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior. Before starting this COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL assessment we need basic information in order to build your profile.
1. Please indicate gender:(*)
MaleFemale
2. Indicate Orientation:(*)
Heterosexual Bisexual Homosexual
Please answer “yes” to any of the following which apply:
3. I have no concerns about my sexual behavior but am curious how I would score.(*)
YesNo
4. I have no concerns about my sexual behavior but others are concerned.(*)
YesNo
5. I am having problems with my sexual behavior but do not consider myself a “sex addict.”(*)
Yes No
6. I know I am a sex addict.(*)
YesNo
7. I have sought therapy because of my sexual problems.(*)
YesNo
8. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?(*)
YesNo
9. Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
10. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?(*)
YesNo
11. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?(*)
YesNo
12. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
13. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?(*)
YesNo
14. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?(*)
YesNo
15. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?(*)
YesNo
16. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?(*)
YesNo
17. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?(*)
YesNo
18. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?(*)
YesNo
19. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?(*)
YesNo
20. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?(*)
Yes No
21. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?(*)
YesNo
22. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?(*)
YesNo
23. Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities) been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?(*)
YesNo
24. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?(*)
YesNo
25. Is sex almost all you think about?(*)
YesNo
26. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?(*)
YesNo
27. Has sex become the most important thing in your life?(*)
YesNo
28. Are you in crisis over sexual matters?(*)
YesNo
29. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?(*)
YesNo
30. Do you spend too much time online for sexual purposes?(*)
YesNo
31. Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?(*)
YesNo
32. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?(*)
YesNo
33. Have people in your life been upset about your sexual activities online?(*)
YesNo
34. Have you attempted to stop your online sexual behaviors?(*)
YesNo
35. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?(*)
YesNo
36. Have you been sexual with minors?(*)
YesNo
37. Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, adult bookstores and movie houses?(*)
YesNo
38. Have you engaged prostitutes and escorts to satisfy your sexual needs?(*)
YesNo
39. Have you spent considerable time surfing pornography online?(*)
YesNo
40. Have you used magazines, videos or online pornography even when there was considerable risk of being caught by family members who would be upset by your behavior?(*)
YesNo
41. Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?(*)
YesNo
42. Have stayed in romantic relationships after they became emotionally or physically abusive?(*)
YesNo
43. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?(*)
YesNo
44. Have you maintained multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time?(*)
YesNo
45. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?(*)
YesNo
46. Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?(*)
YesNo
47. Do you visit sexual bath-houses, sex clubs or adult video/bookstores as part of your regular sexual activity?(*)
YesNo
48. Have you engaged in unsafe or “risky” sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?(*)
YesNo
49. Have you cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers?(*)
YesNo
50. Do you believe casual or anonymous sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships?(*)
YesNo
51. Has your sexual behavior put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?(*)
YesNo
52. Have you been paid for sex?(*)
YesNo

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How Can I Become a Child of God?

Originally posted at:

How can I become a child of God?

The world needs to know that it is not to late to become a child of God…. Yet, the end cometh !

Becoming a child of God requires faith in Jesus Christ. “To all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).

“You must be born again”

When visited by the religious leader Nicodemus, Jesus did not immediately assure him of heaven. Instead, Christ told him he had to become a child of God, saying, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again” (John 3:3).

The first time a person is born, he inherits the sin nature that stems from Adam’s disobedience in the Garden of Eden. No one has to teach a child how to sin. He naturally follows his own wrong desires, leading to such sins as lying, stealing, and hating. Rather than being a child of God, he is a child of disobedience and wrath (Ephesians 2:1–3).

As children of wrath, we deserve to be separated from God in hell. Thankfully, Ephesians 2:4–5 says, “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” How are we made alive with Christ / born again / made a child of God? We must receive Jesus by faith!

Receive Jesus

“To all who have received him—those who believe in his name—he has given the right to become God’s children” (John 1:12, NET). This verse clearly explains how to become a child of God. We must receive Jesus by believing in Him. What must we believe about Jesus?

First, the child of God recognizes that Jesus is the eternal Son of God who became man. Born of a virgin through the power of the Holy Spirit, Jesus did not inherit Adam’s sin nature. Therefore, Jesus is called the second Adam (1 Corinthians 15:22). While Adam’s disobedience brought the curse of sin on the world, Christ’s perfect obedience brings a blessing. Our response must be to repent (turn from sin) and seek forgiveness in Christ.

Second, the child of God has faith in Jesus as Savior. God’s plan was to sacrifice His perfect Son on the cross to pay the punishment we deserve for our sin: death. Christ’s death frees those who receive Him from the penalty and power of sin. His resurrection justifies us (Romans 4:25).

Finally, the child of God follows Jesus as Lord. After raising up Christ as the Victor over sin and death, God gave Him all authority (Ephesians 1:20–23). Jesus leads all who receive Him; He will judge all who reject Him (Acts 10:42). By God’s grace, we’re born again to new life as God’s child. Only those who receive Jesus—not merely knowing about Him but relying on Him for salvation, submitting to Him as Master, and loving Him as the supreme treasure—become children of God.

Become a child of God

Just as we had no part in our natural birth, we cannot cause ourselves to be born into God’s family by doing good deeds or conjuring up faith of our own. God is the one who “gave the right” to become a child of God according to His gracious will. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). Thus, the child of God has nothing to be proud about; his only boast is in the Lord (Ephesians 2:8–9).

A child grows up to look like his parents. Similarly, God wants His children to become more and more like Jesus Christ. Although only in heaven will we be perfect, a child of God will not habitually, unrepentantly sin. “Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother” (1 John 3:7–10).

Make no mistake—a child of God cannot be “disowned” by sinning. But someone who consistently engages in and enjoys sin without heeding Christ and His Word reveals that he was never born again. Jesus told such people, “You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire” (John 8:44). The child of God, on the other hand, no longer craves the gratification of sin but desires to know, love, and glorify his or her Father.

The rewards of being a child of God are immeasurable. As God’s child, we are a part of His family (the church), promised a home in heaven, and given the right to approach God in prayer (Ephesians 2:19; 1 Peter 1:3–6; Romans 8:15). Respond to God’s call to repent of sin and believe in Christ. Become a child of God today!

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10 Things You Should Know about Suffering

Originally posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/10-things-you-should-know-about-suffering

1. Suffering is a result of the fall.

God warned Adam that eating the forbidden fruit would result in death (Gen 2). Romans 5:12 confirms that this happened after Adam’s fall, “Just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.” Death (and the accompanying pain and suffering) came as a result of that first sin and our continued sin. Pain, suffering, and death—in and of themselves—are not good.

2. God uses suffering for good.

Thankfully, Romans 8 tells us “That for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God never tells us our pain is good, but he uses pain to work for our good in his miraculous and mysterious way.

One of the ways God uses pain is to wake us up and bring up to himself. Our tendency in times of trial may be to run away from God, become angry with God, or idolize worldly comfort. Charles Spurgeon said it well when he encouraged us to look to God in our pain. He is attributed with saying, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” We need to realize that God is in control over all our circumstances . . . and he is good. We need to open our eyes in our pain and see that our circumstances are taking us right to God.

3. We can’t always see what God is doing in our pain.

Augustine wrote of God and our circumstances, “If you understand, it is not God you understand.” We can hardly scratch the surface of the intentionality, creativity, and wisdom of God’s handiwork. Who can give him counsel or criticize his work? Proverbs 16:4 says, “The Lord has made everything for its purpose.” We can trust that God is always doing more than we can fathom.

We need to realize that God is in control over all our circumstances . . . and he is good.

4. God uses suffering to mature us in Christ.

James 1 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Trials can be counted as joy because God is persevering our faith. He is making us more like Christ, and that is always gain.

5. Persevering through suffering allows us to comfort others who suffer.

God brings us through suffering so we can comfort others who are suffering. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” The best burden-bearers are the ones who’ve needed someone to carry their burdens in the past.

6. Suffering opens up ministry opportunities you’ve never dreamed of.

Growing up with a healthy body I never knew one day my life and ministry would include encouraging the hurting and helping those who care for the hurting. I am in constant pain—each day I feel burning sensations and sharp pains in both of my arms. I can’t put on my seatbelt, open a bottle of water, button my shirt, or shake hands with my friends. In the past couple of years I have begun to feel similar symptoms starting in my legs. Some days the pain is agonizing. Most nights I struggle to sleep. Depression has engulfed me on more than one occasion.

And yet! God’s grace is seen in the bright rays of light that shine through opportunities he has given me to encourage others. He has granted me grace to pastor out of weakness and witness to others about his unrelenting love. I never would have chosen or dreamed of a ministry like this—the Lord has done marvelous things.

7. God moves through weakness and suffering and not in spite of it.

Christianity teaches that the goal is not to eliminate pain and weakness (in this life), but for God to work in and through you in your pain. Paul had a thorn in his flesh and asked God multiple times but it remained. One could wonder how amazing Paul’s ministry would be if Paul didn’t have his thorn. But God didn’t use Paul despite his thorn, but through his thorn. God moves not in spite of our suffering, but through our suffering. Weakness is God’s way of moving in this world.

8. Our earthly perspective on the duration of suffering is very different from God’s.

Noah worked on an ark and waited for a flood. Abraham waited for a child with Sarah for years. Joseph was in prison for years. Moses wandered in the desert wilderness for 40 years. Hannah wept continually for a child. David fled from a wicked king for 13 years in the desert. Jeremiah “the weeping prophet” preached and saw no fruit for several decades. Paul faced imprisonment one after another. 2 Corinthians 4:17 gives us a healthy perspective on persevering in trials, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”

9. Suffering can propel us into community.

My suffering has caused me to depend on the believing community for help, service, encouragement, and prayer. Though seeking help is humbling, it has an added bonus of friendship. I think of all the rides my friends Chris and Scott have given me over the years; I think of Glen’s encouragement; I think of John’s phone calls from halfway around the world and Darren and Kieron’s text messages. When we resist the urge to isolate ourselves God blesses us with sweet fellowship.

10. Christianity has the only solution to suffering.

All other religions have insufficient means of coping with and resolving pain and suffering. Some present plans of escape from the reality of pain. Some teach ways to placate the gods. Some tout karmic philosophies. Some focus on working for paradise—a place with no pain and unbounded pleasure.

But only Christianity provides true hope for the hurting. Suffering and death is inevitable for all of us but we can have hope because one has gone before us in death. Jesus Christ, truly God and truly man, lived a sinless life in our place. He faced various temptations and trials—betrayal by those closest to him, mockery, emotional anguish, physical agony, and most of all, judgment by God the Father.

When Jesus hung on the cross bearing the weight of his people’s sins, he not only faced the worst earthly death imaginable (reserved for only the worst criminals), he faced the overflowing cup of God’s wrath. But the story doesn’t end there with the death of Jesus.

Three days later he walked out of his tomb; Jesus had risen from the dead. Christ’s resurrection means that our pain and our trials and even our death are not the end of the story.

Dave Furman

Dave Furman (ThM, Dallas Theological Seminary) serves as the senior pastor of Redeemer Church of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates, which he planted in 2010. Dave and his wife, Gloria, have four children.

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Reality! Who needs it?

Individuals in recovery have generally spent a lot of time avoiding their painful, shameful or fearful reality. Using chemicals, relationships, busyness, spending, eating, not eating, fantasy, gambling, sex, etc. to escape reality.

What is your reality anyway?

As a baby, your brain was in a receptive mode and you downloaded and duplicated everything around you. As you grew up, you kept imprinting within you, all of the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and things that happened and you became you.

From Pia Mellody’s Model of Developmental Immaturity, we learn that this programming creates a belief system. You interpret everything that you perceive through your own belief system, particularly as you interact with others. That’s why people frequently disagree about a shared experience. For example, let’s say that Jason had a disagreement with his sister while they were at a social event and shared about it with several friends. Sara identifies with Jason’s sister, feels empathy, and defends her. Jennifer is reminded of being embarrassed by her mother in public and feels pain and shame. Mark feels annoyed about the very topic of conversation and thinks about something else. Everyone has his or her own reality.

In emotional recovery work, it is extremely helpful to understand your reality and how to work with it. First, your reality is your experience in the present moment and includes your body, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Think of a recent time when you felt reactive in an interaction with someone and experienced some strong feelings come up. Now, breathe, take a moment, and fully experience the sensations in your body. Those sensations inform you about your feelings. Identify what the feelings are. Is it pain, hurt or sadness, or is it fear or anger? If you are not used to identifying your feelings, it can take some practice. Truthfully, your feelings are generated by the thought you had. When you are reactive, it’s hard to think straight and it can take some time to identify what the actual thought was, or where in your history it originated.

The most helpful way to think about this is with curiosity and owning it rather than judging yourself or blaming someone else. You are in a disempowered victim mode when you blame someone else for your reaction and that keeps you stuck. When you own that your reaction came from your own programming, then you are empowered to understand yourself better and can change.

So how do we do that? How do we change our reactivity, our thoughts, and feelings, and why go through the trouble?

Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is staying in REALITY at all costs.” You’ve had those experiences when you are fully present, connected with yourself, aware of your senses, and feeling alive. Joy, passion, love, and the sense of connection with yourself are present moment experiences. You miss out on life when you are not present. Everyone checks/spaces-out at times; it is the human condition. However, the more present you are, the happier and healthier you will be.

Here are the steps to working with your reality when you are triggered or become reactive:

  • Take slow deep breaths and be curious about what you are experiencing and why it is coming up.

  • Notice and describe to yourself the sensations you are feeling in your body and identify the emotional feeling word or words that fit. (Hurt, fear, anger, irritation, shame, guilt, for example.)

  • Stay present and curious about the feelings or issues that are underneath the surface feelings. It could be abandonment, feeling threatened or unsafe, used or manipulated, blamed, shame, guilt, or a memory of an incident from your past. You could discuss this with a therapist.

  • When appropriate, you can own your own experience in the present moment and share it with that person you were reactive to by using your talking boundary. For example, in the previous story, Jennifer becomes very quiet and moody. She might share with Jason, “When I heard you say that your sister made a scene at the family dinner, what came up for me was a time when my mother was embarrassingly loud and rude in public and I’m feeling some shame and pain.” In sharing her reality in this manner, Jennifer’s friends will understand her better and she will likely have a sense of relief from the pain and shame.

Only do this when you feel like a functional adult. Listen to the other person’s reality. Be open to getting to know them and to learn about yourself.

Practicing this will likely bring insight as to how the programming in your brain hijacked the situation and gave you a distorted reality. That insight creates a new reality, even a new neuropathway in your brain. This practice begins to create a new, healthier, happier reality, which makes it easier for you to be present. So who needs reality? We all do.

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