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Common Regrets of Divorced Couples or 5 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage
Originally posted at: http://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/5-ways-to-strengthen-your-marriage/
Terri Orbuch is a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research. She recently identified some of the top common regrets of divorced couples.
“Divorced individuals who step back and say – ‘This is what I’ve done wrong and this is what I will change’ – have something powerful to teach others,” Orbuch says.
Here are five things divorced couples regret not having done more of with a few comments of my own:
1. Boost your spouse’s mood
Encouraging and affirming your spouse in very simple ways can go a very long way. One study found that when a husband reported his wife didn’t express love and affection (not necessarily sex) the couple was twice as likely to divorce.
2. Talk more about money
As we’ve discussed on numerous broadcasts, money is a magnifier of problems but it’s also a common source of significant tension. Don’t keep secrets. Establish a family budget and stick to it.
3. Get over the past
Couples who can’t forgive past hurts grow bitter and resentful. Again, talk it out. Write a letter. Talk with a friend.
4. Blame the relationship
Studies suggest that 65% of divorcees blame the ex-spouse for the demise of their marriage. When discussing relationship problems, Dr. Orbuch suggests saying “we,” not “you” or “I.” For example, you might say, “We are both so tired lately,” not “You are so crabby.”
5. Reveal more about yourself
Dr. Orbuch recommends: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics.
Do you resonate with these findings? What might you add as # 6 on this list?
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Concerning Divorce
Originally posted at: http://applyingmybeliefs.wordpress.com/2014/11/06/concerning-divorce/
by applyingmybeliefs
In the Christian community we often discourage divorce, sometimes inappropriately, and some of us often encourage divorce, equally inappropriately. Perhaps we ought to become a little more educated about what God says on this topic. Most of us know this phrase from Malachi 2:16:
- God hates divorce.
There is nothing wrong with this quote. However, it is an incomplete quote and we do a disservice to each other if we don’t quote God more fully. This is the full quote; normally I use the ESV but their translation is poor for this section of scripture, so I’m going back to the NASU (New American Standard – Updated):
Mal 2:13-16 – This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” NASU
This is written as a warning to men about divorce and I think we ought to learn what it says, in the sense of memorize the main points, and we ought to understand the sentiments expressed.
What does it say?
I’m going to paraphrase what is said to us to highlight the basics of this issue, remembering that this is from God’s perspective:
Okay guys! You come to Me with your whining, pleading and crying because life is not going well. I hear you, but I’m not going to look upon these requests favorably; you ask Me why; let Me tell you why.
I was a witness at your wedding. I accepted your vows as true, and I have been blessing that marriage ever since. But you have betrayed your vows, betrayed your wife and by inference you have betrayed Me. You did this to the wife, whom I consecrated by My presence to be your intimate companion, thereby breaking the highest form of human relationship that I designed, the covenantal marriage. You broke all those unconditional promises you made in front of Me; You simply cannot be trusted to keep your word.
And you wonder why things aren’t going well for you!
Buddy, when you head off into unfaithfulness and divorce you aren’t listening to My Holy Spirit; you are doing what is right in your own eyes. Let me put you and everybody else on that path straight.
When any man considers divorce I will speak through My Spirit to them. I will tell them do not be a traitor to the holy vow of following God Almighty, do not be a traitor to the holiest of the earthly vows a man can make, that of unconditional marriage and do not be a traitor to the wife you promised to love and cherish.
While I’m not going to call this a sin, I am going to let you know that I hate it.
I hope that this comes over as a strong word; because that is the way I interpret how God feels about this subject. He seems to lay the onus of dealing with this issue on the man, which I’m going to accept as a part of the spiritual leadership that a man shoulders in a marriage. However, most of these things can also be said to the wives in our culture, so they aren’t off the hook.
Some Final Words
Divorce is a damaging event. Some of the things it does are; destroys the sacredness of marriage, launches women into poverty and takes the father out of the home. Is it any wonder that God speaks so strongly about it?
While divorce is something to be avoided if possible, there are three reasonable situations when divorce might be considered; these are the three “As.”
- Abandonment – One spouse permanently leaves the other.
- Abuse – One spouse deliberately harms the other in an ongoing and systematic way.
- Adultery – One spouse has one or more intimate relationships outside of marriage; sex is not the issue, emotional connection is. (Mt 5:28)
It may be hard to stay with a difficult spouse, but that doesn’t mean we must give up and break our word.
This is our instruction:
James 5:12 – But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. ESV
My opinion is on this is that the most important place that this ought to be followed is within the boundaries of a marriage.
Journal Through Recovery Entry 06: Accountability
“Why haven’t you found accountability partners yet? Are you close to finding a sponsor?”
Each week in counseling, I am greeted with a new challenge from my counselor. I think he dreams up ways to continually make me uncomfortable. After our joint counseling session, I didn’t know if he could top that one. Somehow he always seems to succeed. Accountability partners make me very uncomfortable. I tried accountability about 20 years ago with a group of guys. I was open and honest with them. Well, as open and honest as I could be at the time. Which, to be rigorously honest, wasn’t very open or honest.
Accountability partners. Who should that be? According to my counselor, I should find guys that I can trust. Ok, that is a given. Also, I should find guys who are willing to ask me hard questions. Also, not a surprise. Oh, and preferably in recovery and don’t automatically believe what I say, and care about me enough not to take my word for anything. Ok, now that is very confusing. How is that supposed to work?
I think I have two guys in mind. One is a guy I know in recovery who I went to church with for several years. I think I mentioned that I like the version of him I know now. He isn’t trying to one up me on the arrogance scale. I will ask him. I will also ask a friend who isn’t in recovery who I have known for many years. I have lied to him. A lot. He cares about me and my wife. He was there when my oldest son was born. He has supported and loved us. He didn’t abandon me or my wife when I first announced that I was leaving her and then briefly came to my senses when she told me she still loved me and would let me come home. I wonder how he will respond when I reveal myself as a liar and an addict to him. I don’t know, honestly.
My counselor wanted to instruct my accountability partners on how to be accountable with me. However, first he wanted me to tell them my story, my first step. I had written it in draft. I made copies for them to read. However, my counselor said that wasn’t enough. I had to recite my story verbally to them. I started from the beginning. I told them the parts I didn’t want to reveal even to God. I opened up my soul and exposed my shame to them. I told them about how I was broken, damaged, and then about how I inflicted pain and suffering and hurt and destruction on my wife and kids. They didn’t even know the extent of it yet. What I realized in revealing that was that I didn’t fully understand the depth of the hurt and damage either. Reliving it was emotional and painful and ripped my heart into shreds and exposed my shame.
And……they supported me anyway. My friends cried with me and for me and for my family. I don’t understand why God has given me people that love me this way. I don’t love me this way. How can anyone else? How can God? Then I heard Him….I heard God saying, “How do you not know I love you? I died for you as you are, not as you hope to be.”
