CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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July 30th Monday Night Meeting Temporary Location Change

Due to The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch’s Fun Fest (VBS) to be held in the evenings beginning Monday, July 30th, the Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support and Recovery Group meeting will be moved to Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church which regularly hosts the Thursday night meeting.  All information is written below.  The Monday night meeting will return to it’s original location the following Monday.  Please note the change and sorry for the inconvenience!

MONDAY, JULY 30th – MEETING LOCATION CHANGE:
 This change will only affect the Monday, July 30th meeting.  It will return to it’s usual location on Monday, August 6th.
Time: 7:00PM – 8:30PM
Location: Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church – Mansion, Room 203
2655 South Mason Road
Katy, TX  77450
281.646.1903
  
Map to Church                            Campus Map

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Addicted to Love

Addicted to Love

It’s interesting I ended up in this meeting.  In never thought I would be in a room with other men addicted to love and sex or relationships.  However, after hearing numerous first steps I knew this was the right place to me.  With help from my sponsor I have been able to discuss these issues, write them down, and then present them to you in an effort to begin the healing process.

My earliest childhood memories were not the most pleasant.  My father was very affluent, and everyone looked up to him, it wasn’t until really started looking at my family of origin that I found traces of sex and love addiction among him.  I was his second child from his affair partner, whom he actually married when my mother was pregnant with my older brother.  The sad thing is, my older brother died shortly after he was born, maybe a punishment for my mother and father’s sinful behavior?  I do remember being given everything I ever wanted.  My father and mother provided a lot for me, we had an enormous home and I was looked after by numerous caretakers as well as my parents.  Going back to my family of origin, in entering recovery and asking the questions that needed to be asked about my family of origin, I found out about my father’s adultery and how he met my mother.  You see my father was into voyeurism and lusted after my mother.  He took the extra step and began an affair.  Thankfully, he married my mother so technically I wasn’t some unwanted pregnancy.  My father was, however, in denial for some time about his actions until he was set straight by a close friend of his who pointed out what he had done.  After that, he began to turn away from that lifestyle, unfortunately, not enough.  He still acted out with other women, marrying them one-by-one.  Maybe that’s where I got part of my problem, genetics?

I remember growing up with a bunch of half-brothers and half-sisters, it was quite dysfunctional.  I didn’t complain, I was my mother’s only child and she took great care of me, but she was still emotionally drained and heartbroken at my father’s sexual activities.  When I was old enough, my mother prepared me begin the process of taking control of my father’s business.  I was given the best education and was absolutely ready.  As a side note, just before this, two of my half-brothers got into a feud over one of them raping the other’s sister (the assailant’s half-sister) and the rapist was murdered in cold blood.  Now that is crazy, but perhaps this helps you understand how insane my life growing up really was compared to a “normal” family.  That half-brother of mine even tried to murder my father so he could take over the business, but he ended up getting killed in the process.  Really messed up!

I remember the day my mother forced my father to give me control of his company by using guilt and some shame in the process.  I already suffered from a distant father wound, but now I could see the overly bonded mother wound coming out.  My mother was basically controlling my life and forcing my father to give up control to me.  It was like some crazy soap opera!  Furthermore, my other half-brother who initially tried to take control was murdered, but I won’t say who did it or why.  It sounds like my life is completely out of control at this point, but it gets worse!

I remember my first wife, she was very beautiful, but if I am brutally honest, the marriage was arranged in order to help me and her father in business dealings.  I wonder how many men have married their wives because of their father-in-law’s power and business.  I loved her, moved her to my newly built home but it wasn’t the love I wanted.  It wasn’t like the movies or as read in books; it wasn’t the “fantasy” I searched for all my life.  So what did I do? I started looking for another wife to fulfill what I thought real love should be; a fantasy!

Furthermore, while married, I began writing romance books, poems, and short stories in an attempt to deal with my love addiction.  One short story ended up selling world-wide and was a very poetic story about a man and a woman, in love, making love to one another with God present in their relationship.  I’m not sure if it was the mixture of the content and the poetry that made it such a best seller or just that it was written by someone with so much power and prestige.  Now that I look back, it was a cry out for me for help!  I have a problem and I can’t seem to admit it, I keep searching for that great romantic fantasy with each and every woman I am with, but I can never find it.  I even tried to help my children with my book on wisdom and living a godly life.  That too became a popular best-seller, but alas, I didn’t listen to my own advice – isn’t that the case most times, we can give great advice but don’t always follow our own!

By the time I entered recovery, I was plagued with depression and suicidal thoughts.  I even wrote about it, which I will discuss in a bit.  Just before entering recovery, I experimented with my wife and her worship of ancient cultures and ancient gods, not the God I originally knew growing up.  She had me performing all these ancient near-east rituals that revolved around sexuality.  I enjoyed them; it helped feed the fantasy and my addiction.  It made sex more powerful to my addict, but afterwards, I still felt empty, completely and totally empty.  It seemed life was meaningless.  While married to her, I wrote about how meaningless life had become apart from God, the real God, not some ancient false god where sex was the main worshiping ritual.  That too became a best-seller, but I was still empty.  All the publicity tours about my love poem short story and now this book on life being empty and meaningless all meant nothing to me!  I all wanted was real love, however, now I realize that I don’t even know what is considered real love.

I have learned over and over, beginning from my childhood, to believe in a fantasy love, not a real love with ups and downs.  As I review my powerlessness and the unmanageability in my life, I can see the common theme; I “fell in love,” thought I was happy for a while, something would go wrong, and then I would exit and find another woman with whom to fall in love!  It was a vicious cycle, I couldn’t stop, and in reality, I didn’t want to stop.  And finally, it hit me, without God (my God, not some ancient false god) life has not meaning, without meaning, life has no purpose, without purpose I have only one way out – suicide!

I mentioned the meaningless and suicidal thoughts as well as my entire story to my therapist and he let me know that I might have a sex and/or love addiction.  He talked to me about support groups I could attend and a program I could work through.  By the time I entered recovery, I had spent over 50 million dollars on my addiction, either through various wives, acting out material, or houses, gifts, trips, etc… that helped fuel my addiction.  I have had more wives than I can possibly remember.  This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but someone close to me told me I, that in my long lifetime, that I had been married 700 times, and I had 300 women I took care of on the side, those of which I would have sex with whenever I wanted, call them affair partners if you wish.  My search for the perfect love has been futile and worthless and I have lost countless years of my life in pursuit of a happiness that cannot be found apart from God.

Hello, my name is Solomon, and I am a sex and love addict.

The above post is my own interpretation of King Solomon’s life had he lived today.  It is taken from various parts of the Bible, most notably 2 Samuel and 1 Kings.  The tragedy of all of this is that the problem began with his father David and was passed on to his descendants until the time of Jesus Christ.  Solomon had a very dysfunctional life, made the best he could out of it, but at the end, he strayed from God and allowed his wives to influence him negatively.  I don’t believe there is a prayer like David’s Psalm 51 where Solomon asks for God’s forgiveness, but he does a great job of illustrating how meaningless life is apart from God when he wrote Ecclesiastes.  I hope everyone man’s life gets to the point where they are crying out to God for help, that they hit that rock bottom and realize they need help, and that they begin attending support and recovery groups for their problem.  Don’t let it go this far, get help now, before it is too late.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

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Filtering out the Trash

Filters

YUCK! Tap water tastes horrible.  Well, maybe only in Odessa, TX, but tap water isn’t the most pleasant tasting water I can drink.  Although tap water isn’t deadly in the United States, it may contain unwanted particles that affect the taste of the water.  In Mexico, however, it is important to not drink the tap water due to it being non-potable; it hasn’t been filtered through proper water treatment.  This unfiltered water can lead to illness, even death!

The same goes for the internet.  The internet is a very useful tool to society; we can connect with others across the globe, share ideas, share project information, pay our bills, make friends, etc…  However, there are darker sides of the internet, those that can cause serious emotional and mental harm.  Obviously, because of the theme of this site, only one of these darker sides will be discussed in this post; pornography.

In a recent technical article posted in the “Online porn is huge. Like Really, Really Huge. Who Knew?” post on April 13th it is estimated that 29 petabytes (kilobyte (kB) -> megabyte (MB) -> gigabyte (GB) -> terabyte (TB) -> petabyte (PB) – smaller to larger.  As a comparison most computer hard drives are measured only in gigabytes!) of pornographic data is transferred every month.  In another associated article an estimated 30% of all internet traffic is related to pornography!  Below are some statistics on pornography consumption.  Keep in mind that these numbers are from 2006 and have become more alarming in the past 6 years.

  • More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month
  • Nearly 74 percent of pornography websites surveyed display adult content on their homepage (accessible to anyone) before asking if the viewers are of legal age.
  • Every second, 28,258 Internet viewers are viewing pornography
  • Every second, 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines
  • One out of three youth who viewed pornography, viewed the pornography intentionally
  • Seven out of ten youth have accidentally come across pornography online
  • Nearly 80 percent of unwanted exposure to pornography is taking place in the home (79 percent occurs in the home; 9 percent occurs at school; 7 percent other/unknown; 5 percent at a friend’s home).
  • A study in the southeastern U.S. found that 53 percent of boys and 28 percent of girls (ages 12-15) reported use of sexually explicit media. The Internet was the most popular forum for viewing.
  • 90% of 8 – 16 year olds have viewed pornography online (most while doing homework)
  • 26 Children’s character names linked to thousands of porn links (i.e. Pokemon or Action Man)
  • Average age of first Internet porn exposure 11 in 2006, 5 (boys) in 2011!
  • Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12 – 17 year-old age group
  • Over half of evangelical pastors admits viewing pornography

Again, keep in mind that most of these statistics are from 2006.  One can easily imagine how much worse it has become with the increase in high-speed internet connections across our country as well as the advent of High Definition pornography.  The most disturbing aspect to me is the large number of children being exposed to pornography.  I hope you understand that pornographers are predators; they WANT your children to view pornography.  They create URLs similar to names of children characters and turn existing children’s characters into sexual objects.  For their business to thrive, they NEED you and your children to become addicted to their drug so they can keep selling it to you.

For the sake of my target audience I won’t list any actual website names, but during my sex addiction specialist training a few of the sites, that have innocent names of children’s characters that are actually pornography sites, were mentioned.  It’s everywhere; pornographers mislead children and adults into stumbling upon their product.  They corrupt young and old alike, without care of consequences or fear of retribution.  They infect humans with their product, all in worship of the almighty dollar!  The sad reality becomes that instead of stumbling upon this material, kids and adults get hooked and now find excuses to get onto those sites.

So hopefully you are beginning to understand why we all need proper internet filters on our computers.  Without filters, it is too easy to find pornography on the internet.  I call it “six clicks of separation” where one can find adult content on the internet within six clicks or websites.  It’s easy to do, especially with all the side bar advertisements on various sites these days.

In my case, as a recovering sex addict, I need the filters to block pornography on my computers.  I have filters at work and at home.  I don’t want the material in my mind, I don’t need the material in my mind, and I especially don’t want it in my house.  Therefore, I have instituted these external boundaries for my own health, not for some sort of restriction.  My sponsor always tells me, “When my internal boundaries fail, it is good to have external boundaries.”  And to be honest, I don’t ever want my two children to accidently visit an adult site!  I don’t ever want them to go through what I have been through in fighting this addiction; the pain the suffering, the tears, and the anguish, not only for me, but for my loved ones.  It is just too easy to get hooked on pornography, it is too easy to access it, but it is in no way easy to get over it and to fight the addiction on a daily basis!

We install filters for our own mental health and the health of our children.  Filters are not meant to police the individual and our children.  If we talk openly and honestly about the reality of pornography and sex to our children, we can help them establish their own internal boundaries on what is and what is not appropriate to view on the internet.  We can’t shelter our children, but we can help make their life easier by making accidental access to adult or pornographic material harder!

And a word about those husbands or fathers that rebuke the idea of internet filters in their home.  There is a high probability that these men do not want proper filters because they are the ones looking at inappropriate material!  These selfish men are so consumed with their own sexual sin that they refuse to see the benefit to their family and children.  I will remind those men that as of my SAS training in 2011, the average age of exposure to pornography for boys is now 5 years old (9 for girls); I was exposed at 4 years old.  Don’t let your selfishness or pride destroy your child’s life.  If you truly care for your children you will install proper internet filters on your computer.  Think of it this way, if you knew that a vaccine with no side-effects could prevent a deadly virus from causing damage to your child now or in the future and save them and you years of heartache and pain, would you not be willing to give it to them?  Are you willing to look back in 20 years when your son or daughter is making amends for their own sexual addiction and realize you could have helped prevent this had you invested in a proper internet filter?   The choice is yours.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

A PDF with suggested internet filters and accountability tools and websites is attached below.  Updated copies may be found under our resources page.

Suggested Internet Filtering and Accountability Software:

 Suggested Internet Filters

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Porn Addiction In America

Below is a graphic that displays various statistics of the consumption of pornography, most of which is produced in the United States.

Tomorrow, I’ll discuss why internet filters are a must for ALL families!

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Four Things I Learned That Helped My Marriage

Four Things I Learned That Helped My Marriage
by Wood F.
Oringinally posted to The City on June 3, 2012

I’m a fella who did not get what he deserved – I got grace, forgiveness and love.  Real love.  I’m coming up on a very important, personal anniversary this June 15th.  As I refect on these last 21 years of my life, I see some things God had done in the process of transforming me.

I’d like to share just some things, not all of them – and my sharing does not imply that I have acheived perfection in these things, just progress.  Perhaps by my sharing these things, you will find something helpful that you can usetoo.

First, I learned to communicate with my wife.  Nothing strikes utter fear and terror in the heart of a husband than to hear his wife say, “Honey, we have to talk”.  But, I learned how to listen to her and hear more than her words – I learned to hear her heart.  She learned that I am not always in touch with how I’m feeling or thinking about something, so she learned to help me get in touch with my own thoughts and feelings.  It wasn’t easy to accomplish this – but, we worked at it, hard, everyday – and still do.  I learned the art of communication cannot be accomplished passively.

Second, I learned that Betty is My Bride.  I call her that often, in fact, as often as I can.  I find it changes my attitude towards her.  Calling her “my wife” just seems like I’m identifying a possession, but calling her “My Bride”, well, that’s different.  I see her as a personal gift from God, like Eve was to Adam.  If I ever want to know how God feels about me, I just look over at her, and there is living, breathing proof that God knows me, cares for me and loves me.  I learned that when she challenges me and calls me into accountability, that I should listen to her. I find that if I’m getting defensive about something, then that usually means she is right.  I don’t always respond well to that kind of chastening, but I have discovered that she sees things I often overlook.  She fills in my blind spots for me and if I listen to her and heed her advice, life improves in many ways.  Her challenges to me, often save me from making foolish decisions.  See what a gift from God she is?  She is My Bride.

Third – I learned to spend time with her.  In fact, I would rather hang out with her than anyone else.  I would rather sit next to her on our Love Seat, than do anything else in the whole world.  That is a fact.  I would rather go to a movie, eat out, watch TV, clean house, do laundry, cook, drive somewhere, go camping or pretty much anything – as long as I can do it with her.  She is my best friend.  I carve out moments of the evening, days of the weekends, nights of the weekdays – just to be with her.  I text her, email her, call her – just to be in touch. She is priority number one.

Fourth, I learned to be her encourager.  I love nothing better than finding out what she would like to learn or experiment with, and make sure she can do it.  I love to brag on her talents, encourage her explorations and cheer her on when she is doing what she loves.  I don’t really care if what she wants to do costs money – so what?  I spend it on her and for her.  If I earn extra money by doing some side jobs, I love to give it to her or spend it on her.

My basic philosophy that guides me in all this is found in Ephesians 5:25-33

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

What that Scripture tells me, is that I am to give up my life for My Bride, just like Jesus gave up His life for His Bride.  I am to do all I can to make certain she knows how precious she is.  I am to do all I can to make certain she knows how loved she is.

If your marriage is in need of revival – if you feel your marriage is in trouble and you are looking for a sliver of hope to hang onto, then remember these words from Isaiah 42:3a, “

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

God wants to your marriage to be a source of peace, contentment, restoration, fulfilment, satisfaction – and so many other good things.  Marrage is supposed to be a blessing.  If you will surrender your will to God, and allow Him to be in charge, your marriage can be so much more than you ever thought it could be.  You cannot do this apart from God.

I guess my words are meant mostly for husbands, so, fellas, get out there and love your Bride the way Jesus loves His church.