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Narcissism, Lying, and Evil

Originally posted at: http://applyingmybeliefs.wordpress.com/2014/12/16/narcissism-lying-and-evil/
by applyingmybeliefs

In his book “People of the Lie” Christian Psychiatrist Scott Peck makes this statement:

  • Lying is both a cause and manifestation of evil.

For Christians, the epitome of evil is the spiritual being known as Satan.  Jesus made this definitive statement about him:

Jn 8:44(b) – He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  ESV

I would say that Scott Peck’s statement is consistent with the words of Jesus, and I realized that when I read the book.  The statement stimulated my thinking about people being evil or at least having evil parts or tendencies or thoughts or behaviors, and how we see them manifested in our culture.

Peck, as a Psychiatrist sees the world with a scientific perspective and in the book he explains how the evil inner part of people shows up in their actions, in their relationships and in their personalities.  In fact he goes as far as saying that evil comes out of narcissism.  Again this seems to be supported by scripture; here is the description of Satan supplied by God, together with the reason why he was thrown out of God’s presence and favor.  Does this sound like the ultimate narcissist?

Eze 28:12(b) – 17(a) – You were the signet of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.  You were in Eden, the garden of God; every precious stone was your covering, sardius, topaz, and diamond, beryl, onyx, and jasper, sapphire,  emerald, and carbuncle; and crafted in gold were your settings and your engravings.  On the day that you were created they were prepared.  You were an anointed guardian cherub.  I placed you; you were on the holy mountain of God; in the midst of the stones of fire you walked.  You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created, till unrighteousness was found in you.  In the abundance of your trade you were filled with violence in your midst, and you sinned; so I cast you as a profane thing from the mountain of God, and I destroyed you, O guardian cherub, from the midst of the stones of fire.  Your heart was proud because of your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor.

When I consider or meditate on these things I’m left at the place where I ask myself some questions like this:

  • Does Satan really need to talk to us to tempt us into doing evil?
  • Is his self-appointed role one of developing narcissists?
  • Does evil come from a narcissistic personality or a lying character or both?

I have long believed that Satan doesn’t have to do anything for us ordinary folk to commit evil acts; we all have the propensity inside us to do evil.  And I have also long believed that lying is an act of evil.  I only have to look at my past life to demonstrate that!

I have learned that so many of the best liars are narcissists, as I was in my past.  In the ministry I operate I see it consistently in the form of a broad spectrum.  Some narcissists are so far gone that it is almost impossible to work with them.  When they’re confronted with the truth that the world does not revolve around them and they have a destructive effect on people around them, they reject the message and leave.  Mostly though, I see narcissists who struggle with the issue of evil, although it is disguised as compulsive behaviors, bad choices or addictions.

So then, when we come across a person who persistently lies, according to Peck, we ought to assume that a big part of their character is evil, and a major feature of their personality is narcissistic.  Out of my personal experience I find this to be a reasonable generalization, not always accurate, but a good place to start work from.

Why do people lie?  Why does Jesus call Satan the “Father of lies?”  Why does Satan continue to lie (deceive the nations – Rev 20:8), and why will he continue to lie until he is vanquished?  According to Jesus, and Peck agrees, it comes out of an individual’s personhood, or their personality.  The personality trait or type pictured in scripture and in Peck’s book is narcissistic.

Narcissism is one of two forms of self-love pictured in scripture, and interestingly in secular psychology.

Narcissism is an unhealthy self-love.  It is characterized by grandiose thinking, pride and the maximization of self with the minimization of others.  It values its own opinions and dismisses all others.  It elevates personal importance as a supreme truth, and reduces all others as of no consequence.  It believes it is always right.  Consequently narcissists are blind to truth.

It is this blindness that is the source of lies in a narcissist.  This is why Satan can never speak truth; he is a 100% narcissist.  This is also why an addict lies constantly; he or she has the major personality flaw of narcissism in their personhood.  Even when confronted with undeniable truth, an addict will still deny it.  To deny truth is to deny self for a narcissist.

Some people believe that an addict’s biggest struggle is with their drug of choice.  This is not so, their biggest struggle will always be to overcome their own narcissistic personality.  Without overcoming this, the addict is always going to be an addict, and always be vulnerable to a relapse.  The addicts who don’t have a serious narcissistic side will be much more able to get through their recovery than those who have a deeper flaw.  Knowing this helps to explain why some addicts respond to treatment or recovery better than others.

The person who chooses biblical self-love in obedience to Jesus’ simple command is way less likely to succumb to the pressure of temptation to act out with compulsive and addictive behaviors.  This is where the command is located:

Mk 12:30-31(a) – You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  ESV

Love God, love yourself and love your neighbor.  Using God’s definition of love:

1 Cor 13:4-7 – Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

As we can see the love described by God is very different from the self-love of the world, which is narcissism.  Real self-love elevates God onto the throne of a person’s heart; narcissism elevates self onto that throne.  Therefore to overcome narcissism a person has to abdicate their internal throne; a decidedly difficult choice and task

What are the “take-aways” from this discussion of narcissism, lying and evil?

  • Narcissism causes a self-blindness which may be the central cause of lying.
  • Narcissism and lying may be the source of evil thoughts and actions.
  • Narcissism is hard to overcome.
  • Compulsive or addictive behaviors are likely to be sourced in narcissism.

For those of us in recovery, narcissism ought to be a serious part of our discussion with our counselors or mentors.  Confession of narcissism and much prayer may be necessary to get to healing:

Jas 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.  ESV

Yes, narcissism is a sin, it does need to be recognized in front of God and others, and it does need to be prayed over.

While we may know we lie, and will confess it, how many of us can admit we have evil inside us and have narcissistic tendencies?

Lying, evil and narcissism are tough things to deal with.  But it is so worth it to get them exposed in our lives and let God be put squarely on the throne of our hearts.

 

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 16: Yep, I am Insane

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – Step Two

For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose. – Philippians 2:13

Yep, I am insane. I just finished step two. My sponsor and I meet for breakfast every week to check in, catch up, and try to restore me to sanity and stability. So, a few weeks ago, he told me we needed to move forward. To take the next step. To really look at my need to be restored to sanity. So that means I am insane? Evidently so.

He challenged me to make a list of my top ten most insane behaviors while acting out. Ok. That shouldn’t be too difficult. I completed my first step and disclosure so I have a pretty detailed listing of my behaviors. Only, that was really just a summary. A recitation of my life of addiction and acting out. Awesome. That was such fun.

Only this is different. In order to be restored to sanity I need to really face my own insanity. I told my sponsor, ok, I get it. I acted in inappropriate ways. I didn’t think about the consequences or the risk. Well, maybe I did but they didn’t stop me. So yes, I know I was insane. Evidently that isn’t enough.

My sponsor told me I needed to approach step two Biblically by using Psalm 119:9 as the basis:

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. – Psalm 119:9

Using this verse as my guideline, I had to identify three behaviors that best represented insanity in the course of my lifetime of acting out. Just three, huh? I think I could probably come up with more but ok, three it is. My three were that I committed adultery and broke my wedding vows, I lied repeatedly to my wife and family and friends and everyone, and that I exhibited hypocrisy by judging others and claiming to be something I was not – a man of integrity. Ok, damn, that hurt to write and to read. Now I had to take those and look at what the Bible says specifically about each of those by identifying scripture that addresses each.

Matthew 5 recounts the words of Christ in stating that anyone who looks on a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery. I guess those second looks do come with consequences. Wow, I had read those words many times before. I just hadn’t really incorporated them into me. And they fit so well. Ok so that is the first.

There are multiple references in the Bible about honesty. Or in my case, the lack of honesty.  Let’s call it what it is…lying.  As I sought out references for this second insane behavior, 1 Thessalonians 4:6 caught my attention, to say the least. To paraphrase brother Paul, God punishes those who take advantage of others. Wow, that is so harsh.  In my case, so true. I had used falsehoods and lies to take advantage of my wife, my affair partners, my co-workers, my bosses, my company. God punishes those (me) who do that. I understand, God. I get it.

And finally…hypocrisy. I don’t really have to search far to find it. I just turn to Titus 1:16 where Paul uses God’s words to describe hypocrites. He calls my actions detestable and worthless for doing any good. My behavior, my actions, the core of my life…made me detestable and worthless.

I am tired. I am tired of who and what I was. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing all that I am not. God, only you can take this from me. I am insane.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 31: Working Step 3

We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God, as we understood God.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Step 1 we talked about how “I can’t,” step 2 was “He can,” and now in step 3 we know “He will” if we let him.   Turning our will over to God is difficult because we have been given free will and our selfishness likes to hold on to control. However, there is freedom in letting go. We can see God at work when we give him absolute control over our dreams, actions, and wills.

Jorge and Doug discuss practical ways to work this step as well as how to make that decision to turn over our wills to God.

For more information, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org

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How Many Therapists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change!

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Why Unhealed People Attract Unhealthy Relationships

Originally posted at: http://www.boundariesbooks.com/beyond-boundaries/unhealed-people-attract-unhealthy-relationships/

The leadership of Castimonia highly recommend the boundary set of books by Townsend and Cloud.

Unhealed relational wounds drive us to compulsive attempts to repair the damage. That is, without being aware of it, we seek out people we believe can “fix” what’s wrong with us or help us find a piece of ourselves we feel is missing. We function emotionally like the starving man who looks in a dumpster and sees lunch instead of garbage. His perception is so driven by his need that he is willing to eat something that might make him sick.

Though we may not be aware of it, something in us wants completeness. God has “set eternity in the human heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11), and we long for him and the full life he promises. But if we remain unaware of the powerful forces at work within us, such as our family dynamic and how we responded to it, we can be blind to its influence and seek out the completeness we lack by making all the wrong choices. For example, consider the following scenarios:

•The overly nice person lacks assertiveness and the ability to confront, so he attracts controlling and aggressive people.
•The overly angry person can’t allow herself to feel helpless or sad, so she finds empathic people who won’t confront her moods.
•The rigid, black-and-white person is not able to let go of control, so he seeks out spontaneous, creative people who won’t try to control him.
•The over-responsible, guilt-ridden person lacks self-care, so she finds self-absorbed people who care for no one but themselves.

Of course, the problem is that these kinds of responses do not reflect God’s intentions for us. And they don’t lead to healthy or fulfilling connections.

These missing pieces are part of what is called the “internalization process.” We become who we are by incorporating experiences that we have with other people. On a developmental level, kids come into this life incomplete. In the process of healthy development, they receive safety and acceptance and develop assertiveness, self-control, and self-care that prepare them for life on their own. Once internalization is complete, we become functioning adults who are called to pursue wholeness; or, in Jesus’ words, “What I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity” (Matthew 5:48).

What Jesus means is that he wants us to be mature and complete. But we are not complete. We have missing pieces—soul holes we carry from childhood into adulthood. The path to completeness or wholeness is to find a relational context, such as a healthy church, small group, mentor, or therapist, who can help us finish the emotional work that enables us to grow into the capacities we lack and become who we are meant to be.

This is especially important in romantic relationships, where there is often a glitch in our emotional hardware. We feel strongly that the other person will complete us, but not in the way I am describing. It is not about becoming more connected, intimate, assertive, or real. It is about being in the presence of someone else who has those attributes without having to take responsibility to learn them.

“You complete me” is a great line from the movie, “Jerry Maguire,” but it doesn’t work in real relationships. You can’t outsource health. You must learn it all and take it inside your skin. Complete people then attract other complete people. That is why most of us need to put less energy into romance and more into personal growth. It pays off later in romance.

Understanding your missing pieces also pays off in other ways. Perhaps your concern isn’t about a marriage or dating relationship. It may be that the difficult relationship you need to address is with your parents, siblings, or a person from your childhood. Or it’s about a work relationship. Whatever your interest, you will find great benefit, in looking at the missing pieces, to understanding why things ended up like they did. The more information, the better for you.

Don’t let unhealed relational wounds or the pain of a past relationship affect your future. You can prevent the past from repeating itself. Read Beyond Boundaries to discover how to tell who you can trust, when the time is right to be vulnerable, and learn the keys to identify a healthy relationship.