The following meetings will not be held Thanksgiving week.
Wednesday – Kirby Meeting
Thursday – Katy Grace UMC Meeting
Thursday – Fairfield Baptist Meeting
Thursday – New York
Meetings will resume the following week. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
meeting
30 Reasons Why People Lie
SOURCE: Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC/PsychCentral
Rebecca is a middle school English teacher. Previously she worked in a local public school but was frustrated by the number of daily lies from her students. Thinking the private school environment would be better, she switched. But what she found was even more creative lies that her students would tell her.
One day she decided to count the number of deceptions she heard. Much to her surprise, it wasn’t just the students who were deceitful but the administration, other teachers and parents as well. In all, she counted over 50 lies in one day. This lead to generating a list of the different types of deceit. Here is her list of reasons why people lie.
- Defensive: The most common reason for lying is to self-protect. There might be a real consequence or a perceived one that a person is trying to defend themselves against.
- Vindictive: Some people lie intentionally to cause harm to others because they feel harmed by that person. It is a way of getting back at another person.
- Disappointment: In order to avoid disappointing another person or even themselves, a lie might be told. The uncomfortable feeling of disappointment justifies the deception.
- Manipulate: An abusive person constantly lies in order to continue their manipulation. If the truth came out, the abused might leave.
- Intimidated: Sometimes a lie is done because the person feels intimidated by others. Again, this feeling of inferiority is so uncomfortable that they lie to cover it up.
- Attention-seeking: Unfortunately, there are people who lie just to get the attention of other people. The irony is that most of them don’t know what to do with the attention when they do get it.
- Curiosity: This is a very childlike behavior that some adults don’t grow out of. Instead, they lie just to see what will happen regardless of the harm it might cause others.
- Superior: For those with a larger than life ego and in order to maintain their superiority, they lie to make themselves look better than others.
- Avoid: Some lies are done to get out of trouble or avoid any consequences. This is especially true with children.
- Cover: Some people wear a mask and pretend to be something they are not. To maintain their appearances, they lie to cover up any attempt at revealing the real person.
- Control: Sadly, sometimes it all comes down to control. In an effort to control another person’s behavior, a lie is told.
- Procrastinate: Passive-aggressively avoiding responsibilities is procrastination. This lie is more subtle in that the person knows they should be doing something but is intentionally putting it off.
- Bored: Some people like drama in their lives. So they lie to stir it up and watch the reactions of other people.
- Protect: There are some lies that are done to protect others. In some cases, a lie is told to take on responsibility for things they are not responsible for in an effort to help someone else.
- Habit: After a period of time and done constantly enough, bad habits can form. This is true for some lies that are said over and over.
- Fun: Some people lie as their form of private entertainment. For them, lying is fun because they like to watch how others respond.
- Desire: A person who wants a lie to be the truth has a deep desire to believe their misperception.
- Harm: People who want to harm others undecided, lie about who they are and what they are doing. This is a common tactic during the abduction of others.
- Sympathy: Similar to attention-seeking, a person is trying to get empathy from others by lying about a past or current event.
- Lazy: On occasion, a lie boils down to a person being lazy and not wanting to do the work, so they lie about it.
- Indifference: If a point or issue doesn’t matter to a person, they might lie about it and not see anything wrong with their deception.
- Perception: Some people believe their own lie. Their perception of reality is not accurate so in their eyes, it’s not a lie.
- Elevate: A person might want to elevate themselves to another person’s level high morality, strong work ethic, or perfectionistic standards, so they lie to lift themselves up.
- Impress: As a way of trying to impress others and cause a better impression, a person might lie about who they are, what they have done, or where they are going.
- Covet: When a person wants what other have, they covet the item or person and lie about their jealousy.
- Minimize: As a way of reducing the damage, harm, or consequences that might otherwise occur, a person minimizes the truth in their lie.
- Maximize: On the opposite end, a person might exaggerate their lie and make things worse than what it really is.
- Suppress: In an effort to cover up a problem, a person might suppress the truth. This lie is intentional.
- Deny: Not every person who doesn’t want something to exist by denying the reality, is lying intentionally. Sometimes this is an unintentional.
- Hide: A person might hide themselves, others, or things and lie about doing so as a way to avoid accountability. This is commonly done in conjunction with addictive behavior.
For Rebecca, understanding why a person lies helped her to identify the behavior and more accurately address the underlying issues. She took her frustration of experiencing the lies and turned it into a greater awareness of knowledge and discernment.
10 Things You Should Know about Suffering
Originally posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/10-things-you-should-know-about-suffering
1. Suffering is a result of the fall.
God warned Adam that eating the forbidden fruit would result in death (Gen 2). Romans 5:12 confirms that this happened after Adam’s fall, “Just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.” Death (and the accompanying pain and suffering) came as a result of that first sin and our continued sin. Pain, suffering, and death—in and of themselves—are not good.
2. God uses suffering for good.
Thankfully, Romans 8 tells us “That for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God never tells us our pain is good, but he uses pain to work for our good in his miraculous and mysterious way.
One of the ways God uses pain is to wake us up and bring up to himself. Our tendency in times of trial may be to run away from God, become angry with God, or idolize worldly comfort. Charles Spurgeon said it well when he encouraged us to look to God in our pain. He is attributed with saying, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” We need to realize that God is in control over all our circumstances . . . and he is good. We need to open our eyes in our pain and see that our circumstances are taking us right to God.
3. We can’t always see what God is doing in our pain.
Augustine wrote of God and our circumstances, “If you understand, it is not God you understand.” We can hardly scratch the surface of the intentionality, creativity, and wisdom of God’s handiwork. Who can give him counsel or criticize his work? Proverbs 16:4 says, “The Lord has made everything for its purpose.” We can trust that God is always doing more than we can fathom.
We need to realize that God is in control over all our circumstances . . . and he is good.
4. God uses suffering to mature us in Christ.
James 1 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Trials can be counted as joy because God is persevering our faith. He is making us more like Christ, and that is always gain.
5. Persevering through suffering allows us to comfort others who suffer.
God brings us through suffering so we can comfort others who are suffering. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” The best burden-bearers are the ones who’ve needed someone to carry their burdens in the past.
6. Suffering opens up ministry opportunities you’ve never dreamed of.
Growing up with a healthy body I never knew one day my life and ministry would include encouraging the hurting and helping those who care for the hurting. I am in constant pain—each day I feel burning sensations and sharp pains in both of my arms. I can’t put on my seatbelt, open a bottle of water, button my shirt, or shake hands with my friends. In the past couple of years I have begun to feel similar symptoms starting in my legs. Some days the pain is agonizing. Most nights I struggle to sleep. Depression has engulfed me on more than one occasion.
And yet! God’s grace is seen in the bright rays of light that shine through opportunities he has given me to encourage others. He has granted me grace to pastor out of weakness and witness to others about his unrelenting love. I never would have chosen or dreamed of a ministry like this—the Lord has done marvelous things.
7. God moves through weakness and suffering and not in spite of it.
Christianity teaches that the goal is not to eliminate pain and weakness (in this life), but for God to work in and through you in your pain. Paul had a thorn in his flesh and asked God multiple times but it remained. One could wonder how amazing Paul’s ministry would be if Paul didn’t have his thorn. But God didn’t use Paul despite his thorn, but through his thorn. God moves not in spite of our suffering, but through our suffering. Weakness is God’s way of moving in this world.
8. Our earthly perspective on the duration of suffering is very different from God’s.
Noah worked on an ark and waited for a flood. Abraham waited for a child with Sarah for years. Joseph was in prison for years. Moses wandered in the desert wilderness for 40 years. Hannah wept continually for a child. David fled from a wicked king for 13 years in the desert. Jeremiah “the weeping prophet” preached and saw no fruit for several decades. Paul faced imprisonment one after another. 2 Corinthians 4:17 gives us a healthy perspective on persevering in trials, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
9. Suffering can propel us into community.
My suffering has caused me to depend on the believing community for help, service, encouragement, and prayer. Though seeking help is humbling, it has an added bonus of friendship. I think of all the rides my friends Chris and Scott have given me over the years; I think of Glen’s encouragement; I think of John’s phone calls from halfway around the world and Darren and Kieron’s text messages. When we resist the urge to isolate ourselves God blesses us with sweet fellowship.
10. Christianity has the only solution to suffering.
All other religions have insufficient means of coping with and resolving pain and suffering. Some present plans of escape from the reality of pain. Some teach ways to placate the gods. Some tout karmic philosophies. Some focus on working for paradise—a place with no pain and unbounded pleasure.
But only Christianity provides true hope for the hurting. Suffering and death is inevitable for all of us but we can have hope because one has gone before us in death. Jesus Christ, truly God and truly man, lived a sinless life in our place. He faced various temptations and trials—betrayal by those closest to him, mockery, emotional anguish, physical agony, and most of all, judgment by God the Father.
When Jesus hung on the cross bearing the weight of his people’s sins, he not only faced the worst earthly death imaginable (reserved for only the worst criminals), he faced the overflowing cup of God’s wrath. But the story doesn’t end there with the death of Jesus.
Three days later he walked out of his tomb; Jesus had risen from the dead. Christ’s resurrection means that our pain and our trials and even our death are not the end of the story.
7 Things to Remember About Sex
SOURCE: Family Life Ministry/Bob Lepine
Your spouse approaches intimacy much differently than you.
It’s no surprise that many husbands and wives think differently about sex. And these differences can easily become a source of conflict in marriage.
With that in mind, I want to suggest seven things men need to remember about sex and seven things wives need to keep in mind as well:
What husbands should remember about sex
1. Hollywood sex is made up. It’s a fantasy. The people in romantic scenes in movies are actors. Don’t try to measure your marital sex against what you see in a romantic film.
2. Sex is probably (but not necessarily) a lower priority for your wife than it is for you. Are you as committed to meeting her needs and desires as you’d like her to be with your desire for sex? Could you even name her top three relationship needs? Here is one of them …
3. Your wife needs a safe and secure relationship. In order for her to engage in sex with heart and mind and body, she needs to know that you will be there for her, that you are committed to her, and that she is your one and only.
4. Your wife wants to have sex with a companion, not with someone who simply shares her mailing address. If you’re not spending time having fun together in all kinds of settings, she’s going to be less motivated to be with you sexually.
5. You don’t need to have an affair to be an unfaithful husband. Whether you look at pornography or at other women, the Bible makes it clear that any lust for a woman who is not your wife is adultery.
6. There is no secret formula to arousal. If you think you have found a secret formula, and you attempt to repeat the recipe, your wife will change the secret. Women don’t want to be figured out. They also don’t want to be manipulated.
7. Your wife is insecure about her physical beauty. She sees all the flaws. Watch what you say to her.
What wives should remember about sex
1. Sex is God’s idea. He created it and gave it as a good gift to husbands and wives in marriage. It is a key part of His plan for how we become one in marriage.
2. For most men, sex is a big deal—and it’s not because men are perverted or ungodly. God delights when a husband and wife enjoy marital intimacy.
3. How you respond to your husband when he initiates sex is critical. To be uninterested can communicate a lack of respect and honor for him. I’m not saying you need to say yes every time he initiates. But when you say no, explain why in a way that still affirms your desire for him.
4. Sex is a marital discipline. It’s a part of how we serve each other in marriage. It is wrong for a wife to use sex as a reward or a lack of sex as punishment. The Bible clearly teaches that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other in this area.
5. Men are visually oriented. No matter how you see yourself, he is stimulated by sight. Again, God is the One who made men with a desire to see women naked. And the only legitimate way for your husband to satisfy this God-given desire is for you to let him see you naked.
6. Men in romance novels and soap operas are made up. The strong, sensitive, caring men portrayed in most romance novels are fictional characters. No husband can live up to the near perfection an author presents.
7. Creativity is good. The Bible says that the marriage bed is un-defiled. This means that a husband and wife have freedom to explore what brings them pleasure and enjoyment in the sexual arena of marriage. Neither of you should be pressured to do something you’re uncomfortable with in the sexual relationship. But passion can be stirred by variety and creativity in the sexual relationship.
Reality! Who needs it?
Individuals in recovery have generally spent a lot of time avoiding their painful, shameful or fearful reality. Using chemicals, relationships, busyness, spending, eating, not eating, fantasy, gambling, sex, etc. to escape reality.
What is your reality anyway?
As a baby, your brain was in a receptive mode and you downloaded and duplicated everything around you. As you grew up, you kept imprinting within you, all of the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and things that happened and you became you.
From Pia Mellody’s Model of Developmental Immaturity, we learn that this programming creates a belief system. You interpret everything that you perceive through your own belief system, particularly as you interact with others. That’s why people frequently disagree about a shared experience. For example, let’s say that Jason had a disagreement with his sister while they were at a social event and shared about it with several friends. Sara identifies with Jason’s sister, feels empathy, and defends her. Jennifer is reminded of being embarrassed by her mother in public and feels pain and shame. Mark feels annoyed about the very topic of conversation and thinks about something else. Everyone has his or her own reality.
In emotional recovery work, it is extremely helpful to understand your reality and how to work with it. First, your reality is your experience in the present moment and includes your body, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Think of a recent time when you felt reactive in an interaction with someone and experienced some strong feelings come up. Now, breathe, take a moment, and fully experience the sensations in your body. Those sensations inform you about your feelings. Identify what the feelings are. Is it pain, hurt or sadness, or is it fear or anger? If you are not used to identifying your feelings, it can take some practice. Truthfully, your feelings are generated by the thought you had. When you are reactive, it’s hard to think straight and it can take some time to identify what the actual thought was, or where in your history it originated.
The most helpful way to think about this is with curiosity and owning it rather than judging yourself or blaming someone else. You are in a disempowered victim mode when you blame someone else for your reaction and that keeps you stuck. When you own that your reaction came from your own programming, then you are empowered to understand yourself better and can change.
So how do we do that? How do we change our reactivity, our thoughts, and feelings, and why go through the trouble?
Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is staying in REALITY at all costs.” You’ve had those experiences when you are fully present, connected with yourself, aware of your senses, and feeling alive. Joy, passion, love, and the sense of connection with yourself are present moment experiences. You miss out on life when you are not present. Everyone checks/spaces-out at times; it is the human condition. However, the more present you are, the happier and healthier you will be.
Here are the steps to working with your reality when you are triggered or become reactive:
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Take slow deep breaths and be curious about what you are experiencing and why it is coming up.
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Notice and describe to yourself the sensations you are feeling in your body and identify the emotional feeling word or words that fit. (Hurt, fear, anger, irritation, shame, guilt, for example.)
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Stay present and curious about the feelings or issues that are underneath the surface feelings. It could be abandonment, feeling threatened or unsafe, used or manipulated, blamed, shame, guilt, or a memory of an incident from your past. You could discuss this with a therapist.
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When appropriate, you can own your own experience in the present moment and share it with that person you were reactive to by using your talking boundary. For example, in the previous story, Jennifer becomes very quiet and moody. She might share with Jason, “When I heard you say that your sister made a scene at the family dinner, what came up for me was a time when my mother was embarrassingly loud and rude in public and I’m feeling some shame and pain.” In sharing her reality in this manner, Jennifer’s friends will understand her better and she will likely have a sense of relief from the pain and shame.
Only do this when you feel like a functional adult. Listen to the other person’s reality. Be open to getting to know them and to learn about yourself.
Practicing this will likely bring insight as to how the programming in your brain hijacked the situation and gave you a distorted reality. That insight creates a new reality, even a new neuropathway in your brain. This practice begins to create a new, healthier, happier reality, which makes it easier for you to be present. So who needs reality? We all do.
