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10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency

SOURCE:   Sharon Martin, LCSW / PsychCentral

Codependency is often misunderstood. It’s not just a label to slap on the spouse of every alcoholic. It encompasses a wide-range of behavior and thought patterns that cause people distress to varying degrees. I hope this article will help clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you to understand codependency better.

  • Codependency is a response to trauma. You probably developed codependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or codependent family. As a child in an overwhelming situation, you learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life. For some people, the trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly “normal”, you may have experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma responses down to you.
  • Codependency feels shameful. The foremost shame researcher, Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction, or unemployment. We all know that there’s still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental illness, so we’re afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. Shame grows when we can’t tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are our fault and the direct result of our flaws. We come to believe that we’re not as good as everyone else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject, or abandon us.
  • Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs. Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process. Many codependents describe feeling addicted to another person; the relationship has an obsessive quality that’s hard to quit even when you know it’s unhealthy. Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might ask yourself, “Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you’re not sure who you are. And your loved one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You’re both dependent on each other in an unhealthy way (this the “co” in codependent).
  • Codependents are very sensitive to criticism. Codependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we’ve dealt with a lot of hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives. We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We’ll bend over backward to keep other people happy and divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we try to stay “small and quiet” so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves.
  • Codependents are super responsible. Codependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbors don’t hear the yelling. Most of us were very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents, siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance. We find it easier to care for others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working. But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when we do more than our share.
  • Codependents wall off their own feelings. Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that codependents often employ. However, we can’t wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder to fully enjoy life’s joys, as well. Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your coworker takes credit for your work in an important meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you’ve been mistreated, which isn’t OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it. If you pretend or convince yourself that you’re not hurt or angry, you’ll continue to allow people to take credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.
  • Codependents don’t ask for what they need. One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our feelings, we don’t know what we need. And it’s impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to meet them when you don’t even know what they are. And because of our low self-esteem, we don’t feel worthy to ask our partner, friends, or employer for what we need from. The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be met, but it’s much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or waiting until we’re full of rage).
  • Codependents give, even when it hurts. Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of codependency. What makes it unhealthy is that codependents will put their time, energy, and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes them distress or hardship. This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.
  • Codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis. Many people with codependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma and genetics, but codependency itself isn’t a mental disorder. Also, remember that going to counseling or psychotherapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty and defective, but that doesn’t mean you are!
  • You can change your codependent patterns. People can recover from codependency. I’m not going to lie and tell you it’s easy, but I do know it’s possible. Change is a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a little uncomfortable in the process. You may find that professional therapy is very helpful in addition to self-help resources such as books or 12-step programs (Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Codependents Anonymous are popular choices).   Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change it.

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[Lost in] Translation

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/translation/

by scottwoodtherapy

In a 1970 Monty Python sketch, a book publisher has published a Hungarian-English phrase book for Hungarian tourists visiting Britain.  The publisher has intentionally mistranslated the phrases to wreak havoc.  By way of example, the Hungarian phrase for “Can you direct me to the railway station?” was translated as “Please fondle my buttocks.”  After the ensuing legal case, the public is made aware of the problem such that a man on the street would respond to “Please fondle my buttocks” with directions to the train station.

There is a parallel to this with what happens with distressed spouses.  Since I do a lot of work with sex addicts, let’s look at some examples of things partners of sex addicts say and what the translation may be.  “You didn’t do anything for me for Mother’s Day,” (when you actually tried hard to make it special) may translate into “I am still really hurting over you going outside our relationship and it is really hard for me to trust that you care about me.”  “I can’t believe anything you say,” may actually mean “Because you lied to me before, it is so frightening for me to trust you.  I don’t know what I can believe.”

Even in less distressed relationships, there can be need for translation.  In an ideal situation, partners would always be able to express needs without criticism or contempt.  Unfortunately, this does not always happen.   Sometimes, “What you said just really hurt my feelings,” comes out as “You are so inconsiderate.”

Criticism (applying negative traits and motives to your partner) and contempt (name calling, sarcasm, rolling one’s eyes) are really damaging to the relationship.  We do well to avoid these things.  Sometimes, these will happen anyway, particularly if your partner has been traumatized by something that has happened in the relationship.  Though no one should be required to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse, if your partner has been traumatized, there are times when a little grace might be in order.  What I mean by this is to respond as though your traumatized mate has expressed herself[1] in the most constructive way possible.  “You’re a liar,” (contempt) actually means “I am feeling so hurt by your lies and secrets.”  If she had said it in the most constructive way possible, the response might be something like, “I have hurt you very badly by my lies.  It makes it very hard for you to believe me now.”

The Karpman Drama Triangle is a model of social interaction that looks at participants in interactions taking the roles of Persecutor (controlling, blaming, angry), Victim (oppressed, powerless, ashamed), or Rescuer (enabler, keeps the victim dependent).  What can often happen after discovery of some betrayal of the relationship is that the former victim or rescuer becomes the persecutor and the former persecutor becomes the victim.  This is not a healthy shift.  Name calling is not okay.  Trying to control or shame your partner will never get you the peace and safety you seek.  If you find yourself moving into the persecutor role following a betrayal of trust, it makes sense why you do it, it just really isn’t healthy or helpful.

If you are the partner who betrayed the trust, here is where you can try to bring some healing.  Respond as though your partner expressed her needs in the best way possible.  After, the heat of the moment has been dissipated by empathy, there will be time to talk with your partner about not resorting to contempt.  You can make a concrete request that we not go to name calling during arguments.

A note to the betrayed partner: early in recovery, it may seem that he has no right to request civil treatment after what he did.  We do not repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17).  This is not about giving him a pass for what he did.  It is not about you foregoing your own boundaries.  It isn’t about your decision on whether to stay in the relationship.  It is about responding in healthy and constructive ways.

Having offered all of these thoughts, most couples dealing with significant betrayals of trust need professional help to effectively navigate recovery.  Injuries to your attachment can be healed, but it usually requires help.

[1] I am going to use gender specific pronouns for convenience sake.  Of course, it is not always the husband who betrays the trust nor is the wife always the one who is traumatized.