CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Video – John’s Story, Part 2

John discusses his denial, losing his marriage, hitting rock bottom, and entering recovery.  He talks about attending his first recovery meeting and what recovery has done for him and his life.

“I’m at the bottom, I’ll do anything.  And she suggested I go to a meeting.” – John; speaking about the advice his knowledgable therapist gave him about his sexual addiction and getting help.

Please visit http://www.addiction2recovery.com for more videos and information.

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The Faces of Sexual Addiction – Monday Night Meeting Topic 07/30/2012

The mug shots below are of members of society that were arrested or tried this month (July) for their sexual crimes.  Not all of these people are “sex addicts” but I believe there is some sort of disorder within these people to have them commit these crimes against others.

I am not posting these mugshots to punish these men and women; their punishment is already coming at the hands of the courts and our legal system.  I post these images so that everyone can see that these men and women look like anyone else in our community; our teachers, coaches, fathers, mothers, pastors, police officers, etc…  The addiction has no boundaries, it affects anyone and everyone.  My sponsor once made a joke about attending his first recovery meeting, stating that he was expecting to walk into a room of a bunch of men wearing fedoras and long overcoats as is the typical stereotype of “flashers” or “sex addicts” in our American society.  This may be true in some cases, but a large majority of sexual addicts are just everyday people, like you or me.

You should be able to hover over the pictures and see a description of their crime.

The above men and women entered into what is considered Level 2 and Level 3 sexual addiction.  The reality of the addiction is that if you took a brain scan of a sex addict acting out with Level 1 behaviors versus the above, the scans would be nearly identical.  That is to say, there is very little difference to the human brain, the high one gets from acting out with masturbation and pornography and those acting out with level 2 and 3 sex crimes.  Level 1 includes sexual activity “socially acceptable” by society; masturbation, viewing pornography, visiting strip clubs, prostitution, etc…  Levels 2 & 3 include sexual activities that are not socially acceptable and in some cases, morally offensive as in the case of Jerry Sandusky and a few others shown above.  To learn more about the three levels of sexual addiction, please read Chapter 2: The Levels of Addiction in Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

All the above are representations of “The Empty Chair” that sits in the middle of our recovery meeting circle.  The empty chair represents those members that have left the sexual addiction recovery program in search of their true bottom, those that are suffering the consequences of their addiction in prison, and those whose disease drove them to take their own life.

May God grant these people serenity.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Video – John’s Story, Part 1

John talks about his sexual addiction, how it began, and how it affected his life.  He also does a great job describing his dysfunctional family of origin.

“It was like someone lit a bomb and threw it in my life, I was totally absorbed by it, totally sensantionalized by it and it just mushroomed my sexual addiction…” – John; speaking about the first time he discovered his father’s pornography.

Please visit http://www.addiction2recovery.com for more videos and information.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 07/28/2012 – Luke 18

In today’s meeting I read the scripture below from Luke 18.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else,   Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

In working the 7th step (and in our recovery), we need to understand what being “humble” really is, and what it will gain us.  When we humbly ask Him to remove all of our shortcomings, we are coming to him like the tax collector, asking for God’s mercy because we are sinners.  Even in our most perfect of days in recovery, we still can sin.  It is important to always remember that it is progress not perfection and that pride comes before the fall.  The moment we become like the Pharisee and “show off” all we do in our recovery for our own glory, not God’s, is the moment the relapse back into our old ways begins.

Take what you like and leave the rest.