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Ending Shame

Ending Shame

by applyingmybeliefs

 

Shame, possibly the most powerful emotion created by God, is an interesting force in the life of every human.  No one is exempt from the possibility that shame might have its ugly way with them at any time.  For some shame comes as a wave that sweeps them over moving them from stability to insecurity.  For others it creeps into their awareness like a mist enveloping their mind producing dark thoughts.  For still more it assaults them like a dagger into the heart, piercing them and then shredding their life into fragments of negative feelings.

Shame speaks to us in powerful statements; when we feel shame we are likely to be hearing its voice say things like this:

  • You are a failure.
  • You are useless.
  • You are nothing.
  • You are invisible.
  • You are worthless.
  • You are bad.
  • You are evil.
  • You are no good.
  • You are not valuable.
  • You are not heard.
  • You are not loveable.
  • You are not redeemable.
  • You are not important.

How did this happen, why would God create such a monster?

It begins and ends with God.  In the beginning the world was created in perfect order and wholeness, and God says as the last statement of the creation story:

Gen 2:25 – And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

The pinnacle of God’s creation, mankind, was physically and psychologically naked, with shame specifically identified as not being present.

Then mankind rebelled and gained the knowledge of good and evil.  One of the biggest evils was that they gained the knowledge of shame; they became capable of feeling it for the first time.  See what the first man and woman did when this happened to them:

Gen 3:7-8 – Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden

They went from a state of wholeness, complete and secure in who they were, to nakedness, being exposed and open to evil, insecure and being uncertain of whom they were.  So they hid!  And that is what shame does to us; it makes us want to hide, particularly from God.  And can we blame ourselves for that?  After all, who wants to hear that little internal voice telling us that we are a failure, that we are worthless or that we are not redeemable?  Who wants to be seen by all of those people around us in the same way, be judged not worthy of being known and then rejected?

Let’s ask again, why would God create such a monster?

That is truly the question to ask, and the answer is found in the word of God.  And it has a beautiful simplicity.  Consider this verse:

Ps 31:1 – In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me!

This verse is one of several in the scriptures, notably the Psalms, which share the uncomplicated truth that shame can only ever be removed from a person’s life by God himself.  Where shame debilitates and demeans, God lifts us up, strengthens us and wipes the shame away.

Why did God create the monster of shame?  To reveal our need for God.

What do we need God for?  For everything of course, but in this context, we need God to tell us who we are, to give us our identity.  Shame tells us we are nothing; God tells us we are chosen and precious.

And for those that are interested in knowing more, here is a clue as to how we can get the healing power of God working in our lives to remove any shame we feel:

Heb 12:1-2 – Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus took our shame to the cross with Him.  All we have to do is to go to that cross and hand it over.  Yes it is that simple!  But some of us don’t want to do that do we?

Some of us have lived with the emotional enemy of our soul, shame, and called it our friend.  We have comfort with shame being present in our lives, because it is all we have known; it tells us who we are, and that provides us with a false sense of certainty.  But we don’t have to live that way.

This short essay is titled “ending shame”, and it something all people can do.  God invites all those that want to get rid of shame, the emotion that tells us we are failures, unworthy of love and fundamentally evil, to come to Him.  Ending shame is about taking it to Jesus, giving it to Him and letting Him despise it for you.  It is part of the power of the cross.

Trust Him.

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Setting Boundaries On Marital Submission

Ephesians 5:21 – ““Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.””

Whenever I (Dr. Townsend) talk about a wife setting boundaries in marriage, someone asks about the biblical idea of submission. What follows is not a full treatise on submission, but some general issues you should keep in mind.

First, both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission, not just wives. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (see Ephesians 5:21). Submission is always the free choice of one party to another. Wives choose to submit to their husbands, and husbands choose to submit to their wives.

Christ’s relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (see Ephesians 5:24–27).

Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is: what is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave “under the law”? Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (see Romans 4:15; Galatians 5:4).

Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is another. Is the husband’s relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of “no condemnation” as the church is (see Romans 8:1), or does her husband fail to “wash her” of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage “under the law.”

Often, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will. Both of these actions are sins against himself. “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (see Ephesians 5:28–29).

Given this, the idea of slave-like submission is impossible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never uses us as objects. Christ “gave himself up” for us. He takes care of us as he would his own body.

I have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries in marriage, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Defending Your Marriage

Originally posted at: https://kevmill.wordpress.com/2016/11/28/defending-your-marriage/

by Kevin Miller

Monday is Overflow day on my blog, where I give life to some of the content we didn’t have time to cover.

This week, Jenn and I preached a message on marriage called “It Takes Three To Tango,” where we learned some practical thoughts on keeping Jesus at the center of the marriage relationship. Make sure to watch or listen to the message on the Awaken teaching archive.

You can also read the previous overflow blogs (spiritual relationships, friendship, singleness, and dating) here.

Swing by awaken.church/itscomplicated for social media art and to submit questions for Thursday’s Facebook LIVE Q&A, where Jenn & I as well as special guests, Pastor Jim and his wife, Dawn, will answer your questions about marriage!

20161127_marriage

In this week’s message, we discussed 4 words about marriage – 2 for the girls and 2 for the guys. We also hosted a surprise vow renewal at the end of each service! It was a blast.

Although we covered a lot of practical thoughts about marriage, one thing we didn’t have time to discuss was the importance and how-to of safeguarding your marriage. Anything valuable is worth protecting, and marriage is no exception. Along those lines, here are some thoughts on how to protect your valuable investment…

Half of the battle is knowing you’re in a battle.

Spiritual battle is all around us, and especially when it comes to marriage. Since marriage is a picture of the Gospel (Ephesians 5:32), Satan hates it. A God-honoring marriage reminds him that the Gospel is still changing lives, so he’s on the prowl. Be alert. Be vigilant. And know who the real enemy is. (Hint: it’s not your spouse!)

Lovingly resolve conflict; don’t fight to win.

Conflict will happen. It’s a fact. So when it happens in marriage, make it your goal to lovingly resolve the conflict. When you make it your aim to win the argument, you automatically turn your spouse into your opponent. Remember this: in marriage, we fight together against a common enemy, not against each other. Your enemy is whatever would come between you. Fight fair. Think before you speak. And remember that you’re on the same team!

Have extra marital sex.

Not extra-marital; extra marital. That hyphen is key. Extra-marital sex (sex outside of marriage) is destructive and potentially fatal to a marriage. But according to 1 Corinthians 7, extra marital sex (extra sex with your spouse) is healthy and protective. Paul says sex in marriage should only be withheld for short time periods when you and your spouse agree on it. When that period is over, you should come together again (sexually) “so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Extra marital sex is a spiritual safeguard for your marriage. So, lock the door and battle some demons!

And for those wondering how much sex is “extra,” don’t try to put a number on it, just have fun and don’t be stingy!

Protection isn’t just physical, it’s also vocal.

1 Corinthians 7:3 says we owe our spouses affection. It’s not an option to be physical and vocal with your love within marriage. It’s commanded in Scripture!

Want to divorce-proof your marriage? Stop talking about divorce!  The looming possibility of divorce kills honesty and security in a marriage. Don’t threaten divorce, joke about it, or even bring it up. It shouldn’t be an option whatsoever.

Speaking well of each other should happen in private and in public. When you speak well of your spouse in front of others, it communicates to them that you are happily married, and becomes a safeguard against anyone who may want to prey on a suffering marriage.

Marriage takes work and a lifelong investment. Fight for it. Defend it. Cultivate it. It’s worth every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears your pour into it!

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An Interview from Death Row

I sit a few feet from a man on death row. Jewish by birth. Tentmaker by trade. Apostle by calling. His days are marked. I’m curious about what bolsters this man as he nears his execution. So I ask some questions.

Do you have family, Paul? I have none.
What about your health? My body is beaten and tired.
What do you own? I have my parchments. My pen. A cloak.
And your reputation? Well, it’s not much. I’m a heretic to some, a maverick to others.
Do you have friends? I do, but even some of them have turned back.
Any awards? Not on earth.

Then what do you have, Paul? No belongings. No family. Criticized by some. Mocked by others. What do you have, Paul? What do you have that matters?

I sit back quietly and watch. Paul rolls his hand into a fist. He looks at it. I look at it. What is he holding? What does he have? He extends his hand so I can see. As I lean forward, he opens his fingers. I peer at his palm. It’s empty.

I have my faith. It’s all I have. But it’s all I need. I have kept the faith.

Paul leans back against the wall of his cell and smiles. And I lean back against another and stare into the face of a man who has learned that there is more to life than meets the eye.

For that’s what faith is. Faith is trusting what the eye can’t see.

Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniel’s angel.
Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah’s rainbow.
Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.
Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees his blood.
Your eyes see your grave. Your faith sees a city whose builder and maker is God.

Your eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith you look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on your finger and the kiss of your Father on your face.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Next Door Savior.

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Saved For Something Better

For years I’ve heard about Universal Laws, mysterious rules that govern our world at an unseen level. The problem with these laws? No list exists. Nobody tells us the rules, like they do at a seminar, in a classroom or even on a website unless you count Moses etching the Ten Commandments in Stone. So clearly stumbled into two of these Universal Laws. No, three.
1-If we jump out of an airplane, we’ll fall down, not up.
2-If we eat every single thing we want, we’ll gain weight.
3-If all we see is the negative, we’ll begin to see more and more of the negative. We’ll feel worse. Feeling badly will become a way of life. We’ll see nothing but the problems, the things that didn’t work out and the wrongdoings others have done to us. We’ll see our picture and think, Ick. It’s an ugly way of life. The only antidote I’ve found for it… is gratitude. If you couple gratitude with non-dualistic thinking, or non-black and white thinking (this is good, this is bad), which then means we’ll begin to express gratitude for most if not all of life (except for sheer tragedies in which case we’ll learn it’s okay to mourn), we’ll be lifted out of that rut of negativity we’ve learned to call home. We don’t see rejection. We know we’ve been saved from ourselves, saved for something better. Melody Beattie from her blog at http://melodybeattie.com/the-other-side-of-that-story-6/

Hard is trying to rebuild yourself,
piece by piece,
with no instruction book,
and no clue as to where
all the important bits are supposed to go.
Nick Hornby