CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Emotions

By

An Affair Does Not Have to Mean the End

SOURCE:  Carrie Cole M.Ed., LPC/The Gottman Institute

Ralph and Susan had been married for 13 years with two adorable children. Their suburban life was packed with work, school, and the kids’ extra-curricular activities. Neither made their marriage a priority, but overall they felt their relationship was good.

Susan withheld her suspicion when she noticed that Ralph was on his phone more than usual. At times she couldn’t help but ask “What’s going on?” only to receive “Nothing. Just checking the news,” or “There’s a lot of drama at the office that I need to take care of.” She trusted him.

When Susan discovered that Ralph had been texting another woman, she was devastated. Her world came crashing down. In her mind, Ralph was not the kind of person to ever have an affair.

Ralph lied about it at first. He felt like he needed to protect Susan from the ugly truth. But as more evidence came out, he couldn’t lie anymore. He was having an affair.

He didn’t know how he had got involved so deeply with someone else. It just happened. He and a co-worker had become close friends over time. It felt good to have someone to talk to who listened and made him feel special. He hadn’t had that in a long time with Susan.

During the affair he had to convince himself that Susan didn’t care. He felt she wasn’t interested in him sexually anymore. They were more like roommates than soulmates.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I have heard many versions of this story in my couples therapy practice over the last 15 years. An affair, whether emotional or sexual, is devastating. Both partners suffer tremendous pain. But an affair does not have to mean the end.

The PTSD of an Affair

The betrayed partner experiences a tidal wave of emotion. The pain, hurt, anger, humiliation, and despair are overwhelming. After the traumatic moment the affair is realized, they become fearful, anxious, and hypervigilant, wondering where or when the next blow is going to come – not unlike symptoms of PTSD felt by military veterans.

Their mind races with thoughts of What don’t they know? What’s the whole story? Scenes of their partner with someone else appear in their mind when awake and when asleep, making life a living nightmare.

The Guilt of Betrayal

The betrayer also experiences a great deal of emotion. The hopeless feeling of witnessing your partner in pain and knowing you can do nothing to alleviate their suffering is a horrible experience. The feelings of guilt, shame, and humiliation are almost unbearable.

So, what causes an affair? Why do partners choose to cheat? The answers are complicated and may take months to unravel.

Recovering From an Affair

Is it possible to recover from an affair? The answer for most couples is yes.

Many couples I’ve worked with have actually created a stronger, more emotionally connected, and richer relationship from the ashes of an affair. However, it’s not quick or easy. As with any serious injury, it takes time to heal. And it usually takes therapy.

It’s tempting to think that it will automatically get better with time. The problem with “sweeping it under the rug” is that the anxiety, fear, anger, and guilt felt early on by the betrayed person often give way to resentment – a slow seething anger that leads to total contempt for the betrayer. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that contempt is deadly in relationships and very difficult to recover from.

Couples therapy can help partners explore and understand what happened. The betrayed partner needs to have their questions answered, such as:

  • When did you meet?
  • Where did you meet?
  • How long did the affair last?

The betrayed partner attempts to understand how it happened and how they can prevent it from happening again. They also seek consistency in the stories from one telling to the next. Do I know everything? Are you lying to me now? These questions are best asked and answered in the emotionally safe environment of a therapist’s office.

It is best not to ask questions about the specifics of the sexual nature of the affair. Those questions usually do more bad than good in that they conjure up images that might haunt the betrayed partner’s thoughts.

When the betrayed partner feels that they have all the answers they need, the couple can begin to work on rebuilding trust. Couples like Susan and Ralph have turned away from each other in many small ways over time, which compounds into the feelings that ultimately led Ralph astray. They neglected the relationship.

Once couples process what happened, they need to begin to tune back into each other. Susan and Ralph found that they avoided each other to avoid conflict. Tuning back in requires dialoguing about problems – both ongoing perpetual problems and past issues that might have caused some injury to the relationship.

Recognize That Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is a natural part of your happily ever after. Every relationship has conflict due to different values, beliefs, and philosophies of life. When these differences are discussed safely, and when honored and respected, the couple will experience greater intimacy. At times this can feel uncomfortable and take some push and pull. Communication skills provided by a therapist can help the navigation of these discussions go more smoothly.

Once the couple has tuned back into each other, it will be helpful to create some meaningful rituals to stay connected. Couples can be creative about ways to do that which are special and unique to them. One couple I worked with decided to have morning coffee together for 30 minutes. They would discuss the events of the day, check in with each other emotionally, and take the time to really listen to each other’s hearts.

Another couple developed a ritual of a bubble bath after the kids were in bed. They said they did their best talking in their big round Jacuzzi tub.

Sexual and emotional betrayals are a hefty blow to a relationship, but an affair does not have to be the end. Couples who have the emotional fortitude to reach out and seek the help they need can create a much more meaningful and intimate relationship in the aftermath of infidelity.

By

Is Self-Care Selfish?

SOURCE:  Taken from the Prepare-Enrich Newsletter

Spoiler Alert:  It’s Not!

 Self-care is taking time to care for yourself in whatever what makes sense for you. We often overlook self-care by thinking that it’s something only selfish people do and isn’t that important. However, the more I intentionally practice self-care, the more I see the positive impact on my relationship and I know it’s not a selfish act. Most importantly, I’ve found it allows me to be more present in my relationships because I took the time to make myself feel whole.

The problem with the idea of your partner being your “other half” is that you are unable to invest any part of yourself into your relationship if you aren’t whole. By reframing my thoughts around self-care, how loving and appreciating myself can create a stronger connection in my relationship, I have been able to overcome the negative stigma of “selfish self-care.” It’s important for me to take care for myself for mine and my partner’s sake.

Why Does Self-Care Matter

  • Increases your emotional/mental well-being
  • Allots time for you to take care of your physical self
  • Gives you the energy to care for others
  • Feeling positive about yourself gives you a better outlook on your relationship and life in general

How to Practice Self-Care

Simply take time to do something you enjoy, something that feeds your soul and inspires you. Here are some ideas:

  • Journal – write down your daily thoughts in the morning or at night
  • Volunteer – give back to others using your talents
  • Cook – develop a new recipe, make your favorite dinner
  • Be creative – draw, write, rearrange your living room
  • Pamper yourself – get your hair cut, take a long shower, get a massage
  • Spend time with family – look at old family photos, play a game
  • Go outside – take a walk, jog, or go for a run
  • Be active – go to the gym, practice yoga
  • Eat what you want – drink water, eat your veggies, and eat your cake too (in moderation)
  • Sleep – go to bed early, allow yourself to sleep in, take a nap

By

Scripture Memory: Tips and Tricks

by Kevin Miller

POP QUIZ:

What does the fox say?

What’s your favorite line from your favorite TV show?

What’s the first line that pops into your head from your favorite movie?

What words come to your mind next when you read “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” or “Can’t stop the feelin'”?

Ironically, the same person who could rattle off their 16-digit credit card number, can quote almost any line from their favorite movie, and knows most of the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” may also be the same person who tells me they can’t memorize Scripture.

I disagree.

As we’ve rolled out of one year into the next, I’ve been posting a series of blogs about the practical side of spiritual disciplines. So far, we’ve covered Bible reading and prayer. Today we’re covering the topic of Scripture memory…

Let’s start with why it’s so important.

THE PURPOSE

The Bible says to.

That should be enough of a reason right there.

But this isn’t just a case of “Do it because I said to.” The Bible gives a deeper, more practical reason to do so: “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:11)

Scripture memory is sin prevention.

Psalm 119 makes it very clear. Temptation prevention begins with Scripture memory. The question is not if you’ll be tempted, but when. Since temptation has happened and will continue to happen every day of your life…

You need to be stocked up.

In many Bible translations, Psalm 119 says “hide God’s Word in my heart.” However, I really like the ESV’s translation of “stored up your word in my heart.” Storing up speaks of preparation.

Think of memorizing Scripture like stocking up your tool chest.

You never know what type of problem is going to come your way, and if you’re not prepared with the right tools, you won’t be able to fix it. However, if you’ve devoted time to stocking up your tool chest with the right spiritual tools, you’ll be amazed at how God uses them when problems or temptations come your way.

Memorizing Taylor Swift lyrics may help you “shake it off,” but that will only last so long!

THE PRACTICAL

If you want to know how to memorize Scripture, think about how you memorize anything else…

Inhale it.

How can my 2-year old son sing multiple verses of “Holly Jolly Christmas”? Because he heard it a couple hundred times during the month of December. So much so that he began requesting it whenever we got in the car. Spotify must think we love Burl Ives!

One of the main reasons I can quote so many lines from The Office, Tommy Boy, and Dumb & Dumber is because I can’t count the amount of times I’ve watched them. The more we take things in, the easier it becomes to commit them to memory.  (tweet this)

Scripture memory works similarly. Inhale Scripture. Not literally, but through your eyes and ears. Read it, speak it, listen to it, and meditate on it.

Prioritize it.

You won’t find time. You have to make time. There’s nothing inherently wrong with watching TV or playing video games or browsing social media, but imagine what you could do if you even cut out a small portion of the time you spend on those.

If you want to store God’s Word in your heart, it will take prioritizing God’s Word in your life. (tweet this)

Repeat it.

Although there are some things you may never forget, even if you wanted to, I’ve found that Scripture is rarely like that. If I want to make sure it’s easily accessible, I have to keep it fresh.

Sad news. I used to have a few entire books of the Bible memorized: Philippians, James, and Ephesians, and I was working on 1 Peter. I loved meditating on and storing up God’s Word in my heart, but I didn’t keep it fresh, and I lost it. Of course it isn’t a waste – I grew as I memorized, and I know those books very well today, but I wish I would have put the time in to keep them fresh in my heart.

If you don’t fight to keep it, you’ll lose it. Make it a habit to regularly freshen up so you stay sharp.

Start now.

There will always be a reason not to start, so stop making excuses and get going on this important spiritual discipline. Pick a verse, a few verses, or a chapter, and start with that. Currently, I’m 18 verses into Romans 8 and I’m loving it. It’s always been a powerful chapter, but it means even more to me now that I’ve devoted hundreds of hours to reading and memorizing it.

Relevant Magazine recently ran a great article about memorizing Scripture. Make sure to check it out: The Hardest Spiritual Discipline is the Most Important One.

Let me know in the comments if this was helpful and what you’re memorizing.

Also, if you have any helpful memory tips or tricks, I’d love to hear about them!

By

Ending Shame

Ending Shame

by applyingmybeliefs

 

Shame, possibly the most powerful emotion created by God, is an interesting force in the life of every human.  No one is exempt from the possibility that shame might have its ugly way with them at any time.  For some shame comes as a wave that sweeps them over moving them from stability to insecurity.  For others it creeps into their awareness like a mist enveloping their mind producing dark thoughts.  For still more it assaults them like a dagger into the heart, piercing them and then shredding their life into fragments of negative feelings.

Shame speaks to us in powerful statements; when we feel shame we are likely to be hearing its voice say things like this:

  • You are a failure.
  • You are useless.
  • You are nothing.
  • You are invisible.
  • You are worthless.
  • You are bad.
  • You are evil.
  • You are no good.
  • You are not valuable.
  • You are not heard.
  • You are not loveable.
  • You are not redeemable.
  • You are not important.

How did this happen, why would God create such a monster?

It begins and ends with God.  In the beginning the world was created in perfect order and wholeness, and God says as the last statement of the creation story:

Gen 2:25 – And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

The pinnacle of God’s creation, mankind, was physically and psychologically naked, with shame specifically identified as not being present.

Then mankind rebelled and gained the knowledge of good and evil.  One of the biggest evils was that they gained the knowledge of shame; they became capable of feeling it for the first time.  See what the first man and woman did when this happened to them:

Gen 3:7-8 – Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden

They went from a state of wholeness, complete and secure in who they were, to nakedness, being exposed and open to evil, insecure and being uncertain of whom they were.  So they hid!  And that is what shame does to us; it makes us want to hide, particularly from God.  And can we blame ourselves for that?  After all, who wants to hear that little internal voice telling us that we are a failure, that we are worthless or that we are not redeemable?  Who wants to be seen by all of those people around us in the same way, be judged not worthy of being known and then rejected?

Let’s ask again, why would God create such a monster?

That is truly the question to ask, and the answer is found in the word of God.  And it has a beautiful simplicity.  Consider this verse:

Ps 31:1 – In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me!

This verse is one of several in the scriptures, notably the Psalms, which share the uncomplicated truth that shame can only ever be removed from a person’s life by God himself.  Where shame debilitates and demeans, God lifts us up, strengthens us and wipes the shame away.

Why did God create the monster of shame?  To reveal our need for God.

What do we need God for?  For everything of course, but in this context, we need God to tell us who we are, to give us our identity.  Shame tells us we are nothing; God tells us we are chosen and precious.

And for those that are interested in knowing more, here is a clue as to how we can get the healing power of God working in our lives to remove any shame we feel:

Heb 12:1-2 – Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus took our shame to the cross with Him.  All we have to do is to go to that cross and hand it over.  Yes it is that simple!  But some of us don’t want to do that do we?

Some of us have lived with the emotional enemy of our soul, shame, and called it our friend.  We have comfort with shame being present in our lives, because it is all we have known; it tells us who we are, and that provides us with a false sense of certainty.  But we don’t have to live that way.

This short essay is titled “ending shame”, and it something all people can do.  God invites all those that want to get rid of shame, the emotion that tells us we are failures, unworthy of love and fundamentally evil, to come to Him.  Ending shame is about taking it to Jesus, giving it to Him and letting Him despise it for you.  It is part of the power of the cross.

Trust Him.

By

Setting Boundaries On Marital Submission

Ephesians 5:21 – ““Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.””

Whenever I (Dr. Townsend) talk about a wife setting boundaries in marriage, someone asks about the biblical idea of submission. What follows is not a full treatise on submission, but some general issues you should keep in mind.

First, both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission, not just wives. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (see Ephesians 5:21). Submission is always the free choice of one party to another. Wives choose to submit to their husbands, and husbands choose to submit to their wives.

Christ’s relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (see Ephesians 5:24–27).

Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is: what is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave “under the law”? Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (see Romans 4:15; Galatians 5:4).

Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is another. Is the husband’s relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of “no condemnation” as the church is (see Romans 8:1), or does her husband fail to “wash her” of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage “under the law.”

Often, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will. Both of these actions are sins against himself. “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (see Ephesians 5:28–29).

Given this, the idea of slave-like submission is impossible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never uses us as objects. Christ “gave himself up” for us. He takes care of us as he would his own body.

I have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries in marriage, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.