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Navigating Relationship Conflict: Establishing Boundaries and Autonomy

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/navigating-relationship-conflict-establishing-boundaries-and-autonomy/

In the context of interpersonal relationships, conflict is frequently seen as an indication of instability or incompatibility. However, when it is treated in a constructive manner, it has the potential to act as a catalyst for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger bonding. Partners are able to share common ground, declare limits, and practise personal autonomy when they embrace conflict with a collaborative and empathic perspective. This allows them to transform potential strife into chances for enrichment and mutual development.

Every partnership is built on the foundation of two distinct individuals, each of whom brings their own unique set of viewpoints, values, requirements, and aspirations to the table. The fact that each partner is navigating their own path while simultaneously attempting to combine it with their partner’s path inevitably results in conflict given these variances. When a dispute emerges, it is tempting to ignore or hide it in order to preserve harmony rather than confront it. On the other hand, confronting disagreements head-on while maintaining an open mind and a respectful demeanour might result in a more profound comprehension of one another. When couples are in disagreement with one another, they have the opportunity to communicate their genuine thoughts and emotions, which may not come to the surface during times of greater clarity. Through this transparency, trust and closeness are fostered, and it is revealed that the two parties share beliefs and ambitions, which can build the foundation of the relationship.

In order to successfully navigate conflict, it is essential to establish clear boundaries. Establishing and maintaining good boundaries is critical to the maintenance of a successful relationship, as they ensure that both partners feel respected and appreciated. In the normal course of events, conflict presents an opportunity to recognise and explain these boundaries. A quarrel might provide an opportunity for one partner to define and reinforce the boundaries that they have set for themselves when they feel that their limitations are being tested. During this process, not only are future misunderstandings avoided, but also the sense of self that each individual possesses within the context of the relationship is validated. Partners are better able to comprehend each other’s needs and expectations when they have clear boundaries, which results in a dynamic that is more balanced and in which both individuals feel secure and understood.

Equally as crucial is the implementation of personal autonomy within the context of a relationship. It is necessary for each partner to keep their own identity and independence in order for the relationship to be considered healthy. A healthy relationship is characterised by mutual support and dependency. Conflict has the potential to bring to light areas in which one partner may feel that they are being undervalued or overshadowed, which can then inspire essential conversations that reinforce personal autonomy. When these concerns are discussed honestly, it ensures that both parties are able to pursue their own personal interests and growth while still maintaining their commitment to the relationship. In order to achieve long-term relationship happiness, it is essential to strike a balance between independence and connection.

Active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise are three essential components of an effective conflict resolution strategy. The creation of a place for constructive discourse is facilitated when partners approach arguments with the intention of gaining an understanding rather than seeking victory. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary to listen to each other’s points of view without immediately passing judgement or becoming defensive. In this context, empathy is of utmost importance since it enables partners to comprehend the problem from the perspectives of one another and to acknowledge the emotions that each other is experiencing. The ability to compromise is also essential since it exhibits a willingness to find solutions that are mutually acceptable and demonstrates respect for the requirements of each other.

Additionally, discussing conflict in a healthy manner helps to promote resilience and adaptability within the partnership. Through the process of acquiring the skills necessary to effectively navigate arguments, couples become better equipped to deal with future issues. It is essential for the durability of the relationship that both parties are able to grow and change together over time, and this adaptability ensures that both spouses can evolve together. Each disagreement that is resolved deepens the link, resulting in a greater sense of trust and security for the relationship.

On the other hand, when it is handled correctly, conflict can also result in innovation inside the relationship. The resolution of disagreements frequently calls for inventive approaches to problem-solving, which in turn encourages couples to think creatively and come up with novel methods of interacting to one another. It is possible that this innovation may result in more efficient communication patterns, more emotional intimacy, and new experiences that are shared by both parties, which will enrich the relationship.

At the end of the day, it is not useful to be afraid of conflict in a relationship; rather, it should be welcomed as a natural and advantageous component of partnership. Couples have the ability to transform possible disagreements into chances for greater connection and mutual progress if they make use of these moments to share common ground, express limits, and practise personal autonomy. Partners are provided with the resources necessary to manage future problems with confidence and unity when they adopt this perspective because it encourages resiliency, adaptation, and a greater knowledge of each other. Relationships have the potential to become more robust, meaningful, and long-lasting if they are shifted from viewing conflict as a threat to viewing it as an opportunity.

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Codependency: Why Red Flags Give Us All The Information We Need

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-why-red-flags-give-us-all-the-information-we-need-2/

“The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart.” ― April Mae Monterrosa

In my daily work with codependents, I hear a lot about so-called “red-flags”. Usually this comes when clients are describing the early stages of a relationship they were or are in. If they are describing a relationship with a certain personality type, the red flags are always evident and obvious but codependents choose to ignore them. They do this because they have usually been “hooked in” by the adulation given to them by the new partner. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.” In therapy, I ask my clients to analyse previous relationships and when they noticed “red flags”. A discussion can then be had about what would have been a functional way of dealing with them at the time. Of course, major lessons can be learned for the next relationship. On the whole, any of the issues listed below should bring a level of caution and ultimately an end to the relationship if they continue.

Let’s look at typical “red flags” that could occur in these types of relationships: Source: Psychology Today

Lack of communication. These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”

Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills—taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily life may take up a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.

Lack of trust. When a person has difficulty being honest with himself or herself, it may be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of this behaviour may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. However, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. A person who holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for their partner. You may feel, and rightly so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.

Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.

Controlling behaviour. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of “love.”

Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where it’s heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little.

A dark or secretive past. Behaviours that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviours that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if a person has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that is a different story.)

Non-resolution of past relationships. These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.

The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

Abusive behaviour. Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

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How to Avoid Codependency When You Help Someone in Need

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SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Challenge Codependency occurs when we don’t have an accurate awareness of our boundaries and behaviors, and we allow someone else’s needs to control and take over our lives.

Solution You may be inclined to jump in and “save the world.” But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

“I’ve been in an accident,” Bethany whimpered. Her voice was filled with pain-staking fear. “I’m ok, but can you come get me?”

I assumed she meant the hospital. She was sitting in jail.

My blurry, tired eyes adjusted to the harsh glow of my cell phone as I looked at the time. If I left within the next few minutes, I’d have a head start on morning rush hour.

As I pulled up outside the Metro Detention Center, I saw Bethany waiting on the sidewalk for me. She stood there looking down at the ground with a defeated look on her face, perhaps still hungover. Her arms were crossed over her torso, clinched tight around her frame.

My door locks clicked. She got in my car, never lifting her head. Her disheveled hair draped over her eyes as if to hide her embarrassment. I didn’t even make it to the first traffic light before her face fell into her hands. Bethany let out deep sobs with diaphragmatic breaths. I offered a napkin from my center console.

“I hit a pole,” she quivered. “No one else was involved, but I think I have a drinking problem, and I honestly have no idea what to do right now.”

When you watch a friend or loved one struggle with pain in their life, your first response may be to do whatever it takes to ensure they don’t have to endure any more than they have to.

Why?

Although you care for that person, what you’re witnessing is uncomfortable for you, so you may be inclined to jump in and be the hero. But there are better things you can do for that individual that will improve their quality of life and spare you from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.

1. Show empathy
Though I had never been in Bethany’s situation, I knew what it was like to experience sadness. I was all too familiar with hurt, and I understood what it meant to feel shame. Bethany didn’t need me to tell her what she had done wrong. She knew, and if I spent time telling her what I think she should have done, it would have closed the door to trust.

2. Set and maintain boundaries
Bethany was in need of emotional support, and the circle of people she trusted was small. She was having trouble processing her feelings and was having anxiety over the legal consequences she’d have to endure. She called frequently, all hours of the night, and while I was at work.

After a few days, I had to let her know I couldn’t always answer the phone, so I sent her a text. “Hey, Bethany. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I can’t talk at the moment but let’s set aside a time later this week, and I’d be glad to listen to you.” It may have hurt her feelings, but it saved my sanity.

3. Remember it’s not your battle to fight
Bethany had lost her car, her job and her dignity. She was facing more jail time, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to watch her struggle. Part of me wanted to help her make everything go away, but I couldn’t step in and offer to pay her attorney or her court costs.

I knew that what was happening in her life was part of her journey, and if I disrupted the course, I would be denying her the lesson she was meant to learn. If Bethany was going to change, she would have to endure the consequences of her actions.

4. Realize you can’t change someone
I helped Bethany find several local AA meetings to attend and put her in touch with an outpatient recovery program, but I couldn’t make her go. It had to be her decision. Sometimes she went; sometimes she didn’t, and I couldn’t force her into making the choice I wanted for her.

5. Your feelings matter, too
Helping someone in need can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, angry, hurt, sad or frustrated. Not only is it ok to have these feelings, but you need to be able to express them to the person you’re helping. Sometimes I had to tell Bethany, “You know, what you’re going through is really tough, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with helping you right now.”

When you feel compelled to help someone with a serious problem, whether it’s out of love or as a favor to a friend, it could breed a codependent relationship if you continuously sacrifice your needs for the benefit of someone else. There are myriad reasons why you may find yourself in such situations, but by having an awareness of your own habits and behaviors, you can avoid a potentially dysfunctional relationship.

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Relapse for the Codependent

Relapse for the Codependent

by applyingmybeliefs

Relapse for an addict is relatively easy to understand.  It is a reversion to the old coping mechanisms such as drinking, drugging, or otherwise acting out.  This reversion is usually preceded by some form of negative mental state, painful emotions, or difficulty in a life situation.

Relapse for a codependent is the same.  They experience a hard time in life, a negative thought life or emotional pain, and they start to act out.  However their acting out looks somewhat different to an alcoholic or drug addict, because they revert back to behaviors that are sometimes difficult to spot.  They re-indulge in controlling others and neglecting their own needs for example.

For a codependent that lives with an addict, the relapse of their addict is highly likely to trigger a relapse.  Both partners are then caught in a spiral downward.  This is one reason that it is smart for addicts and codependents to both be part of a larger recovery group or program.

We have already said that it is hard for a person, let alone the codependent, to see when they are slipping back into their old ways.  How can a codependent identify when this might be happening?  Here is a list of “I” statements that are helpful in becoming aware of a slide that is in place; or one that is coming.

  • I’ve started saying bad things again about my partner behind their back.
  • I’ve stopped giving my partner the benefit of the doubt.
  • I’ve lost interest in doing the things I know make my partner happy.
  • I’ve stopped hugging my partner goodbye in the morning.
  • I’ve stopped using my recovery tools.
  • I’ve stopped feeling grateful for my partner.
  • I’ve gone back to indifference in my attitude to my partner.
  • I’ve become rude toward my partner.
  • I’ve reverted back to trying to control everything my partner does.
  • I’ve stopped taking care of myself.
  • I’ve started to break promises I made to my partner.

If a codependent finds themselves in agreement with say 3 or more of these statements an orange warning light ought to go off in their head, 7 or more ought to result in a trip back to the therapist.

This kind of list, if honestly worked through on a frequent basis, can help a codependent identify when something is going wrong.  The list is a tool, it is a “symptom identifier”, a way of discovering that something is happening inside that is not easily seen.  It uses affirmative answers to ask the question, “Am I being triggered toward a relapse by something?”

As a topic today, let’s talk about our own emotional relapses as codependents and answer the question, “What else can a codependent do to protect themselves from going back to their self-centered and relationship destructive ways?”

 

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Finding Lasting Love

Relationships can break your connection to your family. Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. They represent starting our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn’t physical. It doesn’t mean literally giving up our family, but rather letting go on an emotional level – no longer feeling like a kid and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and shaped our identity. Love stirs up existential fears. The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn’t be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what’s really driving us are those deeper fears of loss. Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren’t working out—but we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when we get close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201401/7-reasons-most-people-are-afraid-love
Read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone at
http://www.psychalive.org/author/dr-lisa-firestone/

In the arithmetic of love,
one plus one equals everything,
and two minus one equals nothing.
Mignon McLaughlin