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Zacchaeus – Repentant Taxman

by applyingmybeliefs

Luke 19:8-9 – And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”  ESV

Zacchaeus was a short man with a big bank account.  Most of this came from his tax collecting activities where he was the conduit between the regular tax collectors and the governing authorities, and he skimmed off the top, or took a personal commission.  This meant that he was a thief, a thief with a high legal position.  In the story (Lk 19:1-10) we see some important truths.

First, Zacchaeus was very keen to see Jesus; he had to climb up a tree.  To put that in perspective, it would be like a high level IRS agent, a high paid bureaucrat, used to getting his way, having to demean himself.  Second, that Jesus saw him up the tree, and recognized that Zacchaeus was ready to repent.  Third, when all the regular folk saw that Jesus was going to the home of Zacchaeus they condemned Him.  Fourth, Zacchaeus, as a result of his encounter with Jesus, was able to shift from a desire to repent through to a choice to make amends.

The fifth and last point has a large significance for us in Christian recovery.  As a result of this choice to make amends Jesus indicates that salvation came to the entire household of Zacchaeus.  While Jesus was undoubtedly stating the household of Zacchaeus was saved, as in born again, our application is different.  For a Christ follower who takes the path of repentance and amends the salvation is in the form of sanctification, or a cleaning up of our internal darker places.

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Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

by applyingmybeliefs

There are ordinary things each of us does that impede, lessen or even destroy intimacy in marriages.  Men do some to their wives, and wives do some to their husbands.  Here we are going to look at five everyday behaviors that wives do that diminish the intimacy in marriage.

  1. Consistently rejects a husband’s sexual advances. Part of the way a man connects (has intimacy) with his wife is through sex.  When his wife consistently rejects his reasonable requests for sex, he internalizes it as a rejection of himself.  In this wives ought to try to remember that in a marriage she is the only one who can legitimately provide him with this activity.  Not providing a realistic amount of sex pushes him into the territory of wanting sex but not getting it at home.  This runs the risk of making him vulnerable to the many temptations of sexual pleasure our culture offers.
  1. Offers critical appraisal of things in life. When a wife is a critical person, she not only criticizes people and situations around her, but she is critical of her husband, often unknowingly.  Although it is often hard to understand, criticism of a husband’s actions is received as condemnation by men.  This is because men so often internalize what they do as who they are.  So then, critical words, even if they are 100% justified can be destructive to a marriage.  This doesn’t mean a wife cannot criticize, it does mean that criticism needs to be worded thoughtfully and used sparingly.
  1. Fixes his work. In this intimacy destroyer, the wife goes around behind the husband and touches up his work.  For example, if he makes the bed, the wife goes and adjusts something, or he washes the dishes, then the wife rewashes a couple of pieces.  The message is “Buddy, you don’t match up to my standards?”  Is that really smart?  No, because he experiences it as a major slap in the face.  It is far bigger for him than it is for the wife.  A wife will know this is a problem, because the husband most likely won’t say anything, but he will stop trying to help the wife with the chores.
  1. Coveting things that are outside the budget. Often a wife will express a desire to have items that are not affordable.  For example, a new car, designer goods or an exotic vacation.  The husband might hear the first few expressions of unaffordable things and not be impacted.  After that though, he will hear a different message, “You are not a good provider.”  This is going to result in him not wanting to talk with a wife about any of her desires, dreams and wishes, even legitimate and affordable ones.  He might even begin to hide money so that the wife won’t spend on items he thinks they can’t afford.
  1. Putting him down. This is not the same as criticism.  The putting down of a person is a work of judgment and condemnation.  When a wife puts a husband down, and especially if she does it in public or in private to her friends she is emasculating him.  One thing that men really want from a wife is respect, and spousal condemnation destroys a husband’s feeling that his wife respects him.  When this is going on in a relationship the husband probably won’t say a word, but he will check out.

Women – If you’ve read this list and honestly want to know if you do these things, ask him, but don’t be surprised if he won’t tell you what you do to hurt him.  This is because he wants to protect you from himself and any bad news he may have for you.  This list is best discussed with a trained counselor, because sometimes the truth is painful.

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Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Husbands

Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Husbands

by applyingmybeliefs

There are ordinary things each of us does that impede, lessen or even destroy intimacy in marriages.  Men do some to their wives, and wives do some to their husbands.  Here we are going to look at five everyday behaviors that husbands do that diminish the intimacy in marriage.

  1. Looks at other women in admiration. Men look at women other than their wives, and they notice them; that is mostly unavoidable.  However, some men go beyond looking and noticing, they move that extra step to admiring.  This happens when a man takes a second or elongated look at a women, it happens when they view pornography and it happens when they act out sexually.  The message to a wife is that they are not enough, that the man prefers somebody else over them.  Men will deny this of course, but that doesn’t make this untrue.  It pushes the woman away in an emotional sense, because the women feels like her trust is violated, and that is how it lessens intimacy.
  1. Speaking down to her. Some men, and this is often done unconsciously, speak with terseness in their language toward their wife.  The poor spouse on the receiving end receives this as a message of demeaning of her person, and often doesn’t even hear the content of the message, she hears only the tone.  This makes a husband unsafe to be around, and she moves away a little each time this happens.
  1. Takes her contribution for granted. Husbands know that they go to work and provide the household with an income, which is their contribution.  What they often miss is all the small stuff their wives do, and even when they think about it, they dismiss it as easy things to do.  Over time this is recognized as a lack of appreciation by the wife, and her contribution to the smooth running of the household is not valued.  And even though it may not be true, she ends up not feeling valued.
  1. Makes unilateral decisions. Some men believe they should make all the big decisions in a marriage, and often most of the small ones too.  In doing this they shut the wife out and destroy any sense of partnership that their spouse may have.  The message is; your opinion is not valuable and I don’t value it.  This is guaranteed to create distance between a man and a woman.
  1. Interrupts her when she is speaking. This is most often done when the wife is trying to tell a husband something, but also may happen in public too.  The husband may be thinking the wife is taking too long getting to the point, or that he knows what the answer to the problem is, or that she is simply talking out of ignorance.  The reason for an interruption is actually irrelevant, because the damage is done by the event of the shutting her down.  The wife is told by this action that what she has to say is unimportant, and she internally interprets this to mean she is also unimportant.

Men – if you believe you don’t have a high level of intimacy in marriage, but honestly want it, you can discuss this list with your wife.  However, your wife may be afraid to be open, so it is probably best to discuss this kind of list, with your wife present, in an emotionally safe place with an experienced third party coach or counselor.  An open and honest appraisal of these items can be very challenging to hear.

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Moses – Unbelieving Leader

by applyingmybeliefs

Num 20:12-13 – And the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not believe in me, to uphold me as holy in the eyes of the people of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land that I have given them.”  These are the waters of Meribah, where the people of Israel quarreled with the Lord, and through them he showed himself holy.  ESV

Moses is the biggest figure found in the Jewish scriptures, which we know as the Old Testament.  He was the baby placed into the Nile, the Prince of Egypt, a murderer, a runaway and he was also the person chosen by God to lead the people out of slavery and into the promised-land.

In this passage (Num 20:2-13) the Israelites had arrived at Meribah, they had run out of water, and as there were likely over a million people, this was a significant problem.  Moses, who had witnessed God’s amazing power, seen His ability to rescue His people, and experienced His provision, got angry with Him, and fell into disrespect and unbelief.  Because of this God told Moses that he would not be allowed to bring the people into the promised-land.  Notice that God had no problem with Moses being angry.  The problem is that Moses, who had experienced so much with God, fell into internal unbelief with the outward result that he did not uphold God as the Holy One of Israel.

Isn’t that like us in Christian recovery?  We see God’s power working in our lives, and the lives of those who journey through a spiritual wilderness with us.  We come to our own Meribah, a place where we feel stuck and spiritually dry.  We might even get angry with God, and we might also slide into internal unbelief that God is working in us, and make ourselves vulnerable to disrespectful or even contemptuous outward behaviors toward God.

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Incomplete

When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on–series polygamy–until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter. Tom Robbins

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” – C. S. Lewis